Thursday, January 26, 2012
This Thing Called Life
Yesterday I mourned. A lot. I blogged, cried, ate, cried, laid around and cried. JD and I watched Glee for hours. He seriously loves that show. Then we hung around a bit more. Today I need to be productive. I could wallow in my sadness for days but what good would that really do me?! I need to get up and moving. My new giant project is calling my name. Wanting attention. My nephew is over and I have lots of wonderful things to distract me. I'm going to do them. I need to focus my attention elsewhere. Tonight, I will be sad. Very, very sad.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Good Bye My Best Friend
When I was 20 I worked and lived at a dude ranch full time. One of the perks for being a full time employee was after working there for 2 years you could own a dog. I missed the fact that we still had to clear it with the owner and I went to looking. I scoured the ads in the local newspaper and found a breeder an hour and a half away that had purebred chocolate lab pups for sale. They were only 4 weeks old and therefore too small to take home but that didn't stop me from falling in love. I bought Maddie the second I laid eyes on her weeks before I could take her home. I drove an hour and a half each direction every week to visit her until I could finally take her home. She was finally all mine.
When the owner found out I had bought a dog she flipped out and called me into the office. She was irate and almost made me return her. I think she knew that I was already in love and would have quit before I let that happen so she said I had to make sure Maddie was well trained because she was going to be around people and especially kids. The owner used to be a dog trainer so she helped me kennel train Maddie and teach her how to sit, stay and come. One day my boss said it was time to teach Maddie to stay out of the kitchen. No matter what. You see Maddie came to work with me and the restaurant kitchen was right across from my office. Dogs could NEVER go in the kitchen. My boss had me go into the kitchen while she stayed out of it with Maddie on a leash. She had me call Maddie. When my dog ran towards me, like she had been asked, my boss ripped so hard on the leash that my Maddie spiraled backwards. I didn't know that was going to happen and never would have gone along if I had. I scooped Maddie up, walked away and decided from that day forward I would train her myself. Maddie and I worked very hard to make sure she was a wonderful dog to be around. We were constantly training. Our hard work payed off. She was spectacular.
One of the games we played a lot was tug of war. I played tug of war with her from the time that I brought her home at 9 weeks old. I usually didn't pay attention too much while I was doing it because, after all, she was just a pup. One day I was sitting on the second stair of the staircase talking on the phone while playing tug of war with her. She tugged and I tugged and then she tugged so hard she ripped me off the staircase. She had tugged so hard I almost didn't catch myself. That's when I realized that she wasn't a puppy anymore. She was growing up. Fast. I had to pay attention now.
Another one of the perks of living at the dude ranch was the hiking. The ranch was situated at the bottom of a valley surrounded by 350,000 acres of national forest. She and I hiked. A lot. We would choose a different trail everyday and just go. Rain or shine. Winter or summer. We hiked. She often would find a stick along the way to take with her. My favorite memory of that was the day she grabbed and drug a stick for almost 3 miles. All the way to the top of the mountain. The stick wasn't actually a stick. It was an 11 foot pine tree that had fallen over. She tugged and yanked and pulled that tree through the narrow trail and I didn't stop her. She was determined. Who was I to get in the way of a girl and her determination? When we reached the top of the mountain she put the tree down looked at me with a sense of accomplishment and waited for her treat. I would always bring a orange with me when we hiked and she knew she would always get half. That day she extra earned it.
She loved playing fetch. One day, when the horses were in the pasture right by our house, she and I were practicing bringing the ball back to me in the backyard. Over and over again I threw the ball and over and over again I bribed her to bring it back. The last time I threw the ball it bounced off a rock and flew over the fence into the middle of a herd of horses. That didn't stop her. She barreled through the fence and right into the middle of the herd. All I saw was horses rearing up and running in all directions. Dirt and grass was swirling through the air and I couldn't find Maddie. I thought for sure the dust would settle and I would see that she had been trampled. I should have known better. She came trotting out of the dust cloud triumphantly carrying the tennis ball in her mouth with a bloody foot. She wanted me to throw the ball again. Instead, to her deep disappointment, I checked her foot. The outside toe of her right foot had been stepped on and was bleeding everywhere. That toenail never grew back right.
When I left that job and went to work on the performance horse ranch she went from being around 5 or so dogs when we would go to work to being around 1 but only when the shoer was onsite. At that time I traveled 5-6 days a week to different horse shows and took her with me. The day I had to have 4 hauling horse trailers pull over and after leaving a gas station so I could check for her because I couldn't remember putting her back in the trailer I knew I couldn't take her anymore. She had to stay home. We went through a couple of weeks of that before I asked to be moved to the office. All of that traveling was getting to me.
I worked in the office for weeks before one day I realized she was lonely. Very, very lonely. She didn't have anyone to play with. I decided to go to the pound to find her a companion. The paramiters I was given by my boyfriend of the time was small. He wanted a small dog. I was looking for a dog that was a little older. I came home with a dog that was only 1 of the 2. I came home with a 100lb dog I lovingly named Howard. It was a stark difference when he stood next to Maddie. Her body absolutely rippeld with muscle. My boyfriend said he should have known to not send me by myself. When I first took Howard to my vet, Pat, I had barely walked in the door when Pat looked up and saw Howard. I got no hello that day. Instead I got, "What. The. Fuck. Is. That." Howard was so fat. Huge really. I was given 1 task and 1 task only. Get Howard to lose weight. Luckily we lived within walking distance to the Stillaguamish River in Oso, WA so we would head over there a couple days a week. Both of the dogs loved the water. Maddie would only get in it if I threw a stick or ball for her but Howard would get in, swim to the middle of the river and swim against the current the whole time we were there. 30-45 minutes a couple times a week. He lost 30 pounds within the first couple of months of living with us.
