Comparison

The Real Update Photos

Wow! I didn't think there would be such a difference. Check out my before.

Update Picture

I can totally see the changes. Can't you?

Express MiE at the Renn Festival

Don't worry. I promise real pictures.

Kathy

Good Times

At the rock and worship concert. I have the greatest friends.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I can see it! I can see it!

I have been living in this funk mode for a couple of weeks now and it has been miserable. I am not in the mood to do anything. I just don't wanna...but that mood is ending. I am now kicking back into the you need to get things done mode. Yes!

I decided to forgo my MiE time for the rest of the week because it made me feel so exposed. When I actually focus on MiE I get all soft inside. I needed to get my life together a little more before I get back to that and fortunately that time is coming sooner then later. I should be unpacked by Sunday night and fully functional by Monday. Yeah! I have already booked my dance classes for next week so I will be business as usual. Well...except for the fact that I will be in the Grand Canyon from Friday to Sunday.

Also, I swear I will do new picture this weekend and post them so keep an eye out for those.

My Nephew

I have the greatest family ever and they in turn have the greatest kids ever. I love my neice and nephews. Here are a couple pictures that I thought were fun. This is Gavin. Poor guy, in the second picture, but Aunt Kathy was hungry.

Slowing Down...Not So Much

I had to miss my classes last night to go get new tires. What fun! My car drives much better though so it does make me feel safer.

I really suck at slowing down. I have plans tonight, tomorrow night, all day Saturday, and most of Sunday. Monday I am kinda free, Tuesday I am booked and then I am out of town until Sunday. Why is it so impossible for me to just be? I think it has to do with what Leah posted on the One Tuesday Night blog. I think that if I slow down and let myself feel everything that I have been going through I won't recover.

My life is full of what if's and where from here's and I don't want to think about them, talk about them, and most definitely feel them. My husband came to my work yesterday and changed my flat tire for me (which was really sweet of him) and I swear I could smell beer. I smell beer everywhere I go. I smell it at Express MiE, my parents house, my house, my work, my car and pretty much everywhere else. Almost everywhere I go I know there is no beer but I always smell it. When I talk to him on the phone I wonder if he is drinking while we talk or did right before we talked or will right after we talk. I have no guarentee that he will ever be done with this.

This experience has made me doubt everything. I feel like I make no impact in life. I know what I do at work is important to my company but what do I really do for others? I want to make a difference in other peoples lives.

Midnight

Boohoo...I got a flat tire today, my relationships is in shambles, work is stressful, at my apartment is craptastic. Boohoo Boohoo Boohoo Boohoo Boohoo Boohoo Boohoo Boohoo Boohoo Boohoo.

At midnight the pitty party is officially over.

My bruised knee.

Time to Prioritize

I feel like I have been going 100 miles per hour for the last couple of months and you know what? I am tired. I am tired of feeling rushed and tired of feeling like I am not enough. I need to go through my life and remember my MiE time and really decide whether I need to do all of the things that I commit myself to. I have decided that I am doing nothing on Friday night but unpack. My apartment is giving me anxiety it is so messy. Saturday is the Renaissance Festival and church. Sunday is church and bible study and then...nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing. The next week is going to be so busy. Tuesday is group, Wednesday I fly to Denver and am there through Thursday. Friday I drive to the Grand Canyon and am there through Monday. I am already failing at cutting back.

Last night I was able to get some MiE time in and did Salsa Pump. That class flew by. I can tell that I haven't been as faithful working out because I had a tough go at it. I have a Zumba class before group tonight and I am looking forward to that.

Get Back on the Horse

What a craptastic week. I gave in on Wednesday and ate Sweet Tomatoes. For those of you not familiar with that place...yum...but it is a buffet. 'Nough said. Then last night I was doing some unpacking and my brother brought home pizza. It was good at the time but backfired in the end. *Shudder* I finished it up with a bagel because that is all I had around since I am staying with a friend. My stomach hurts so much. All this on top of barely making it in for some MiE time.

I just hit the reset button. I am back on track.

My Heart Is Broken

He never stopped. Even after I caught him he never stopped.

