You Are Either Going Forward Or You Are Not

You guys are so encouraging to me. I have written some pretty heavy stuff the last couple of days and hearing how a lot of you struggle with the same things has really helped me step out. See below for explanation.

When I was in college I made 2 very, very good friends. One of them I kinda grew away from because of some choices that he was making and the other I have stayed friends with. Not as good of friends as I would like due what I finally admitted to myself last night. She and I have an LLC together. A living, breathing LLC just waiting for a company to go with it. I have been somewhat avoiding her for the last couple of years…mind you…one of my best friends in the whole world…because of all sorts of “reasons”. What did I finally admit to myself? It is because we always talk about getting our business started. I finally came to the conclusion that I am so freaking terrified that I will succeed that I can’t see straight so I make myself so busy that I don’t have time to address it.

That time is over. I called her last night after talking to another friend, who is fearlessly moving forward with her business, and admitted to her my fear and that all she had to do was name a date and time and I would be there to talk about our business. No questions asked. Do you know what she said? She said that she was terrified too! Isn’t that funny? We have been dancing around each other for almost 3 years because we are scared of the exact same thing! What a weight off my back! I am now so excited that I can hardly contain it! Here is where we need some help. Feel free to chime in with any ideas.

We need a company name. Bad. We are both clueless.

I already have Moonlight Graphic Design but that was more of my thing. I want us to have a “We” thing since this is for the both of us. The problem is that neither of us have a clue as to what to name it. The thing about being a designer is designing your own stuff is the hardest thing that you can do. It is the one thing that represents you as a person as well as a designer as well as a business. When I design for someone else I am taking their vision and translating it onto paper for them. It’s different. They get to express to me their dreams, desires, hopes and all of that good stuff and I get to take that amazing energy and create something beautiful. They always love it. It is always exactly what they hoped for plus some. Wait…why am I scared again?

Something I didn’t share yesterday was that I showed Ivonne part of my school portfolio. It was nerve wrecking because she used to design so she knows what she is looking at. You know what happened? She loved it! I also showed her some of my photographs. You may or may not have noticed that I take a lot of pictures but I haven’t really shared a lot of my “good stuff”. I have some really good photographs that I have done nothing with. NOTHING! What a waste! So…I am thinking about starting an Etsy business where I combine my photographs with some really great quotes and sell them. I am also thinking about offering them both framed and unframed. Nothing too fancy or expensive. I love taking old picture frames, painting them, adding a cool mat board and putting an awesome picture in. I haven’t done it in a long time because last time I did my ex destroyed them in a drunken rage. It broke my heart so I stopped. (Again, I figured out the why so now I can address it and move forward! High five to me!)

I love taking something old and discarded and turning it into something new and exciting. My cleaning buddy/super great friend (I so need to come up with a nickname for her) and I are going to Goodwill to do a bit of looking tomorrow. Fortunately I always check out the frames when I go to Goodwill so I have a whole secret hidden box of them in my closet dying to get out. Square ones. Rectangle one. Circular ones. Shadow box ones. Guess who is doing some fun stuff this weekend like painting frames and putting pictures in them? ME! It is time to actually move into my house.

What exciting things are you all working on?! I would love to hear. 

You are either going forward or you are not. ~ Mitchell Reiss

Knowledge Isn’t Power

One of my favorite radio stations of all time is KLOVE. I listen to it religiously because its slogan is Positive, Encouraging, KLOVE. How great is that?! I also really enjoy the music. Well…last night as I was listening they were talking about Baskin Robin’s 31¢ scoop night and this lady called in and went on and on and on and on and on about Rocky Road ice cream. Rocky Road is my FAVORITE! I mean I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! Decision made…I’m having ice cream for dinner. As I wandered through the store I was talking on the phone to my friend, Ivonne. We were talking about life and she was asking me how I was doing. We talked for a bit more as I stood in front of the ice cream selection. Just as I picked one out she said, “Where are you? I’m coming over.” Crap. I put the ice cream back. She knows my goals. How can I sit here talking about how much I want to improve my health while I have Rocky Road ice cream for dinner? That is when it hit me. She inspires me. I already considered her a great friend but it goes beyond that. I have so much respect for her that I actually want to be a better person when I am around her. I never told her I was at the store getting ready to buy ice cream but I knew I would be such a fraud if I did. I then ticked through my list of friends and found that most of them are like that. When I am around them I feel a deep desire to pursue my best version of myself. How lucky am I to have friend like that?!

