Transparency

I feel that I am a pretty open person. I don’t really have a lot in my past or present that I am ashamed of. There are things that I wish I hadn’t done and wouldn’t necessarily want to advertise but there is nothing that I would just die if someone found out or so I thought.

That being said, I met with one of my friends last night who has a degree in finance and currently works within that industry. I had mentioned to her that I was interested in doing the Financial Peace University but couldn’t find a class day/time (it’s a 15 week course) that works. She offered, because she is currently going through it, to meet with me. It is more of a review for her with a focus on working your finances God’s way.

We met last night for the first time and I thought she was going to have a panic attack. I had my budget (not that I follow a budget but it was a fair estimate of where my money goes) all written out along with a copy of my paystub but the problem? She asked about my 401K and a couple other things and I had no idea where any of that stuff was. Actually…that isn’t true…I knew where it was but I’m not the best with organizing it or even opening it for that matter. All of that stuff was sitting in sealed envelopes spread all over my house from my kitchen to my room to the spare purses I had hanging in my closet. I’m pretty sure she wanted to throttle me. The more I kept gathering the more anxiety she got. We finally had a conversation that was something like this:

Her: Let me see your room.

Me: No.

Her: I have to see where all this is coming from.

Me: Please no.

Her: I’m looking

Me: Um……….uh………..okay.

Her after she opened my door: Oh my gosh.

Me: I know.

My first thought was, “I’m going to throw up.” My second thought was that she wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore now that she knew but, thankfully, I was very wrong. Instead she sat next to me for over an hour while I went through every single purse and pile of paperwork I had sitting around my room. That, people, is true friendship. Here’s the thing…I was super embarrassed but at the same time so relieved that someone else knew how jumbled my life was (is). A lot of people seem to think that I have everything so together but it just isn’t true. The part that I am ashamed of is I let people think that. I never correct people when they make comments to that effect.

The reality is my life is a mess. A complete and total mess. I am awful at finances and keeping (this is the part I can't seem to do) my life organized. The kicker is I am a very organized person. For example, all of my books were in very neat order and my purses are all hung but my clothes and shoes were strewn about. She also was surprised at how much clothing I have. I guess it isn’t normal to be able to fill two and a half 8 foot racks with clothing which doesn’t count my purses that fill another 4 feet. Oh and another thing about my organization is all of my hanging clothes are hung with like colors in order of the rainbow. Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. Blue. Purple. Black. Brown. Tan. White.

I confessed to her that I hate being at home because of how cluttered it is and the more time I spend away from home the more cluttered it seems to get the more cluttered it seems to get the less time I spend there and so on. If I were to get to a point where I liked how my house was I’m sure I would spend time there which in turn would make it easier to maintain. It is easer said than done if you know what I mean. I am of the mentality that if you don’t like something about yourself you either need to accept it and shut up or change it. For me, this is a “change it” kind of thing. 

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

 “Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” ~ Arnold Bennett 

What To Do...

I have been thinking about what I want to write for over a week now and I still haven’t gotten any closer to a conclusion so I decided to just start writing.  

I was talking to my Mom about a frustration I have been having in my life when it comes what another person did. My Mom said the most profound comment ever. It was something like, “So…what you’re saying is she made a choice and now she doesn’t like the consequences of that choice.” My thoughts stopped dead on that comment and sat there for a while. How often in our lives do we make choices that aren’t the best and then get upset with the consequences? Seriously…think about it…every single choice, good or bad, has a consequence, good or bad.

The thing about consequences is sometimes the consequence is more than you think it should be, especially when it involves another person. Let’s say you share a secret that you were asked to keep in the strictest of confidences. The other person finds out that you shared. That is the point where you lose control. That person now has the right to react to the choice that you made. How severely they react is up to them. It could be anything from them telling you how much it hurt to them completely ending the friendship. Let’s say just for example sake that they choose to end the friendship. Do you have the right to be mad? The fact of the matter is you broke confidences, right? As the person on the receiving end of a hurt how do you decide on the appropriate level of reaction?

