Dear November #3

Dear November,

This month was one giant fail. That's okay because you have to fail sometimes to appreciate the successes. 

1. Track my food and workouts. I don't think I did this even once.

2. Move. I did this one! As I have started to unpack though I really noticed that packed a bunch of crap that I don't need or even want. It would have been better to purge better before moving. Late is better than never I guess.

3. Get internet set up at my new place. I am having a hell of a time getting this set up. How did that happen? It is the easiest thing on my list.

4. Work with Patrick. Done.

I guess 2 out of 4 isn't bad. Next month will be better. Oh, and for all you out there that have been asking about update photos I am waiting until the end of December to do them. November was kind of a bust month and I want to actually see progress so I am going to wait. Here is a picture of me and the love of my life to hold you over. 

Kathy

Probably Too Much Information...Oh Well

I heard a new song this week called Your Hands by JJ Heller. The lines that caught my attention were as follows:

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away

You would take my pain away

I have been stuck on them this ever since. I never planned on writing about this but several things have brought it to the front of my thoughts this week. After my miscarriage post I received a whole lot of feedback. Some negative but most of it was productive. I had turned off the comment option because I didn't write it so people would feel sorry for me. I wrote it so other women who are or have been through it would know they were not alone and what they are feeling has been felt by someone else.

I am writing about this now for the same reason. I blog about self worth all the time. It would be easy to pretend and say that my lack of self worth was due to my weight or how I was raised or how my marriage was but that would be a lie. A long time ago I made a choice. A choice that I wasn't worth it. I received the most wonderfully honest email this week from a woman I don't know that finally made me be straight with myself. Here is my reality. I was sexually assaulted when I was 20 by my best friends husband. After I got away I had 2 options. I could hide it and never talk about it again or I could confront it. I hid it for a long time.

I have since talked about it publically and even forgave the man at Tres Dias but not myself. I feel used. What kind of guy would want someone like me? The gal who emailed me wrote the most profound comment.

I am a victim to nobody else but me.

The anger I had, was not at him.

The anger and resentment was at me.

How could I let something like that happen to me? What did I do to provoke it? Why didn't I do more to prevent it? How did I not see it coming? The questions continued until I finally concluded that it was my fault. Because of the conclusion I came to about myself , as the gals email put it, "The anger I had was from BELIEVING THAT I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH and BELIEVING that I DIDN'T MATTER."

When I left in March I took back a piece of myself even though the main reason was for my future possible children some small part of me decided I was worth it. I deserve to be treated like a woman should be treated. Don't get me wrong, my ex-husband wasn't all bad. The sober him could be wonderful. That isn't the part of him that I divorced. I divorced the alcoholic. I hold no resentment towards him and wish him nothing but happiness...separate from me.

She ended her email with:

The sooner you surrender and let go of WHAT IS, the sooner you will be in line for what was intended for you.

I just need to get out of my own way! It is very difficult for me to take nice and when a man is nice I used shy away because once they found out the truth about me they would no longer want to be around me. Better to not risk it. What a warped sense of self. Yes, I was assaulted but that DOES NOT define me. I am worth it.

The Day After

Madness. Complete madness. Every year my Mom, FFT, MUM and I brave the people and head out shopping on Black Friday. Why you ask? Because the people watching is top notch. It's fascinating to see how people act as they Christmas shop. Some of them are just focused. Others are kind and considerate. Then there are the crazy's. You know the ones. They fight over gifts and push and shove. They go home with their spoils proud of what they acquired all while forgetting what this season is about. The kind and considerate ones are my favorite. That's how we shop.

Joann's Etc is my favorite part of the tradition every year. I have been doing that with my Mom since I was 15. I missed it when I moved away. We would always get there before it opened and stand and chatter while trying to not focus on how cold it is. We would get the people around us talking. No need for a whole group of people in close quarters to not have a conversation. I love that part. You meet so many different types of people. Sometimes they tell you what they are after and why. My favorite was one year a Grandma was buying material to make her Granddaughter a dress. That's how my Grandma was. I still miss her.

This year my buying was a little different. I am redoing my bathroom so I took advantage of the sales to do that. I found the most fantastic shower curtain. I had already bought one at another store and while shopping for a bathmat I spotted THE ONE from across the isle. It is like it was made for me. Needless to say, I bought it and am very pleased (though now I have to go return the other one). This afternoon I am also going to pick up my mattress. That will complete my bed minus the bedding. The sheets will be easy but the duvet cover is a whole different ball game. I will probably end up having to make one. Easy enough. Sew up the sides, leave the bottom open, and add buttons and button holes. Done. I will probably stick with the queen duvet until after the holidays. I want to find the perfect material. I have 2 different color schemes I am playing with. One is pinks and oranges. The other in different shades of green. I will probably end up doing both but the pinks will be first. Eventually I may get married again and I won't make my future hubby live in a pink room. Gotta take advantage while I can.