Ivonne came over and I showed her my room. It is not nearly as bad as when I first showed it but she saw my laundry pile. Yikes. She then was like okay…let’s get to it. We did 3 large loads of laundry, finally put together my 2 book shelves I am going to use for my shoes, and hung 2 pictures. She got me so pumped that I moved my bookshelf in my room, decided to get rid of a pile of books and magazines, moved my dresser, laundry basket, and I put some of my shoes away. Funny enough my cleaning buddy, who is helping me on Saturday, was like, “What are you doing?! What are we going to do on Saturday?!” I calming assured her that there was plenty of clutter to last the whole weekend and even into next week if she wanted. She also now gets to help with more of the fun stuff like hanging pictures and whatnot. She also brings joy to my heart. Again…how lucky am I?!

Anywho, back to KLOVE. What had been a bad influence last night quickly turned into a good influence this morning. This morning they were talking about nutrition and they played a little snippet from a Christian nutritionist who said the greatest thing ever. 

Knowledge isn’t power. Discipline is.

Isn’t that freaking awesome!? And so true. I have talked to overweight woman after overweight woman after overweight woman who all say the same thing that I did. “I know what I need to do. I just need to do it.” See? It isn’t about the knowledge at all. Most of us know enough of the basics to make better choices.

1. You need to burn more calories then you consume in order to lose weight.
2. Exercise is important.
3. You need to change your eating habits for life because diets don’t work.

Those are the 3 basic elements for losing weight that all of us know. Most people know even more about what food they should eat. They generally know about what exercise is good for them. They know that there are tons of books out there that are all written to bring you any knowledge you feel you need. They know that there are tons of people in the world who can help with with learning how to work out properly, eat properly, and can even address the reasons behind their weight gain. What is missing? What is the one thing they can’t buy? Discipline. I personally don’t have a lot of it. If I did I wouldn’t have been getting ready to eat ice cream for dinner last night because it didn’t mesh with my goals. Thank goodness I have awesome people in my life that can help me in areas that I fall short even if they didn’t know they were helping me…like ice cream for dinner.

The nutritionist went on to say that we need to ask ourselves a couple of questions. I almost started laughing out loud at one of them because it was what my entire post was about yesterday. He said we should ask ourselves why we are eating. So simple yet often we aren’t eating because we are actually hungry. We are eating because we are happy, sad, bored, stressed, stoked, angry, upset, thirsty, and really any other reason you could possibly imagine. We eat to reward ourselves. We eat to fill a void in our hearts. The nutritionist went on to say that we should pray and ask for God’s help in our weight loss journey. That we should pray for discernment to know when we are actually hungry and when we eating for any of reason beside that. He also recommended that we pray for discipline. Let’s just say that God and I had an interesting conversation this morning.  

Make It Fun and It Will Get Done

Please note that this entire post has come pretty heavy content that some may not want to read.

Judy said...

Let me see if I'm understanding this: You are giving up things you love and bring you joy because your house is cluttered and you aren't doing things perfectly?

Diana Duncan blogged over at Lucy Monroe's. I want to know what you think after you read it. Here's the link to make it easier: http://lucymonroeblog.blogspot.com/*. I imagine you'll have to copy and paste.

*Specifically: http://lucymonroeblog.blogspot.com/search/label/Diana%20Duncan

Well, if that isn’t food for thought I don’t know what is. By stopping a lot of my activities temporarily am I “hording the good stuff”? I thought and thought and thought about it and I finally came to the conclusion that “yes, a clean house is not the most important thing in the world” but “when it is crippling your ability to function properly in the rest of my life” then it becomes extremely important. If I am not comfortable in my own skin and my cluttered house stops me from inviting people over who I want to see or limits me in any way really then it is important to address it. I need to get my life to the point where it is a lot easier to maintain.

