Dear December #3

Dear December,

Ha! I worked you down to just one goal and we still didn't get it accomplished. There was a lot of purging that happened so I am not upset. I have all weekend to finish it up. The great thing, my friend, is that you represent the end of the year. Tomorrow brings a new beginning and fresh start for all the things that are to be. It is also sad because the means we are getting closer to the return of the blazing heat. Oh well...

Happy New Year!

Kathy

Wanna See My Wedding Dress?

I had one of the best wedding dresses on the planet. I got carried away talking to Bob's girl about their wedding plans and like a dumby I asked her if she wanted to see it. It was probably the hopeless romantic in me ignited by the fact that we had just watched the Sex and the City movie that ended with the epic wedding of Carrie and Mr. Big.

See? Beautiful huh? What you don't see is I am wearing tennis shoes under there. Ha! It was awesome! Anywho, after we looked at my wedding pics I proceeded to take her on a photographical journey of my life since my digital camera. Damn. That wasn't greatest idea I ever came up with. There were a lot from the first year or so of my marriage. It made me sad looking at them. Again it was the "I miss what it was supposed to be not what it really was" sadness but still boo.

It was interesting timing because Bob and I talked had about my past relationships earlier. He was less then impressed with my track record. I got the big brother talk...you know the one...the "quit picking crappy guys that treat you bad" talk. Thanks Bob. I'll get right on that.

He's right though. I deserve someone that wants to be with me even if it means quitting drinking or doing something that they don't necessarily want to do just because it would mean a lot to me. Like in the case of my second relationship, it was taking me dancing. He knew how and was really good but he just didn't want to. I use to beg him to take me dancing. In the 3 1/2 years we were together he took me dancing 4 times. It made me feel like I didn't matter. He should taken me. Instead I started going dancing with girlfriends. I also stopped couples dancing all together because I didn't feel right dancing with another man. To this day I find it hard to dance with someone because I got so use to being by myself. That isn't right.

After thinking about Bob's and my conversation all day and getting confronted with my past through pictures tonight I think it finally hit me. I finally, finally, finally got it. I really do deserve someone that treats me like I am as great as I am because, dang it, I am good catch. I am! I am funny, smart, sassy, have an education, good job, I can cook, I like to camp, hike, bike, snow shoe, rollerblade, backpack, dance, laugh, shoot guns and bows, anything outdoors really, I have a great family, friends, dog, tortoise, I believe in guys nights, I can't stand watching sports but I will cook for the game and leave the guys be, I am not high maintenance, I hate real jewelry because I am afraid I would lose it, I am not one of those girls that can't leave the house without makeup, I can dish it out and I can take it, I'm honest almost to a fault, I like photography, museums, playing cards, I can pole dance, wall dance, floor dance, lap dance, I don't believe in Valentine's Day, I don't need love notes or like PDA, I love to travel, try new things, I am willing to admit when I am wrong and apologize when appropriate. Any guy should feel lucky to have me. Huh. I could totally get use to this having self esteem thing.

You know what? 2009 was a wild ride but I am beyond ready for 2010. Is it January 1 yet? No? Shoot.

Viva Las Vegas

My old memories of Vegas are quickly evaporating. Bob and his lady are the best hosts a girl could ask for. After my arrival on Monday Bob and I drove out to Goodsprings to visit this old "famous" bar. Let's just say it was beyond tragic. We headed back to Vegas and bummed around until it was time for me to meet his girl. We hit the strip that night. We had a lovely dinner, wandered the forum shops at Caesar's Palace, and enjoyed a nice cocktail overlooking the Bellagio water show. Such a good night. Here are some pictures of day 1.

Tuesday started early because I am use to getting up at a little before 5:00 am Arizona time which is 4:00 Vegas time. I was up and going by 5:30 Vegas. Ugh. I can't even sleep well on vacation. Anyway, we got on the road pretty quick and were at Hoover Dam early. We strolled the length of the dam and Bob took some touristy photos of me. We were going to do the whole 2 hour tour but I decided that:

A. I don't like standing in line
B. I don't like crowds
C. 2 hours of my life is a long time for having to put up with both A and B

Bob was in agreement so we just went through the visitors center. It was fascinating! I spent over an hour reading every single one of the information signs. The amount of work that went into building the dam was unbelievable! Here are some facts about the dam that I found extra interesting. I stole most of the wording from a website.

1. Hoover Dam is 726 ft. tall. That is 171 ft. taller than the Washington Monument in Washington D.C. and twice as tall as the Luxor Casino (338 ft.) in Las Vegas, Nevada.

2. There is enough concrete in Hoover Dam (4 1/2 million cubic yards) to build a 2 lane road from Seattle, Washington to Miami, Florida or a 4 ft. wide sidewalk around the Earth at the Equator.

3. Hoover Dam is shaped like a huge curved axe head, 45 ft. wide at the top and 660 ft (as wide as two footballs fields measured end-to-end) thick at the bottom.

4. Between 1931 and 1936 when the dam was built, 96 men were killed in industrial accidents. Many of the deaths were attributed to pneumonia instead of what they really were so that Six Companies, Inc. would not be liable for the deaths therefore they wouldn't have to pay a thing to the families of the deceased. Against popular belief none of the people were buried in the concrete of the dam.

5. If they would have poured the dam as one whole structure rather than interlocking blocks it would have taken 125 years for the cement to cure.

And my favorite fact of all: 6. Did you know that 4 diversion tunnels were dug so that the Hoover Dam could be built? A combined length of over 16,000 ft (more then 3 miles) of tunnels at a diameter of 56 ft with 3 ft of concrete lining it to bring the tunnel diameter to 50 ft. It took them 19 months to build them which was almost 2 years ahead of schedule.

Isn't that amazing?! I have driven over the dam loads of times but I never appreciated it for what it was. The amount of effort that went into building it is...I can't even describe it. Anywho, the point of all this is if you ever get the chance I highly recommend that you take some time to go through the visitors center so you can fully appreciate it for what it is.

After the dam tour we went and saw the flick Avatar in 3D. Go see it! It was so good. Long but good. We met Bob's girl and her cousin and Margaritaville for dinner afterward. It was quite the Vegas experience. Us girls topped off the whole day with a wild night of knitting. Bob's girl is such a good teacher. She made me cast on by myself and everything. I have officially started my first scarf. It is going to be a blue/gray color, super wide and over the top! Here are pics from day 2.

This trip is exactly what I needed.

Share Is Caring

My most popular blog post so far is the story of when I got pulled over for speeding because I had to pee so bad . I got the following email the other night and let's just say...well...I'll let you read it yourself. This story is being posted with permission but their name will be kept anonymous for well...you know...

Hey Kathy.

Very entertaining story -- I found it as I was curious as to whether anyone shared an experience that was like my most embarrassing experience of all time. 

I was on an interstate highway in Pennsylvania, starting out right after breakfast. I had drunk a few cups of coffee to wake myself up, as I had spent the night at a motel after a friend's wedding, which was why I was a few hundred miles away from home in the first place. After an hour, I had to pee really badly, but there was no sigh of any exit or rest stop. It was like I was in the middle of friggin' nowhere, but on hiuge interstate on which I couldn't just pull over and pee on the side of the road. 

