Désolé

We aren't meant to go through life alone. We aren't. We are meant for human interaction. We are meant to bond. We are meant for friendship. We are meant for love. We are meant to support. We are meant to carry each other when one of us doesn't seem able to take another step. Why then do so many of us insist on "dealing with things on our own"? I do. When I was going through a really rough patch last year I cut myself off from almost everyone. Seriously. There were only 3 or 4 people that I would actually answer the phone for and that was only because I didn't want them to worry about whether or not I was alive. For real. I actually had someone call and say "just calling to make sure you are still alive". Wow...

The thing is so many people (read: me) think that whatever they are going through other people won't understand. We all think we are alone. We are the only one going through a divorce or fill in the blank for whatever you are dealing with. I really saw today how untrue that is. My pastor was sharing what it was like being in Haiti this past week and the seeing devastation that this country went through. He said that he said désolé a lot. Désolé is French (the national language for Haiti is French and Haitian-Creole, as there are many dialects of Creole) for sorry. When he was saying sorry he knew he hadn't caused the devastation but it was his way of expressing to them that he hurt because they hurt. His heart was broken because their life was broken. I like that. Such a small way to show you care when no other words will properly express that. He then asked anyone in the room who had been affected in one way or another by cancer to stand up. Half the room stood. He told everyone to look around and know that they were not alone. He then did something that touched me to the core. He said, "I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry". People broke down. He had that group of people keep standing and called two other groups to stand and join them. First people that had been affected by broken homes. "Désolé." Then people that had been affected by the economy. "Désolé". So simple yet so meaningful.

Sometimes things happen in your life, in the lives of those you love or in the lives of complete strangers that change it forever. When that happens to someone you know or don't know and you have no words to properly express what you feel try just saying "I'm sorry".  That may be the very thing that they need to hear.

P.S. I love my new church.

Dear January #2

Dear January,

I feel really bad saying it but I am glad you are done. I was so optimistic for a great start to the new year and the beginning of it has been very disappointing. You kinda saved yourself in the last couple of days but still. I'm over you. Onto your goals. 

1. Express MiE. Both the bootcamp and Team Fit MiE Fabulous have started out well. Not many takers for a 5:30am workout but that's okay. The workout is good.

2. Track my food. I didn't start out very good with this one but that's okay. I have ended quite well. I'm looking forward to meeting my main goal within the next couple of months. 

3. Read 1776. I modified this one to give me more time so I did well with this one too. The book club starts next month so I will be adding one Jane Austen book in addition to my big kid books. 

4. Finish up all of my divorce stuff. The last of this is being sent out on Monday. Such a nice feeling to be rid of my married last name. 

5. Find and sign up for both a concealed weapon permit class and a self defense class. I was recommended a concealed weapon permit class by someone and they offered do it with me but I haven't really heard from them in a while so I think I am on my own. Too bad because it would have been a lot more comfortable to go through the class with someone I trust and respect. Right now I am trying to decide between two self defense classes. The reality is it freaks me out to take a class like that because it implies that I might need it. I hate that.  

Kathy

P.S. I walked into the kitchen the other day and my roommate was putting peanut butter on his toast with a spoon. I think I need more silverware since we are quite diligent about doing our dishes so evidently someone is either stealing my knives or I need more. 

Me vs Me

I am my own worst enemy. There is no one on this Earth that seems to want me to fail as much as I do. Why you ask? Because I know what I want. I know what I need to do to get it. I know what I should do to accomplish everything I want to accomplish. I know what I am capable of doing. And yet…I so often do the exact opposite of what I should, could, and want to do. Anyone else do that?

Only You - JJ Heller

I have heard quite few people talk recently about preparing for the battles that come against us. Other people that want us to do things that aren’t good for us. People that do things to us that are ugly and hateful. People that want to tear us down. I get that. Surround yourself with friends and family that will support you and build you up. Bring them into battle with you. The problem comes in when the battles happen within your own head…your own heart. What then? How do you prepare for that?

The thing about battling yourself is it is lose/lose no matter what. Even when you win it is only at the expense of yourself and your goals so once again…you lose. How do you get on your own team? How do you become a teammate instead of an opponent? I want to pick me. I’m just not sure how. Hmmm...

Tricks of the trade. I want to write a book titled that and add all of the information that I have picked up along the way. Here’s the deal, I am no expert on anything. Everything I know I know because I pay attention. I am a huge people watcher. If it was a sport I would be its best player and biggest fan. The benefit of it is I pick up little tricks along the way. The latest and greatest? The big round brush. When Sarah did my hair last time I watched as she styled it. The longer my hair gets the more it weighs and I can’t get the same body I use to out of it. She made it beautiful with the help of the big round brush (well…that and her phenomenal styling skills). I finally bought one the other day and have used it a couple times. It is…how you say…life changing? Yes, life changing. It is like I have completely different hair. Here is my round brush. 

It is made out of 100% pure Boar’s hair. That sounds gross and intriguing at the same time. I highly recommend this for anyone who is trying to get more body in their hair. 

What Word Would You Choose?

I attended my first small group (this church calls them life groups) tonight. It is not going to be my permanent life group because I want one on Tuesdays but it was a good one to participate in for now. Tonight's discussion was the relation of how we feel about our father as compared to God. The guy leading it asked us to describe our father in one word. I try to not talk too much about the other people in my life aside from their impact on me and I realized that I rarely if not ever talk about my Dad. It is not because we have a poor relationship...the opposite in fact. I guess now is as good a time as any to start. The words I chose (since I couldn't choose just one) were generous and strong. The interesting part is one of the guys in the group also chose the word strong but for quite a different reason. He was so startled that I chose it (I shared before he did) that he immediately asked what I meant by it.