Super Blessed!

I literally have the greatest friends on the face of this Earth. I have been steadily been feeling worse and worse this whole week. Not sick just yucky. Sore throat and super tired. I taught my regular level 1 pole class on Thursday and afterward got the chance to hang with my friend, Ivonne. We walked around the park and by the end my throat was feeling awful. It felt kinda like I was trying to swallow a start fruit whole. All scratchy and tight. I made a joke about going to urgent care and she said, "Do you want to go?" To which I replied, "Yes." That is a huge deal for me because I hate going to the doctor and I felt lame for even mentioning it. Not only did Ivonne take me but she came into the room with me and stayed the entire time I was there. It was so awesome of her. It turns out that I don't have strep but I do have an infected throat. I called off of work today and ended up sleeping until almost 1:00pm. My throat hurt so bad. It feels a little better but not much.

How does one get an infected throat you ask? Well...I had no idea so I asked my older brother, MUM's husband. You see he is a pharmacist and the kind of smart that no one person should be. It is like God crammed the brain of two people into one. Anywho, he thinks that it was caused by allergies which considering the time of year it is...I agree. Rest and antibiotics makes this body good.

I also have really great parents. Remember how my car broke (again)? Well...my Mom took me to and from work and my Dad fixed it for me so it only cost me parts. I am so blessed both by my friends and my family. I wouldn't change any of them for the world!

What blessings do you have in your life? Health? Happiness? A car that runs? A good job? A great family? Something else?

It's No Secret

It's not. I have terrible luck. Terrible. For example, last night I was driving home from my new church life group while blabbing on the phone to a girlfriend when my headlights started to fade. Then my airbag light started blinking and blinking and blinking. Then I started to lose power. Then my car died while sitting at a stop light. Alternator. Dead. Awesome. Not only that but when your alternator dies your emergency lights don't work. So...picture this...girl in dark clothes stopped at a poorly lit intersection in the right hand lane with a dark colored car. Awesome. I sat there for a minute, said a "you can't be serious and if you could help me out that would be great prayer", got out and looked around for my best option. I was on the SE corner with nothing. There was nothing on the NW or the SW corner but there was a Walgreens on the the NE corner. Bonus! All I had to do was get my car, by myself, across the intersection. Awesome. I started to push but decided that I wouldn't make it. I stopped, felt defeated for a second and then...THEN...honest to goodness...a tow truck drives by...with nothing on it...they flip a U-turn and come back. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! My luck has turned! 

Just as the tow truck is pulling up another man stops to see if I need help. Double YEAH! I thank him and he gets on his way. The tow truck guys are two of the nicest guys I have ever met. They thought it was hysterical that I was driving home from Bible Study. One of them said I must be right with the "Big Guy" to have that kind of luck. As they drove me from Higley and Guadalupe to Tempe we had the nicest conversation about God, religion and what it is like to reposes cars which is what a majority of their tow company does (fascinating stories!). They dropped the car off and charged me $50 (unheard of...I know). All in all from the time my car stopped working to the time I got to my folks place it was 45 minutes. I am going to savor this experience because situations like that don't happen very often. As one of the tow guys was getting me my receipt he said, "I hope your night gets better." I responded with, "I don't know how it could. It has already gone way better than I could have hoped." 

Random Tow Truck Fact: Tow trucks cannot solicit you on the side of the road. You have to ask for a tow. When the guys initially stopped they were only going to help me push it across the intersection but because I asked them if they were busy and if not could they tow me they were then able to tow me. Put that in your hat for a later date. 

Oh and my new life group is FANTASTIC! It was a pot luck and get to know you night so we just sat around and talked. When I introduced myself I just said that I taught dance fitness classes which everyone thought was great. Thankfully no one pushed the subject because it is better to get to know people before you drop pole dancing in the mix (too bad there is such a stigma around it)...well...not until later. When they all found out it was a mix of disbelief and awkward laughing until ultimately the husband the of the couple leading it said, "we are going to get so many people in our group! All I have to do it say we have a pole dancer." Ah...the life and times of Kathy. 