Howard quickly became Maddie's best friend. They went everywhere together. They were amazing and a little naughty. There was one particular time I remember when I let them outside, at home, together. Again, I lived at the ranch but this time my house was right by a barn. I went to call them back in and they were no where to be found. I called and I called and I called. Nothing. Panic started to set in. It was dark and there were predators in this area. I went looking and they finally came waddling home. I mean WADDLING. They were both stuffed to the brim. Literally. I squeezed Maddie's belly and whole pieces of grain came out of her mouth. I then had to go find what they had gotten into. I found a half HALF! consumed 50 pound bag of horse grain. HALF! Between my two dogs they consumed 25 pounds of grain. I knew who had instigated that scheme. Maddie. One of her nicknames had always been the "food whore". She loved food. It took a couple of weeks for their bodies to get back to normal.
Another memory I have of Maddie at that ranch was right after we had gotten home. One of my roommates, Mark, had consumed an entire bottle of wine and was determined to fly a kite. The problem was there wasn't a lick of wind in the air. It was completely still. He had a plan. He would run as fast as he could around the pasture in front of our house with the kite behind him and make it fly by creating the wind with his speed. I stayed to watch. I'm pretty sure anyone in my spot would have done the same thing. With Howard on one side of me and Maddie on the other Mark readied himself. He got the kite in order behind him and took off. Around the the pasture, about the size of a football field, he sprinted. It was working! The problem was so did Maddie. She took off. Like a bat out of hell she ran straight across the field straight toward him. The closer she got the faster she seemed to run. I kept waiting for her to slow down. She didn't. She was almost to him who was still, by the way, sprinting at full speed completely unaware that she was running toward him. I was screaming for her to come back. She wasn't stopping. They met in the far side of the field. Her body took his feet right from underneath him. so hard he did a front flip. It was dead silence as he laid there. I was stunned. I was absolutely frozen in my tracks. When I finally snapped out of it I started running towards him. At this point Maddie was trotting back to me seeming to be completely unaware of what she had just done. Mark wasn't moving. I had scared energy coursing through my body. Then I heard something. It started very faint but quickly got louder and louder and louder. It was Mark. He was laughing. He got up and limped his way towards me. We met part way across the field where we both collapsed laughing over what had just happened. Maddie had never done anything like that before and had never done anything like that since.
When I decided it was time to come home (back to Arizona) I had to move into an apartment. It wasn't fair to keep even 1 let alone 2 dogs in an apartment all day so my parents took Howard. Maddie and I visited him all the time. When it was time for Howard to go "home" I had to stop taking Maddie over to my parents because she would search every room looking for him only to come back to me and, in her own dog way, ask me where he was. She was heart broken. It took her years to play with another dog again. Other dogs would come around and she didn't give them the time of day. She only played with her rope, frog or tennis ball.
Living in the city seemed to stifle her spirit. We couldn't hike like we used to. I had to leash her because some city people are completely irresponsible when it comes to their pets so leashes are a law. She really was better off a leash then on. When I was married we used to play cards with a couple of my friends every Tuesday. We would play for hours on the back porch at the table. She used to sit in the chair next to me and look around the table like she herself was playing. I swear she thought she was a human.
Her behavior had been progressively getting worse as the last couple of months wore on. She misbehaved on walks. She seemed to not want to go. We just thought her joints hurt. We assumed it was because she was getting older and that she acting out a bit because of the new baby. When we got back from Christmas vacation I almost didn't recognize her. Whatever the problem actually was had taken over her body. I called a couple of vets to get information and was told that just running the tests to find out what it was would cost $4-500, that treatment would be a lot more on top of that and that from the sounds of her problems they prognosis wouldn't be good. We didn't have that kind of money to throw around hoping to find a magic answer but I couldn't leave it at just that so I took to the world wide web and did tons of research. The more I researched the more it pointed to congestive heart failure and she was in the end stages. When we took her to the vet this morning I think I wanted him to tell me it would be okay and we could easily fix her. He didn't. Instead he told us that we were doing the right thing and based off of her looks and behavior she did, indeed, have congestive heart failure. His diagnosis was either kidney failure or a heart tumor. Neither of which could be easily fixed or really fixed at all. The treatments would be expensive and would only prolong her life by a short time but she would be confined to no activity. That isn't living. If I kept her it would only be because I selfishly wanted her for my sake. She wasn't even able to walk up the stairs.
As the vet talked I started to cry. And cry. And cry. He asked me if I wanted to be in the room when he did it. "Of course!" I said. I kept crying. He asked me that question 2 more times and the last time I lost it. I couldn't. I turned to Jason, asked him if he would stay with her, grabbed Jackson from him and left the room leaving my best friend of almost 11 years behind me.
She gave me almost 11 years of love and friendship surpassed by no one. She got me through a 2 year relationship, 3 1/2 year relationship, a brutal marriage and divorce. She was with me through graduating college, quitting my corporate job to do what I love, a pregnancy, birth and many, many moves. She was there when my Grandma died and when friendships began and ended. She has been my only constant for the last 11 years. She helped me through my sexual assault and all my health problems. She laid by me when I was sick and felt my loneliness. She was with me for happy times, sad times, hurt times and excited times. I miss her so much already. I love you Maddie girl. I love you so much. You will be very missed and, most certainly, never replaced.
When the owner found out I had bought a dog she flipped out and called me into the office. She was irate and almost made me return her. I think she knew that I was already in love and would have quit before I let that happen so she said I had to make sure Maddie was well trained because she was going to be around people and especially kids. The owner used to be a dog trainer so she helped me kennel train Maddie and teach her how to sit, stay and come. One day my boss said it was time to teach Maddie to stay out of the kitchen. No matter what. You see Maddie came to work with me and the restaurant kitchen was right across from my office. Dogs could NEVER go in the kitchen. My boss had me go into the kitchen while she stayed out of it with Maddie on a leash. She had me call Maddie. When my dog ran towards me, like she had been asked, my boss ripped so hard on the leash that my Maddie spiraled backwards. I didn't know that was going to happen and never would have gone along if I had. I scooped Maddie up, walked away and decided from that day forward I would train her myself. Maddie and I worked very hard to make sure she was a wonderful dog to be around. We were constantly training. Our hard work payed off. She was spectacular.
