A Woman's Worth?

What is it that we use to decide what we are worth? It is our looks, talents, skills, education, money, house, mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends, job, how we were raised, boyfriends, bosses, mentors, teachers, students, children, spouses, coworkers...? When is everything is said and done, when we tally everything up, how do we come to the final conclusion?


I went out with some girlfriends this weekend and we ended up at a bar in Scottsdale. 'Nough said, right? No. The four of us were hanging out, doing a bit of dancing, and just enjoying each others company when in walks 2 girls. I didn't pay much attention until someone points out to me that they are dancing on a table while staring at themselves in the mirror. I have to admit that I laughed. I laughed really, really hard. They then climbed on the bar we were sitting at and we got an eye full. Their shirts barely covered them and their skirts were non-existent with NOTHING underneath. We saw everything. Everything all out there for the world to see. The whole group of us exploded in unexpected laughter. As the night wound down and I got home I got to thinking...why would a girl do that? They weren't ugly girls. In fact their faces were quite pretty. Why did they think they needed to do something like that to get attention? I guess I will never know the answer to those questions but I hope that every person out their realizes their worth. And everyone is worth more than that.

It's that time again!

Phase 3 complete last night. Oye! The sides don't feel the best. My friend Bob was there. He came straight from the shooting range so when she was working on my sides he made a joke about biting the bullet. He then remembered he actually had one in his pocket so of course we had to take a picture.

Really? A parasite? Huh...I didn't realize people actually got those?

Last night I doubled booked myself but I ended up doing neither. I got a call at a little before seven that resulted in my driving as fast as I could to Tatum and Union Hills (for those of you out of state that is 30 minutes from my house). The gal, we'll call her SR (Super Rad), I went to Mexico with was having major stomach pains. I scooped her up and we headed to the ER. Upon arrival we were greeted with "So how are you all doing tonight?" What? Who asks that at an ER? How do you think we are doing? Anyway, we quickly got checked in and admitted in a room within 20 or so minutes. Not bad. Maybe we will be home by 10? Funny side note, I realized that I had a bottle of wine in my purse from grocery shopping earlier that night. I think the nurse thought we were going to crack it open because he got all antsy when he saw it.

Moving on, after we get settled in the room a person came around to register SR. They talked about insurance and what not but the conversation quickly turns sketchy. She tells SR "I am going to ask you a series of questions but don't be alarmed. We ask everyone. First, do you have a living will?". What? Seriously? She then continues to ask questions and ends with something like, "Is there anyone here that you would like to appoint as your power of attorney in the event that something happens?" She asked that one while glancing at me. Whoa. No, we're good thanks.

The doctor came in to ask some questions to try to figure out what may be going on. Talking, talking, talking...then SR suddenly remembers that one of the nights she was there she got up in the middle of the night and drank some water from the tap by habit. Damn. Parasite.

The doc also decided that we should do a quick test to rule out a blood clot. I am thinking quick? 20 minutes. No prob. Nope. 1 hour. The guys draws the blood (a TON of it) and sets off. 45 minutes later he comes back. They didn't get enough. What? He drew almost a pint but it had to be in a certain bottle. He then drew 2 more vials. 45 minutes later he comes back. The blood was hemotized. I have no idea how to spell it or what it really means except they needed more blood. The guy from the lab came to draw it that time. 40 minutes later we got the go ahead that SR could be released. Then we sat. And sat. And sat. We hear our nurse head over to the girl in the bed a across from us. She needs to drink this stuff. Drink. Burp. Throw up in mouth. Then all over the floor. Now...I am a sympathy puker. I immediately dry heaved but SR saved me from doing the same thing as the other girl. We couldn't get out of there fast enough. Another hour spent at the pharmacy and SR was home by 2:00am. Me by 2:30.

Either you have a good time or a good memory. That would be under the good memory category.

Moral of the story: Don't drink the water.

Every Now and Then...

You just need a good cry. Last night I had mine. It was the kind of cry that makes your chest hurt. The kind of cry that made me physically ill when I woke up this morning. I thought I was going to have to call into work I felt so horrible but I ended up getting there at 9:30. I haven't done that in a long time. It was good for me though because that means I am actually processing my feelings rather then stuffing them away. When you stuff your feelings away you are really just saving them for a far more inconvenient time. So...yeah me!

The Non-Awesome Events

I decided to post about the non-awesome parts before I overwhelm you with the awesome parts.

First, I got attacked my mosquitos. I had over 37 bites from my left knee to my left foot. I had 20 on my face and more all over my arms and neck. I looked like I had a freaking disease. 

Second, I tried to screw my thumb to the house but luckily it didn't work. 