With Christmas around the corner I made a rule for myself. I can't unpack my Christmas stuff (and I have A LOT) until I unpack my house. That is motivation my friends. I love a cheery Christmas house. Wish me luck!

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving doesn't really feel like Thanksgiving. My younger sister and her husband are doing all the work so I just get to show up. I'm not use to that. I am use to being in the kitchen working on whatever it is that is being made. I'm gonna have to head to the snow for Christmas so at least Christmas feels like Christmas this year. Oh well. Next year my Mom is hosting it and I have already called dibs on making a few items.

Here is why I love Thanksgiving. It holds no expectations. It is literally just about spending time reflecting on all God has given me while enjoying the company of those I hold the most dear while eating delicious food. How much better can it get?

Getting Out Of My Comfort Zone

My other post today was too depressing for the day before Thanksgiving so I decided to write about shooting. Prepare to be impressed. I got the pictures and my arm looks fantastic! See below. You can tell this chick works out. Yeah for pole dancing!

I have gone trap (skeet) shooting before but that was NOTHING compared to this. On the drive out to the range I could feel my anxiety level rising. I thought I was going to throw up. All I could think about was what a huge mistake it was coming. This isn’t me. I don’t know anything about guns. I don’t know why I am doing this. Some of these people are kinda weird. Thank goodness Bob is here. He won’t let me die. Blah, blah, blah.

Everyone got all parked and people started unloading. Holy crap. Guns everywhere. Not the kind of guns I was used to seeing like normal rifles. These were the kind you see in movies that kill people. Oh. My. God. What did I get myself into?

As soon as Bob got all unpacked he grabbed us girls (his lovely fiancé, his sis, and I) to shoot the first of many guns. He gave us a little lesson and someone else went first. I can’t remember who because at that point one of the other guys shot their gun. It scared the hell out of me. It was SO loud. My heart jumped into my throat. I almost got in the car and stayed there for the rest of the day. No dice. Bob handed me the gun. I shot it a couple times. Okay. Not so bad. I kinda liked it.

I shot quite an assortment of guns. Here is the list the best I could remember:

357 Magnum

Glock

Semi-Automatic 22

M4
AK-47

308 (my fav)

A couple others that I don’t know what they were called

I shot a few more and started to get used to the loud sound. Side note, either the guns are heavy or I am kind of a pansy. Probably a bit of both. Anywho, I noticed that there are a group of people up on this hill. Curiosity got the best of me and I headed up. They were shooting long range. It looked really hard. One of the guys asked me if I want to give it a go. Sure. It was an assault rifle. I liked it. I had to lay down on the ground sniper style. Not gonna lie…it was very empowering. I shot it a few times and I was in love. I liked the challenge. He talked to me about my breathing and shooting at the right time and how I should place just my finger tip on the trigger so when I pull it I don’t pull the gun with it. I liked the preciseness required. I shot it a couple times but my arms started to get tired. I headed back down the hill.

I relaxed for a bit but soon one of the other guys offered to let me shoot long range again. It was a different gun (the 308!) so I said yes. This particular gun didn’t look as menacing. I think that was the main appeal. We got back to the hill and he started explaining about the scope in regards to the distance, weather, etc… (I can’t remember everything because I was on brain overload) He set the scope and boy was that hard to get use to. If you were to look at the total viewing area it was like the size of a silver dollar but I could only see through an area the size of a dime (I may be totally off). I remember thinking there is no freaking way I am going to be able to do this. The cheek rest was right handed. The scope was right handed. I am a lefty. Nothing good can come of this.

I laid down on the ground and got positioned to shoot. The cheek rest was set forward a bit so I rested my cheek behind it expecting the same kick I got from the AR. Um…no. When I fired it hit me in the jaw so hard I thought my eye was going to explode. Everyone erupted around me because I guess I hit really close but all I could focus on was the fact that my face hurt. Bad. I almost quit at that point but didn’t want to seem like a total girl so I shot it again. This time I stretched a bit to get my cheek on the rest. That shot was also close. Shot again. I hit it! I was excited but really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. How can you screw it up when all you have to do is aim and pull the trigger correctly? The guys were way more excited about it then I was. I took their word for it. I shot it one more time and again hit close. I stopped after that because all I could think about was my poor face. I have a bruise the size of a quarter. It is almost gone now but my face still hurts.

All in all it was a very pleasing experience.

My Thoughts Exactly

I follow this blog called Visionquester and the post she wrote yesterday struck me to the core. My favorite quote from the post was:

I have this one fear... this ONE fear remaining:

What if. What if... it isn't "good enough." What if I give EVERYTHING. ALL OF IT. RESERVING NOTHING.... and it just doesn't cut it.