To put my life into perspective I wrote out my entire schedule and when I am not sleeping, working, teaching, volunteering for my church, working out, hanging with friends or any of the other tireless activities I do I have approximately 8-10 hours of week to do other things. That may sound like a lot but I haven’t accounted for cleaning, laundry, eating most meals, reading and hanging with my dog. Add those things in and I am down to no free time or time to spend on my long term goals like eventually working for myself.

I am giving up the fun stuff so that I can work on some goals I have wanted to pursue for a long time. For example, I want to get my graphic design business up and going. This week I was granted the rare opportunity to design a PowerPoint presentation for work. I know that sounds awful to some of you but I was so stoked! I worked 2 10 ½ hour days in a row and the time flew by. By the time I got up to leave I felt like I had just started. On top of that my design came out extremely well! I forgot what it felt like to have the time fly like that. I could design for days. What happened? Why did I stop? I was in the top of my class. I was one of the best designers. I graduated with a 3.8 and then…nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing. It isn’t like I haven’t had people who wanted me to design for them. My Godparents had a couple of really great projects that I never really put my time into. Why? Did I lose my nerve? Was I too consumed with everything else going on in my life? What? What is it that is keeping me from pursuing a career that I truly love? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of rejection? Fear of actually following through with a goal? Fear of working for myself? Fear of having to rely on project pay rather then a base pay? Fear of losing money when I choose to take a vacation day? Fear of something else completely? Is the fear I am feeling the reason I am filling my life up? So I don’t have to feel it?

I think that finding out the reason behind why we do or don't do things is far more important then anything else. There is always a method behind the madness. It is finding out what the method is that we have to do in order to reduce the madness. I guess that is what the point of my post was the other day. I don’t want to live in the madness anymore. A prime example of this is I don’t swim in oceans, lakes, rivers, and I have to be freaking hot to finally give into pools. I didn’t use to be like that. When I was a kid we were in the pool non-stop. Whenever we went to the beach I was in the water and would find sand for weeks in places you could never imagine. When I lived on the dude ranch there was 50 lakes within 50 miles. We would go to the lake. We would swim. It was fantastic. Then I stopped. I enjoy looking at water. It brings peace to my soul but I won’t step foot into it. I could never quite pinpoint the time where I went from loving it to avoiding it until I was talking to a girlfriend just a few short weeks ago.

When I was 20 I worked at the dude ranch and loved it. I worked 6 days a week, ran the dining room serving 4 and 7 course meals, taught archery, helped with trap shooting, taught line dancing, participated in a sweat lodge every week, and more. I was also dating a guy twice my age that wasn’t the greatest to me. (I have a habit of doing that.) Since the dude ranch was seasonal I would help with hiring in the wintertime. The last winter I was there we had a girl from NJ join the team. She was 27 and this was her first adventure away from home. A couple of weeks later we had another girl, 19, join the team. I worked at the desk next to the 27 year old and hiked everyday with the 19 year old. Two weeks after the 19 year old joined the staff the three of us were going to go into town to watch a baseball game. Last minute my boyfriend told me I couldn’t go so I didn’t.

Later that night one of our roommates busted into our room crying uncontrollably. There had been an accident. The girls I was suppose to be riding with hit a 90 degree turn going 80 mph. The 19 year old, who was driving, was knocked unconscious and eventually drowned because the people in the car behind them couldn’t get her out in time. Turns out the bar served her. When they tested her blood her blood alcohol level was .18. The legal limit for someone over 21 is .08. The other girl? Nowhere to be found. The owners of the ranch flew her Mom out the next day. She stayed for the next 2 weeks and eventually left without her daughter. Since I was the main person both of the girls had talked about, guess who ate with the 27 year olds Mom most of the days she was there? Guess who listened to the Mom talk about having dreams about her daughter stuck in a meadow somewhere and not knowing where she was? Guess who walked all of the meadows around the accident to not find anything? Guess who went into the 19 year olds room the day after she died to get the box she was going to be buried in? Guess who toured the 19 year old family around and helped them pack her belongings when they came in to town? Guess who took the call 3 months later that the 27 year old had been found face down in the river by 2 fishermen? Me. Turns out the water was so cold that she immediately sunk and because she went into an old logging river the divers couldn’t find her.