When I described my Dad as strong I meant strong in heart, strong in spirit, strong in opinion, strong in faith. This other gentleman meant strong in strength and intimidation. He went on to describe what it was like being raised by a drunk. I was so overcome with emotion sitting there listening to him. Once again it was made clear to my heart that I made the right decision to leave. Anyway, he also went on to explain that he had NEVER had a deep conversation with his father. I couldn't believe my ears. Some of the deepest conversations I have ever had have been with my Father. He just gets me. One of my most favorite things about my Dad is when I leave my folks house. He always walks me out and we end up talking for at least 30 or more minutes. I miss it when I have to leave right away. I have a great Dad. Anyone should be so lucky as to have half the Father I do. If you had to choose one (or two) words to describe your father what would they be?

After group I came home and finished watching the movie Bright Star. It is quite the emotionally charged movie. Probably not the best thing to watch after feeling what I felt tonight. At one point in the movie the main female character had something horrible happen to her that caused her to cry. It was the kind of cry that I myself have only experienced a handful of times. Most of which were during my marriage. It is the cry that no real tears seems to come but just a hurt so deep that you can't breath. Your heart aches in a way you didn't think was possible. It is like someone is laying on your chest and you can't seem to get enough breath to form a word. I don't miss crying like that. Anywho, here are a couple pictures from the movie. I freaking love hats and wish that I could wear stuff like what she is wearing in the first few photos. So fantastic. The last photo is of the main characters kissing in the rain. There is something about it that seems so perfect. Maybe that is just the romantic in me. I was born in the wrong era.

I am having dress anxiety. I started peeking around online for something to wear to my brothers wedding and found THE DRESS (see the photo directly below but I want it in magenta or burnt orange). Problem? It is a custom dress that requires 8-10 weeks to get. Other problem? The wedding is the beginning of March. Damn. I looked around at some other options that I posted below the one I really want but none of them are doing it for me like the original. If only my sewing skills were better. I am more the making costumes kind of girl. Double damn. I feel a 2011 New Year's resolution coming on...

Happy Anniversary to It's All About MiE

Today is the official one year mark of the beginning of this blog. I can't believe it! It seems so much longer but I guess I have had a lot happen in the past 365 days. Some good. Some bad. Some Awesome. Some Sad. All in all...I would say it was a good year. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to take my very first post and update it so....TA-DA! I also decided to add a little more information.

Name: Kathy
Age: Almost 29 (on February 4th)
Height: 5'8"
Status: Single
Occupation: Administrative Assistant/Fitness Dance Instructor/Freelance Graphic Designer/Super Fun Girl
Why: This blog has kinda turned into my journal. When I originally started writing it I stuck to just the subject of weight loss but soon learned that everything contributes to it. What is going on in your life definitely effects your weight loss journey.
Random Fact about MiE: I haven't seen any of the Star Wars, Indian Jones or Lord of the Rings (Shhhh....don't tell Judy) movies. I have seen all of the Harry Potter movies though because I read all of the books.
Favorite Food: My Mom's taco salad (that will never change)
Favorite Movie: Run Fatboy Run
Favorite Color: Deep Red
Favorite Memory: When I backpacked the Grand Canyon with my Dad. 3 days with a 40 pound pack hiking almost 33 miles. Hardest thing I have ever done and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Favorite Author: Jodi Picoult

That's all I can think of so....have a great Friday Eve everyone! For fun here is a picture that my cutie niece took of me last night. The weird angle is because I was laying down on the couch on my side and she was sitting on me. Oh that and she had the camera like 3 inches from my face. I love that girl!

Update Photos

Here are the pics. The weird part of the full progress photos is I look smaller in the September photo but my measurements are smaller now then they were then and my clothes fit way better. Not sure how that is possible but whatever.

Say It Again Please

Sometimes I think that other people are a good gauge of how far we have come. For example, I use to have a short fuse. I mean REALLY short fuse. I could go from fine to super pissed off in less then a second. I HATED that about myself so for the last couple of years I have made a conscious effort to change it. The thing about yourself is you are with yourself all the time so it is hard to make a fair judgement of how much you have actually changed. Kinda like when you lose 5 or 10 pounds but because you see yourself everyday it doesn't really register until you see someone you haven't seen in a while and they go on and on and on about how great you look. Anyway, the other day one of the guys I work with had some information that I wanted but he wouldn't give it up. Every time I saw him I asked him. Finally about halfway through the day after he had refused to tell me once again I said, "Ugh. You're making me angry." Do you know what he said? Nothing at first because he burst into laughter and then finally said, "You don't get angry" and continued to laugh as he walked away. That moment right there is when it finally hit me. I'm not how I use to be and not gonna lie...I wanted him to say it again.

Do you ever feel like somehow in the middle of the night you got a HUGE target put on you? I have been feeling like that the last week or so. It is like all of the sudden the protection of the divorce has been lifted and every person I meet or talk to has someone that I "must meet". What the...? I don't understand it. Why do people like to set other people up? I would hate to set someone up because what happens if they end up actually liking each other and were to date for a while and then it didn't work out? I would feel horrible and then there is the awkwardness of remaining both of their friends...blah, blah, blah...

Oh and the dating advice has really been flooding in. It is like I am not allowed to be single and okay with it. Most of the advice is something like "make yourself more available" or "you have too much going on". I like that I have a lot going on. I am working on ME! What is so bad about that? So far this week I have finished my business cards, unpacked a lot more of my house, and worked on some other projects that are important to me. What is so bad with being okay with being by myself? I have gotten some really good advice though. The best of which came from my Work Husband Bob the other day. He told me that I deserve, "Effort, love and attention. Don't settle for less." I wrote it down. No seriously. I wrote it down. See?

Back to my business cards...they are going to the printer today! Isn't that exciting?! They are freaking sweet. I mean the kind of sweet that makes me go "DANG! I am such a good designer! Why don't I do more of it?" Next comes the stationary package and website. One dateless day at a time I am getting my life in order.

Are you all so excited for pictures tomorrow? Get ready because the official ones are getting posted up.