My sentiments exactly. I gave up my feelings of not being good enough at Tres Dias weekend when it came to my religious choice and so much more but I didn't give it up when it came to myself...not all of it anyway. I am about to share my biggest fear of all for not being good enough. This one thing that no matter how much I do I can't change the outcome. I am afraid I can't have kids. I had a miscarriage in January. I bled for days. I cried for weeks. I eventually thanked God about it though because I would have been full term right in the middle of my divorce. I hate myself for it.

One of the side effects of Hoshimotos is that it is difficult to both get pregnant and if you do to carry it to term. Sometimes I think I want kids and sometimes I don't but either way I would like the choice.

I pretty sure my feelings of not being good enough were magnified by my husband now ex-husband. When I first started bleeding I called him at work and asked him to take me to the hospital. He told me I should call my Mom to see if she could. I wanted him to take me and I got told he would after he got off of work almost 3 hours later. I never went to the hospital. We never really talked about it again. He didn't comfort me when I cried and I cried a lot. I stopped doing anything for him. I didn't cook dinner. I didn't do laundry. I stopped really talking to him. Nothing. I sometimes think that our marriage died that day. Maybe. Maybe not. Whichever, it still weighs heavy on my heart. Writing this I realized I never forgave him for how he treated me or in this case didn't treat me.

I need to let it go.

So I Had To Pee Really Bad

I went camping this weekend in Golden Valley just outside Bullhead City. It was an absolute blast. I am pretty sure that God intended me to spend my weekends camping, shooting, and sitting by a campfire. I was so relaxed. I haven’t slept that good in months and it was 40 degrees at night. On Saturday we went shooting. Let’s just say this until I get the pictures of me shooting…I hit a 55 gallon drum with a 308 at 550 yards on my third try. Kathy has a new hobby.

Anyway, my work husband Bob (Bob is a guy I used to work with and we became really good friends so his fiancé nicknamed me his work wife. Then he was laid off so now he is my work ex-husband/life coach but really more like a brother.) has a sister, Denise who I carpooled with. I had to leave early Sunday morning to make it home for church so Denise and I were on the road by 4:45am. We stopped in Kingman for some refreshments (soda) and got on our way. For anyone who has made the trip from Phoenix to Vegas you know there is nothing between Kingman and Wickenberg. Problem? That soda raced right through me.

An hour and a half later I was starting to feel it pretty good. I should have just pulled over and gone on the side of the road but we were so close to Wickenberg. 12 miles out I was getting pretty desperate. You know when you have to pee so bad that every bump in the road hurts? Yeah…like that. 6 miles out. Good God. I’m gonna die. 2 miles out. I blew past a car going the other direction that quickly flipped around. Damn. The lights get turned on. Double damn. I see the gas station in the distance so I kept driving. I pulled into the gas station with the cops hot on my heels and quickly opened my door. The cop was already walking up to me and I blurted out, “can I go pee before we take care of this?”

The cop stopped short and said, “Excuse me?”

I replied, “I’m gonna piss my pants.”

His eyes got real big and he said, “Sure. Just get me your information.”

I quickly found my license but by this point I was shaking so bad I couldn’t concentrate. The officer took pity on me and said, “Go use the bathroom and we’ll take care of this when you finish.” I left my purse sitting wide open on my seat and took off sprinting across the parking lot which, of course, was completely filled with vehicles. A lovely audience. I burst through the doors and at first couldn’t find the bathroom but eventually did. That was the best pee of my life.

I sauntered back to the car and Denise had already found all of my information for the cop so I headed straight for him. As I approached he looked at me and said, “Feel better?”

Um…yeah.

He then asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I meekly replied, “75”. To which he responded, “Do you know what the speed limit is along this stretch?”

I answered, “To be honest officer, I was so concentrated on not pissing my pants that I have no idea.”

His lip flickered slightly before he finally laughed. He told me, “I have been doing this for 11 year and never heard this one before.”

I said, “Believe it baby because it is happening right now.”

I ended up getting a waste of finite resources ticket rather then the huge speeding ticket I could have gotten because I was going 20 miles over the limit. Phew! That is the best (well…only) $37, no point ticket I have ever gotten. Worth every red cent.

When I got back in the car Denise looked at me and said, “Oh. My. God. I can’t believe you said that.” Looking back…neither can I.

The Great Purge of 2009 Part III

I am still in the midst of the Great Purge of 2009 Part II but Part III is going to be a bit different. I am purging my schedule. It is no secret that I have been struggling lately. A lot. I have talked incessantly about packing my schedule too full. Doing too much. Expecting too much. Blah. Blah. Blah. It is time I either do something about it or stop talking about it. I am at the point of complaining and I don’t like being a complainer.