That night changed me. I broke up with my boyfriend a week or so later. I stopped really eating and exercised a lot. I lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks. I left the end of the summer season without saying goodbye to anyone. I don’t swim anymore. Now I know why.

So often we get focused on the “what” they we forget that there is a “why”. The “why” is important. I want to find out why I feel this insane need to have a full schedule. I want to find out why I feel this insane need to keep everything. I want to find out why I am avoiding stuff that is super important. Only after I figure out the why can I do something to change it for good. My removing my distractions and through the help of God I hope that I will figure out my why. The sooner the better but that isn’t usually how life works out.

My Mom sent me a really awesome email with the quote I used as the title of this post. "Make It Fun and It Will Get Done". Why didn't I think of that? I try to live my entire life by having fun. I am going to put some thought into ways that I can make getting my life in order fun. Loud music? Check. Good company? Check. Lots of fun stuff to look through and maybe get rid of? Check. An awesome walk down memory lane? Check. Wish me luck!

*I just realized that I didn't see the real quote my Mom had sent me. I really liked both thoughts so see the real one below. Thanks Mom!

"Out of clutter find simplicity; from discord find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." ~ Albert Einstein

Nuclear Meltdown

I was fascinated to read another person's blog today and see that they were feeling the same thing that I am. I am tired...sick and tired...of talking about changing. It finally happened for me yesterday. After all of the mini meltdowns I have been having over the last couple of weeks I had the big one. I mean the really big one. It wasn't the kick and scream and think ugly words kind of meltdown. It was the "if I continue to live like this it is going to drive me completely mad" kind of meltdown. It was the kind of meltdown I had when I decided that I needed to finally do something about my weight the day after Christmas 2008. It was the BIG ONE!

Things I am tired of:

1. My cluttered house

2. My lack of organization when it comes to my finances

3. My cluttered house

4. Not having a weight loss plan

5. My cluttered house

6. Not spending enough time with my dog

7. My cluttered house

8. Not spending time with people I really want to spend time with

9. My cluttered house

10. Not spending time getting my graphic design business up and running

11. Did I mention my cluttered house? 

Here goes...

Monday night...In 2 weeks I am going down to teaching one pole class a week for at least the next session (though I would love to teach more because teaching brings me joy)

Tuesday night Bible study...cancelled indefinitely

Wednesday night Youth Group...cancelled until I get my act together

Thursday night...stay at home until I get my act together

Friday night...stay at home until I get my act together

Saturday night...do fun stuff

Sunday...limit helping with graphics at the church to once a month

Stop "going out" to eat with my friends and thinking of more activities that are done for free (look out for a "Things I Can Do For Free" blog coming sometime soonish)

Get rid of the China hutch finally

Hang pictures on my wall

Do my laundry

Etc...

You see? I have no shortage of things that I have been avoiding so now it is time to just DO IT! It has officially reached the point that staying the way that I am is far more uncomfortable than changing it so...hi ho...hi ho...it's home to work I go...whistle, whistle, whistle. (To the tune of the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs song)

What I am planning on accomplishing this week is:

Tuesday - Unpack from Tres Dias and Vegas then do laundry (All 10 loads...no...seriously...there are at least 10) 

Wednesday - Get the kitchen, dining room, and living room to a cleanish place since my brother/roommate's girlfriend (GIRLFRIEND!) is coming into town

Thursday - Make sure the bathroom is 100% and take the China Hutch to its new home

Friday - Book club (Kinda like staying home and working...only different)

Saturday - Clean, clean, clean and then head to a potluck with the Tres Dias folks

Sunday - Church, Lunch, Bible Study, Rest, Rest, Rest

I know you are so jealous right now but don't be. It's not nearly as fun as it looks. Also, my organization buddy is going to help me on Saturday. I am so grateful for that. It is hard trying to do it myself. How do I know that? I having been trying to do it myself for a long time. Years in fact. The same as I tried to lose weight by myself. It didn't work until I joined Express MiE. It is nice to have other people believe in you. Support you. Cheer you on. I need to stop thinking that I can fix myself. It obviously isn't working. 