Third, I was trying to screw the trim onto the house and after realizing the screw I was using was too short I put my thumb (the same one I already hurt) against the screw so it wouldn't fall out. Problem? It was blazing hot and left a imprint on my thumb. This photo is a scanned image of my current thumb print. 

Fourth, when I was packing up the night before we left I picked up a pair of my pants and was rolling them up to pack and looked down and saw a scorpion crawling across my arm. I freaked out, flicked it off, and stomped on it. When it was on my arm it looked like it was six inches long. Reality? It was less then a inch. Thank goodness it didn't get a chance to sting me!

The end result of this whole situation? I would do it again in a heart beat. It was the most inspiring, awesome, overwhelming experiences I have ever been through in my entire 

life. It was truely life changing. 

Lessons Learned

The house is done. I'm done. I'm coming home tomorrow and I will write a lot more then.

It's Raining...It's Pouring...

Today we seemed to be on slow motion. It was pouring down rain and I was outside trying to install siding over the top of the drainage ditch for their pig pen. It was so hard. I loved every minute of it though. One more work day to go.

Prepare to be Impressed

Here are a couple more photos of the fun. I found these glasses at the market for like $3.50. They worked out perfect because no sun sneaks in. The one of me holding my thumb up with the drill is when I accidentely hit my finger and cut off a chunk of skin. It smarted pretty good. (Sorry David, I got some blood on your gloves.) And yes...it is totally normal to be completely impressed.

Side Note: I just turned on spell check and all of the words lit up. Haha! I forgot that blogspot automatically changes to Spanish when you connect to a wireless network down here.

Beyond My Wildest Dreams

I didn't have any expectations or so I thought. Nothing was as I thought it would be. It is absolutely STUNNING here. The base we are staying is beautiful and overlooks Chapala Lake. From my bed I have a lake view. Not at all what I expected.

Saturday was travel and getting settled in. Sunday was church and shopping in the town near by, Chapala. Today we started working on the kitchen. That was shocking. I will write more when I get back but here are a couple photos.

On my way!

How is it that I have less luggage for this 8 day trip to Mexico then I did for 3 days in Salt Lake? I guess no blow dryer, make up, or "going out" clothes can make a difference. Guadalajara here I come!

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis

What the frick is that? That's what I said! For a long time I have known there was something wrong with me. I will go into these bouts of extreme depression where I could sleep for days. I never seem to have enough energy. Only on rare occasions do I wake up rested. I have gone to countless doctors since I was 18 and have been checked for limes disease, mono, cancer, thyroid problems, etc... with the same answer coming back every time. "There is nothing wrong with you". I even had one doctor hinting that she thought I was bi-polar.   Christie, owner of Express MiE, introduced me to Dr. Bosch (www.iluminartherapy.com)  the beginning of this year and I started seeing her. She tweaked my diet, exercise, and a few other things. If you have been following this blog for a while you know she had me do the resting metabolic rate test a few months back and it came back that I burned like half as many calories in a 45 minute time period then a normal person my same build. So frustrating. Anywho, she had me get some blood work done and I found out the results on Wednesday afternoon. I have an underachieving Thyroid. Hmmm...my doctor checked it before why would it come back different? Well, most doctors just check your THS level. My THS level was normal so if that is all they are checking I would come back normal. Dr. Bosch had them do an entire Thyroid panel. I am not so good at this educated sounding stuff so I will try my best to explain. Your THS converts to T4 which converts to T3 which is what your body uses. If your THS isn't converting to the T4 properly or your T4 isn't converting to your T3 properly your test will come back normal but your thyroid isn't performing properly. Does that make sense?   So...here are my results.   THS level: Normal T4 level: 12 (the range is 10-250) T3 level: 2.3 (the range is 2.3-5.0)   As you can see I sit quite low on the scale which is bad. Dr. Bosch said I have hashimoto's thyroiditis which is an autoimmune disease.   In Hashimoto's disease, also known as chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis, your immune system attacks your thyroid gland. The resulting inflammation often leads to an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism).     It is weird that after all this time I have a diagnosis. It is so nice because I knew something wasn't right but doctor after doctor after doctor told me I was normal. Moral of the story: listen to your body.   Here is some information for you curious types: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hashimotos-disease/DS00567  http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/hashimoto-thyroiditis.cfm http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/hypothyroidism-cause

Funnest Night EVER! Possibly...

You looking for something super fun to do the night of Friday, September 4th? Yes? Well...you are in luck. I am teaching my first intro to pole class. It is from 8:30-10:00. The class capacity is 9 so...sign up ASAP or you will miss my debut which I am sure will bring lots of entertainment due to the fact that I will probably be so nervous I will want to throw up. Yeah!