It has been made clear to me that I need to get out. I have a fun filled day of moving my things out of the house. It is funny how everything has worked out. My brother is moving back home the end of this month and was going to have to break his lease but instead I am going to move right into that lease. I will have it until the end of August which gives me 5 months to really get my thoughts gathered. I am so sick about this. The lease on the house we are staying in is up this month so I won't have any huge penalties to worry about. I am so mad at God right now. I don't understand how he made us meet if this is what was going to come of it. If I really think rationally I know that so much good has come out of it but a lot of pain has too.

I also fell on my rollarblades again last night. This time I straight fell. I have a giant bruise on my knee. Nothing like adding insult to injury if you know what I mean.

Dang It!

I was totally planning on going the the Sassy MiE Soiree but I will be at the Grand Canyon on April 4th. BOO! I was looking forward to it. You all are going to have so much fun without me.

The Weekend

I am so freaking proud of myself. I made it through this weekend without any setbacks, major or minor. I went to a wedding on Saturday night with yummy cake and Mexican food. First of all, yum and yum. I stayed good on my points and burned some energy on the dance floor. Let me tell you I definitely would have been super sore if not for the fact that I dance all the time now. I even attempted some...drum roll please...Josefa would be so proud of me...more drum roll...Latin music. Nothing with a partner but I didn't feel like a total moron. Good times.

Tonight I have Bollywood Babes and Salsa Pump. I am super stoked for Salsa Pump. Due to something personal coming up last Friday I was unable to make attend. I need a good ole' fashion butt kicking. If anyone is looking for some fun tonight you should totally join me! If you do...don't forget to eat. Take it from me. You might puke.

My Awesomeness Astounds MiE

So...I rollerbladed to the dance studio tonight and had a GREAT time in class. Hannah busted our butts Josefa-style. I loved it. I stayed after for a few minutes and talked to one of the other students. She commented (you know who you are) about the fact that if she were to rollerblade she would be flat on her face in no time. Well...me too. I did the rookie move and tried to go straight up my driveway. Doing that on rollerblades is equivilent to running straight into a sidewalk curb on a bike. Driveways have a small lip and the small wheels struggle with that. There were legs, elbows, and purses everywhere. And...of course...someone happened to be driving by at that exact moment. I bet they peed their pants they were laughing so hard. I am lucky I did not get more hurt but I did knock the wind out of me. I haven't done that in years and it literally felt like I was going to die.

Good note though. I think I worked the bagel out of me tonight. Won't make that mistake again. Also, my husband, who is a fantastic cook, made the yummiest dinner ever. I am looking forward to leftovers tomorrow.

Argh!

I have worked so hard this week to eat right, excercise, blah, blah, blah and then bagels. Fresh warm bagels. I looked of the calorie info and it didn't look too bad so I partook. Then I realized I was looking at the weight not the calorie content and BAM! It all went to hell. So I am on double duty tonight to fix that flub. Oh! That makes me so mad. I should have known. It looked too good to be true and you know what? It was. Good thing I have been taking my MiE time or this could have been a much worse situation.

I have Colloquial Celtic tonight. I am looking forward to that one. The more I practice it the less of a clutz I feel like. My first couple of classes all I could do was sit and stare with a huh? running through my mind. I really need to rock it out so work off that dumb bagel. Did I mention that it was so not worth it? No? Well...it was so not worth it. I feel all carb bloated now. Ugh.

New Beginnings

I have to say I love the start of a new week. Not only do we get the gift of a new day every day but once every seven days we get to start over again. For me it is a new week, new attitude.

Okay...I promised this a week ago but late is better then never....drum roll please...my hips are down from 47" to 46.75". I gotta admit I thought it was going to be more. All of my clothes fit so much better. Hum.

Life

My husband is an alcoholic. When I say alcoholic I mean the "drink a massive amount of booze in one sitting, hiding by himself and then lying about it" kind. This is why I left for several month last year so he could get his act together.

Well...yesterday I caught him with 4 - 32oz beers. I wasn't supposed to be home. I had left to go help a friend with her wedding but realized I forgot my phone. I got caught in traffic and took almost 30 minutes to get home. When I walked in the door there it was. I was stunned to silence but soon started to frantically search for my phone. I was angry and hurt and furious and any other word that you can think of for a situation like this. I did tell him a little piece of my mind before I left but it was thought out instead of emotional. Boy did I want to be emotional and then run to Cold Stone Creamery and order the biggest, fattiest ice cream I could concoct and eat my sorrows away.