Hello? God? You There?

Do you ever feel like God has somehow forgotten you? Like your prayers are falling on a deaf ear? Like he doesn't care what happens to you one way or the other? I have been feeling like that lately. A lot. You know what I found out though? God did hear. He was listening. He does care. He was just going by his timing...not mine. Huh. About that...let me let you in on a little secret...I am impatient. What? You already knew that? Oh. Okay then. Anyway, the past couple of days I have really felt His presence and it is a nice change from the nothing I have been feeling for a long time.

First, the wake-up call of serving on the Tres Dias team. That jump started me. You must be completely selfless to serve on a weekend like that. I need a good dose of selflessness. It's amazing what happens when you get out of your own head. I don't know about you but me being stuck in my own head is the worst place for me.

Second, JJ Heller saved me once again! If you have been reading my blog for a while you know I was waffling back and forth about staying at my church or not staying at my church or staying at my church or not staying at my church and I ultimately decided to stay. That is until something came up a couple of weeks ago that really showed me it was time to move on. Like an adult I sulked for a couple weeks and didn't go to church at all before I put my big girl panties on and decided it was time to start looking. Well, Saturday I hopped on Facebook and saw that JJ was performing at a church not too far from me. What?! Heck yes! I'm was in before I even looked the church up. It was great listening to her perform my all time favorite song, Your Hands, in person. Not gonna lie...I stayed for 2 services and got the opportunity to meet and thank her between them for not only getting me through a rough time but for finding me my new church.

I have already introduced myself to the worship pastor, signed up to help with graphics graphics and to be a part of a life (small) group. Oh! Awkward/funny story about that. I was at the life groups table getting ready to put my name on one of the lists when a couple walks up and asked about the couples group sign up. The gentleman, about 55ish, manning the table pointed at the one I was just fixing to put my name on so I stopped and asked if this was for couples only.

He asked, "Are you a part of a couple?"

I said, "No."

He replied with a wicked grin, "We'll fix that".

What the..? Who the...? How the...? Hello???? Who says that?! I have no idea what I responded but I just remember that I mumbled something, wrote my name and ran off. Knowing my luck he put a HUGE star next to my name to make sure I got put with other singles. Worst. Luck. Ever. Oh well...the church is so awesome. They are the practice what you preach kind not the let's talk about all of the great things we should do. I guess a week ago Sunday the pastor got up and said they wanted to help the survivors of Haiti but he didn't know how. Somehow between then and Tuesday they assembled a team of 10 people including 2 surgeons and some doctors and nurses to go to Haiti, booked their flights, gathered 30 boxes worth of supplies, got Delta to ship them for free and the team was on the ground in Haiti before that last service ended yesterday. That is getting the job done. I like that. It goes back to my whole mentality that actions speak louder than words.

Last, I met my mentors/friends for a quick bite after church and had a great conversation. No matter what is going on with me, even on days where I am over the moon happy like I was yesterday, they always make my day better. I am so glad I have them in my life.

My day did take a temporary nose dive when I got home and was greeted by one VERY sick dog. It makes my heart hurt to see her like that. She didn't even wag her tail. Oh and she got sick ALL OVER MY HOUSE. Remember when I said I was a sympathy puker? Yeah....

CAMPING!

I know. I know. Two posts in 1 day again but I can't help it! I'm so excited! You know how one of my 2010 goals was to get outside more? Well...I have been doing a great job of making it hiking once a weekend (yeah for me!) but I also really want to get going on the whole camping thing. I am going to do the Grand Canyon soon but I ran into the problem of no camping stuff (gave it all up in the big D) except for a sleeping bag that I bought for DITD the end of last year. Solution? I was at the store to get a vacuum cleaner and popcorn maker (long story) and couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. Dang. Oh wait! What's going on in this aisle? Clearing last years tent models? A perfectly good, brand new tent for $40.00 instead of $80.00? Heck YES! That so went in my cart. One more thing marked off the list. I need to take away any and all excuses for not following through with the goals I set. I also bought a queen air mattress that was $25.00 for $5.00 and a pump that was $20.00 for $9.00. Not bad, eh?  *Insert High Five Here* For real now...here is my ad.

Woman looking for camping buddies. Must like tent camping, cooking over a fire, and having a great freaking time. Card playing and smores making skills a plus. Email Kathy at itsallaboutmie@gmail.com if you fit this description. No complainers.

Moving on...I attended my first Tres Dias meeting today and I am super stoked to serve the group of women attending Tres Dias Weekend #18. It was great getting to know the other women I will be serving with even more. I LOVE being in environments like this (and Express MiE) where women are on each others team. No competition. No back stabbing. Just a strong desire for every single woman to be healthy, happy and succeed. Anyway, there are a couple of things from my past that have been holding me hostage lately so I grabbed one of the spiritual leaders after communion and asked her to pray over me. Oye. I cried and cried and cried and cried. When I walked away from her I left it there. What a relief. I also found out that one of the women that I really got to know during my weekend (#17) is in charge of the weekend (#19) in the fall. I most certainly will be serving again in any capacity she sees fit. I so wish I could talk about this more but I would hate to ruin it for any man or woman that chooses to go through the weekend. Of course the weekends are split so don't worry ladies...ladies are with ladies one weekend and men are with men the weekend before. Oh! I almost forgot! Part of the presentation this morning included a couple of clips from some TV show/special called Band of Brothers. It normally would not be my style of show but WOW! I HAVE TO SEE IT! I added it to the first couple positions in my Netflix queue.