Speaking of Vegas..well...not really but let's talk about it anyway, I have so much that I want to write about and talk about but I am still in the think about it stage. You know the one...the "I need to digest this a bit more so that I can form a complete thought" stage. I am pretty excited though. And as previously thought, I did buy books. I bought 4 the night before and 4 during the conference. I kinda think that I went on a book buying binge because I knew that after this past weekend I was cut off. Probably because this means I can't buy anymore books aside from the book club books unless I use it as a reward for achieving a goal. Seriously. I can't. That is a part of getting my finances in order. Anyway, I am just kinda jabbering so I am going to go. Be on the look out for more complete thoughts tomorrow. 

~Kathy

Community

I have really thought about/been confronted with the idea of community a lot lately and how important it is to us as humans. There are all sorts of communities. Communities of friends. Communities of family. Communities of people you work with. Communities of people you attend church with. Communities of people you go to the gym with. Community is all around us. Everywhere. Some communities are good for us and some communities are bad for us. It is discearning the difference that is sometimes the hard part. I do feel like I am moving toward of a whole group of communities that are good for me.

You know how I work with the youth group for my church? Well, I missed last Wednesday because I was teaching a private party and I missed Sunday because I was serving on the Tres Dias weekend. I have only been helping out for a couple of months so I didn’t really think that anyone would notice/miss me. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I was wrong. I had 2 different leaders pop me a fun little note via Facebook. It was nothing big but truly warmed my heart. I felt like I had been missed in that community which must mean that I am actually a part of it rather than someone that stands on the outside looking in.

The same goes for the Tres Dias community. Unfortunately one of the women that I served with had her son go in the hospital right after the weekend. The outreach that I saw was phenominal. Tons of text messages and emails requesting prayer for his healing. People took it upon themselves to make sure that everyone knew what was going on. No one had the “not my job” syndrome. That is a true showing of community. It was exciting to see. Fortunately he is now home and recovering.

In my Bible study last night we also talked about community and how we make an impact in the communities that we are a part of. I stated that I find myself so busy that I don’t leave myself with much time to actually do anything in the communities that I am a part of. Slowing down and allowing myself to look and smell the roses will fix that. 

The Growth Zone

I feel a heart wrenching sadness but at the same time I had such an amazing weekend. I spent 3 whole days with around 100 women and I spent those days in extremely close proximity with 4 of them. Working together. Rooming together. Eating together. Praying together. Worshipping together. Taking communion together. We were just plain together and not one…NOT ONE…argument or fight broke out. I have never before experienced such fantastic teamwork in my entire life. Our team leader did such an amazing job organizing everything. We knew what we were supposed to be doing at all times. We knew where we were supposed to be. Everything just flowed together. What a perfect first experience for serving on the Tres Dias team. I was right too. Serving was way better than participating. Don’t get me wrong…when I went through it was mind blowing. I learned so much and let go of hurts and guilt that I have been carrying for over 10 years but serving…serving was so different. It wasn’t about me this time. It was about making sure that the women going through experienced everything that they could. Something amazing happened though. Through serving others I was able to put to bed some of my own hurts. Some of these hurts were new and some of them were hurts that I thought I had already addressed only to find out they were deeper than I thought.

Oh…back to my deep sadness…the thing about Tres Dias is I got to get out of town for 3 days without the distractions of the outside world. The moment I arrived at the camp I shut my phone off and it stayed that way until we drove away on Sunday night. It was magical. No little chirps for new emails or text messages. No voicemail alerts. Just Kathy, God, and the other women there. When we pulled out of the parking lot on Sunday my heart sank. I had just spent 3 days being completely filled up. The Kathy that arrived was a completely different person from the Kathy that left. The thing is that you come back into a world that is still the same. The people at work are the same. The traffic is the same. My family is the same. My house is the same. My car is the same. My friends are the same. Everything is still the same but I am different. A good different but it is hard to adjust the new me to fit into my old life. My priorities changed. Again. It was really made apparent to me that I need to get my life organized.