Remember how I said I was packing my lunches with real food instead of frozen? I took some pictures of the lunch I had yesterday for you to enjoy/covet. It was so YUMMY! 

First, two pieces of toasted whole wheat bread. 

Then spread a pesto/mayo combo on one side and a 1/4 avocado on the other. 

Next, add some tomato slices and a piece of lettuce.

Last, put on 3 slices of turkey bacon (that I cooked in my work microwave) and eat. So good! 

The best part is it is only 7 weight watchers points. I prefer to have my heaviest meals at lunch time. It just works better for my body. 

Anywho, I'm sure you have noticed but in case you didn't...I like to take pictures. I take them all the time with my phone. I decided to share a couple that I have taken lately. One is from the rain on my windshield from yesterday morning and the other is the lovely reflection I had while driving to my new life group last night. Happy Wednesday everyone!  

Pick Your Feet Up!

This morning I laid peacefully in bed going between conscious and unconscious for a while listening to the birds…the birds?!...what the hell?...birds don’t chirp at 4:45am….ah…crap…it’s 6:40. Guess I’m not making it to the gym before work. Such a disappointment because last night I finally reached the point that I am tired of half-assing it and decided to revamp everything (aka. have renewed motivation). I am taking my multi-vitamins again (I take mine the same time I give Miss Maddie hers), found a couple of different lunch options (I’ll post pics and recipes as I have them), went grocery shopping and completely set myself up for success this week. My gym bag was packed. My lunch was ready to go. I prepackaged the ingredients for my soy shakes so all I have to do is add soy milk and blend. What do I do? I sleep in. It was so frustrating. Good thing I am seeing the doctor on Wednesday to continue the hunt of what is wrong with me.

Anywho, back to the moment last night that everything was finally brought to a head: I admitted to a friend that I am in the “I don’t wanna” stage. It’s bad. Really bad. For example, last week I didn’t drink enough water any of the days. I never have an issue with that. I always drink plenty of water. Always…until last week that is. I literally had this mental conversation on a daily basis.

Me: “I should go fill my water bottle.”

My Brat: “No. I don’t want to.”

Me: “Seriously. You haven’t had enough water to drink.”

My Brat: “I don’t want to and you can’t make me.”

On and on that conversation went until eventually my inner brat won and I didn’t drink any water. Isn’t that silly? My friend and I both decided that we have been stalling long enough. She also helped me have an epiphany. I have put a little bit of weight back on and I hadn’t really acknowledged it but she said something that made me realize that I am doing it subconsciously. That I am tired of dealing with the emotional things in my life so by adding some weight back on it changes my focus. I can focus on losing weight again instead of dealing with the issues that have been popping up. That’s the thing about losing weight. No matter how much weight you lose you are still there. Your problems are still there. Your emotional issues are still there. You still have stuff you have to deal with. Being skinnier is nice and all but when you reach that magical number or that magical size all you have really dealt with is getting rid of the weight and not why you put it on to begin with. It’s time to get back on track and deal with my issues. It’s time to stop dragging my feet and really put my life together. Here’s to remotivation at its finest. 

"The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win." ~ Roger Bannister

"Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory." ~ Ghandi

"Bear in mind, if you are going to amount to anything, that your success does not depend upon the brilliancy and the impetuosity with which you take hold, but upon the ever lasting and sanctified buldoggedness with which you hang on after you have taken hold." ~ Dr. A. B. Meldrum

"Determination is the wake-up call to the human will." ~ Anthony (Tony) Robbins

Long Lines and The 29 #3

I am firm believer that whatever you do you either have a good time or a good story...this one was more of a good story. Well...not entirely. It ended up fun but the over one hour wait that was before hand I could have totally done without. No...seriously...we arrived at the coliseum 10 minutes before the roller derby event started and this...THIS...is the sight we were greeted with.