My last thought for the night is I am going to modify my #2 2010 goal. The books that were recommended to me were signifigantly longer then I expected and I am 99% certain I won't make it through one of them a month plus I like my chick lit. Here is my solution to appease both of my desires. I am reading one big kid per quarter and I am starting a book club called...wait for it...wait for it...wait for it....Snuggalicious. Boo Yeah! I was at MUM's place today and she made a joke about naming it the Snuggie book club or something along those lines. I totally lost it laughing because my family jokes non-stop about a getting each other Snuggies. MUM even bought a Snuggie pattern and asked me what kind of fabric I wanted my Snuggie made out of since that is what she is making me for my birthday. OMG! I am dying laughing as I write this! I told her that I wanted pink camo. I'm not sure whether she is serious or not but just in case she is I wanted to make sure it was SUPER RAD! I also told her I wanted the edges lined with feathers. She said something about adding a boa around the neck. I love that she took it to the next level but I will impressed and slightly horrified if she actually does it. OMG! This is so funny to me. Partly because images from this website called the SnuggieSutra (only look that up if you are over the age of 18 and like crude-ish humor like I do) keep popping into my mind. Freaking fantastic. Anywho, back to the book club, we will be reading one Jane Austen book a month so if this interests you please let me know via the email address above. I have 8 or so women confirmed already. If we get many more we will probably need to meet somewhere other then my house but I am of the opinion the more the merrier. Sorry boys...I know you are so bummed to not be able to read Jane Austen books with a bunch of chicks but I am going to keep Snuggalicious ladies only. Good times...

~K

P.S. I hit a snag in my thinking of growing my hair out. I went for a run tonight and I had to pull my hair back with little clips. How annoying. I'm not sure how this is going to go. I haven't had hair long enough for a pony tail in almost 11 years. I don't own hair ties. At all. I'm dead serious. Not one.

Can People Change?

I had some personal stuff come up a week or so ago that I chose to share with someone and they made the comment that people don't change. I haven't stopped thinking about that. I both agree and disagree with that comment. I agree because my entire marriage was based on the fact that I thought someone would/did change. I trusted them that they did. They didn't. I did though. I became someone I didn't even recognize. I don't think I can properly describe to you how much I despised myself by the time I left. I hated how I looked. I hated how I acted. I hated what I did. I hated what I didn't do. I hated myself. Slowly I then changed again. I like myself. I never could have truthfully said that before experiencing this past year. As hard as everything has been I wouldn't change it. It helped me set boundaries. It helped me figure out who me is. It helped me accept me for me. My point? I don't have one. I was more just making an observation about my life. It all begs the question though...what makes one person more apt to change over another? Maturity? Circumstance? Need? Desire? All of the above? What do you think?

For fun here is a picture that kinda shows how big the tree was. All of the branches were removed so it doesn't have the same volume as yesterday morning but well...I hope you get the gist.



















I also finally made it to the nail salon last night and got my much anticipated/NEEDED pedicure. I may (read: did) get a super fun and completely irresponsible color. I should have just gotten clear because I am going to rub it off during my Monday night class but whatev. It's super fun.

Wait. What? A Tornado Warning?

In Arizona? You have got to be kidding me! For those of you who live in Phoenix you, no doubt, know exactly what I am talking about. 50 mph wind. 2 major freeways shut down. Flights grounded. You would have thought the end of the world was coming with the way people were acting. I guess when you live in an area basically storm and natural disaster free last nights storm would be quite intimidating. I have to admit that even I, who has lived in some pretty nasty areas and has experienced some really scary storms, postponed a trip to go visit a friend in the North valley. I headed straight home and was in bed by 8:30pm. I didn't give the storm a second thought until I opened my door to leave for work this morning and was confronted by a wall of leaves.

Isn't that crazy?! The storm took this over 2 story tall tree and laid it down right up to my doorstep. I had to do the sideways shuffle to get out of my place. I tried to get a picture of how big this tree actually was but it was too dark and the pictures didn't turn out very well. Boo.

P.S. Last night I was trying to explain to someone what dance makes me feel and I just couldn't put it into words so I tried to show them by sending them a list of my favorite styles of dance along with a youtube video that displays it and it got me thinking about how little dance I have been doing lately. I miss it. That aside, be on the lookout this weekend because I am going to post that list plus a few more. There are still a couple of styles that I need to find a video that adequately displays the style.

I Still Got It...Kinda

I freaking love Sarah! I was in much need for a cut and color and thankfully today was her first day back from pregnancy leave. Phew! Are you all so ready for a longer hair version of me? Prepare to be impressed because the cut looks so good that I retook the photos that I had Sarah take at the salon just so I could touch up my makeup a bit so I would look as good as my hair. No...seriously. That is not a joke. I really did. See?

I told you. Freaking amazing! We also decided on the style and color for when my hair grows out a bit more. This...

but a little more contemporary with a dark brown color and a couple of copper or bright red streaks in the bangs. Hot huh? Work Husband Bob didn't think so. He is in Phoenix to finish up a couple of things before leaving for his new job so we met for dinner. We had a nice meal on the balcony overlooking the view in the picture below. I would rather have mountains or nature of some kind but for the city this wasn't too bad. Anyway, I was telling him about my hair plans and he told me, "No. You better not do it. Our friendship hinges on you not having bangs". I almost peed my pants laughing. He was dead freaking serious. He told me that he told his wife that if she ever wanted a divorce all she had to do was come home with bangs. Ahahaha! I'm gonna miss that guy. We are talking about me going out in March or April. I told him summer was out because I don't do humidity. It's horrifying.

After dinner I went country dancing with my brother and his friends. Not gonna lie...I had a great time. I haven't partner danced in a long time and I definitely haven't lost my touch. Don't get me wrong...I am not what I use to be but whatev. It's okay. I am out of practice. I did get the chance to teach my brother and a couple of the guys some dance moves that I remembered. Towards the last part of us being there I just stepped back and watched all the boys spin and twirl the girls around the dance floor with the moves I taught them. I, once again, felt like a proud Mom. I am noticing a trend with me feeling like that when people get something I teach them. Anywho, my brother was the best but I may just be biased.