One of the games we played a lot was tug of war. I played tug of war with her from the time that I brought her home at 9 weeks old. I usually didn't pay attention too much while I was doing it because, after all, she was just a pup. One day I was sitting on the second stair of the staircase talking on the phone while playing tug of war with her. She tugged and I tugged and then she tugged so hard she ripped me off the staircase. She had tugged so hard I almost didn't catch myself. That's when I realized that she wasn't a puppy anymore. She was growing up. Fast. I had to pay attention now.
Another one of the perks of living at the dude ranch was the hiking. The ranch was situated at the bottom of a valley surrounded by 350,000 acres of national forest. She and I hiked. A lot. We would choose a different trail everyday and just go. Rain or shine. Winter or summer. We hiked. She often would find a stick along the way to take with her. My favorite memory of that was the day she grabbed and drug a stick for almost 3 miles. All the way to the top of the mountain. The stick wasn't actually a stick. It was an 11 foot pine tree that had fallen over. She tugged and yanked and pulled that tree through the narrow trail and I didn't stop her. She was determined. Who was I to get in the way of a girl and her determination? When we reached the top of the mountain she put the tree down looked at me with a sense of accomplishment and waited for her treat. I would always bring a orange with me when we hiked and she knew she would always get half. That day she extra earned it.
She loved playing fetch. One day, when the horses were in the pasture right by our house, she and I were practicing bringing the ball back to me in the backyard. Over and over again I threw the ball and over and over again I bribed her to bring it back. The last time I threw the ball it bounced off a rock and flew over the fence into the middle of a herd of horses. That didn't stop her. She barreled through the fence and right into the middle of the herd. All I saw was horses rearing up and running in all directions. Dirt and grass was swirling through the air and I couldn't find Maddie. I thought for sure the dust would settle and I would see that she had been trampled. I should have known better. She came trotting out of the dust cloud triumphantly carrying the tennis ball in her mouth with a bloody foot. She wanted me to throw the ball again. Instead, to her deep disappointment, I checked her foot. The outside toe of her right foot had been stepped on and was bleeding everywhere. That toenail never grew back right.
When I left that job and went to work on the performance horse ranch she went from being around 5 or so dogs when we would go to work to being around 1 but only when the shoer was onsite. At that time I traveled 5-6 days a week to different horse shows and took her with me. The day I had to have 4 hauling horse trailers pull over and after leaving a gas station so I could check for her because I couldn't remember putting her back in the trailer I knew I couldn't take her anymore. She had to stay home. We went through a couple of weeks of that before I asked to be moved to the office. All of that traveling was getting to me.
I worked in the office for weeks before one day I realized she was lonely. Very, very lonely. She didn't have anyone to play with. I decided to go to the pound to find her a companion. The paramiters I was given by my boyfriend of the time was small. He wanted a small dog. I was looking for a dog that was a little older. I came home with a dog that was only 1 of the 2. I came home with a 100lb dog I lovingly named Howard. It was a stark difference when he stood next to Maddie. Her body absolutely rippeld with muscle. My boyfriend said he should have known to not send me by myself. When I first took Howard to my vet, Pat, I had barely walked in the door when Pat looked up and saw Howard. I got no hello that day. Instead I got, "What. The. Fuck. Is. That." Howard was so fat. Huge really. I was given 1 task and 1 task only. Get Howard to lose weight. Luckily we lived within walking distance to the Stillaguamish River in Oso, WA so we would head over there a couple days a week. Both of the dogs loved the water. Maddie would only get in it if I threw a stick or ball for her but Howard would get in, swim to the middle of the river and swim against the current the whole time we were there. 30-45 minutes a couple times a week. He lost 30 pounds within the first couple of months of living with us.
Howard quickly became Maddie's best friend. They went everywhere together. They were amazing and a little naughty. There was one particular time I remember when I let them outside, at home, together. Again, I lived at the ranch but this time my house was right by a barn. I went to call them back in and they were no where to be found. I called and I called and I called. Nothing. Panic started to set in. It was dark and there were predators in this area. I went looking and they finally came waddling home. I mean WADDLING. They were both stuffed to the brim. Literally. I squeezed Maddie's belly and whole pieces of grain came out of her mouth. I then had to go find what they had gotten into. I found a half HALF! consumed 50 pound bag of horse grain. HALF! Between my two dogs they consumed 25 pounds of grain. I knew who had instigated that scheme. Maddie. One of her nicknames had always been the "food whore". She loved food. It took a couple of weeks for their bodies to get back to normal.
Another memory I have of Maddie at that ranch was right after we had gotten home. One of my roommates, Mark, had consumed an entire bottle of wine and was determined to fly a kite. The problem was there wasn't a lick of wind in the air. It was completely still. He had a plan. He would run as fast as he could around the pasture in front of our house with the kite behind him and make it fly by creating the wind with his speed. I stayed to watch. I'm pretty sure anyone in my spot would have done the same thing. With Howard on one side of me and Maddie on the other Mark readied himself. He got the kite in order behind him and took off. Around the the pasture, about the size of a football field, he sprinted. It was working! The problem was so did Maddie. She took off. Like a bat out of hell she ran straight across the field straight toward him. The closer she got the faster she seemed to run. I kept waiting for her to slow down. She didn't. She was almost to him who was still, by the way, sprinting at full speed completely unaware that she was running toward him. I was screaming for her to come back. She wasn't stopping. They met in the far side of the field. Her body took his feet right from underneath him. so hard he did a front flip. It was dead silence as he laid there. I was stunned. I was absolutely frozen in my tracks. When I finally snapped out of it I started running towards him. At this point Maddie was trotting back to me seeming to be completely unaware of what she had just done. Mark wasn't moving. I had scared energy coursing through my body. Then I heard something. It started very faint but quickly got louder and louder and louder. It was Mark. He was laughing. He got up and limped his way towards me. We met part way across the field where we both collapsed laughing over what had just happened. Maddie had never done anything like that before and had never done anything like that since.