I know I have talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked about the fact that I need to do that but I need to get real. I need to address it. I have a couple of months to sit and relax before the next round of Tres Dias weekend meetings take place so I need to take advantage of those Saturday mornings. My brother is also going to be moving out so that will give me an opportunity to do another huge purge. I am reading the organization book and it is helping me get rid of stuff. My biggest problem is my overbooking myself, my fear of not having something to do at all times or my hating being in my completely disorganized house. You see the real problem? Me. It is all stuff that is within my control but I can’t seem to get it together enough to get it handled. Maybe it is laziness. Maybe it is fear. Maybe it is…God only knows. Whatever it is I need to get to the bottom of it. 

There is no comfort in your growth zone and no growth in your comfort zone. 

BBQ, Dirty Napkins, and The 29 #6

How often do you drive past a place the peaks your interest enough that you think to yourself, “I should stop there”? It could be a restaurant, store, museum, or anything really. I have had one such place that I have occasionally driven past for years. And when I say years…I mean YEARS. It is one of those places that isn’t anywhere near my house but every time I am on my way to Prescott or Flagstaff I drive right past it. I am always on my way somewhere so it doesn’t work out to stop then and by the time I am driving back home I have forgotten all about it and since you can only see it driving Northbound I never think about it again until I drive past it on my way North again.

This weekend I finally got a chance to stop there. It was arranged in advance as me and some of the other women serving on Tres Dias weekend #18 headed up to camp. I was fasting at the time we drove past so we weren’t able to stop then but actual plans were made to stop there on the way back. I really think it had to do with the fact that I was starving so the thought of food was seared into my mind. When you haven’t eaten a thing for 18 hours you have a tendency to obsess about bit more about food than you normally would…or maybe that’s just me. Whatever. The plans were made. We served the weekend (I’ll write more about that later) and excitedly looked forward to some good ole’ fashioned BBQ. Due to getting out of camp late we pulled into the restaurant after dark so the pictures aren’t what I hoped they would be but…welcome to Bad Ass BBQ off the I-17 at exit 244.

There ended up being 7 of us and as we walked it I think we all started to regret the experience…at least a little bit. It was dark. It was a little dirty looking. It was what you could definitely call a hole in the wall. Even though it has been illegal to smoke indoors for years the place still had the stale smell of cigarettes. Maybe it seeped into the logs after years of being bombarded by smoke or maybe people still smoke inside after hours. Either way, it still had the old smell. The décor was fun…really country looking. We found our way to a table, which wasn’t hard considering there were only 3 other people in the place. We sat down and were greeted by a young looking girl who took our drink orders. So far so good. We all started to peruse the menus and quickly got hungry looking at all of the different options. I love BBQ. I would eat it everyday if it wouldn’t make me 1,000 pounds. As we started to decide what we wanted the gal sitting next to me opened her napkin. The entire conversation came to a screeching halt when she showed it to us. It was dirty. Not dirty in the sense that someone had dropped it on the floor but dirty in the sense that someone had used it. A lot. It was covered in BBQ sauce. Gross.

We all threw caution to the wind and ordered anyway. WOW ‘o’ WOW! The food was good. The company was good. The conversation was good. It was a blast! The waitress did a great job taking care of us. All in all the actual experience of the place was favorable. That is it was favorable until I walked into the bathroom. “What the…?!” On the walls behind the stalls someone had drawn a little scene. You had a choice of 2 different stalls and one of the two following paintings behind you. Guess which one I got stuck with? You guessed it. The man. It is one of those things that you just have to not think about it.

I am glad that I finally stopped there after driving past it for years but…not gonna lie…I probably won’t do it again.  

Pumpkin, Neck Anxiety and The 29 #5

I thought it would be a great idea to get a facial. It was a pumpkin facial and I love anything to do with pumpkins so it was barely a second thought to purchase the sweet deal from groupon. You see I literally love everything pumpkin. Pumpkin pie. Pumpkin bread. Pumpkin soup. Pumpkin spice air fresheners. Pumpkin seeds. I even love those nasty little pumpkin candies they sell at Halloween because they are shaped like pumpkins. You see where I am going with this?