It is fascinating to be around my brother in a social setting because the way I get treated by girls before they find out I am his sister is so DRASTICALLY different from how they treat me after. Little do they know that they already got put on the "unapproved" list due to their dirty looks. On a somewhat related but completely unrelated note, it was a little uncomfortable tonight because there was a day last week that my brother had a group of people over to our place to watch a movie. The problem was I was all settled in for the night and chilling in the living room wearing only a sports bra and sweat pants. When they walked in all I said was "do whatever you want but I'm not putting on a shirt". I think I met all of those people again tonight and they all told the story to whatever group we happened to be standing in. Awkward. Anyway, I did manage to dance with a couple of fellows that were REALLY good. I haven't been lead like that in a long time. I would go again.

'Night!

K

Great Start To My Day

This morning was my Sunrise Stiletto Bootcamp and let’s just say…it hurt to wash my hair in the shower afterward. My arms were like jelly. I love it. Ha! Funny story about that…I taught the bootcamp and since there is no showers at the studio I popped into my gym on my way to work and showered. I got some crazy looks because I showed up sweaty, walked straight into the locker room, came out 30 minutes later all ready to go and left. I felt guilty for like a second but they have no room to complain because I paid a whole year out to use their facilities. They didn’t specify having to work out at their place before I was allowed to use the shower so I can do what I want. Oh and as I was showering I realized that I probably stood there for close to 10 minutes just letting the water run over me. I must have been in a daze because I suddenly snapped out of it and had to rush around finishing getting ready. *Special Note* I had my showering shoes! Heck yes. No awkward sock shower for me.

Oh! I finally got the internet set up at my place last night. It only took 2 months but whatev it is done. I thought my roomie was going to explode with excitement. He will now be able to play Xbox live or something like that. It was cheaper to get the cable/internet bundle so I got that. I’m still not sure how I feel about it. I don’t like TV.

Since I had to cancel going on my mission trip this year I decided to sign up to serve on the Tres Dias Team for weekend #18. I am actually pretty excited about it. I will be serving with a few girls that I had started to get to know during my Tres Dias weekend and I would love to get to know better. The first meeting is this Saturday from 8:00-12:30. Yikes! I’m not very good at sitting for that long. Wish me luck…

I just saw this on one of my friends blogs and liked it a lot so I stole it (Thanks April!)

The 18th Day

I heard on 2 separate radio stations that today, January 18th, is the most common day that people give up on their New Year's resolutions. If that is what you feel like doing right now...DON'T DO IT! You made the goal for a reason. Even if you have already messed up it doesn't matter. Every moment is a fresh start. In a couple hours it will be a new day and what happened today won't matter. Be in the moment. Allow yourself mistakes but also allow yourself to start over even if you start over 10 times a day it doesn't matter. Keep moving forward. That is where I failed over and over and over and over again. I would mess up once and think that everything was ruined so I would quit completely. It's not true. Trust me! I've lived a year's worth of do-overs. It has been so worth it. ~Lecture Over~

Tonight, as scheduled, I taught another intro to pole class at Express MiE . A funny thing happened during the meditation. I became present in my life again. I haven't been a student for a couple of months now and I was so focused on being the teacher and getting everything right that I just went through the motions. First, I do this. Then I do this. Next, I do this. Last, I do this. Not tonight. Tonight I stopped and actually participated. Maybe it is because I am getting use to teaching and it is becoming more and more natural to me or maybe I finally remembered that I count too.

The last couple of weeks I have completely lost myself. I have gotten so wrapped up in some really personal drama that I have only shared with one person, my car got stolen, and all of the other things that have been thrown in the mix. Somewhere in the midst of all that I forgot me. It's amazing how fast that can happen. In a matter of weeks I went from being super fun and aware to dull and distracted. Life piled on all at once and I am, once again, a hot mess. There are some things, like my car getting stolen, that are completely out of my control but there is a lot that is in my control that I am letting beat me. Tonight? I owned me. When I was teaching the girls the wall dance I closed my eyes and just felt the music as I went through the routine. That is what I use to do. The girls must have felt my fantastic vibe because they all nailed the dance. I was like a proud Mom. I need to keep this me awareness going.

Special note for all you pole girls out there: Here is a really great blog post about bruise control. I love it because I always look like an assault victim. The photo below is the latest and greatest. It is starting to heal so it looks extra nasty. :)

Hugs,

K

It's Official!

It was officially announced so I am now allowed to talk about it. My work husband, Bob, got married this weekend! He and his girl went down to the courthouse, got the certificate, hopped over to the chapel, and got married! Isn’t that exciting?! I am so happy for them. I like her very much. They are having a pretty wedding ceremony in Hawaii later this year but did the deed this weekend because Bob is going active duty again and leaves in 3 weeks for a 6-9 month assignment in Mississippi. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy for them. On another note, I’m sad because I will miss him while he is gone but I am happy because I am going to go visit him. He is going to be stationed near New Orleans which means I get to visit Bourbon Street. Color me HAPPY!

This got me thinking…what do I want to do if/when I get married again? My first wedding was already really low key but there is quite a bit I would do differently. First, I would have ALL of my family there. My first one we only had our folks and his brother. I wish I would have done that differently as far as having my siblings and their spouses there but you can wish in one hand and well…you all have heard that comment before so I will leave you to finish it. Here are some other thoughts:

1. I won’t wear a big ole’ wedding dress next time. I would rather wear a spring type dress, capris or something like that.
2. I want to be barefoot. I hate shoes.
3. I want it in my backyard (since it will probably be a long time until I get married again and I anticipate having my own house within the next couple of years).
4. I want a big BBQ party in place of a staunchy reception. I don’t care about seating charts or having courses. All I want is really great food.
5. I want to have a 1^st dance with my spouse but I want everyone to join in halfway through.
6. I want a Daddy/Daughter dance but it would be at the same time as the Mother/Son dance. I always found it a bit awkward as a guest to stand and watch a bunch of dancing.
7. Everything else? I don’t care. People get so wrapped up in the wedding that they forget it is the beginning a marriage. In all honesty, I don’t really care about any of the above either. I would rather be more prepared for my marriage then to have a perfect wedding. 