When I decided it was time to come home (back to Arizona) I had to move into an apartment. It wasn't fair to keep even 1 let alone 2 dogs in an apartment all day so my parents took Howard. Maddie and I visited him all the time. When it was time for Howard to go "home" I had to stop taking Maddie over to my parents because she would search every room looking for him only to come back to me and, in her own dog way, ask me where he was. She was heart broken. It took her years to play with another dog again. Other dogs would come around and she didn't give them the time of day. She only played with her rope, frog or tennis ball.
Living in the city seemed to stifle her spirit. We couldn't hike like we used to. I had to leash her because some city people are completely irresponsible when it comes to their pets so leashes are a law. She really was better off a leash then on. When I was married we used to play cards with a couple of my friends every Tuesday. We would play for hours on the back porch at the table. She used to sit in the chair next to me and look around the table like she herself was playing. I swear she thought she was a human.
Her behavior had been progressively getting worse as the last couple of months wore on. She misbehaved on walks. She seemed to not want to go. We just thought her joints hurt. We assumed it was because she was getting older and that she acting out a bit because of the new baby. When we got back from Christmas vacation I almost didn't recognize her. Whatever the problem actually was had taken over her body. I called a couple of vets to get information and was told that just running the tests to find out what it was would cost $4-500, that treatment would be a lot more on top of that and that from the sounds of her problems they prognosis wouldn't be good. We didn't have that kind of money to throw around hoping to find a magic answer but I couldn't leave it at just that so I took to the world wide web and did tons of research. The more I researched the more it pointed to congestive heart failure and she was in the end stages. When we took her to the vet this morning I think I wanted him to tell me it would be okay and we could easily fix her. He didn't. Instead he told us that we were doing the right thing and based off of her looks and behavior she did, indeed, have congestive heart failure. His diagnosis was either kidney failure or a heart tumor. Neither of which could be easily fixed or really fixed at all. The treatments would be expensive and would only prolong her life by a short time but she would be confined to no activity. That isn't living. If I kept her it would only be because I selfishly wanted her for my sake. She wasn't even able to walk up the stairs.
As the vet talked I started to cry. And cry. And cry. He asked me if I wanted to be in the room when he did it. "Of course!" I said. I kept crying. He asked me that question 2 more times and the last time I lost it. I couldn't. I turned to Jason, asked him if he would stay with her, grabbed Jackson from him and left the room leaving my best friend of almost 11 years behind me.
She gave me almost 11 years of love and friendship surpassed by no one. She got me through a 2 year relationship, 3 1/2 year relationship, a brutal marriage and divorce. She was with me through graduating college, quitting my corporate job to do what I love, a pregnancy, birth and many, many moves. She was there when my Grandma died and when friendships began and ended. She has been my only constant for the last 11 years. She helped me through my sexual assault and all my health problems. She laid by me when I was sick and felt my loneliness. She was with me for happy times, sad times, hurt times and excited times. I miss her so much already. I love you Maddie girl. I love you so much. You will be very missed and, most certainly, never replaced.
 |
| Howard |
 |
| Howard and Maddie |
 |
| Maddie and Howard |
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Broken Hearted.
Tomorrow is going to be a sad day. A very, very, very sad day. My heart is already broken into a million pieces. I'm not sure how I'm going to put it all back together. Probably just a needle, thread and lots of time. Lots and lots and lots of time.
Is There a Such Thing as a Lowmax?
Yesterday was a dark, dark, dark day in Kathyland. I mean DARK. I had a complete and total "I'm absolutely worthless" meltdown that ended with me crying as I lay in bed into J's shoulder. It was tragic. A little dramatic. And exactly what I needed. This stagnation I've been living in is killing me slowly. Every day I feel a little worse about myself and every day I want to be different but it keeps not happening. Yes, I know some of it is pregnancy related but I have been wanting so much for so long without making it happen. Last night was the end of that road. I hit my lowmax.
Last night I prayed and I prayed HARD. I need something. Anything. And in the way that only God can that prayer was answered today by a small text that turned into a short conversation changing everything. I mean this. is. BIG. Like really big. Like really big and humongous. GYNORMOUS! But I can't tell you yet. There are a lot of details that need to be worked out but that is all happening starting tomorrow. There are so many different components that need to be worked out but it will be worth it. It is amazing how everything morphs. You think you are dreaming big but it works like a snowball rolling downhill. The more momentum it gets the faster it goes and the bigger it gets.
This is big.
This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time.
My heart needs this.
My family needs this.
I need this.
lowmax: the exact opposite of a climax. The anti-climax. The lowest of the lows.
Last night I prayed and I prayed HARD. I need something. Anything. And in the way that only God can that prayer was answered today by a small text that turned into a short conversation changing everything. I mean this. is. BIG. Like really big. Like really big and humongous. GYNORMOUS! But I can't tell you yet. There are a lot of details that need to be worked out but that is all happening starting tomorrow. There are so many different components that need to be worked out but it will be worth it. It is amazing how everything morphs. You think you are dreaming big but it works like a snowball rolling downhill. The more momentum it gets the faster it goes and the bigger it gets.
This is big.
This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time.
My heart needs this.
My family needs this.
I need this.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Dear January: Update 3
Dear January,
Not a whole lot of list progress was made this week. I got other things done but I need to get on it this week.
1. Send birthday cards (homemade) to family and close friends.
3. Have a completely homemade Christmas.
4. Get my Domesticated Kat blog/shop up and running.
5. Get my paperwork organized and find a routine that works to stop putting stuff down where it doesn't belong.
6. Get my anxiety under control.
7. Learn to set a budget and follow it.
8. Keep up with my menu planning, pre-making meals, cleaning routine and laundry routine.
I also have a couple of other goals not related to my resolutions that I will be completing.
Not a whole lot of list progress was made this week. I got other things done but I need to get on it this week.