I didn't. I drove straight to my friends and helped. I met my husband later for bowling with some people from our small group. I am not leaving this time. I don't understand the addiction but I do understand the commitment I made to both my husband and God.

Focus on What You Have

*Warning - Some sappiness may follow.*

I have been having a heck of a couple of weeks/months/year and I was totally a "Debbie Downer" (no offense intended to anyone named Debbie) tonight. Even I didn't want to be around me. I signed up for 3 dance classes tonight. I had A LOT of making up to do. Thank you very little last week.

I realized the yesterday that I have gotten comfortable in my same classes every week and had not tried anything new in a while. I did the Gotta Love the 80's class yesterday (which was super fun) and my first class today was Happy Feet - Tap!. That was the perfect beginning to my Debbie Downer night because I had to really concentrate in order to keep up. I gotta admit...I am NOT good at tap at all. Jen had way more confidence in me than I did. I will definately take again to see if maybe the second or third time is the charm.

Then...Cumbia Rhythms...Josefa TORE. US. UP. and I loved every second of it. I needed a good physical challenge in order to take my attention out of my head. (That is a terrible place to be right now!) She seems to be under the impression that lunges and squats are dance moves. Weird! but very fitting. By the time I made it to Burlesque Beauty I was so mentally and physically tapped that I was able to really get into it. Hannah came up with a fun new dance that used the chair. Not gonna lie...I like using props.

I was in a way better space by the time I left but still had the fact that I needed to meet with some good friends of mine, who I was helping with a website, and let them know that I was being pulled in too many directions and could no longer help them. I was super bummed out because it is a couple that has helped me through SO many hard times and I felt like I was letting them down. I arrived at their place a little after 8:00 to break the news in person. *Sappy Part* They told me that I had enough on my plate and needed to not worry about them. Their only concern was that I was being taken care of. I broke down, aka. balled my eyes out. I didn't realize the amount of pressure I put on myself. I need to do this...I need to do that...I am not keeping up here, here, and here...etc. I was over there until well past 9:00 and they just listened and offered all of the appropriate advice at all of the appropriate places.

Ladies, here is a nugget of advice for you. Get friends that really care about you. When I say really I mean the kind of friends that would literally do anything for you. The kind you can be completely open and honest with. No judgements. I have really changed the crowd I "hang" with in the past 6 months and am now surrounded with the kinds of friends that make me want to be a better person. Get friends like that. If you don't know where to go then come find me at Express MiE and I will introduce you to mine. My friends ROCK!

Unsettling

I had every intention of getting some MiE time in last night but my husband trumped that. He was laid off yesterday. It was amazing watching him handle it. Thank goodness we have our faith because this could have gone several different directions. We ended up at some friends house where my DH was able to talk to the man and really hash things out. There is something about talking to someone of the same sex about your thoughts. My friends husband was able to say or not say all the things that my husband needed to hear or not hear. It was a very uplifting night.

My DH has been wanting to go to school and pursue different things but always used his job as a excuse. Excuse gone. We are taking a week or so to regroup and figure out what exactly we are capable of.

I am taking some MiE time for sure tonight though. I am going CRAZY!!!!

*Funny Story I Forgot to Add* My DH and I stopped and got something to drink on the way to our friends last night. When he pulled his cup out of the cup holder there was a small piece of paper stuck to the bottom. Low and behold it was one of the fortunes from Express MiE's fortune cookies. I had to laugh out loud when he read it, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Choose a happy path." We thought that was very fitting.

Expectations

I totally ran myself ragged last past week and paid for it this weekend. I was asleep by 7:30pm on Friday night. Ran all day Saturday, ran all day Sunday, and was in bed asleep for the night at 4:00pm. I did it again...I emptied my energy bucket trying to please everyone else and was left with nothing. I need to learn balance. I actually need to learn to say "no" but one step at a time right? I am so excited to get back my MiE time today. Balance! I have Bollywood Babes and Salsa Spice to look forward to.

On another note...I can tell that I am losing weight. I hate the term "losing" though because it implies that you need to find it again. Rewrite: I can tell that I am getting rid of some weight. My clothes fit better and I just plain feel healthier. I found it funny that I am only slightly thinner then I was a week ago but feel like I am half as big. Confidence is a funny thing. You can gain it and lose it in a matter of seconds. I hope to keep gaining it though because it seems like the more you have the harder it is to lose.