The Good Life

I had all of these really profound things to say and now I can't remember a single one of them. That means I am going to ramble....sorry....

Last night I headed over to the dance studio to join in celebrating the 1 year anniversary. Can you believe it? The studio has only been around for a year. I honestly can't remember not going to the studio. Also, I have been blogging for almost a year. So weird. Anyway, there was such a big turnout. When they did the pole demo we were packed in the pole room like a bunch of sardines. I was the photographer and it was hard finding a spot where I could take pictures without being at risk of getting kicked in the head by the girl on the pole. It is nice to have people see the world that changed mine. I just hope they appreciate it the same way that I do.

So this morning I was going to do a longer out of town hike with Becca and her doggie but due to something that came up at the last minute we opted to hike in town. We decided to postpone it to my birthday weekend but I just found out that that weekend is Superbowl weekend. That isn't going to work. Maybe we will do the weekend before or after or just play it by ear. I am trying to be less rigid with my schedule and I am quite enjoying it. Anywho, we ended up hiking over six miles. Not on purpose but it turned out to be a really nice hike. The doggies were loving it! It is so nice to have a hiking partner. Mental Note: I need that trait in my future spouse. It has really gotten me thinking that I need to head to the canyon again soon. It would be fun to repeat what I did years ago with my Dad and FFT. Down and up again in 7 hours. 14.7 miles. Yes, that is only like 2 miles an hour but the hike down is fine...it is the hike up that will kill you. Sign me up! Maybe it can be my 1st quarter trip...anyone want to join me? We'll do the South Kaibab trail. Bright Angel isn't as extreme but it is signifigantly longer.

Oh! Big-ish news! I should have a "new" car by the end of the week! Nothing exciting because it is going to be my transition car. I am going to save my money for the next year or so and at the end of that time I am going to buy EXACTLY what I want. That means I need to finally get my design business up and going along with teaching some makeup classes and doing whatever else I can. I would prefer to use only money I earn beyond my "real" job. I know I am capable of doing it...I just need to...well...do it. That also means I need to focus a bit more. Problem? I am an easily distracted person.

That leads me to my next thought, for the last week I experimented slowing down on Facebook and whatnot. I was inspired by a couple of folks that cancelled their accounts all together. That is more then I want to do but you get the picture. It was kinda freeing. I am probably going to limit it to once a week from now on. I will still be on the computer to blog and design but everything else is going to take the back seat.

Tomorrow I have some REALLY exciting news I found out last night but I'm not allowed to tell yet. I am bursting with happiness about it though! Oh and I have a date for the wedding!!! They even offered! It is one of the deals that if I end of actually dating someone before the wedding they are fine with not going as well. Sweet huh? I have the greatest friends ever! Have I ever said that before?

I'm "That Girl"

I never, ever in the whole wide world envisioned I would be but I am "That Girl". The one that got her brother's wedding invitation in the mail yesterday and saw the Kathy + Guest and wanted to throw up. Wait. Wait. Let me explain a little bit. The wedding is happening in Southern California on one day and the reception is the next. The thing with the wedding is that all of my family is one religion and I am another. In order for me to attend my brothers wedding I have to be a card carrying member of their religion so like all of the other weddings in my family I have to wait outside. I am also not the type to ask someone to give up their entire weekend just so I don't feel lonely and since I am no longer married or in a relationship of any kind I have to wait by myself. I usually get at least one person from my family that tries to make me feel better by saying, "don't worry so and so from the other persons side of the family can't go in either." Great. I get to wait outside with a complete stranger. Thanks. I feel much better.

I guess I will have the kiddos with me. They can't go in either. That makes me feel a little better. Ew. That also means I have to do some dress shopping. I'm not really a dress kind of girl. It's a good thing I love my brother to pieces and want nothing but happiness for him and his future lady. They are such an awesome couple.

I SWEAR TO....

I don't mean to sound like a Negative Nelly but I encountered one of my biggest pet peeves on the planet today so I thought it might be fun to share that one and some of my others. Here goes...

1. Vendors that don't do what I ask. I am responsible for all the comings and goings in the office at my "normal" job. Basically I am the office Mom. If there is something that needs to happen it is my job to make it so. That means that I am the main contact for all of our vendors. Here is where my pet peeve comes in. If I ask one of my vendors for something I prefer it to just happen. One of my vendors doesn't seem to get that concept. I asked them to email me something that we are working on today and I got a vague response followed with a "I'll bring it in and we can meet on it". What?! I don't want to meet on it. I am a very busy person and if I wanted to meet on it I would have requested a meeting. I didn't request a meeting. I requested you email me the freaking documents. I get the "you are trying to provide customer service thing" but to me that means doing what the customer asks. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I need something from this particular vendor. Ugh. For some reason this makes me unreasonably angry and I want to switch just so I have a vendor that does what I ask. For God's sake we pay you! Just email me the documents!

2. Checking my voicemail. I hate it. I hate it so much I wish I could delete my voicemail box off my phone all together. Seriously. I have 11 messages on my phone as I write this. I freaking hate it.

3. When my brother/roommate leaves the medicine cabinet open in the bathroom. I know...this one is ridiculous. Here's the deal. I don't care what direction he puts the toilet paper. I don't care if he leave the toilet seat up. I don't care if he leaves dishes in the sink. I don't care if he eats my food. I don't care if he uses my stuff. I don't care if he has 10 people over to the house. I don't care about anything else but every time I see that cabinet open it makes me want to punch babies. My response is really that extreme and completely out of proportion of what it should be because the reality is it doesn't matter.

4. People that are all talk and no action. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Words are great and all but they mean nothing until action backs them up. I know I am not alone in this one.

Well...that's about all I can think of so...rant over.

Thank You!