That being said, I had a very honest conversation with a friend last night. I asked her the following questions, “Can you be completely honest with me? We talk all the time and you know my story and struggles. What do you think I am doing wrong?” Her answer was essentially, “You do too much that means too little.” Ouch. She went on to say that my main focus this past year has been my physical health and in doing that my spiritual and emotional health has suffered. I have gotten little bouts of fulfillment through the mission trip and Tres Dias weekend but nothing has stuck. My tank pretty much sits on empty all the time.

Solution Time. Since I can’t seem to quit my church (I called it my Brokeback Mountain last night. “I can’t quit you!” Those of you who have seen the movie are probably laughing right now. Those of you who have not can feel free to ignore that reference. Anyway…) I have decided to jump in head first. I emailed the Worship Pastor to volunteer to do graphics more than just once a month, I will be “running” the small group sign up table every week and I am hopefully going to get a small group going for my part of town. It is hard always traveling to Scottsdale to participate in anything.

I am eliminating everything for the rest of the year except church, friend and family activities. And when I say everything I mean everything except my morning gym time. I need some physical activity. Once January 1 hits I will slowly start adding things back in like my pole class and any other activities I truly miss. I am going to focus more on relationships. Relationships with family. Relationships with friends. Relationships with self.

This has to work. It has to because if it doesn’t I don’t know what I am going to do.

Even Better Still

Remember how I said I wanted my new place to actually have a style? Well, my room is well on its way. I bought a bed…at least a bed frame! Late last night (10:30) I had a California king cherry wood sleigh bed delivered for the ripe ole’ price of $350. The bed is brand new, still in the box. Retail price? $1,000. Yeah baby! Now all I need is a mattress. Crap.

You may also remember that a couple days ago I wrote about some exciting news pertaining to my new place. Here is part of the exciting news…I’m going to have a roommate. I can’t say who yet but I am going to have a roomy. This is great because their schedule is pretty opposite from mine so it will be like we both live alone with the benefit of splitting the rent. It will also ease my mind when I go out of town because my new roomy is totally okay with my dog and tortoise so they will be well cared for in my absence. That makes me doubly happy.

I can’t believe how comfortable I feel in my new place. I have been slowly moving stuff from one place to the other and I think I just need to plunge in and move the big stuff so I can live in the new place and just finish out the old one. My new one makes me want to take things slow. To enjoy my days rather then rush them. I actually want to spend time there rather then doing as much as I can to get out. That is what I do now.

Speaking of that, I have really been thinking about my schedule lately. I do too much. I ask too much of myself. Does anyone else do that? I am my own worst enemy and I am good at it. Because I want to spend more time at my place I need to cut back on a lot of activities. I have been packing my schedule so full that I have no time for the things I really enjoy like dancing at the studio and sewing. Yes, I like to sew and I have a couple of projects I would like to do like re-upholster a chair. I also have a couple of pieces of furniture I want to refinish like this super great sewing table. Those will be more difficult due to a lack of garage but I will figure something out. I guess I need to move in fully before I can make too many plans about not making plans.

Much Better

Surprising end to the day. I feel good. My morning started with a funeral. I had a strange mix of emotions. I miss her like crazy but I feel at peace about the whole situation. I cried harder about the fact that my ex was there. That is the side of him that I miss. The sober him. The supportive him. He didn't know her super well but he came to support me. I didn't think I would but I miss him. I don't want to change my choice but I do miss him. He wasn't bad. When he drank is the problem. Anyway, he was there for me even when he didn't have to be. That meant a lot. The service was disappointing though. Not nearly enough people were there. She did so much for so many people. We were able to talk to the family at the end and I visited with 2 of her granddaughters that I knew. One of them pulled me into a big hug and we both immediately burst into tears. She whispered in my ear that Nadine was my grandma to. She was right.

After that I headed over to Express MiE to do hair and makeup for 2 of the girls getting Boudoir photos taken. Both of them are beautiful to begin with but it was fun to enhance what they have. I wish I would have taken pictures. Oh well. All that matters is that they liked how they looked and they did. I love that!

When I finished that I signed my lease on my new place and then went back to my old place. My Mom met me there and helped me do a bit of packing. I am so lucky to have such a great network of people around me. She left around 5 and another good friend of mine arrived about 45 minutes later. Between the 2 of us we completely moved and almost unpacked my entire kitchen. That is the most important room to me. I feel at peace in my new place. This is going to be good for me.

I feel good right now.

Confession Time

I am at rock bottom. What you may call depressed. I left work early yesterday and literally wandered around IKEA for 3 hours buying nothing. I then went home and did nothing. I taught a burlesque routine for a bachelorette party at Express MiE later that night. (Seriously…these are the best parties ever. They totally beat just going out.) After that I headed home to meet my Mom and FFT for some good ole’ fashioned packing. They were already at my house when I arrived and let’s just say…I burst into tears.