It was un-freaking-believable. Not only that but because I bought a Groupon and Brooke bought a will call ticket we were in 2 separate lines. For over an hour. OVER A HOUR! It was one of those things that I couldn't believe we had waited for 30 minutes but then I was so committed to the experience that I, no matter what, was going to get in there. Here's the thing...we went to Pei Wei for dinner and I bought a beverage....and well...by the time I got in I thought I was going to pee my pants. I'm noticing a pattern. Here is a picture of Brooke at dinner before the main event as well as the beautiful sunset that God granted us before the awful wait.

Once we finally got in and settled we were then confronted with the fact they we knew little to nothing about it. Well...Brooke knew stuff but I was 100% clueless. We ended up googling the rules on my phone. (Yeah for technology!) There was a lot of energy but not nearly as much as if everyone hadn't waited for an hour to get in.

Oh...so back to waiting in line for an hour. The thing about my line was that the people in front of me were have a really great Christ centered conversation and the 8 guys behind me were COMPLETELY wasted. It was like I was stuck in the middle of the angel and demon cliche. I actually video recorded a bit so you could commiserate with me.



I endured over 60 minutes of that drunken conversation. My mind went through a whole myriad of stages from surprise at how long the lines were to complete and total annoyance to complete and total anger to finally reaching the point that this is so freaking ridiculous that it is super funny and that is the point that I stayed at.

Brooke and I, of course, had to buy shirts. Brooke ended up with a Bombshell Beauties. I bought a shirt for the Runaway Brides team. The evening ended up a winner and I would totally go again. All in all this was a fantastic part of my 29 new things.

My Dog Has What?!

Hypothyroidism? Really? Dogs can have that? Huh.

Yup. You read that right. My dog has a low thyroid. So low, in fact, that it didn't even register on the machine. She now has to take thyroid pills twice a day along with fish oil plus allergy pills three times a day. My dog is now officially as high maintenance as I am. Crazy, huh?

She does feel so much better already. She is actually like a whole new dog. Her ears are way better than they were and I found out why she hurts after we go for walks. She has a fat lump right in the crook of where her leg meets her body so it rubs and rubs when she walks. Poor girl. She now will just play outside and the walking will be kept to a minimum. I also have her on a new dog food that has no wheat or rice to the tune of $50 per 20 pound bag. She better know I love her. Here is a picture of her with her new dog food. She went wild when the vet brought it in. I also took a picture of the spoils we brought home from the vet with is. This doesn't count the thyroid med and 2 other prescriptions she now has to take.

It is weird thinking about her as old. She is nine. NINE! I can't believe it and neither can anyone else we meet. Everyone always asks how old she is and then never believe me when I tell them. MUM said it best today. She said, "Maddie has aged well." It's true. She has. I am looking forward to the rest of our years together. Years filled with love, fun, allergy pills and thyroid meds. Love you Miss Maddie!

Come on in...

"If you could clear out all that space in your mind, you'd have a doorway, and you know what the universe would do? RUSH IN! Everything else will take care of itself." ~ Unknown

Isn't that a great quote?! It came at the most perfect time as well. Last night I taught a level 1 pole class and then a private bachelorette party but I couldn't get into them like I normally do. My mind was spinning and spinning with all of the things that I want to do and accomplish. I couldn't focus. I couldn't relax. I guess I need to clean out all of the cobwebs of stuff, stuff, stuff that is filling my mind. Getting over my wonderful talent of procrastination will probably help with that because then I will have less to worry about. It does concern me a bit that if I get rid of my to-do list that it will be like laundry. More and more and more will appear. Actually...I know that will happen. I guess that is a part of life though. I have actually written down a whole bunch of stuff that I want to accomplish. I think I will keep writing until I have nothing else to write and then see what pops up first. I think I know what it will be. It is the one thing that comes to mind first but I'll be patient. I'll see what God has to say about it.