This went on for probably at least another hour, with me getting more and more desperate to pee the whole time. The only way I managed not to pee my pants in the car was that I had cruise control, so I could really squirm around and do the pee-pee dance in my seat. 

Finally, there was a rest stop. Unfortunately, the parking lot was crowded, and I had to park far away from the building. I guess that's what happens when there had been no other rest stops in god-knows-how-long. I got out of the car and I was practically losing it - like you were right before the cop let you go and relieve yourself. I so desperately wanted to pee right there in the parking lot, but there were a lot of people around and I was afraid I might get arrested.

I made my way to the building, and I'm sure it was apparent to everyone that I was totally desperate to pee. I wnet through the lobby, and kind of stopped to scope around for where the restrooms were. At that point, I just couldn't hold it in any more, and at the age of 25, I began to pee in my pants. People started looking, and laughing, and I could feel my face turn red. By the time I could stop it, my pants were really wet. 

Even though I still really had to pee, I did not go into the restroom. I was way too embarrassed -- I just had to get out of there. I went back to my car, and before I got in, I'm ashamed to say, I let myself finish peeing in my pants. It's just that I still had to pee so bad, and I didn't know what else to do. I took my dirty laundry out of my travel bag, and put it on the car seat before I sat down.

I have never ever been so embarassed -- I had not peed in my pants since I was a little little kid.

By the way, did you manage to get to the bathroom in time without leaking any pee into your pants? I'm glad the cop was nice enough to let you go before getting all yoru info.

Take care.

Anonymous

To answer their question: no, I did not leak not even a little. I was close and if I hadn't of found the bathroom when I did I'm sure I would have. Good times...

A Chocolate Pudding Meltdown

Have you ever had one of those years that just seems to be the gift that keeps on giving that you never wanted in the first place? Welcome to my 2009. I was getting some last minute things finished up and came home to find that I had accidently forgotten to lock my dogs kennel before I left. Do you know what that means? That means that she does all of the things that she is not allowed to do like...go in the kitchen. Go in the kitchen and proceed to go through all of the cabinets, take everything within reach out, and spread 9...COUNT THEM 9...boxes of chocolate pudding all over the house. Not just the boxes but breaking the boxes open and spreading the contents. All over the freaking house. She also went through the trash and ate whatever happened to be in there. That means her tummy isn't going to be feeling awesome tomorrow when someone else is watching her. Now if this had happened this morning or yesterday or even Christmas Day I would have been okay maybe even laughed but nope. She did it tonight after I had everything done before my trip. Like some giant SCREW YOU for leaving.

What did I do instead of laugh? I broke down and cried. I cried giant crocodile tears. I'm tired. I'm tired and I can't just leave it for tomorrow. I should be cleaning it up right now but I can't bare to look at it. See? I told you she hates it when I leave. I guess it is a good thing the second part of my trip wasn't meant to be. I know my tears were about more then just my dog but it most certainly didn't help.

I should probably confess that I cried Christmas Day too. I cried for a long time. I was at MUM's place and my Dad was sitting on one couch and I was on the other. I got up, laid down with my head in his lap and cried. Like a 5 year old. The good thing about my Dad is I didn't have to say a word. He just knew like he always does. He didn't make me talk. He just stroked my hair. It was like scene out of a movie except that I am 28 not 5.

My tears were a combination of my first Christmas single again, seeing my ex-husband while working the Christmas Eve service and that I had seen the movie Nine that afternoon. Besides the fact that it is a terrible movie (except the costumes and dancing. Fergie's dance was IN-CRED-IBLE) it is about a married couples struggle. The struggle was different than mine but the wife said something that hit me. Hard. She said that her husband was like an appetite. That if he were to stop being greedy he would die and that she had nothing left to give. How have I been separated since March, divorced for almost 2 months and I still feel like I have nothing left to give? I want to but I got nothing.

I also hated getting the reminder that I lost 2 people instead of one. I got the extra face slap in the face of my ex-stepson calling me Kathy for the first time since the divorce. I was Mom for 3 years and what gift does my ex give me for Christmas? That. That as the reminder that I lost 2 while he essentially gave up one. Why do I say gave up? Because I wasn't enough to make him change. Maybe that is another reason I struggle with my self worth. I always came second and I wasn't enough to make him want to stop. The bottle always won. Thank you so much for that reminder. Merry freaking Christmas.

That speaks to my heart once again that I want different next time. I have thought about dating but as I have already stated I am not ready. That doesn't mean I am not starting a list of what do want. Here is the first thing on that list. I will not come second. I want someone that will do just as much for me as I will for them. I'm not sure what that looks like but hopefully I will be able to spot it when it happens. *fingers crossed*

Enough boohoo-ing for one evening. I have some cleaning to do. Luckily writing about it made me feel better so my dog is out of the dog house so to speak. I'll leave you with my favorite scene from Nine. I totally want to learn this dance. Eh...Hannah? Maybe for the Burlesque class? Penolope Cruz also had a really great dance routine so I also posted part of that. The dancing is seriously the only thing that saved this movie as far as I am concerned.

My Maybe Resolutions...

Now that Christmas is over it is time to focus on my New Years resolutions. I prefer to put a bit of time into deciding so I actually have a plan of action to complete them. I think I am going to keep it to 3 major ones and, in the style of this blog, some minor ones along the way. Here is what I have worked it down to so far.

1. Get to a place physically by mid-summer to wear this.

Isn't it beautiful?! I love Victoria's Secret! I'm only about 10-12 pounds off of being where I need to be comfortable in it. That means I need to find a place to wear it. Maybe a small vacation when I meet my goal? I still have a couple days to decide. Oh! I am so excited to get to wear that bad boy.

2. Read 1 big kid book a month. I think I am going to start with a book on Pearl Harbor. My pastor told a story that happened during it in church a couple weeks ago and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I'm not sure how it is going to go because I really struggle with man's inhumanity towards man but that doesn't change the fact that things happen.

3. This one I can't decide on. There are a couple options below.

3a. Bob keeps telling me I need to start dating and maybe he is right. Here is the problem with this possible resolution, I don't date to date. I never have. Does that make sense? My first boyfriend was when I was 18 and he was a bit older than me. Twice my age in fact. I'll let you do that math on that one. We dated for 2 years. My second boyfriend and I dated for 3 1/2 years. I dated another person for 6 months before I met and married my husband. He and I were together for 3 1/2 years total. I don't like the idea of dating. I get asked out and no comes out of my mouth before I think about it. It's like a reflex. The thing is I really hate the first part of dating someone. The unknown. I would rather skip to the comfortable part. The part like what my older sister was making fun of herself about last night. How boring her and her husband have gotten. He bought her a vacuum cleaner and she bought him a medicine cabinet for Christmas. She said boring. I say incredible. I love that part. I love the grocery shopping together, the folding laundry, cooking dinner, etc... All the common things. This one is going to be extra difficult because I won't date people I work with, go to church with, go to my same gym, live in my apartment complex, meet in a bar or anywhere that I go on a regular basis. The other problem I don't want to live here long term so I will just be wasting my time. Crap...I don't know. I think I just talked myself out of choosing this one.