1. Send birthday cards (homemade) to family and close friends.
Complete a list of all of the people who we want to send cards to.Add needed addresses to online address book.Pre-address all of the envelopes for the cards that will be mailed along with adding when they need to be in the mail. ~Need to buy envelopes.Make an assortment of 3 or 4 cards to add to the envelopes. ~Ask my SIL to borrow some of her stamps and her embossing gun.Buy a recipe box style container to hold them all so they are easily accessible.Add cards to envelopes and sort into the box.- Mail out all thank you cards for gifts given to Jackson and Christmas gifts.
3. Have a completely homemade Christmas.
Write a list of everyone we will be buying gifts for.
4. Get my Domesticated Kat blog/shop up and running.
Find a stitch font.Design the website structure.- Design the logo.
- Layout the main page and general structure of the website.
5. Get my paperwork organized and find a routine that works to stop putting stuff down where it doesn't belong.
Research/decide on file structure.Get all existing paperwork into files.- Put together "home base" notebook to be kept in the kitchen.
6. Get my anxiety under control.
Write blog post to explain more.Buy a MP3 player that holds photos and multiple playlists.Put together playlists.- Meet with counselor toward the end of the month.
7. Learn to set a budget and follow it.
Decide which program, Crown Financial or Financial Peace University, I want to go with.- Find a class that works for my schedule and sign up.
8. Keep up with my menu planning, pre-making meals, cleaning routine and laundry routine.
Maintain weekly menu planning.- Keep on cleaning.
- Keep up with laundry.
I also have a couple of other goals not related to my resolutions that I will be completing.
- Open a college account for Jackson.
- Organize the top of our closet.
Go through Facebook messages and respond/delete. The are over 75 un-responded to messages.
Can't wait for next week!
~Kathy
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Postpartum Depression
In my post about postpartum depression and anxiety I posted the other day I didn't address the depression part a whole lot. Here's what it looks like for me. Since I met with the counselor I have made some major changes that have helped but I still battle with it every. single. day.
1. A complete lack of desire to take care of myself. When I say complete I mean I don't even care about basic things like showering or brushing my teeth. The only reason I did any of that is because I didn't want to inflict myself on anyone else.
2. No concern for what I eat. I mainly ate well only because I want to provide JD with the best nutrients I can but that didn't stop me from eating lots of ice cream or sweets. It is almost like I am punishing myself for God knows what.
3. Extreme frustration with J. He isn't always the most sensitive so I seem to be capitalizing on that and overreacting about things he says. Even when I know what he actually means I still blow up whatever he says to be something dumb.
4. Not doing anything. I mean that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing but feeding my little boy. We had almost a week and a half of laundry built up on one or most occasions.
5. Fear that I am a bad Mom. I want to be the kind of Mom that makes it so my son wants people to come to his house because his Mom is so awesome.
6. Massive self loathing. This is probably the worst part and where everything else most likely stems from. I'm really good at insulting myself. I mean REALLY good. Really really good. If I don't get my to-do list done then I get down on myself. If JD cries it must be something that I have done. The list goes on and on and on. Most of the stuff that I hold against myself is completely out of my control but I still get down on myself for it.
Thankfully I am surrounded with people that have helped pull me out of the dumps. Over and over and over again. It is a daily struggle. You can't just snap your fingers and be done with it. It is something that you slowly have to work through slowly until finally one day you realize it is gone. Every day you work towards getting better. Some days are worse but most are a least a little better then the last. Sometimes you succumb to your feelings and lie around all day and sometimes you are flying around the house on the wings of motivation. Everyday is different. Just because I feel good today doesn't mean I will feel good tomorrow. Time is what it takes. My body has a bunch of hormones coursing through it. I can't just wish it away. It is a process. I'll need to talk about it. I'll need to feel. I need to acknowledge it. Facing it head on is the only way that I'll most past it. Pretending it isn't there will never work. Feelings are meant to be felt.
1. A complete lack of desire to take care of myself. When I say complete I mean I don't even care about basic things like showering or brushing my teeth. The only reason I did any of that is because I didn't want to inflict myself on anyone else.
2. No concern for what I eat. I mainly ate well only because I want to provide JD with the best nutrients I can but that didn't stop me from eating lots of ice cream or sweets. It is almost like I am punishing myself for God knows what.
3. Extreme frustration with J. He isn't always the most sensitive so I seem to be capitalizing on that and overreacting about things he says. Even when I know what he actually means I still blow up whatever he says to be something dumb.
4. Not doing anything. I mean that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing but feeding my little boy. We had almost a week and a half of laundry built up on one or most occasions.
 |
| http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ |
5. Fear that I am a bad Mom. I want to be the kind of Mom that makes it so my son wants people to come to his house because his Mom is so awesome.
6. Massive self loathing. This is probably the worst part and where everything else most likely stems from. I'm really good at insulting myself. I mean REALLY good. Really really good. If I don't get my to-do list done then I get down on myself. If JD cries it must be something that I have done. The list goes on and on and on. Most of the stuff that I hold against myself is completely out of my control but I still get down on myself for it.
 |
| http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ |
Thankfully I am surrounded with people that have helped pull me out of the dumps. Over and over and over again. It is a daily struggle. You can't just snap your fingers and be done with it. It is something that you slowly have to work through slowly until finally one day you realize it is gone. Every day you work towards getting better. Some days are worse but most are a least a little better then the last. Sometimes you succumb to your feelings and lie around all day and sometimes you are flying around the house on the wings of motivation. Everyday is different. Just because I feel good today doesn't mean I will feel good tomorrow. Time is what it takes. My body has a bunch of hormones coursing through it. I can't just wish it away. It is a process. I'll need to talk about it. I'll need to feel. I need to acknowledge it. Facing it head on is the only way that I'll most past it. Pretending it isn't there will never work. Feelings are meant to be felt.
It's A Date
We set a wedding date! Isn't that so exciting?! We had a lot to consider since J's family and some of both of our friends would have to travel. We debated and finally came to the conclusion that the Saturday after Thanksgiving is it. Everything has come together so quickly. We already have our whole vision.
1. Our location - It is amazing! Someone from the studio told me about it. We went and toured it and every single part of it appeals to us. We are limited to 40 people so between our immediate family and very close friends we are at the amount.