So...as promised here is my review of the Magic Bullet. It is...MAGICAL! Seriously. I don't know how I lived without it. It is so simple. It is so easy. It is so convenient. It is magical. Plus the shakes for breakfast are so unbelievably filling and tasty. I see good things happening in my future. I recommend getting the delux version from Costco because A. It comes with 25 pieces and B. It was only $44.59. A great price for everything you are getting.

Next I need to work on my lunches. I have been doing the whole frozen lunch thing and let's just say...I'm not a huge fan of it. I need to really think about and plan a lunch that will make me successful in my half marathon training. They recommend a diet of more carb like items. I want to choose healthy items like rice or I don't know. I think I am going to try to find a cookbook specifically designed for a runners diet. As we all know though...I need easy stuff. I spend a lot of my life on the go and need something that is easy to grab and go. More research. More research. More research.

Is This a Sleeping Bag?

You know it is time to get a new duvet cover when you have a couple friends spend the night after book club and you throw one of them your blanket and they ask, “Is this a sleeping bag?” Nope….just feels like it. Off to IKEA I went. I ended up with this really fantastic striped one that is so super soft. Even better, the colors in it match both the red and the pale green sheets I have. I also FINALLY picked up a wine rack. I have been looking to get one for weeks and weeks and weeks so since I blogged about my procrastination I figured I should start doing something about all of these things that I have wanted to do so wine rack bought, put together, and stocked. Shoe case bought but not yet put together (tonight). New duvet cover bought and on my bed. Books unpacked. Plus a whole other group of really small things that I have been meaning to do but just haven’t taken the time to do. It feels good to be making my procrastination list shorter and shorter. How about you guys? You getting anything checked off your list?

Here are the last of the wedding photos. I love my big ridiculous sun glasses. They add humor to any photo or situation. They are the epitome of the way that I live my life. Over the top.

The last two photos are when they made all of us single girls go out to catch the bouquet. In the first one you can see me standing with the crowd and in the second you can see me running away. Good times...

It's Magical

Back to this whole weight loss thing…I have decided I am going to make a couple changes in routine. I might as well start at the beginning since that where most of the changes are taking place. My first change will be in what I eat for breakfast. I have gotten out of the habit of eating first thing in the morning due to having to take my thyroid medication and since I don’t have to take it anymore (praise God!) I can go back to eating before I leave the house. The issue I came up on is I run in the morning. It has to be something that won’t upset my stomach but will keep me fueled. Here is what I am going to try first.

Soy Shake

1 C Vanilla Soy Milk

½ C Frozen Strawberries

½ Small Frozen Banana

1/8  C Oats

Blend it all together and drink.

How does that sound? Not bad, huh? We’ll see after tomorrow. This will also adjust the way that I eat for the rest of the day because I currently eat cottage cheese, peaches, and 1 vegetarian sausage for breakfast but all of the running publications recommend something with carbs. I was thinking maybe the Kashi waffles with a little peanut butter or something of the like. Ah…crap…I think I need to do a bit more planning.

Oh! I almost forgot! I bought a magic bullet. I know it sounds dirty but I promise it isn’t. It just a small little blender. I have this big huge nice KitchenAid blender but it is so much effort to use and then you end up using 2 different dishes because you transfer it into another container to drink. The solution? The magic bullet blends right in the container you will be drinking it out of. Sweet, huh? Anywho, the only thing I need to be conscious of is I need to rinse the container ASAP because the shake is like cement when it dries.

I also need to start bringing water/Gatorade with me to the gym in the morning. I usually run for 40+ minutes at a time and will be slowly working my way up to an hour. It is time that I start replacing the water that I lose. For my gym runs I am going to use the handy little water bottles that Express MiE sells. They easily get the job done and it will be remind me that I also work out in a place that is way more fun. Give me a little hope if you know what I mean. For the longer runs that I will be doing outdoors I need a different solution. It was recommended that I use a fanny pack style hydration bladder. Doesn’t that sound attractive? No? I agree. At least the one I am looking at is pink so it makes it a little more fun. I am going to pick up one like in the picture below. I’ll test it on Saturday to see how it works out.