Click here to register!

Spiritual Experience? I Say Yes...

Who would have thought that a pole class could be a spiritual experience? 

I had a rough day (mostly self inflicted of course) today. After a SUPER long day at work I had a lovely conversation with someone that very lovingly...how do you say it delicately...handed me my ass a silver platter? Hm...still rough but it fits the need. My little blog temper tantrum the other day did a lot of damage. I really hurt some people I never in a million years would want to hurt and now I have some fixing to do. A couple of them contacted me directly (which I really appreciated their honesty) and the rest I will pursue repentance tomorrow. I then wrote a list I have needed to write for 6 weeks (way longer actually but no need to split hairs). My reason list. For some reason writing it just for myself wasn't enough. I had to write to someone I really trusted and send it before the editing began. Wouldn't it be great if you could edit your life? Delete parts you regret? Change parts that you wish you did? But alas...you cannot so I wrote and sent the email without editing. I sure it looked horrible but I trust the gal to keep my reasons safe. I will probably go back and fix the grammar later but there will no need for editing because someone else knows. I can keep it honest. 

Anywho, I was feeling pretty emotionally spent by that point and I still had my pole class to go to. I thought about skipping it for a second (a very short second but a second none the less) but I dragged my butt out the door. Thank goodness I did. It was week 6 and do you know what that means? GRADUATION! Yeah! That also meant I got to choose a song to dance to. My pick? Scars by Papa Roach. Very fitting for my place in life right now. Everyone else had these really beautiful songs and then here comes Kathy's angry song. It felt so good dancing to it. Moving on, back to the spiritual experience. The warm up at the beginning of class is always great because that is the time that I center myself. A sort of checks and balances you could say. I think about all of the things I did or didn't do over the past week and let them go. Tonight the intention was something like "I am a good enough woman just as I am." I certainly didn't feel that way going in but then I remembered that I am human and humans make dumb mistakes sometimes. What a weight that was lifted off my shoulders that very second. I have really grown to love the group of girls in class with me and I am happy that they will all be attending the next session as well.

Oh! And for any of you shoe lovers out there you MUST get to Express MiE ASAP. They are having a HUGE sale on pole shoes (April, see photo below to explain my email from a couple weeks ago). These are my 2 newest additions. Only $21 each! If you know the real cost of these like I do then you know what a steal these are.  

A Little Lighter

Below is a picture from Utah to add some fun to my, of late, depressing blog. Pay special attention to the white line. Notice anything? No? Keep looking. See that bump? Yup..that one. It is a dead cat run over so many times it is flat. And yes...they painted over the top of it. I titled this photo, "Not My Job." 

Called to the Carpet

Every now and then it happens...I am wrong. I vented a bit the other day and it was unfair. I was really angry about some things that had happened with a couple people and projected it onto an entire group. I am so sorry. The actions of some do not equal the actions of all. Part of it is my fault because I haven't called people back. It sucks because this divorce is so much a part of my life and it is hard to not talk about it so instead I talk to no one. It feels unfair talking to the girls in my group because all of their spouses or they themselves are friends with my STB. It is also really hard to talk about all of the super crappy things that were done and said to me when they see the nice version. The version I didn't get very often. They have never and probably will never see that side so the doubt is already there. How do I know that? Because until my Dad saw it with his own eyes he didn't even believe me all the way. If my Dad, who knows me better then most, couldn't see it then how could anyone else? 

That being said, I still need an environment where I feel safe to share my feelings. If I ask him to not go to the original then I am the bad guy. If I stay then I am not honoring myself. I have a group that I am a part of 2 times a month that will work perfect. Who knows where the future will take me. 

My SIL is saving my life. I worked out with her tonight and after she made me write a list of everything I needed for this next week. Holy crap! I have so much less to get done. She is picking up all of the items I still need and sent me home with a bunch more she already had. All I will have to do is pack. How sweet it is! Thanks Emmy! 

Lots To Do and So Little Time

Ah! I didn't work out at all last week and my body is feeling it. I always do this to myself. I stop doing the things that make me feel better and I suffer because of it. Also, I have a to-do list a mile long and only 5 days to get it completed before I leave for Mexico. Here is a part of my list.