One of my fellow bloggers, Melissa from AngelFoodie Eats, presented me with this lovely award. Thank you Melissa. It is my first award and I love it!

And to steal from her blog post here are 7 random facts about me:

1. I have to sleep with a blanket at all times. Even in the middle of the Arizona summer. Not just any blanket either. It has to be a mid-weight duvet. I cannot sleep at all without a blanket. I will just lay there staring that the ceiling. On a related note, I don't use top sheets either. I hate them getting all bunched at my feet. All I use is a duvet and duvet cover and wash the cover once a week with my sheets.

2. I have quite a few male friends and it hurts my feelings (a lot) when my friends girlfriends don't like or trust me. For example, my friend BP in KC is dating a gal that I give him loads of advice about and I might be going to KC within the next couple of months. He mentioned that fact to her and her response was something like this, "What if I don't want to meet her? It bothers me that your BFF (that's what he calls me) is good looking anyway." There was some more discussion beyond that but ouch.

3. I hate cutting things in front of other people because I am a lefty and there are some scissors that just plain don't work for me. It is so embarrassing to have someone take the scissors and whatever I am cutting out of my hands because I am struggling like a 4 year old.

4. I am a sympathy puker. You puke in front of me and I will soon be next to you doing the same. *Insert gag here*

5. I have small hands. I mean REALLY small hands. No seriously...they are the size of most women's hands who are 5'1" or 2" but I am 5'7". I call them my Small Man Hands.

6. I have a scar in the middle of my back that looks like a massive bruise. I was hit with a softball (I was on the McDonald team) when I was like 9, it bruised and then never went away. I will try to have someone take a picture of it and post it up when I get it.

7. I prefer writing with blue pens. There is something about them that I just...prefer. No real reason aside from that.

Ahhh...Screw It

Now is as good a time as any. Here are my pics. Wasn't quite ready for the shorts but well...you get the gist. It's funny how I always seem to think I look better than I actually do. Okay. Not really funny but more like quasi-disappointing/straight disappointing. Yeah. That's it. I've lost over 40 pounds and I still don't think I look that good. Crap. That bathing suit may be a bit further off then I originally thought. Either way here are some unofficial update pics. I will do the real ones as scheduled on the 28th. I hope you enjoy viewing these more then I did taking them. Ugh.

Special Note: Please excuse my horrifying pedicure. I taught 2 private pole parties and an intro to pole class last week and if you have even taken the class you know what it does to nice pretty polish. I really should just go with clear.

I think us girls are interesting creatures. I thought it might have just been a me thing but one of my girlfriends expressed something similar to this to me earlier today. I was thinking about when you (read: I) either make plans with someone or make a suggestion of plans and the plan/idea doesn't work out for some reason or another how it makes me feel. It kinda hurts my feelings. Especially when it happens a couple times. I'm feeling like that right now and I know it is COMPLETELY irrational but whatever...I still feel like that. I think I am going to let them do the suggesting. That way I won't be disappointed. Good idea, huh? I freaking full of good ideas lately.

Speaking of good ideas...here's an update on one of Christie's, owner Express MiE: My first Sunrise Stiletto Camp is happening tomorrow morning so I was finalizing my plans for it tonight. I finally finished the soundtrack and it is exactly 45 minutes which it needs to be because the class starts at 5:30 am and it HAS to be over on time because I have to shower and be at work (45 minute drive from the studio) by 7:30. That means I have 30 minutes to shower and get ready. Huh. That's actually not too bad. That is how long it takes me on a normal day. Sweet! Anyway, I'm kind of nosey person and I would want to know so here is the soundtrack.

1. White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes

 

2. Black Fur by Fredrik

 

3. Dance, Dance, Dance by Lykke Li

4. Paper Planes (Blaqstarr Remix) by M.I.A

 

5. As Tall As Cliffs by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

  

6. I'm Amazed by My Morning Jacket

 

7. Supernatural Superserious by R.E.M.

8. Old Enough by The Raconteurs

9. L.E.S. Artistes by Santigold

10. Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend

  

11. Set It Off by Girl Talk

 

12. Music Takes Me Up by Mr. Scruff

Happy Tuesday!

I finally made it back to the gym this morning after the whole being sick, my car getting stolen and then sleeping in yesterday situation. It felt so good. Nothing like slapping those headphones on for some nice one on one Kathy time. Sad day though...that girl I wrote about last week...she's either A. Already Gone or B. Didn't make it in today. I hope it is B but often with how resolutions are made it is probably A. I'll keep my fingers crossed for B.

Last night was the start to the Team Fit MiE Fabulous that I talked about a week or so ago. I am going to love this! There are 6 women that are participating this session. I don't think any of us really knew what to expect...me included. Yeah, I knew what we were going to talk about but the dynamics of the people can drastically change the direction of the conversation and the depth. Fortunately it is a really great group. I'm not going to write about them or their goals here because it isn't my story to share but I will say that I am very excited for the next 5 weeks. I will write about the fact that this class is going to be good for me on a personal level. This blog is really good for holding me accountable but I have been a little lax lately with everything that has been going on. I can't do that. I can't be the "do as I say not as I do" type. That being said, I am back on track!

I will be posting new measurements and photos on January 28th no matter what. And my new photos will be in shorts and a sports bra. *Insert Dry Heave Here*

It's A Great Day To Be Alive

I have an unbelievable support network. It has been a rough couple of days but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Between phone calls, emails and people helping me get done what I need to get done this has been a much easier experience than I thought it would be. Not painless but well...you know. I think I was in shock mode for a few days but it all broke today. I napped for four hours this morning after my hike. Mind you it wasn't restful because I can't even manage to stay asleep during a nap. I woke up at least once an hour. That is so frustrating. The best sleep I have gotten in months is a couple hours from here. How unfair is that? Anyway, I got up and was kinda wandering around the house. Then Bob called. Poor guy...up until he called I hadn't really cried. I finally cried. Big tears. By the end of our conversation I was feeling much better. How does he always do that?