In other somewhat but not really related news, I have started making my own trail mix. I hate how the store bought stuff has a little bit of a weird after taste to it so I bought all of the ingredients to make my own.

Kathy’s Trail Mix (I can’t really take credit for it because it is just nature added together)

Plain Cashews

Plain Almonds

Dried Cranberries

Dried Gold Raisins

Equal parts all of the above.

I’m sure you could add whatever you want to it. I mixed it all together and will be bagging 1/3 C in the small snack bags since you don’t need to eat a lot to feel satisfied and it will be easy to throw in my purse or car. 

Oh and I forgot to add that I also joined Weight Watchers again but only for the accountability. I don't care what my weight is but I do care about what is going in my mouth. We'll see how it all goes...

The Ultimate Quandary

How do you forgive someone who wronged you but has never apologized to you for what they did or how they treated you nor do they really feel that they did anything wrong? I get the whole you need to forgive them so that you can move forward but my question but is strictly the HOW. I seriously have no freaking clue. If I am completely honest I would have to say that a small part of me doesn't really want to forgive them. I feel justified in being angry at them. I also don't feel like they deserve to be forgiven. I know. I know. It isn't hurting them any. They don't care. If they did they probably would have apologized and I wouldn't be writing this, right? Anywho, the reason for my asking is there are several people that are and will always be a part of my life that I struggle with. Either they are judgmental, have no edit button so they say whatever they want whenever they want with little to no thought for anyone else, or they are passive aggressive in they way that they approach life. It would be easier to be able to cut them all out of my life but that just isn't reality. Everyone has to deal with unpleasant people. The key is to not let them get under your skin. Thoughts?

Self Discovery

I have spent an awful lot of time being mad at my ex-husband but didn’t REALLY look at myself until last week when I discovered a few things. Not very good things either.

First of all, I was put into check by a very good friend when we were talking about my angry/hurt post last week. I couldn’t seem to get past my check list of awful things he had done and said me to both while we were married and during the divorce. I think I have talked before about how I make lists of good and bad things done to me and the bad seem to have more points then the good. Anyhow, I spit off some of the things I did wrong and followed it up with ALL of the stuff he had done to me that I thought was worse. What she said to me was the best/most honest thing she could have said. She said, “Does God count some sins as worse than others or is a sin is a sin is a sin?” Damn. I replied that all sin is equal. She then said, “Then why do you get to add weight to them?” Uh…I had no answer to that. I just sat on the phone speechless.

The rest of the week seemed to take off after that. Later in the week I hung with a girlfriend and her husband and the way that she talked to him sometimes was AWFUL. The interesting part is I think she has always talked to him like that. She hasn’t changed. I have. That means that if I use to not notice it then I must have talked like that as well. Uh…double damn. I apologized to my ex-husband for that. He forgave me. He then said he hoped I could someday forgive him for everything he said to me. Unfortunately, I am not as forgiving as he is. I have forgiven a lot of what he did but not everything. I now have a goal for Tres Dias…to forgive him COMPLETELY…to hold no grudge or resentment.

We then talked about other things that screwed up our marriage and something came up that I had never thought to address…his folks. That relationship was strange in that we were instantly oil and water. His Mom was very unkind to me and I had no use for either of them. I had parents. I had parents who had done an amazing job raising 6 children who I still have a wonderful relationship with. I didn’t need or want more. Combine the two and…let’s just say I was extremely critical of them to him. That must have been terrible to have a wife who didn’t have a good relationship with your parents and constantly felt the need to share her opinion. I had no idea what it felt like being him because my family still cares for him even after everything that has happened. He never had an issue with my family and they were instantly accepting of him. Ultimately, I asked to end the conversation because I was getting extremely upset just thinking about it. All of the feelings of alienation I felt along with my strong disagreement of their parenting came bubbling to the surface. The disagreement with parenting came only from the fact that they did things different from my parents. Not necessarily wrong just different. I was of the attitude that my parents had raised 6 well adjusted children and I wanted to follow their parenting to get the same results. His folks felt we should parent differently and constantly told us everything we were doing wrong. Again...combine the two and nothing good can come out of it.