3b. One small camping trip every month even if I have to go by myself with one larger trip every quarter.  The larger trip will be things like backpacking the Grand Canyon again, finally visiting Bryce Canyon, going to Yellowstone, and maybe Mount Rushmore. This one is sounding more and more appealing. I have wanted to visit Bryce Canyon since I was 18 (almost 11 years). When I worked for the Dude Ranch there was a guest I became close with from France that was doing a huge cross country trip. They started in New York and were ending in Seattle. They showed me photos from Bryce Canyon and I still remember how breath taking it was. This will also get me outdoors. That is the part I miss the most about this city. You have to drive so far to get out of town. That is what I miss about living in Idaho and Washington. I walked outside and I was automatically outdoors. I watched the movie The Proposal (SUPER FUNNY!) today and most of the movie is placed in a small town in Alaska. I love the idea of everyone knowing everyone. A true feeling of community. Wow...I totally just got off track...

3c. Make a quilt. I woke up this morning really missing my Grandmother. Actually I woke up wanting to talk to her and had already reached for my phone before I remembered she was dead. Wow...that was depressing. Anyway, she was an avid quilter. I would love to make a california king quilt for my bed. I would make it all the colors of the rainbow. Colorful like she was.

Crap. I am really leaning towards 3b but 3c is looking pretty good as well. Uh...good thing I have a couple days decide. I think that 3a is completely out. In fact, I know it is. It was out by the time I finished typing it. Also, side note, if/when I find someone that I would like to date I won't talk about them here. I write about everything else but that is all mine.

As far as minor goals go they will include things like knitting a scarf, getting my concealed weapon permit and finally actually quitting drinking soda. I know. I know. I have already done it like 4 times but maybe the 5th time will be a charm? Maybe?

The Spirit of Christmas

I have no tree. No decorations. My roommate is out of town. My life situation is completely different than it has been for the last 3 years. There is no real visible sign of what most people think of Christmas as in my house. Here's the kicker, I didn't think it would but it does...it feels like Christmas. When I was a kid my folks made sure us kids really understood the TRUE meaning of Christmas. We had some wonderful traditions that if I ever get the chance to have a family I will continue.

1. You can't wake anyone else up. I remember the year my older brother was 17 or something like that and he could sleep for a long time. One Christmas morning he did just that. We weren't allowed to wake him. We had to sit and wait and wait and wait and wait until my Mom finally woke him up. We later found out he was faking the whole time and was listening to the rest of us whisper about ways we could "accidently" wake him up.

2. We couldn't go into the living room until my parents had prepped it. They would go in before us, turn on the lights and music and make sure everything was ready. After the prep was complete they would line us up oldest to youngest or youngest to oldest and we would walk into the room. That is when the fun began because up until this point we had no idea which gifts were whose. Don't get me wrong there were presents under the tree for a while before Christmas but no names were on them. One year, for example, my folks did a different kind of wrapping paper for each one of us. Until Christmas morning we had no idea which one was ours. When we walked into the living room that morning there was a wrapping paper swatch next to each one of our stockings.

3. The gift opening happened one gift at a time. None of this free for all stuff. We would start with one of the kids choosing a gift, any gift, and handing it to who it belonged to. It was fun because thinking back we rarely picked one of our own gifts to unwrap. This was also the time when we would find out who had picked our name for a present that year. This tradition allowed several things. You got to watch people open every single gift. We knew what people got. We got to see their excitement. We were able to express our appreciation. I liked that part a lot.

4. If you complained about anything you got you lost EVERYTHING. I don't remember it ever actually happening but it may have. I just remember knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that my folks would follow through. One year, I *think* I was like 12 or 13 and all of the presents had been unwrapped. There was nothing left under the tree, on the tree, or near the tree and I had considerably less than the rest of the kids. I remember my Dad saying "okay, that's it". I was so sad but there was NO way I was going to say a word about it. What happened after that was something like this.

One of my folks said to me, "Kathy, do you feel like you have less than the rest of the kids?"

"Nope, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yup."

That is when they told me that I was getting modeling lessons. You see my Mom had never been one for makeup and the likes due to allergies so she made sure we were trained in the event that we wanted to. That's right. This girl also knows how to walk/strut a runway. Not the point of the story but a fun fact none the less. The point of the story? Christmas for us wasn't about trees or presents or lights or decorations or anything like that. Christmas was about the celebrations of what Christmas really is. Christ's birth, family and food. Cowboy cake to be exact.

On a somewhat related note...

My work adopted a family of 5 last year. Between all of the staff we pulled together about $500 worth of stuff. Full wardrobes for the kids and parents, cleaning supplies, personal hygiene items, food, toys, etc... When we dropped the gifts off it was literally just like we were delivery a package. We were in and out in less than 5 minutes. They even had a pre-made thank you card for us that included the following line, "P.S. I hope you gave me a basketball." I was pretty turned off by that attitude but didn't give it too much thought beyond going with another organization this year.

Well...on Tuesday I got phone call. The person kept saying the same thing over and over and over in Spanish. I had no idea what they were saying. I asked questions to try to help them but they just kept repeating the same thing. They suddenly stopped and were silent for 20 or so seconds so I hung up. They called right back and finally spoke to me in English. It was one of the kids from the family last year. After he introduced himself as the oldest child from last years family the conversation went something like this:

Him: "We were wondering when you were going to drop our gifts off?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Him: "When are you bringing us our gifts?"
Me: "Uh...we aren't. We went with different organization this year."
Him: "So we aren't getting any gifts?"
Me: "Oh...um...uh...no...not from us."
Him: "Oh."
Me: "......"
Him: *click*

I slowly hung up the phone and sat there for a minute trying to digest what had just happened. That's when I got it. I finally understood what people were talking about. The true meaning of Christmas has been lost to so many people. It has become about trees, Santa, presents, lights, etc...the gimmes. That makes me sad.

I Should Be Sleeping

It's 4:00 in the morning and I am wide awake. Ugh. I am so sick of not being able to sleep but I was also sick of laying in bed hoping that it would change so I got up.

Dear Sleep,

I miss you tons.

Love, Kathy

So the other night I got my suitcase out and Maddie, once again, turned a cold shoulder to me. She walked in her kennel and wouldn't look at me. She is such a little princess but she loves her Momma and doesn't like it when I leave so I guess I should be grateful she isn't happy that I am leaving right? Anyway, I got a packing list yesterday. I was told sloppy clothes, range clothes, nice clothes in case we go out on the town, and exploring clothes. I am assuming range clothes means we are going to the shooting range but I may be wrong. The exploring clothes are for when we go to this town near by that looks so fun. My trip was cut shorter than I thought it was going to be. It was one of those I thought I knew how it was going to go based on God knows what but it didn't turn out like that at all so I ended up getting my feelings hurt based on an expectation I created and *may* (read: did) overreact in response to my hurt feelings and then felt bad that I did kind of situations. It was my own fault. It honestly is not how I thought it was going to go though. I guess I kinda thought they would react the same way I would have with an of course. They didn't. Hm. Anyway...