Here's the deal...I'm okay. It's a great day to be alive.

Remember That Time...

Remember that time that my car got stolen and then recovered and then I went to find out if it was drivable or not and the guy that worked at the tow yard told me that there was no longer an engine and transmission so I said to him, "So...it's not drivable? F*ck."? No? That's because it just happened today. Ah. This blows.

It's a good thing it is just stuff. Frustrating because a lot of baggage comes along with the whole situation of my stuff getting stolen but thanks to my friend, Becca, a bottle of wine, and pizza I am feeling much better.

"Ah...trials and tribulations of this thing we call life." ~ Becca

Taking Things for Granted

I take things for granted all the time. I automatically believe that some things are going to be/happen a certain way because they always have. For example, I assume that my car will be where I parked it when I come back to it. It just will. I thought that exact thing when I walked out of my place this morning. I walked right up to where I thought I parked it and was a little confused. "Huh. Where's my car?" I continued to spend the next 5 minutes wandering around my 30 car parking lot going over each of the cars until it finally dawned on me. My car is gone. Sad day. If I were a man I would call this a nice kick in the nuts from 2010.

Moral of the story: I'm still not quite sure yet.

Have You Ever Had?

One of those wakeup calls that you are like..."Wow! That could totally happen to me!"? And then you realize that maybe you should do some preemptive planning so you don't end up completely screwed if it does? That totally happened to me today. We had a couple more lay offs in my office and then I found out they closed an entire division of the company. Uh....I think I need to get my website finally up and going even if I do just a couple hours of design work a week. I guess it is finally time to join reality. Damn. Not as fun as the lala land I have been living in for the last couple of months. I probably should make it an official public declaration but I need to do a bit more mental planning first.

You know how I wrote that I wasn't feeling good the other night? Well, I still felt bad last night so I was in bed by 7:00pm. I got up at around 10:00 or so to get some water and when I came back I was greeted with this image of my dog.

What a horrible life, huh? As I walked back in the room she barely lifter her head. Also, can you tell what a crappy sleeper I am? My blankets look like that every morning. Haha! Anyway, I decided to skip my early AM workout for the last 2 days because I weighed my options and decided that I would rather nip this in the bud then risk it get worse. Main reason? I have plans this weekend. I am teaching at 2 different bachelorette parties and might or might not have some other things so...you get the picture. I missed it though.

Happy Kathy

I love my job! Love, love my job! I taught my first intro to pole class in a couple months tonight and, like always, had a blast! It was kinda intimidating because I knew a couple of the gals and I didn't want to mess up but then I remembered they wouldn't know the diff if I did so...I just went for it. Luckily I did just fine. They did too! I love seeing the difference in people from when they first walk in to when they walk out. Well, I love any environment that promotes self love and acceptance because far too many people (read: women) want to see others fail. I am not like that so it is nice to be surrounded by women who aren't like that either. Express MiE breaths that kind of an environment. I love it. Can I say that too much? I. LOVE. IT.

Anywho, so I made a decision last night that I thought would be hard but it wasn't. It wasn't at all. Actually I am quite pleased and impatient and excited and comfortable and well...you get the picture. The problem comes in that my life is still kind of a hot mess. I had to share something tonight that I was really embarrassed (not in my control but a factor in my life right now none the less) about but it was completely taken in stride. That was a good feeling. I am still getting use to the accept you for who you are not for who I want you to be thing but I am so okay with it.

I feel like I am getting sick and I probably should skip the gym tomorrow morning but I feel like I can't. I met a gal this morning that started her journey to lose 40 pounds this year so she can have a healthy pregnancy when she and her husband decide to have another baby. I'll come back to that...so I always work out with headphones on because when I don't it is like an open invitation for any creepy man within walking distance to come talk to me but once I get to the locker room they are off. I showered and was starting to get ready when she came up next to me to also get ready. She was so shy but she said, "I know this is going to sound weird but do you come here often?" I started laughing so hard because that is the EXACT reason I wear headphones. Comments like that. Fortunately for me she was just looking for a familiar face so she would feel more comfortable coming back. Side note: It was a little weird having a really deep conversation with this gal about losing weight while standing in my bra and work pants because I don't put my shirt on until the end because I am the queen of getting makeup on my shirt. I told her I came every morning so I would always be around. Do you see my dilemma now? Ugh. I'll decide in the morning and I should probably get to bed now because, like always, I slept super crumby.

Good night!

Seven Words

"Wow! You didn't gain any holiday weight!" That, my friends, are seven words that any woman would love to hear. Now I normally would have dismissed a comment like that but not yesterday. Yesterday I was makeup free, no hair style, and in shorts and a tank. There is no hiding extra weight in a get up like that. It totally made my day. Now don't get me wrong. I certainly didn't lose any either but whatev. I'll take it. Anywho, it made me think about how much people love getting compliments. Why don't we do it more? I try to compliment a couple people everyday. I don't make stuff up and I don't lie. I just tell the truth when I like their purse or hair or shirt or whatever. I think we should make a more conscious effort. Just saying...

I took Miss Maddie on a hike this morning and she was in heaven. There was hardly anyone on the trail which made it even more enjoyable because that means she runs mostly leash free. She does drive me crazy because she marks her territory. This probably makes me weird but I counted. She marked her territory 10 times. 10! Why? I don't understand her. I thought that was a boy dog thing. Anyway, here are a couple pics of the fun.

I think it is time to get rid of my ring. It has been sitting in a jar since March 2009. I think that almost a year is enough time to really think about it. God...I loved this thing. It was a bit bigger then I wanted but once the symbolism of it took over I loved it. I loved it right up until the car accident where my ex lost his. Then it became the symbol of the first time I left him for an extended period of time. It never held the same meaning after that. I think next time I want something completely different like a garnet or the likes. Anywho, Happy Sunday!