If I were to be completely honest with myself I would have to say I have more feelings of hurt that come from them than from my ex-husband. That was a completely unexpected discovery. I just don’t know how to make it better. Oh wait…yes, I do…pray for guidance. 

Triple Whammy

Alright...it's time to fess up. I am training for a half marathon. For real this time. I have gone through almost 2 weeks of training because I wanted to make sure that I could make it through at least the first 2 weeks. Here is the crazy part...I have already run over 20 miles to prepare for a 13 mile race and I have many, many weeks and miles to go before the big race. I am like 98% certain I am running the San Francisco half marathon on July 25th. It will fit 2 new items for The 29 because I have never run a half marathon and I have never been to San Francisco.

The thing about running is I have a love/hate relationship with it. I hate running. I love the instant gratification I get from running further in the same amount of time. This will be a really great thing for me to overcome my resistance struggle. If I can do this I will be able to do anything. ANYTHING! Anyway, I needed to get some more running shoes and socks. Enter...COSTCO! I went yesterday and found some shoes there that were regular price $90 for $30. $30! Isn't that so freaking awesome?! On top of that they had a 6 pack of synthetic socks for $13. They normally would have been $6 or more EACH! One (the black and whites) of the pairs didn't work out so well as running shoes but they will make great biking shoes. I posted pictures of my spoils below. The first is the book I am following to train. The second is the first part of the training schedule.

The triple whammy title comes from my run this morning. First, I wore the black and white shoes. Awful. My feet were very angry at me. Second, I am getting ready to start my lady time (TMI...sorry) so my boobs were super sore. Last, this is the first time I have run outside. Allergies. That is all. 

Do You Know What Good Feels Like?

I do! I do! I do! Good feels like getting a call from your doctor with your blood work results and finding out that EVERYTHING is normal! EVERYTHING! Well…almost everything…my Vitamin D is super low. So low, in fact, that I have to take special supplements but whatever! It probably doesn't help that I never drink milk. Maybe I should work on that... Anywho, no more thyroid medication! No more testosterone trouches! This also means no more Hoshimoto Thyroiditis. Isn’t that awesome?! Color me so stinking exciting I can hardly see straight! God is so good! I have no idea what changed because just a few months ago my body was so messed up but I am so okay with the changes! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! My heart is so full right now!

*Insert High Five Followed by an Awkward Happy Dance Here*

More Than Expected

On the drive back from California my brother, Becca, and I got in a deep conversation about other peoples stories. My brother said the most profound thing that I think most people also think. He said something like he often forgets that other people have stuff going on too. That he gets so wrapped up in what is going on in his own life that it takes him by surprise when he finds out the struggles that other people are experiencing or have experienced. How true is that? For example, at Tres Dias last year I met a lot of really great women. At first the relationships were somewhat superficial because I had just met them. Then time started to wear on and since you are together basically 24/7 stories start coming out. Women I had quickly grown to respect shared the struggles that they had gone through. I remember how floored I had been time after time after time. Story after story of sadness, hurt, pain, sickness, grief, misery, torment, suffering, stress, frustration, resentment, abandonment, anger, heart ache and more. The thing that I noticed was that none of them carried what had happened to them as a badge. They shared when the sharing seemed appropriate. Their struggle didn’t define them. Their struggle doesn’t define their mood. Their struggle doesn’t define their personality. Their struggle is a part of them but it is not them.