I am so overwhelmed right now. Does anyone else ever feel like that? I wanted to scream at God, “was it necessary to take Nadine right now? I have enough on my plate without that but you still took her.” It sounds pretty self-centered but that is what I am feeling. The last couple of months have been hard. I am just plain tired. After speaking to my accountability partner yesterday she sent me the most needed email. She took the liberty of inserting my name in the verses which made it all the more personal. The one that stood out to me the most was the following.

...My presence will go with KATHY, and I will give KATHY rest.  (Exodus 33:14)

That is what I need. Rest.

Thank goodness I have such a large, amazing, supportive group of family and friends. If I didn’t I’m not sure I would be doing this well. I use the word well loosely. Maybe now that I am moving and will be really starting fresh things will start looking up. I hope so.

My Heart Hurts

Every person is granted a few spectacular people in their lives. You know the kind of people. The ones that no matter how you came into their presence you leave feeling your best. The ones that know you...the real you. They know your likes. Your dislikes. Your hopes. Your dreams. Your every desire. They know it all. They believe you can do anything. They want you to succeed. They know you can succeed. They don't judge you when you fail. They don't judge you when you let your priorities get all messed up and don't visit enough. They don't point it out. They just love you. No strings attached...love you.

I have been lucky to have quite a few of them in my life so far. Some of them family. Some of them not. Tonight I found out I lost one of them. I cried. Hard. I still am actually. My heart hurts. It is so easy to go into the shoulda's, coulda's, woulda's but as MUM pointed out to me...it won't do any good. She is gone.  Nothing I can do to fix the past. I miss her already.

I met her when I was 10 but was "forced" to hang out with her when I was 12. What started as a 6 month church youth project sprouted into a friendship of over 16 years. I loved her like a Grandmother...maybe more or maybe different. She was amazing. She outlived 2 husbands, 2 children, and more health problems then any one person should bare. No matter what was going on with her she only wanted to make sure I was okay. Laying on a hospital bed or in her kitchen eating popcorn together...she only wanted me happy in life. Wow...I miss her so much.

She owned a dance studio in her early 20's and taught home economics for the rest of her working career. She helped me make a shirt for my Mom when I was like 15 or 16 that my Mom still wears sometimes. She helped whoever she could. She did whatever she could. She was one of my spectacular people.

Her funeral is Saturday. My Mom is going to take me. I'm not sure I will make it through. Life is precious. Don't take people for granted. You may think they are invincible. That nothing can stop them but it just isn't so. Everyone meets their end. Some sooner. Some later. But everyone meets their end. How does that cheesy quote go? Something like "it isn't what place you came in but how you played the game" or something like that. I want to play the game like she did. With heart. With soul. With devotion. With significance.

Comfort Food

We all have one…that one food that just makes us happy. Right, wrong, or indifferent it just does. Mine is Macaroni and Cheese. The good ole’ fashioned, powdered cheese, box kind. I know what some of you may be thinking (except you FFT). Gross, right? No way. Best. Stuff. Ever. It can make any day better. That is why I don’t buy it. I don’t stock it. I don’t think about it. I try to avoid that aisle at the store. Why? Because it would be so easy to give in day after day until I am at or above the weight I started this whole journey at. Especially after everything I have been through the last couple of months. Well, last night I caved and let me just tell you. No regrets. A nice glass of wine (seemed fitting to have wine with crappy macaroni and cheese), some glorious macaroni and cheese, a movie, and in bed, asleep by 9:00pm. Who could ask for more? Will I cave and buy it again anytime soon? No. It is not healthy. Is it bad to do it every now and then? I don’t think so. Do I feel any guilt? Nope.

Eating unhealthy things every now and then is not bad. Everyone does it or at least I think they should. A piece of cake for a birthday, pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving or popcorn at the theater every now and then is not bad. The problem people run into is using any excuse for a treat. I worked out extra hard today so I DESERVE that brownie. I have eaten great all week so I DESERVE that ice cream. It is New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King Day, Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, St Patrick’s Day, April Fool’s Day, Easter, Earth Day, Arbor Day, Cinco De Mayo, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Flag Day, Father’s Day, 4^th of July, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and I DESERVE to completely pig out. We can quickly DESERVE all of our progress away. Losing weight is a simple equation of using more calories then we consume. Simple math. If we keep DESERVING things we will DESERVE the weight that keeps hanging on, never seems to go away or the extra that joins rest. I used to think that I DESERVED a lot. Well, a lot is what I got. A lot of misery. A lot of feeling bad about myself. A lot of new clothes to buy because I was too big for the ones I had. A lot of heartache. A lot of self loathing. A lot of embarrassment of what I had become. A lot to dig myself out of.