2. Our food - My brother in law is an amazing cook especially when it comes to BBQ and BBQ is what J and I both want so I have given him free reign to do whatever his heart desires. I've seem most of the menu thoughts so far and all I can say is de-lish!
3. Our cake - J doesn't like cake. It's too cakey. I don't really have an attachment to it so instead we are doing single servings of cobbler. Probably peach-strawberry.
4. Our favors - I'm making homemade peach-strawberry jam. It is going to be so pretty.
5. Centerpieces - I'm making homemade candles and will be covering the tables in glass jars with candles in them. It is going to be so pretty!
6. My dress - I looked around a bit and can't get over how expensive they are so I am doing the unthinkable. I'm repurposing my wedding dress from my first marriage. The dress is about the bride anyway so you know what? I'm cutting it up and making what I want. The vision in my mind is stunning and with my Mom's help I am sure it will turn out. Can't wait!
I have my save the dates designed but not quite done. The invitation is picked out. The flowers are picked out. Still deciding on my bouquet. Bridal party is picked out. We haven't even started on music or that but the great thing is I have months and months to figure it all out. I can buy stuff as we get closer to the date and work on one chunk at a time. The first thing I am going to work on is the candles. I have the wax I am going to buy picked out. All I need is to order it. Buy a double boiler for making it and decided whether I want colors or just plain white. I'm leaning towards the white or using modpodge and coating the outside it glitter or the snow stuff my mom was telling me about. I may coat just some of them or who knows. I'll just see how I feel. If you want to follow along in more detail here is a link to my Pinterest board. I want something simple yet elegant yet cost effective. We are paying for everything ourselves since the brides family traditionally pays but they already did with my first one. It will be exciting to see what we can come up with on our limited budget of about $2,500 including the $1,500 venue cost. We can do it!
1. Our location - It is amazing! Someone from the studio told me about it. We went and toured it and every single part of it appeals to us. We are limited to 40 people so between our immediate family and very close friends we are at the amount.
2. Our food - My brother in law is an amazing cook especially when it comes to BBQ and BBQ is what J and I both want so I have given him free reign to do whatever his heart desires. I've seem most of the menu thoughts so far and all I can say is de-lish!
3. Our cake - J doesn't like cake. It's too cakey. I don't really have an attachment to it so instead we are doing single servings of cobbler. Probably peach-strawberry.
4. Our favors - I'm making homemade peach-strawberry jam. It is going to be so pretty.
5. Centerpieces - I'm making homemade candles and will be covering the tables in glass jars with candles in them. It is going to be so pretty!
6. My dress - I looked around a bit and can't get over how expensive they are so I am doing the unthinkable. I'm repurposing my wedding dress from my first marriage. The dress is about the bride anyway so you know what? I'm cutting it up and making what I want. The vision in my mind is stunning and with my Mom's help I am sure it will turn out. Can't wait!
I have my save the dates designed but not quite done. The invitation is picked out. The flowers are picked out. Still deciding on my bouquet. Bridal party is picked out. We haven't even started on music or that but the great thing is I have months and months to figure it all out. I can buy stuff as we get closer to the date and work on one chunk at a time. The first thing I am going to work on is the candles. I have the wax I am going to buy picked out. All I need is to order it. Buy a double boiler for making it and decided whether I want colors or just plain white. I'm leaning towards the white or using modpodge and coating the outside it glitter or the snow stuff my mom was telling me about. I may coat just some of them or who knows. I'll just see how I feel. If you want to follow along in more detail here is a link to my Pinterest board. I want something simple yet elegant yet cost effective. We are paying for everything ourselves since the brides family traditionally pays but they already did with my first one. It will be exciting to see what we can come up with on our limited budget of about $2,500 including the $1,500 venue cost. We can do it!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Per my midwife's prompting I met with a counselor towards the end of December. It's confirmed. I have textbook postpartum depression. I found out that there are several different things a woman can experience after having a baby. One is depression and there are like 5 others that I can't remember. My counselor had me fill out a bunch a paperwork prior to my appointment that she reviewed during the first part of our time together. Let's just say...she pegged me in about 10 minutes. Not just the postpartum stuff but parts of my personality that weren't addressed when I met with a counselor a couple years ago and that not many people know about me. A lot of the stuff that I worked through the last time I saw a counselor were events that happened to me or dealing with personality traits in others that affect me...not necessarily me in my heart. One of the things she talked about was my anxiety issue. All I could think was "my what? I don't have an anxiety issue." I'd never considered that I may have anxiety but as she described it she was describing me to a "T". It was reinforced when I called at talked to my sister afterwards and she started laughing. I asked why she was laughing and she said, "that's definitely you."
What a combo, huh? Depression and anxiety. My counselor explained that they seem like polar opposites but are actually quite connected. I had talked about how I love love love being a Mom and don't really get frustrated with JD but find myself getting ugly with J. I despise that. It is almost like I am watching a movie of myself being horrible to him but I can't hit the stop button. It is about the most ridiculous things too. She asked me if my breakdowns tend to be at night. I literally just stared at her for a minute. How did she know?! They always happen after 8:00pm. Always. She explained that when you let your anxiety go unchecked it is the culmination of events throughout the day that ultimately triggers you. Small things that happen all day long. Each one slowly raising my anxiety until finally by the end of the night I go apeshit over the way he is breathing. Not really but that is a good example of how insane the items that set me off sometimes are.
She asked me about my relationship. She asked me about being a Mom. She asked me about my childhood. She explained a lot of the scientific reason behind why things happen the way they happen. I liked that aspect a lot. She then spent the last 30 minutes going over different ways I can practice getting my anxiety under control. You can't cure it. It never goes away. You can learn how to curb it so it doesn't control you. Here are the tools she gave me for my getting this anxiety under control tool box.
1. Diaphragmatic Breathing - She explained how doing this causes you to slow down, focus, and see the situation for what it is. Generally the situation is just an annoyance. I am supposed to practice this 3 or 4 times a day for 5-10 minute stretches.