Coming back earlier than expected puts me in town for some stuff at Express MiE that I was bummed about missing. They are doing an event to create vision boards. I think that is just what I need to get the year started off right. 2009 has been long and crappy and good and all of the other descriptive words in the dictionary. I think I am ready for both a new year and a new decade. 2010 brings several exciting things. One of my brothers is getting married. I'm turning 29. I think that it is abnormal to be excited about that but I am. It probably has to do with the fact that I am tired of people taking me seriously until they find out how old I am and I then somehow lose points. Totally backwards but whatever. I am also looking forward to another mission trip in March and going to Women of Faith in Vegas in April. See? 2010 is going to bring me a lot of good. Well...at least 4 good things.

I have started thinking about New Years resolutions as well. Some people don't believe in them. I do as long as the goals are manageable and there aren't too many of them. Last year one of mine was getting in better shape. I say mission accomplished. My 2010 goal will be to get in even better shape. I also am going to make a goal to read 1 big kid book every month. None of this chick lit stuff. We are talking the historical kind. Wish me luck with that one. That is so not what I prefer to read but I feel like it is something that I am missing. Does that make sense? Anywho, I am starting ramble and it is getting close to when I need to leave.

Dynamics of Friendship

I have great friends. I mean really great friends. I was able to get a dog sitter (thanks Tiffany for the idea. I put it in my hat for possible future use) worked out but now had a new concern of whether or not my car would make it. Best scenario: I make it to and from without a problem. Worst scenario: I get stranded somewhere in between with no cell service. Solution: I'm flying. It actually worked out to not that much more than driving plus I get to save a little bit of time. I called Bob last night to see if that would work for him and he made my night.

Bob keeps joking about me needing a reservation for my stay. I started the call by asking him something along the lines of "does the resort (his house) I am staying at offers airport runs". He responded with hold please, pretended to put me on hold and sang a little song as hold music. I couldn't stop laughing. This trip is exactly what I need. He is planning the whole thing. I gave him a couple of ideas of what I may want to do but other than that I am just going. Plus his pretty lady is going to teach me how to knit! I'm super excited about that! I love big fluffy scarves and tried to teach myself once. Let's just say, it was a hot mess and I couldn't figure it out. She is so good at it. I am bribing her with wine. A woman after my own heart. I still have to get one detail worked out for the latter part of my trip but other then that I am all set. I'm looking forward to a stress free week of fun.

The conversation last night also really made me miss Bob. Last Friday I had a bad day. I still struggle with my self worth (ugh). The reality is, I still don't think I am worth it. I have a laundry list of things that I think are wrong with me from my Hoshimoto's to my divorce. I talked with him for quite a bit and he got me all choked up. He went through a list of why he thinks I am a great catch. I scoffed at most of them and cried at the rest. What a gift he has been in my life. I really was meant to have 4 brothers. Anyway, it got me thinking about all of the unique friendships I have. I felt like writing about how some of them got started and it's my blog...so I am.

Bob aka. Work Husband aka. Ex-Work Husband/Life Coach
We met while working for the same company. I am not much for work friendships but he turned out to be an exception. He was hired and immediately transferred to Vegas where he stayed for a year. When that job came to an end he moved back and I called him into my office to complete some paperwork. He thought I was laying him off. I still remember how relieved he was that I didn't. With him back in the Phoenix office, we started out as lunch buddies but soon turned into real friends. He got me through many a rough day during my divorce. My company has laid a lot of people off (over 50) and I knew about pretty much all of them. They didn't tell me when they decided to lay him off. In fact, I was told about the same time he was. He is the only employee I cried about.

BP in KC
I also met BP through work (okay...2 exceptions). He works in another office and we struck up a friendship right after I filed for divorce. I emailed to ask what they needed to change my name and he wrote me a really nice email offering his condolences. He had just gone through a divorce himself. He knew exactly what I felt like. It started with me asking him questions about how he got through his divorce to now I give him girl advice. He is super fun because he is so easy to embarrass. I often do it on accident. For example, he called me one day asking for a good cheaper wine and I spouted off Menage et Trois. There was dead silence on the other end of the line. I thought the call had dropped. When he finally spoke I could hear the flush in his cheeks in his voice. He thought I was razzing him. Needless to say, he is the friend that bought the wine that I was complaining about having to pick up that turned out to be a gift for me. Guess what one of them was? Yup. Manage et Trois.

My Mentors

I met them at a really low point in my life. I was in college. I partied 6 days a week until 3 or 4 in the morning. I had a pretty bad relationship with my family. I did what I wanted when I wanted with little thought about tomorrow. At the time I worked for Sweet Tomatoes (greatest college job ever) and I noticed that this couple came in every week. One day I saw them walk in so I reserved them a table. They tipped well and were fun to talk to. Week after week they came in. They were so nice. They asked about me. They noticed when I wasn't feeling quite right. One day, a year or so later, they invited me to church. I loved it and continued to go. I still see them on a regular basis and think of them as my second set of parents. They have helped me through so much. I am looking forward to Wednesday because I am going to a eve of Christmas Eve service with them. It works out perfect because I am working my Churches service on the 24th so I get to also attend one.

Anyway, that is just a few examples of the people that fill my life. I am so lucky.

Special note for my Mom: Happy 33rd Wedding Anniversary! I love you and Dad! 

This and That

I totally just felt like I was 15. My poor car died on the side of the freeway yesterday so my Mom dropped me off at work. My Dad thinks it is the fuel pump. I have no freaking clue. Whatever. I want to be really mad about but it isn't going to do any good. Hopefully it will be fixed by the end of the day. *fingers crossed*

Due to my car being broken I had to forgo the gym this morning. Very disappointing for both me and my body. My body was so upset about it that it woke me up when I should have been getting up anyway. 4:40am. I decided to honor that and got up. I putted around the house, uploaded some photos on FB, and caught up on email. I got so into what I was working on that I forgot I had to get ready for work. Needless to say, I have yesterdays hair and barely any makeup on. Good thing there are only 4 people, including me, in the office today. Actually I wouldn't care either way.

Last night my family celebrated our Christmas. My folks are really awesome about allowing us kids (there are 6 of us) to have our own traditions so there are no expectations of us being anywhere on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. If we choose to get together that is our own prerogative. Anyway, last night was a very relaxing evening of hanging out, making homemade pizza, and opening the gifts that we got for each other. Another really cool tradition our family has is we don't buy gifts for everyone. We buy for only one sibling and their family. When we were kids we use to draw names but that got too difficult so now we rotate. We even have a $40 limit that everyone is really great about respecting. I like that a lot of time is spent on deciding what that one person would really like rather than having to get a little something bought for everyone. The best part of the whole evening is everyone just spending time together. No pressure. No stress. No to-do lists. Just time.