The “a lots” do go the other way though. Now I feel a lot for a different reason. A lot of pride in what I have accomplished. A lot of new clothes because the others are too big. A lot of newly found self esteem. A lot of smiles. A lot of good. I feel good. I like myself. I like what I see. I like who I am becoming and not just because of my weight. I am slowly becoming a person I am proud of. Losing weight started this whole journey but it has quickly become about who I am not what I weigh.

On another note, after my little written temper tantrum yesterday I spoke to Dr. Bosch of Iluminar Therapy and she had me adjust my medication levels. We are going to see how I feel at the end of the week. Dr. Bosch did explain my bodies pattern to me in a way I never thought about. My body performs when it is under a lot of stress. I seem to get what I need to get done when I need to get it done but when the stress is over my body senses that and thinks, “now must be a good time to crash”. So I do. I crash and I crash hard. I crash and it takes me sometimes weeks to get up again. Then I go, go, go, go, go, until I crash again. I think it is time to retrain my body. Cut my schedule back like I have been talking about for months and months and maybe my body will learn that it is okay to just be. Hm…

Anyone want to come help me pack? I get my new place this weekend and I have packed 2…count them…1…2…boxes. I am so used to being stressed that I create an environment where I am stressed no matter what. I have 15 days to move from one apartment to another and knowing me I will wait to the last minute to get it done. Procrastination. Ugh. I am so good at it. Maybe I need to look into my reasons for doing it. My little inside princess is making me. Yeah. I’ll blame her.

Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired

I have always struggled with feeling rested. Always. I can sleep for large amounts of time and wake up completely unrefreshed. I can sleep for the perfect period of time and wake up unrefreshed. I can sleep for short period of time and wake up unrefreshed. I am pretty much always tired. I am tired of feeling tired. I slept most of the weekend away. I didn’t accomplish much at all. In fact, I was out of bed for approximately 6 hours on Saturday. The rest of the time I spent in bed. Asleep. I met with Patrick again last night (once again it was fantastic!) and he made a comment that I had never really thought about before. He said that it must suck going into work and working a full day when I feel like this. Yes. Yes, it does.

On another note, I changed my mind about something. I have been wanting to make my own lunch and bring to bring to work everyday but that just hasn’t been happening so I relented last night…I bought a couple different Lean Cuisines. I haven’t been really eating much at all and I need to change that. We’ll see how this goes. The flavors I picked look super yummy so it might be a fix for right now.

Tonight I have a full night of packing ahead. I need to get a move on because before I know it will be Saturday and I will be moving into my new place. Yike! I am beyond excited. There is an extra special twist happening but I can’t quite announce it yet. It will be fun though. At least I think it will be fun. I am also thinking about changing the direction of the colors of my room and going with more of a rainbow effect and doing black, white and yellow in the bathroom. We’ll see.

Another Reason I Love Express MiE

Express MiE never ceases to amaze me. I had a kinda rough week last week. No particular reason just blah. Well, Friday night rolled around and I had my level 4 gradation. I went to class and wouldn’t you know it…the girls in my class threw me a little party in celebration of my new freedom. When I started at the studio it was because I wanted to get in better shape and without even trying these women have become my friends. I really look forward to my time with them each and every week.

Dear November #2

Dear November,

I need to practice what I preach. I wrote a little about this the other day and now I really need to embrace it. People often ask me what I did to lose all this weight and I tell them what I started doing and what I am now doing. It is completely different. I am a lot more successful the last couple of months (but not the last month) because I scaled everything back and started setting more manageable goals. The problem is when I tell people this they don’t really want to believe it is that easy. I spoke to Patrick a bit about this last night and he summed it up perfectly with this comment. “The truth isn’t sexy.” People WANT to believe that they have to kill themselves in order to get results but the reality is your body wants to be taken care of not starved, ripped to shreds, and left for dead. That is just what I did in the beginning of this journey. Patrick called it being an exercise anorexic. I had never heard that term before but it fits. I worked myself to death and for some reason I am starting to do it again. I set too many goals for you, poor November, and I need to scale back. In other words, practice what I preach. Here are the new adjusted goals.

1. Track my food and workouts. This one is extremely important because of what that information can do for me in the future (I totally stole that line from Patrick). Patrick gave me a lot of advice about what that journal should have and I am going to put it into practice. I have looked at tons of exercise journals in the past and they never have what I want (nor do they have the things that Patrick suggested) so I am going to put my graphics degree to use. I am going to design my own page, print a bunch of copies, and bind it myself. My goal is to have a first draft complete by my next appointment with Patrick so I can get his opinion. It won’t be anything spectacular but it will definitely be functional.

2. Move. I don’t really have a choice on this one. It is going to happen whether I want it to or not. I was originally going to sign everything on the 15^th but I think I will do the 14^th so I get good use of that Saturday and I will be out of town the following weekend. I changed to a different apartment in the same complex and I am EXTREMELY happy with it. I now have a really fantastic view from my bedroom window and a second bedroom for only a little bit more money a month (but still less then I am spending right now). Yeah!