2. Visit My Happy Place - The moment these words came out of her mouth my coo-coo warning went off. What the fuck is happy place anyway? She must have read my body language because she asked me to set my preconceived notions about it aside and approach it with a clear mind. She then took me through an exercise to find my happy place. She had go to the place that makes me happy. She then had me describe everything about it. The way it looked, smelled, felt. Everything. By the end of the exercise I was crying. Apparently that's a normal reaction. Maybe I'll share my happy place sometime but for now I'm keeping it to myself.
3. Put Together A Song Playlist - She suggested I make 2 playlists. 1 of songs that relax me and calm me down to reduce my anxiety. I immediately thought of Loreena McKennit. I love her songs. She said I should also design a playlist that gets me pumped up to help combat when I feel depressed. She stressed that I should never listen to songs that get me pumped up when I have anxiety because that will only increase my anxiety. Makes sense.
4. Design a Photo Playlist - This one should be a major winner for me. They should be photos that bring me peace. This one will pretty much be of JD.
5. Lavender - Keep a tictac type container filled with cotton balls covered in Lavender oil in my purse. That way if I am out and about but need to calm down I can pull it out of my purse and smell it.
6. Take Gaba Tablets - It is said to reduce anxiety and I can take it on an as need basis.
7. Exercise - This one I've known for a while and, in fact, my counselor said that I've probably been using it for years as a way to self medicate. A healthy self medication at least, right?
The main thing my counselor stressed was that these techniques won't eliminate my anxiety. They will only reduce it. I made a graph below to demonstrate what I am talking about.
As you can see the anxiety doesn't go away. I still have anxiety at the end of the day but just not as much. It's one of those things that you have to learn to live with kinda like when you have eating issues. They never go away. You just learn healthier habits.
That's it. You can make anything a habit if you practice it enough times. That doesn't mean that you can't slip out of if momentarily. Like looking both ways before you cross the street. That is a habit. A habit taught to you by a parent and repeated over and over and over again until it is almost instinct to do it. But...sometimes you slip. For example, 2 Black Fridays ago my SIL and I were shopping. We were playing around carrying things awkwardly. Long story. Anyway, she was carrying a weedwacker as awkwardly as she could and I was taking her picture. 2 grown adult women playing around in the parking lot. She stepped out in the road as I took the picture and almost got plowed by some SUV driver going like 25 mph in a parking lot. Obviously driving in the Christmas spirit to get to their next store. The point is both of us know better. We know to look both ways but sometimes we get distracted like that day. I can't beat myself up if I momentarily slip out of the habit of keeping my anxiety in check but the more I practice the more second nature it becomes.
What a combo, huh? Depression and anxiety. My counselor explained that they seem like polar opposites but are actually quite connected. I had talked about how I love love love being a Mom and don't really get frustrated with JD but find myself getting ugly with J. I despise that. It is almost like I am watching a movie of myself being horrible to him but I can't hit the stop button. It is about the most ridiculous things too. She asked me if my breakdowns tend to be at night. I literally just stared at her for a minute. How did she know?! They always happen after 8:00pm. Always. She explained that when you let your anxiety go unchecked it is the culmination of events throughout the day that ultimately triggers you. Small things that happen all day long. Each one slowly raising my anxiety until finally by the end of the night I go apeshit over the way he is breathing. Not really but that is a good example of how insane the items that set me off sometimes are.
She asked me about my relationship. She asked me about being a Mom. She asked me about my childhood. She explained a lot of the scientific reason behind why things happen the way they happen. I liked that aspect a lot. She then spent the last 30 minutes going over different ways I can practice getting my anxiety under control. You can't cure it. It never goes away. You can learn how to curb it so it doesn't control you. Here are the tools she gave me for my getting this anxiety under control tool box.
1. Diaphragmatic Breathing - She explained how doing this causes you to slow down, focus, and see the situation for what it is. Generally the situation is just an annoyance. I am supposed to practice this 3 or 4 times a day for 5-10 minute stretches.
2. Visit My Happy Place - The moment these words came out of her mouth my coo-coo warning went off. What the fuck is happy place anyway? She must have read my body language because she asked me to set my preconceived notions about it aside and approach it with a clear mind. She then took me through an exercise to find my happy place. She had go to the place that makes me happy. She then had me describe everything about it. The way it looked, smelled, felt. Everything. By the end of the exercise I was crying. Apparently that's a normal reaction. Maybe I'll share my happy place sometime but for now I'm keeping it to myself.
3. Put Together A Song Playlist - She suggested I make 2 playlists. 1 of songs that relax me and calm me down to reduce my anxiety. I immediately thought of Loreena McKennit. I love her songs. She said I should also design a playlist that gets me pumped up to help combat when I feel depressed. She stressed that I should never listen to songs that get me pumped up when I have anxiety because that will only increase my anxiety. Makes sense.
4. Design a Photo Playlist - This one should be a major winner for me. They should be photos that bring me peace. This one will pretty much be of JD.
5. Lavender - Keep a tictac type container filled with cotton balls covered in Lavender oil in my purse. That way if I am out and about but need to calm down I can pull it out of my purse and smell it.
6. Take Gaba Tablets - It is said to reduce anxiety and I can take it on an as need basis.
7. Exercise - This one I've known for a while and, in fact, my counselor said that I've probably been using it for years as a way to self medicate. A healthy self medication at least, right?
The main thing my counselor stressed was that these techniques won't eliminate my anxiety. They will only reduce it. I made a graph below to demonstrate what I am talking about.