For fun here is a video I took last night of my months of hard work with FFT's son, my nephew. I taught him knuckles and how to blow it up. There is a bit (read: lot) of me laughing because he was so eager to get the blow it up part. He cracks me up.



Oh! Due to some outside peer pressure I finally got my bed completely set up (last week). Here is a picture of it. It is a bit dark because I took it this morning but you get the gist.

Bah! Humbug!

That's right. I said it. I said, "Bah! Humbug!" I never thought I would say this but I am so ready for Christmas to be over. Seriously. I love Christmas but it is different this year. I just want it to pass. I went and did the Santa Baby lap dance workshop yesterday (which by the way was so fun but extremely painful because I was SUPER sore from working out the day before. I mean SUUUUPER sore.) at Express MiE and left with the very vivid thought that I have no one to do it for. Ugh. A great reminder of how pissed I am to be stuck starting over. Damn this divorce. There is no way I would change my decision but I am still allowed to be mad about it. I liked being married. I miss what it should have been. I'm not close to being ready to be there again but still...ugh.

To add insult to injury I did a bit more unpacking last night and this time it was my books. I found, count 'em...8 marriage books...that's right 8. Un-freaking-believable. I wanted it to work so bad that I resorted to that crap. Don't get me wrong I wasn't perfect. I have changed a lot since we split because when I was married I had really high expectations (thanks to my perfectionism), I use to take my work home with me, and God know what else but I still wanted it to work. I threw them all away....the books that is. It shouldn't have been that hard. Simple really. Above all else, husband love your wife and wife respect your husband. Period.

I feel like I am at a huge crossroad and I want another path. I have really sat back at looked at all of the things I use to and still worry about, all of the things that other people worry about and all of the things that just don't matter. At all. Most of the stuff that I worry about was just plain crap. Useless crap. I want different. The past month I have spent a lot of time reflecting on when I was happiest. I have eluded to it before but the reality is I am not a fan of the city. I use to live in a really small town (population 500 or so) almost an hour outside of the "city" (population 23,000) and loved it. My dog came to work with me, I went hiking daily, my job was a 2 minute walk, and I didn't schedule myself to the hilt. I decided what I wanted to do when I got home. Plain and simple. I want that back. Things are a little bit different now because I have my health to consider but it can be worked around. I just need to find a place that has a doctor close enough that is familiar with Hoshimoto's. I keep coming back to Coeur d'Alene because I lived there before but I'm not sure. I have a year or so (until my lease it up) to really look, research, and figure out what is best for me. Someplace warmer like New Mexico or even Texas might good places to look. No interest in California unless it is Northern around the Red Woods. Who knows. I have a year. 

I Swear to...

Honestly. I did it again. Last night I grabbed my showering flip flops and placed them NEXT to my gym bag. Why you ask? Because I was too lazy to put them IN my bag. I figured I would grab them in the morning on my way out. The punishment for my laziness? They are sitting exactly where I left them. At home. Somehow I don't think my socks are quite cutting it. Ah well. What can you do? Oh and I was right. My soreness is through the roof. I love it but man...I am sore.

Last night was a very exciting night for my Mom and MUM. They both graduated from college! Isn't that awesome?! Not only that but due to their last names being the same they were able to sit next to each other. They both looked so cute in their maroon gowns. I am so proud of them! My Mom has been working on her degree for years and never gave up. Her stamina is astounding. MUM put her degree on hold to support my brother through Pharmacy school. Now that he is done she was able to go back and finish her degree. She did it while having 2 kids under the age of 4 in the house. Both of them are truly an inspiration to me. Love you girls!

Also, sad news. I may not be able to go to Vegas for New Years. My roommate will be out of town and I need a dog/tortoise sitter. Boo! It better work out. I was planning on making a stop on my way back from Vegas too. I was really looking forward to both. Maybe it is for the best but still...BOO!

Like Coming Home

The little things in life make the biggest difference. All I had to do was walk in the door of the gym and I could feel the stress just melting off me. That, my friends, is something I have to do every day. I will probably be a sore mess tomorrow but whatever. So worth it! I still need to come up with a workout/food tracking sheet that I referenced a month or so ago. That will help me figure out what I am doing when I feel good and bad so I can do more of what makes me feel good and less of what makes me feel bad. Smart, huh? Patrick recommended it.

Not only do I feel better physically but mentally I am like a new person. In the past 6 weeks it has been a rare occasion that I have done both my hair AND my makeup. Usually it is one of the other and more often than not it has been my makeup that got shoved to the side. I just wasn't into it. I didn't feel like doing it. I don't wear a lot anyway but still. There were some days I didn't even put mascara on. That is a big deal because my eyelashes are my most favorite part of my body. Weird? I know. Today I am done from top to bottom. I did forget my flip flops to shower in at the gym (EW!) so not gonna lie...I wore my socks. I'm not sure it actually did anything but it made me not worry about it AS much. I feel so put together today. I also stopped by the store on my way to work and bought stuff for my lunches and snacks. I have been going without a lot because I didn't feel like eating or I got whatever from the lunch gal that comes around. This working out business is a must for me.

A little off topic but noteworthy none the less, sometimes I catch glimpses of myself and am completely caught off guard. For example, I wore a sweater into the gym this morning and wore it around until I got my heart pumping a little bit. Once it started to get warm I took it off and couldn't believe the reflection in the mirror. That's me?! I had the same thing happen this past weekend. I was in this cute little antique shop in Oatman and I caught a look at myself in this vanity (fitting) mirror and I about fell over. I still see the fatter version of me. I have a little more weight to lose but DAMN! I like the direction it is going.

So That Didn't Work

JJ Heller is my favorite singer. I have never really had a favorite like this before. They have all been fleeting one song wonder kinds. She's different. She speaks to me. I am not happy. At all. I am frustrated with my job, my personal life, my family life, my everything. As I was driving home from MUM's place tonight this song came on.

Back Home - JJ Heller

I burst into tears. I have had a rough couple of days. A rough couple of weeks actually. My experiment isn't working. I am more depressed this month than I was last the couple combined. I think one of the main contributing factors is my lack of physical activity. I am putting it back in starting tomorrow. I will be at the gym by 5:15am. I also miss Express MiE. That place was more then a work out. Those girls are something special. No strings, no judgement attached friends. I am ready for January to start so I can get back in my pole class. There are also a couple of other things I am looking forward to that I still can't talk about but just know they will be awesome.

Let's see how adding the gym back in changes things. Can't be any worse then it is right now...

Wait...Next Week?

Did you know that next Friday is Christmas? Un-freaking-believable. This year it totally snuck up on me. I haven’t really done any of my shopping. There is no way the cards are getting out. No decorations have been put up and none will be. This year is so much different than the last couple of years. I am okay with that. I do want to do a bit of cooking. That makes it at least smell like Christmas. My younger brother has been trying to get me to go to Salt Lake with him for Christmas since I am comfortable driving in the snow but I don’t think I am going to do it. I don’t want to spend Christmas away from Miss Maddie. She is my family and the celebration wouldn’t be proper without her. I think I am going to just pack Maddie up and head to the snow a little closer then Salt Lake. I’m not sure where is going to have snow next week but I better figure it out quick so I can book a hotel room. Prescott maybe?