3. Get internet set up at my new place. This one is SUPER easy. In fact, it will be ordered by end of day today. Mission accomplished.

4. Work with Patrick. Again, easy. He is awesome and I already feel better. I met with him last night and seriously…he is awesome. He had me start on the massage table so we (read: he) could do some soft tissue work. I made a joke about that fact that I would probably fall asleep and with an evil laugh he said, “no, you won’t”. He was right. I was wrong. Owe. Owe good but owe none the less. He then took me through a series of exercises like the first time. Again, nothing particularly hard except that it was super hard. I know that doesn’t make sense but the best way to explain it is…I don’t know. He doesn’t pile on the weights or make me run really far or make me do a bunch of reps or any of those things. He just won’t let me cheat. I have to do it right. Every time. That’s hard because I have been cheating for so long that my body isn’t used to feeling right so it feels extra hard. Does that make sense? If not, I don’t know how else to explain it so sorry. Anyway, he made me do chin ups. I felt like I was in 3^rd grade gym class again. Standing out on the hill of the playground overlooking the street in front of the school surrounded by all my classmates taking turns doing chin ups one at a time. My anxiety level went through the roof. I just kept saying to myself over and over and over and over. “You can’t do it. You can’t do it. You can’t do it.” I did 3 sets of 5 with the help of this rubber band thing (and sometimes Patrick) and every time I approached it I thought, “you can’t do it.” And every time I did it and got down to do my next exercise I thought, “you can’t do it” even though I just did. I think I hit a trigger of some sort that I need to address. Anyway, the night ended with me laying on the floor feeling like I was going to throw up with Patrick standing over the top of me lecturing me about working within my limits. Dumb conditioning bike and not having enough to eat before I went. I am the queen of setting myself up for failure.

I hope those 4 goals feel more manageable. I certainly feel better.

Lots ‘o’ love,

Kathy

P.S. Here is a super cute photo of my dog, Maddie. She makes me happy.

Little Reminders

So tonight it did that thing where I triple book myself. I'm getting really good at that lately. Anyway, I was supposed to meet with Patrick , take my web class and attend the limited release Hillsong United movie, We're All In This Together (which I forgot about until late yesterday). The Hillsong movie won out for a couple of reasons.

1. I agreed to do it almost 2 months ago.
2. The ticket was already bought.
3. I was meeting someone.

Thank goodness I went. If you have been reading my blog then you know that lately quite a few of my posts have been boohoo-ish. For example, today. This movie put everything back in perspective for me. It was put together by Hillsong and i-heart.org . Basically it called us, read: me, out for being self centered. Everything is about what is going on in my life. My happiness. What I want. What I like. What I don't like. Where I want to go. I. I. I. But what do I do for others? What do we do for others?

I feel like we are conditioned to ignore what is going on around us. Advertising is all focused around our wants and desires. What would make us happy. What would bring us joy. What would make our lives easier. What would make us look better. What would happen if we started looking outside of ourselves? What if everyone did just 1 nice thing for someone every week or even everyday? Maybe pay for their coffee. Maybe bring that homeless man you see on the corner ever day a hot meal. Maybe help your  neighbor move when no one else is there. Maybe clean out your closet and donate all of your unused clothes to a shelter. Maybe clean up trash at the local park. Why don't we do stuff like that? Or maybe everyone else does stuff like this and I don't. I guess that would make me the odd man out. I don't think that is the case though.  Maybe there is so much need everywhere you look that you can't help everyone so why even try. That hits home for me.

It is so easy to fool myself into thinking I do enough. I did my mission trip, the breast cancer walk, volunteer for the Special Olympics, donate money to a local charity, pay tithing to my church, adopt a family at Christmas with my family and another with my work, do graphics one Sunday (or less) a month at my church and monetarily support others in their efforts. All of that is fine and well but what difference do I REALLY make. I know I have talked about this before but I need to get involved with something on a deeper level. I want something separate from my church. I need to get out of my head. I need to make a difference. When I die I want to have lead a life of signifigance rather then a life of success.

Anyone have a great Phoenix organization to recommend or maybe I should get more involved with Susan G. Komen since stopping breast cancer is one of my passions? Thoughts?

Sometimes

I'm pissy today. No real reason. Just a combination of crap with my new apartment. Crap with my current apartment. Crap with my job. Just a bunch of crap I don't want to deal with. Ugh.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

A Little Bit Random

Last night I had my first *official* appointment with Patrick and Oy! I felt like a total pansy. First he had me do a bunch of stretching, foam rolling, etc… and I thought my body was going to revolt. I never move like that for a reason. It hurts. Then he took me through a couple exercise sets. None of the stuff was particularly hard, just different. That’s a lie…he made me do some conditioning on this bike like thing and that was hard, hard in a good way but hard none the less. I’m excited to see how my body works at the end of the month.