Get entire apartment cleaned
Pack
Pick up my t-shirts for the mission
Drop off more donation checks
Get money converted to pesos
Pick up a few last minute items like small shampoo containers, snack food, etc...
Go to Victoria Secrets and buy a couple more "lady items" (they having a mega sale so GO! Thanks for the advice Charlotte!)
Bathe dogs
Bathe tortoise
Clean fish tank
Get tire fixed (no, I haven't done it yet)
Buy groceries for my brother
Work out at the dance studio Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday
Ride bike Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday
Work out with Emmy Monday and Wednesday
Meet 2 different friends for drinks some day this week
Go out on Friday night with brother and SIL's sister
Stop drinking soda again since I have had a few in the last couple of days (dumb...I know)
Schedule appointment w/ Dr. Bosch
Meet with STB
Get phone fixed
Stop feeling sorry for myself (this one seems to be on my list a lot lately :/ )

See? Lots to do. I will probably have to skim a few items off the bottom to make sure I get on the plane Saturday morning but we will see. Maybe overnight I will become Wonder Woman? No? Crap. I better get to skimming then.

Saturday night I had a BLAST! My brother went with me to the Express MiE Sassy Soiree (the part at Suite 301 on Mill) It was perfect because I hate dancing with other people to club music and guys have a tendency to think that you want to be touched. Ugh. No thanks but when I went with my brother no body bothered me because he was dancing next to me and they couldn't figure him out. Perfect!

Tonight is the Pilat-MiEz class. I love it! A nice bike ride, a good butt kicking, and I will feel much better. I then get to follow it up with doing cardio with Emmy. Her gym at her apartment is pretty sweet. It has TVs in all of the machine. We just plug our headphones in and watch this dating in the dark show and talk on the commercials. Has anyone else seen that show? It is ridiculous! The girls are FAR MORE judgemental then the guys. I thought the guys would be worse but no...the ladies take the cake on that one. The greatest part of all is the girl who lives there that gets so PISSED when she walks in and sees us on the machine. She seems to think that she has dibs no matter what. It has kinda become a game to us. Anywho, lunch break over. Gotta get back to work.

Happy Day!

Unexpected

A funny thing happens when you decide to get divorced...all the people who you thought were your friends aren't really and the people that you were kinda friends with turn out to be your biggest supporters. It's strange. Even though you were the one that was lied to, screamed at, cussed out, and so forth you, because you decided you wanted a divorce, are the bad guy. You, because you want your own space, have to stop going to your small group because it is hard to talk about your hurt when your STB ex-husband it sitting across the room. You, have to pack up, move out, file for divorce, cry about all the things that were and all the things that never will be, and you have to do it alone because your best friend, your husband, didn't care enough to stop. And the kicker is that by default he gets everything. All the friends, the church, everything. I don't want to talk about the details of everything but he gets to look sad and abandoned so, like always, he is the victim. Like I didn't try hard enough. Like I did want it bad enough. Like I gave up. The reality is it came down to I want children some day and hopefully staying sober isn't enough. I lose though. I lose everything. 

I decided to find a new church today. I love the one I was at but in the back of everyone's minds they think I quit. I could try to explain myself but I don't want to talk poorly about him. I don't want to destroy him the way he did me. Therefore I have to move on so that I am in a place where I am allowed to talk about my hurt. The one I tried today had a great message but the people seemed unfriendly. Tiffany, which church do you go to again? I think I might try that one next. 

The greatest thing in the world has happened out of this though. My family has really saved me these last couple of weeks. Countless times I have ended up at my SIL's house just because she made me feel wanted and accepted. She didn't judge me. She didn't ask about "the divorce" unless I spoke first. She and my older brother saved me when I was sinking. My sister has also been a huge support. She has watched my dogs for me, picked me up from the airport on short notice, come over and just talked because I needed it. My other brothers have been wonderful too. The Utah trip was exactly what I needed and the time I have spent with all three of them since has been priceless. My parents have always been there for me. I know they don't agree with some of my choices but they are still my biggest fans. It is funny how losing everything I thought my life was about has made me realize how much I have left. My STB can't take them away from me. I get them...no matter what. 

Back to Real Life...

What a weekend! On Friday night I escaped to Salt Lake City. I could totally live in that kind of weather. I landed and the laughing began. I needed this so bad. I was laughing for almost the ENTIRE time. The grand finale was driving back to Phoenix with my brother. A quick stop in Vegas broke the drive up. Below are a few photos of the fun. The one of me with the really cute guy is my brother (and yes...he is single!). The one of my brother and I with a couple is my cousins who I stayed with. 

The problem with the trip was I ATE LIKE CRAP the entire time. And when I say ate like crap I mean I ATE LIKE CRAP. We ate out almost every night. I was literally in a food coma for most of the trip. I also didn't work out...not once. I feel like such a slacker. It doesn't help that I haven't scheduled any dance classes for this week. Why do I do this to myself? I know I feel better when I work out and eat right but no...I have to go and ignore both of those factors. Live and learn and maybe...just maybe...I will eventually start listening to my body. Example of poor food choice below.