The crazy thing is even after a weekend like Tres Dias I still find myself surprised by the struggles of others. For example, last night during worship at my churches youth group the worship leader gave the youth an opportunity to share a challenge happening in their life right now. I am ashamed to say my first thought was, “How bad can a teenager’s life really be?” I expected to hear things like high school is so hard or drama about who was being mean to whom but I was so wrong. The first girl he called on shared that her house had been broken into. Okay. That was unexpected. The second person that shared said that her Mom’s house was getting foreclosed on. Yikes. There were a couple of other people that shared and their struggles were all things that I expected about difficult tests and whatnot. Then he called on one last person. Her Mom was just diagnosed with cancer. Wow. That stopped me in my tracks and my heart broke for her. These are just kids. They shouldn’t be dealing with things like break-ins, foreclosures, and cancer. They should be worried about grades, dating, what kind of phone they have and whatever else seems to plague they younger generation. Not cancer.

Here is what sent me over the edge. The worship pastor said let’s pray over the last girl that shared. He called her to the front of the room and invited anyone who felt compelled to come down and join her. Okay…let me set the stage for this. The room we were in is pretty big and has large amphitheater style seating. There were over 85 kids there. I watched the stands empty and a HUGE football huddle type circle form around her within a minute. Literally…a minute. Do you have any idea what that looks like?! 85+ kids packed so close that they were all standing shoulder to shoulder and front to back for about 6 or 7 feet in all directions around her. I don’t remember what all was said but that is how prayer should be done.

Edit to add the song the worship leader had us sing after the prayer. Lots 'o' tears were shed as people sang. Me included.

All Who Are Thirsty - Kutless

My point to all this, is you never know what is going on in the lives of people around you and maybe all they need is for someone to ask, “How are you?”, and really mean it.

“What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what kind of a person you are” ~ C.S. Lewis

To add a light note to this heavy blog here is one of the photos my Mom took of Becca and I right after my brother's wedding. 

Healing Rain

It has been almost exactly a year since I left my now ex-husband and it still breaks my heart. There I said it. I have pretended like I am okay for a long time now but I’m not. I’m still sad. I’m still heart broken. I can’t even bring myself to go through the boxes of Christmas decorations to separate them. It just seems so final. It’s actually pretty funny when you think about it because my divorce was final over 4 months ago but I still can’t bring myself to separate my Christmas decorations from his. I guess it comes down to I was so angry at him for so long and now the anger is giving way for me to finally really feel the hurt. The hurt of him not being there like he was supposed to. Like this past weekend. He should have been there.

There’s a thing about being married to an alcoholic. You are technically married to two completely different people. The sober guy and the drunk. Both fortunately and unfortunately for me my sober guy was pretty awesome. Fortunately because I do have some really good memories from my marriage like when the husband of someone I am close to said something really ugly to me my now ex-husband completely stood up for me. Or all of the times he did stuff that I wanted to do even though he never had a desire to do them. Or all the times he cooked for me. Or when he went out and found the exact camera model I used when I fell in love with photography my sophomore year of high school. I still can’t bring myself to use it because it makes me think about him.

Then comes the unfortunately part. Unfortunately because that version never stuck around. The drunk always came back. That is where all of the sadness from my marriage came from. Remembering the times I got screamed at or when I was completely ignored after I miscarried. Remembering the kind of person I let myself become. The lies. The lack of trust.

I’m not really sure what the point of this post is but there you have it. It probably comes back to me waking up missing what we should have had. Being both happy and sad about the fact that he is now sober. Being sad that he finally only took me serious after he completely broke my heart and I left him. I guess I am finally in the mourning phase. God must have thought so too because after I cried all the way to work he put the following song on the radio just as I pulled into my parking stop. Buckets 'o' tears after that. 

Healing Rain - Michael W. Smit...

Wedding Fun

What a wonderful weekend! I enjoyed all of the time I spent with my family. I really appreciate one of my best friend's, Becca, giving up her weekend to come and be with me. I loved seeing my cousin's, James and Wendi, who came down from Utah to be a part of this. They are truly amazing people. I am so excited for my brother who got married. He and his wife are both so lucky to have each other. God definitely hand picked them as the others perfect partner. I couldn't have asked for a better time!

~K