Official Call Out – Mom and MUM
You both need to contact Patrick. Here is the link to his contact information. Just saying…

Totally Awkward Tuesdays – There are a couple of blogs that I used to follow that would post an awkward or embarrassing story that happened to them either recently or in the past. Well...I had one happen today that I think it TAT worthy. Again, I forgot my pants when I went to the gym this morning. (Obviously I need to change my system because that should not be happening.) Anyway, once again, I stopped at Walmart and bought some new pants (same style as the others but in black. Yeah!) and a really cute brown skirt. Since I had bronze shoes and a brown shirt I decided that the skirt would be the best bet. Anywho, I got dressed, went about my day, and all of the sudden I realized that the zipper in the back of the skirt it completely open. Not unzipped but completely broken and OPEN. Oh God. When did that happen? I had toured people around the office. Did my normal tasks. How long was it like that? Thank goodness I had the other pants. My outfit may not match but I certainly am covered. Good times…

I’m not sure what I thought I was going to feel today but whatever it was didn’t happen. I don’t feel a huge relief. I don’t feel any sadness or emptiness that some people said I would probably experience. I don’t really have a feeling about it at all. I do feel optimistic about the future. I am getting a new place that will be all mine. I am continuing to work on my health. I am finally going to get my freelance going. Blah. Blah. Blah. All good things. I feel good.

Dear November

Dear November,

You are the month of new beginnings. I am officially divorced. D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D. I will write more on that later but let's just say it was a crazy experience. I also changed my name, rented a new apartment, met with Patrick and bought a new phone. Big day. Big changes. Here are my goals for this month.

1. Stop drinking soda. Again. Again. Again. My excuses are over. I am going to take it one day at a time and every day that I go soda free I get to put a sticker on a calendar. Sounds fun, huh?

2. Track my food and workouts. I have a little notebook that will fit perfectly in my purse (my divorce purse. Photo below). This one is a no brainer because it take NO time at all to stop and write down what I eat and do. The problem is the stopping to write things down. Again, I am going to try the sticker theory.

3. Move. I get my new place November 15th and I have until December 2nd to move.  How sweet is that?! I decided that I am, for once, going to have an official style to my place. My kitchen has got a great style but the rest of the house is just a hodge podge. My kitchen is in autumn colors and I want to carry that into my living room. My bedroom on the other hand, I want it in black, white, and yellow. I have yet to decide what colors the bathroom is going to be. It is going to be so awesome! It is going to take me a while to get it the way I want it but that is the direction I am heading.

4. Get internet set up at my new place. I have decided that I am going to start a private blog for my quiet time. I like write about what I read but writing in a journal isn't that appealing to me. I can type faster. This is the best of both worlds. Having internet will also help with my freelance design work.

5. Work with Patrick. I am working with Patrick 2 times a week for the next month. My first appointment was tonight and Oy! I felt like a giant pansy. Kinda crazy what doing things right feels like.

EDIT - 6. Get up when my alarm goes off. I am the queen of the snooze button and I end up getting out of the house later then I want because of it.

EDIT - 7. Pack my stuff the night before. This makes me a lot more successful. It takes no time at all.

I am feeling quite optimistic about this month.

Hugs,

Kathy

P.S. I get to use my divorce purse now!

Dear October #3

Dear October,

I failed miserably. I promise it wasn't you. It was me. I have quite a bit I need to change in November. I need to go back to my roots of smaller goals. Too much too fast and BAM! Nothing gets done.

1. Have quiet time every day. I didn't get this one done at all. Maybe a couple days here or there. I need to think on this one a bit to see what I can do to make myself successful.

2. Find a church close to my house. I tried a new one last week and love the worship and sermon but the people SUCKED. No one was excited to be there.

3. Run 3 times a week. No go.

4. Stop drinking soda. Again. Again. I gave up on this one. I noticed that is was a stress thing. Whenever I feel stress I want soda. With so much going on personally (aka: the big D) I decided to wait on that one. I will try it again in next month.

5. Make it to the gym every morning (Mon-Fri). I did REALLY great for most of the month but peetered out in the end. I believe it is a combo of all of the stress I am feeling and the new medication I am on. I need to contact Dr. Bosch and make an appointment to see her again. I am not sleeping well and totally crashed today. I slept until 4:00pm today.

6. Finish The Great Purge of 2009 Part II. I didn't finish this either. I am moving next month so that will force me to complete it.

7. Start making my own lunch. I didn't even touch this one.

Better luck next month. I am starting my November goals on the second. It will make more sense then.

Kathy


P.S. Here is my super rad Halloween costume.