New Year’s is a different story. I at least know where I am going. VEGAS!  I am going to visit Bob and his lovely lady. It will also be nice to create some different memories there. The last time I was in Vegas I was getting married. I don’t want that to be my memory anymore. Anyway, I chatted with Bob for a bit today about what we were going to do and life in general. I miss that guy. It has gotten me thinking. I am looking to possibly get out of this town next year but I am concerned with how much I am going to miss my family. Bob is like a brother and I hate that we can’t hang out whenever we want like we use to. He only lives like 5 hours from here. I am looking at jobs in Idaho and Colorado. I might have to rethink where I am looking. *sigh*

How to Feel Like an Ass

I was in full pitty party mode today. Just some crap with my car and work and my apartment. Nothing really bad just annoying. As I was in full sulk mode, one of my buddies from Kansas City called me. We chatted for a bit and he told me he had ordered some wine from the Bevmo here that he wanted but he needed me to go pick up to ship to him. Okay...fine...except he ordered it from the Northwest Valley. A good 45 minutes drive from my place. I was like REALLY?!

We chatted a bit more and finally he said, "Kathy, what is wrong with you?" I went into my boohoo explanation and followed it up with a little joke about now having to drive to the NW Valley for some wine and you know what he said? He said, "I guess now would be a good time to tell you. I ordered the wine for you for your Christmas gift but I didn't realize how far it was. I hope you like what I selected." AWESOME. I was both speechless and felt like a complete ass at the same time. Not only did he order it but he had to call the store and get it worked out with the manager to be able to pay for it without me having to show the card it was paid for with when I picked it up. Good one, Kathy...good one. Sometimes I don't deserve my friends. This would be one of those times.

Monday Already? Ugh.

Sometimes I think I am more interesting in writing then I am live. Is that weird? I had the most fantastic weekend but I didn’t feel like I was very good company. Kinda like my body was so excited to just be that it shut down. I might be wrong but I was kinda just there. I felt bad about it. Anyway, it was such a nice weekend. I didn’t have to plan anything. I didn’t have to do anything. There were no expectations for me. I got the best sleep I have gotten since the last time I was there. I didn’t get to see snow but that was a moot point. The rest of the weekend made up for it.

I got there a little later then I hoped on Friday due to having to stop by Target to buy socks because I forgot to pack any. Seriously. I didn’t pack any socks whatsoever. Who does that?! Anyway, as I was getting ready to leave the store guess who walked past me? If you guessed my ex-husband you would be correct. Here is the thing. I felt NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Not a twinge of emotion. I don’t know why but I keep feeling like I should feel something but I don’t. I can look at pictures and not be bothered. It seems so heartless but my Mom said something to me a couple days ago that probably explains it. She said I completely finished that chapter in my life. I didn’t try to rush to the next while not facing the one I was in so it makes sense that I feel nothing. I already felt everything I should feel. Hmm. I’ll go with that.

Then as I was on my way out of town some jack off rear ended me. That’s right. He rear ended me. Not only that but he hit me hard enough that I bumped the gal in front of me. Damn. We all pulled to the side of the road and I sat in my car for a second completely deflated. This kind of crap always happens to me. Always. The guy who hit me eventually came up to my window so I got out to assess the damage. Nothing. Absolutely nothing to be seen. Heck yes! I recommended that we just exchange information and be on our way. That is what we did. I did file a report in case the gal in front of me wants to get dumb and start demanding stuff. My insurance agency assured me that they would pass her off to the guy who hit me since I was at a complete stop and he pushed me into her. Phew. Another 30 minutes carved out of my weekend but I can’t complain too bad. It could have been completely ruined. I was there by 6:30 and doing nothing but hanging out by 7:00.

On Saturday went for a ride on the rhino which looks like a golf cart on steroids. It was a blast! We went almost 50 miles but ultimately had to turn back because I was FREEZING! Part of my dumb Hoshimoto’s is a complete intolerance for cold. It pisses me off. When I get cold I get really cold and it takes hours for me to warm up. Anyway, we went all over the place. I got to see an old deserted town and an old radio tower thing. The views were beautiful! I have never been one for desert landscaping but I think it is more that I have never been one for city desert landscaping. Like a dumby I didn’t take any pictures. Actually I didn’t take any pictures the whole weekend because I am use to using my phone but that was ditched in my purse from the moment I got there. Oh well. I have some great memories.

The next day was my favorite. We took part of old route 66 to this town called Oatman. First of all, I had no idea about any of the history of route 66. Fascinating stuff. Second of all, that was the cutest town EVER. There are wild donkeys that wander the streets looking to be fed. Little shops full on knick knacks. The people were so friendly. I need to start visiting places like that more often.

All in all this was a much needed weekend. It sucked having to come back to Phoenix. I like being out in a more secluded area. Phoenix just doesn’t do it for me. Some day I will get my life together and get out of here but until then…here I be.                              

Ready to be Jealous?

You should be! I leave for a weekend of absolutely no responsibility in about 6 hours. That's right. 6 hours. Okay...almost no responsibility. I am going to be cooking a little but that is a welcomed responsibility and if I really didn't want to do it then I wouldn't have to so really it isn't a responsibility but more of a desire. Woah. Too much thought for 8 in the morning. Seriously though I packed enough stuff to clothe a small army. There is going to be snow and maybe rain but maybe a little sunshine and maybe we are going to go shooting and maybe we are going to do nothing and maybe I don't know what. So that means I need to be prepared for anything. And I am prepared for anything. A tornado could hit and I would be prepared. My poor dog though. It makes me sad having to leave her. She kept staring at my packed bags last night like I wasn't coming back. It broke my heart.

So...my brother started moving in last night. Here's something I didn't think through all the way: I am going to have to make sure I am always dressed. Damn. I wear just my bra and sweats all the time or a towel after I get out of the shower. It would be awkward if my brother walked in on that. That's what living by yourself for 8 months will do.

Side Note: I have just come to the realization that one of my biggest pet peeves on the planet is when music artists take a song like say a Christmas song and put their own spin on it. I bought a new Christmas CD and after listening to it I want to throw it in the trash. Who wants to listen to Christmas songs you can't sing along to? Seriously. Who? So dumb. Here's an example.

What Child Is This - Shirley C...

An Open Letter to Boots

Dear Boots,

I love you. No seriously. I love you. I love the way you look. I love the way you sound. I love all of your different colors. I love everything about you except...except the fact that I have fat calves and can't fit in most of you. Even when I was my anorexic self at 130 pounds I still couldn't fit you. It isn't my fault that fat calves run in my family. (On my Dad's side.) It makes me sad. I have a night out planned this weekend and I want to wear black boots. But noooooooooooooo I can't fit any of you unless I want the weird elastic top kind which I don't. I want these.