As you can see the anxiety doesn't go away. I still have anxiety at the end of the day but just not as much. It's one of those things that you have to learn to live with kinda like when you have eating issues. They never go away. You just learn healthier habits.
hab·it
noun
1. an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary
That's it. You can make anything a habit if you practice it enough times. That doesn't mean that you can't slip out of if momentarily. Like looking both ways before you cross the street. That is a habit. A habit taught to you by a parent and repeated over and over and over again until it is almost instinct to do it. But...sometimes you slip. For example, 2 Black Fridays ago my SIL and I were shopping. We were playing around carrying things awkwardly. Long story. Anyway, she was carrying a weedwacker as awkwardly as she could and I was taking her picture. 2 grown adult women playing around in the parking lot. She stepped out in the road as I took the picture and almost got plowed by some SUV driver going like 25 mph in a parking lot. Obviously driving in the Christmas spirit to get to their next store. The point is both of us know better. We know to look both ways but sometimes we get distracted like that day. I can't beat myself up if I momentarily slip out of the habit of keeping my anxiety in check but the more I practice the more second nature it becomes.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Dear January: Update 2
Dear January,
It's been a bit less showy this week than last but still good progress. I'm going to have to go back to add another goal to 2012's goals because WE SET A DATE! A wedding date that is. I'll give more details in a separate post. This week brought a lot of unplanned progress but progress none the less. It feels so good to actually be getting stuff done. Between very well defined goals, a great partner and my nephew coming over to keep me motivated things are looking super positive. I marked all of the items I got done this week in purple. I'm very happy with the results.
1. Send birthday cards (homemade) to family and close friends.
3. Have a completely homemade Christmas.
4. Get my Domesticated Kat blog/shop up and running.
5. Get my paperwork organized and find a routine that works to stop putting stuff down where it doesn't belong.
6. Get my anxiety under control.
7. Learn to set a budget and follow it.
8. Keep up with my menu planning, pre-making meals, cleaning routine and laundry routine.
I also have a couple of other goals not related to my resolutions that I will be completing.
It's been a bit less showy this week than last but still good progress. I'm going to have to go back to add another goal to 2012's goals because WE SET A DATE! A wedding date that is. I'll give more details in a separate post. This week brought a lot of unplanned progress but progress none the less. It feels so good to actually be getting stuff done. Between very well defined goals, a great partner and my nephew coming over to keep me motivated things are looking super positive. I marked all of the items I got done this week in purple. I'm very happy with the results.
1. Send birthday cards (homemade) to family and close friends.
Complete a list of all of the people who we want to send cards to.Add needed addresses to online address book.Pre-address all of the envelopes for the cards that will be mailed along with adding when they need to be in the mail. ~Need to buy envelopes.Make an assortment of 3 or 4 cards to add to the envelopes. ~Ask my SIL to borrow some of her stamps and her embossing gun.Buy a recipe box style container to hold them all so they are easily accessible.Add cards to envelopes and sort into the box.- Mail out all thank you cards for gifts given to Jackson and Christmas gifts.
3. Have a completely homemade Christmas.
Write a list of everyone we will be buying gifts for.
4. Get my Domesticated Kat blog/shop up and running.
- Find a stitch font.
Design the website structure.- Design the logo.
- Layout the main page and general structure of the website.
5. Get my paperwork organized and find a routine that works to stop putting stuff down where it doesn't belong.
Research/decide on file structure.Get all existing paperwork into files.- Put together "home base" notebook to be kept in the kitchen.
6. Get my anxiety under control.
- Write blog post to explain more.
Buy a MP3 player that holds photos and multiple playlists.- Put together playlists.
- Meet with counselor toward the end of the month.
7. Learn to set a budget and follow it.
Decide which program, Crown Financial or Financial Peace University, I want to go with.- Find a class that works for my schedule and sign up.
8. Keep up with my menu planning, pre-making meals, cleaning routine and laundry routine.
Maintain weekly menu planning.- Keep on cleaning.
- Keep up with laundry.
I also have a couple of other goals not related to my resolutions that I will be completing.
- Open a college account for Jackson.
- Organize the top of our closet.
Go through Facebook messages and respond/delete. The are over 75 un-responded to messages.
Can't wait for next week!
~Kathy
Friday, January 13, 2012
What Do You Want?
Isn't it fascinating how events, whether good or bad, that happen in other people's lives really cause us to reflect on our own lives? For example, a family member of someone I am really close to was laid off and it made me really think. What would happen to us if that happened? How prepared are we really? It really kicked my butt in gear in working on my projects. I HATE completely relying on someone else for my well being. Don't get me wrong...I love love love my job but I want something outside of it that makes a little bit of extra money. I'm doing Mary Kay and all but I still want something more which is the void that I hope The Domesticated Kat fills.
My point to all this is, that if you want something, know what you want and don't really have anything in the way then you need to make it happen. Now. Don't know how to make a website and can't afford to pay someone to do it? Get to researching! Find a place like gangplank that may offer guidance. Attend a Wordcamp conference. Buy a book off of half.com. Make it happen. Don't know how to get an LLC? Write about it in your Facebook status update. Maybe one of your friends can point you in a good direction. Talk about it. Write about it. Make a list of everything that you have to do to get it done. Start with the little stuff to build momentum and then start knocking it out of the ballpark. Who knows...maybe there is someone out in the world waiting for the business that you have yet to start or the blog you have yet to share like another friend of mine. She designed a beautiful blog and wrote something beautiful posts and didn't know if she wanted to share it. She gave me the link and I loved it! One of her posts absolutely touched me to the core. I needed to read it today. You never know what other people may need. So do it. Do it now.
My point to all this is, that if you want something, know what you want and don't really have anything in the way then you need to make it happen. Now. Don't know how to make a website and can't afford to pay someone to do it? Get to researching! Find a place like gangplank that may offer guidance. Attend a Wordcamp conference. Buy a book off of half.com. Make it happen. Don't know how to get an LLC? Write about it in your Facebook status update. Maybe one of your friends can point you in a good direction. Talk about it. Write about it. Make a list of everything that you have to do to get it done. Start with the little stuff to build momentum and then start knocking it out of the ballpark. Who knows...maybe there is someone out in the world waiting for the business that you have yet to start or the blog you have yet to share like another friend of mine. She designed a beautiful blog and wrote something beautiful posts and didn't know if she wanted to share it. She gave me the link and I loved it! One of her posts absolutely touched me to the core. I needed to read it today. You never know what other people may need. So do it. Do it now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