Beautiful aren't they? I know. They are the Intrigues by Carlos by Carlos Santana (weird name by the way). I can't have them though. You know why? Because of my fat calves. You make different shoe sizes. Why can't you make different calf sizes? Don't laugh. I am being dead serious.

Anyway, let me know when you stop discriminating against us fat calved girls.

Thanks,

Kathy

So Busted

So...yesterdays post was not what I had originally planned on writing. In fact, I had almost 2 paragraphs written on another topic before I ultimately decided that I probably didn't have this problem so I deleted everything and wrote something else. Then...I was shopping with my Mom last night and do you know what she said to me? She said "hey, I read your post today and it really all comes down to your perfectionism." Damn. That is exactly what I had written about before I deleted it. Well, there is it is ladies and gentlemen. I am a perfectionist. What exactly does that mean? Read below.

Perfectionism is: 

* the irrational belief that you and/or your environment must be perfect

* the striving to be the best, to reach the ideal and to never make a mistake

* an all pervasive attitude that whatever you attempt in life must be done letter perfect with no deviation, mistakes, slip-ups or inconsistencies

* a habit developed from youth that keeps you constantly alert to the imperfections, failings, and weakness in yourself and others

* a level of consciousness that keeps you ever vigilant to any deviations from the norm, the guidelines or the way things are "supposed to be"

* the underlying motive present in the fear of failure and fear of rejection, i.e., if I am not perfect I will fail and/or I will be rejected by others

* a reason why you may be fearful of success, i.e., if I achieve my goal, will I be able to continue, maintain that level of achievement

* a rigid, moralistic outlook that does not allow for humanism or imperfection

* an inhibiting factor that keeps you from making a commitment to change habitual, unproductive behavior out of fear of not making the change "good enough"

* the belief that no matter what you attempt it is never "good enough" to meet your own or others' expectations

No wonder I am tired all the time. Look at that list! I thought a lot about it last night trying to figure out how I got to be like this. I don't think it was my parents. Yes, they had high expectations but certainly not unrealistic. The only other thing I could come up with was the religion I was raised in but I left that 10 years ago. Whatever the reason I am how I am and I don't want to be like that anymore. How to change? I have no idea. I think I have taken the first step. Finally admitting it. From here? Who knows. 

If You Always Do What You've Always Done

On Sunday I had lunch with my mentors/very good friends and we talked about how I am feeling right now. We talked about my frustrations, discontentment and more. What a lot of everything came down to was, again, my schedule. Not just my schedule though. The fact that above all else my schedule has become my priority. I cut out a lot of things last month but I still keep managing to fill my schedule. Somehow it filled up more than before. I can't do it anymore. I'm serious this time. I can't.

This coming weekend I had a schedule full of should's. I cancelled them all. Every. Single. One of them. Some of them have been planned for months. See? I over plan everything. I had my next year completely laid out of how I wanted it to go. What I would do when, etc... I have been nicknamed the Queen of Planning. This weekend though? It's all mine. It was a spontaneous decision and I don't regret it. It is freaking me out because it involves something that I hadn't planned on doing for the next year. I talked to my work husband about it last night. I explained how I was happy but paniced because the timing is off, blah, blah, blah and he said just go with the flow and stop worrying. Huh? Has he met me? Oh well...I have to start letting my over planning go at some point and this point seems right. The added bonus is I get to see snow. That makes me happy times two.

Dear December #2

Dear December,

I know it is quite early to be changing things but that is just what I am going to do. I am taking you down to just one goal this month. Unpack. That's it. And when I say unpack I mean everything I don't REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want is going bye bye. That includes my late Grandmother's china hutch. I know that may sound heartless but I realized that the only reason I was keeping it was because it was hers. I don't love it for me. The fact of the matter is, I have tons of boxes of stuff from her. The only items that actually remind me of her is her punch serving bowl and her handmade Christmas decorations. Everything else is well...stuff. I am putting it out to my family before it just goes away. Anything they don't want is gone.

Some close friends of mine made me an offer I couldn't refuse tonight. They offered to help me go through stuff and they even brought me dinner. There is now a HUGE pile of stuff to go away. My Mom, FFT and MUM will be here on Thursday to take anything they want. It is such a nice feeling having the stuff ready to go. I am even getting rid of the big chair I was going to re-upholster. I won't be getting to it done anytime soon and the amount of money I was going to spend on material was astronomical. I would rather buy the exact chair I want. Why has it taken me so long to do this?

I hope this works for you.

Kathy

Blah.

I feel blah tonight. Completely and utterly blah. I didn't do church this morning. I didn't do anything today except lunch with some really good friends and my nieces birthday party. I even left the party early. It is nights like this that I wish I could sleep. I would go to sleep right now.

Pillow Fights to Pole Dancing

It's kind of a cliche that pillow fights happen at teenage sleepovers. Everyone makes jokes about just a bunch of girls in underwear but what isn't talked about is what happens at adult sleepovers. Last night a whole group of ladies from the dance studio met for what I hope is the first of many sleepovers. I was a little late due to another event so when I got there the party was in full swing. Game playing. Eating. Drinking wine. What more could a gal ask for? I had my overnight bag with me so I started to unpack to get out of my dress clothes. 2 bottle of wine - CHECK. Comfy bra - CHECK. Sweat Pants - CHECK. Shirt - Uh....where's my shirt? Who packed this bag?! Here's what I did bring.

2 bottles of wine
Laptop
Sweat Pants
Comfy Bra
Pillow
Sleeping Bag
1 Winter Snow Glove

Here's what I didn't bring.

Shoes
Shirt

Awesome. All I had was leather boots to wear out this morning. Anyway, after playing games (Quelf is the greatest game ever! Look it up. Buy it. Play it. Love it.) for a while we all ended up in the pole room. That is what happens at women's sleepovers. Freaking awesome. No one is shy. To climb or go upside down it is easier to do it in shorts or panties so some panty action definitely happened just not how you would think. That place has something special. The camaraderie between the women is refreshing. No competition. No back stabbing. Just good ole' fashion fun. As it should be.

Side Note: As I am writing this I am watching the movie Elf. Best. Christmas. Movie. Ever. The gum scene grosses me out every time. The doctor scene makes me laugh out loud. Watching them eat spaghetti makes me want some. The snowball scene makes me want to go play in the snow. Man. I love this movie.

Today is Christmas shopping for my works adopt a family which by the way was very disappointing. My family also adopted a family and we raised the funds no problem. My work? Not so much. My boss donated and that is it. Luckily my family is generous because they picked up the slack. Just another reason I love my family. Well...off to shopping!

Soap Box Alert

I'm getting on my soapbox for a second here. Why are some people so concerned about what other people think? I woke up this morning thinking about a couple of comments that have been made to me over the last few weeks and here's the deal: I don't care what other people think about me. At all.

I have tattoos, my nose and belly button pierced, I pole and burlesque dance, and have a tendency to be willing to talk about extremely personal stuff. Up until this morning I was afraid I was one of those people that puts on a show just so I don't look bad in front of a bunch of people that I don't really know or care about but then I went back and read my blog a little bit. I don't care. If I cared I would have given the whole reason for my divorce. If I cared I wouldn't have started this blog in the first place. If people want to judge me that is between them and God. It has nothing to do with me. I like who I am. I am proud of who I am. I don't need to hide behind an image and I don't need their approval. In the design world you would call me WYSIWYG. Spelled out it is What You See Is What You Get. I prefer it that way and I am not going to change it for anyone.

Phase 5

It is amazing what happens when you slow down and let yourself just be. I had my life so jam packed that I didn't know where I started and ended. I just buzzed around from one activity to another trying to not feel. Then I stopped and holy cow! Let the floodgates open. Everything kinda hit me at once but it was good. I needed it. It is like one hurt healed another. I highly recommend it. I'm not gonna lie...it will hurt but that hurt is only temporary. The reward far outweighs the cost.

Last night I had another appointment to get my tattoo worked on - Phase 5 for this one. My artist, Nicole McCord, just moved studios so it was a completely different feel...in a good way. I have known Nicole for almost a year and a half and she is such a different person. This new environment is exactly what she needs. Best change was she had a massage chair for me to sit on so I was actually comfortable. There I sat playing on my phone and watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Good times. She had a new tattoo machine so my left flower took almost half the time and was half the pain. It is a machine designed to do blending work like my flower instead of flat color like a traditional tattoo. Less irritation. It is pretty swollen today but it looks beautiful.

Side Note: Looking at the my pictures blew my mind! I haven't been eating the best the past week or so due to Thanksgiving and moving and this snapped me right back on track. Yeah baby!

The first time I met Nicole my friend, Liz, had taken me to the shop because I really wanted another tattoo. I got my first one when I was 20 and had wanted another one ever since. I waited though because I didn't want to end up with something stupid and meaningless. Well, I had just left my husband for the 3rd time and wanted to reclaim a little bit of myself. I just wanted something small on my foot. I almost got whatever but Nicole didn't have an appointment until the next day. I wanted one now. I decided that wasn't a good attitude to have so I made the appointment and Liz and I went home. That night I actually thought about what I wanted. Cherry blossoms. The next day I headed in and we talked for a few minutes. Mind you I just wanted something small. She asked me about my life as she started her pencil drawing on my foot. I talked. A lot. I cried a little. I was really angry. I didn't pay any attention to what she was doing until she started drawing up my leg. I almost paniced but decided not because I could always ask her to change it. When she finished and I looked at it in the mirror I had to have it. She drew my emotions. She is so talented. Whenever I see her we ALWAYS talk about my foot tattoo and I always go on and on about how much I love it. Last night she told me that my foot tattoo meant a lot to her too. She was going through similar things as I was when we met. She got out too. She said my foot reminds her to never allow that to happen again. If you were to just see us together we wouldn't fit. I'm kinda conservative as far as my tattoos and piercings go. Nothing is visible unless I want it to be. She has full sleeve tattoos, wild hair and makeup. All that doesn't mean a thing. We get each other. I told her I was sad that my tattoo is almost done. I am going to miss her. She said she is going to come take my pole class at the dance studio. I love it!

I have the most exciting news but I can't talk about it yet! Man...I want to so bad. 

Dear December #1

Dear December,

You, my friend, have it easy. I am only concerned about two things this month.

1. Unpack. My roommate is moving in the end of this week so I need to have the place at least livable. I am just going to come out and say it. My roommate is going to be my youngest brother. He keeps putting off telling my Dad (he currently lives with our folks) but I am figuring that since he is starting to move stuff in Thursday...he has to tell him soon. Yes, he is the hot one that everyone asked about from my Salt Lake pictures I posted. I know. I know. He's hot. One thing that is going to drive me crazy is the fact that he is completely uninterested in having a girlfriend but the girls he dates have a much different idea in mind so they try to befriend me in order to get on his good side. It doesn't help that I don't think any of them are worth a damn but that may be my sisterly bias. Anyway, I got rid of an entire pickup truck load of stuff when I moved and plan on getting rid of at least that much more as I unpack. As I wrote someone the other day, there are only a few things that I actually care about keeping. My purses, my kitchen and sewing stuff. Everything else...meh.

2. Put my Christmas stuff up! This one is contingent on my getting everything unpacked. Let's just say I have a whole week of unpacking and purging ahead of me so I can have the tree up by Sunday. Christmas decorations make me happy. If I had my way they would be left up year round but we all know that would take the magic out of them.

Well, that is it. I guess having fun should be on the list but with Christmas just around the corner that one is a no brainer.

Kathy

P.S. To help everyone get in the spirit here is one of my most favorite Christmas songs. Enjoy!

Can't Sleep

This not being able to sleep thing is getting old. I'm in a bit of a mood so this may be random.

I am officially, totally, and completely moved out of my other place. It feels so good. It is as if I never lived there. Keys will be turned in on my way to work in the morning. For some reason me being out of there has put the period on the end of my marriage sentence. Maybe it's because at the beginning of me living there I was still trying to make my marriage work or I don't know what. Whatever. I like this feeling. I feel like a new woman.

My dog amuses me. I picked her up a new dog food today and I thought she was going to bust she was so excited. How great it must be to be a dog...especially mine. Always happy. Never a care in the world unless I go out of town. I used to travel a lot so now when she sees the suitcase she gives me the silent treatment. Seriously. She won't say bye to me. She walks in her kennel, tail down and won't look at me. We have been through so much together. A couple of my crappy relationships. Living in 3 different states. Traveling all over the western US. Loss of her best friend and my other dog, Howard. I don't think she knows how much she means to me. One of the guys in my companies other offices keeps telling me to watch the movie Marley and Me to inspire me to do I don't know what. I have read the book. I cried...well...dry-heave sobbed through the last couple chapters. There is no freaking way I am seeing that movie. I need to just take her the lake. Maybe I will do that on Saturday...

Here's the deal. I think they need a "things you should know" handbook that everyone is given when they reach adulthood. I am of the opinion that it is pretty impressive that I now change my own oil. Not many girls can say that. I know what to buy and where to put everything but what I didn't know is you are supposed to check it every once in a while. What?! Really!? I was talking to my Dad the other day and he nonchalantly asked me when the last time I checked my oil was. Huh?! I had just changed it but what on Earth is he talking about. It seems you are supposed to check your oil when you put gas in your car. Thanks Dad. Lesson learned. Also, where are the rules for talking to someone new? When do you go from casual acquaintances to friends? I have recently connected with someone that I really enjoy talking to. Here is the question: when does it go from just right to too much? I don't want them to get tired of me but I like talking to them. Ugh. I think I will let them drive.

A few months ago my work husband Bob made me promise I would go on a date. Actually, he was trying to get me to promise something else but I talked him down to a date. Why I felt like I had to barter I don't know. Anyway, I am not even close to being ready or willing to do it but I have gotten a few offers. Here is my favorite so far. The guy had no job. No car. No education. No aspirations. Yeah...sign me up. Another good thing that came out of my marriage: I have no patience for what I don't want. NEXT!

I think I may finally be tired enough to sleep now. If not, I will come back and write more.