Anywho, I had my appointment last Wednesday. I arrived at the salon excited. Everyone all day had been telling me how amazing facials are. I had never had one before so I knew I was in for a real treat. The gal led me into the room and gave me a little robe to change into. Below is a picture of me before the facial. No…I’m not naked. I am wearing the towel thingy she gave me to wear.

Here is a picture of the room. It was dimly lit with a soothing color scheme and comfy bed to lay on while she did the facial.

I laid down on the bed, covered myself up with the nice fluffy blanket provided and she came back to start. First thing she did? She slathered this really goopy stuff all over my face and neck. ALL. OVER. MY. FACE. AND. NECK. It took everything in my soul to not pull my arms out from under the blanket and rake it off my face with my fingernails. AW-FUL. My breathing deepened and she started to massage my face. In and out. In and out. Breathing and thinking to myself...”it will be okay…it will be okay”. Then all of the sudden I couldn’t breath. “What the F…?!” She put steam on my face. It was this little steam making machine that she put like 6 inches from my face. My breathing deepened even further….the mental chant getting louder in my head. Finally she wiped all of the goop off. Finally! It was magical for like a minute until she wiped more on. The steam was still blazing in my face. “It will be okay.”

She then used this little spatula thing to exfoliate my face. She scraped around my eyes, over my forehead, around my mouth, up my cheeks, over my nose, and anywhere else she might have missed. “It will be okay.” Then the steam got turned off. YES! YES! YES! The air cooled and I could breath again. My breathing steadied as she gave my face another nice massage. Then she started massaging my shoulders and arms with this lotion that just kinda sat on top of my skin. I don’t really wear lotion. At all. I hate the way that it feels. At least the kind that doesn’t really absorb into the skin and this stuff felt like Vaseline. It was vile. She finished up by wiping my face down with a towel. That was perfectly okay with me until she started wiping my neck. It took everything in my entire being to not snatch the towel right out of her hands. You can see from the after picture how slimy my face looks. Ugh. 

I don’t know what I was thinking. Really…I don’t. I hate having my face touched. I mean from the depths of my soul I hate it. I can’t stand water on it. I am very selective on what kinds/brand of lotion/sunscreen I put on my face. I keep a towel over the shower curtain so that I can wipe my face off the second I am done cleansing it. I hardly ever allow my head under water the few times a year I go swimming. And my neck? My neck…I can’t even sleep with the blanket tucked up around it. This was by far one of the dumbest ideas I have ever had. I mean ever. Did my face look and feel amazing afterward? No doubt. Would other people love the pampering that it should have been? Absolutely. Will I ever do this again? Not a chance in Hell.

Dear Future Husband,

Please count yourself as one lucky man because this future wife of yours can’t freaking stand facials. We won’t ever fight about my overspending on that kind of treatment.

Love,

Your Future Wife

I Am Enough Just As I Am

Sometimes I am not in the mood (like tonight) to teach my pole classes. I get there...head low. I am tired. I am burned out. I just want to veg out. Do nothing. Talk to no one but I couldn't tonight. I had 2 classes to teach. My pole classes are like magic. They perk me right up. I had great women in my classes and my Level 1 class was a freaking blast! I get so excited when my girls nail a routine or a pole trick. I love hearing the "I can'ts" and the "no ways" only to have them turn around and get it sometimes on the first try. It brings me joy. Their confidence boosts and even after it being only 2 weeks into the class I can already tell a difference in how they feel about themselves. That is so encouraging to me. On top of that the mantra for tonight was, "I am enough just as I am." That is my favorite one! Often, us women, put so much pressure on ourselves to do more. Be better. Try harder. We forget we are human. We aren't super heroes...well not all the time. So...to all you ladies out there...repeat after me, "I am enough just as I am." Okay...now say it again...this time close your eyes and say it out loud...and MEAN IT! Again! Say it again...louder this time. Thank you.

People often ask me why I teach pole classes at Express MiE. I teach it not because it is pole. I teach it because Christie, the owner, put her heart and soul into it so women can come and get their hearts and souls back after being a part of it. That is why I teach pole.

Remember how I got a laser treatment for my spidie veins this past Friday? This. THIS! This is how they look now. Beautiful, huh?

In reality though...all I care about is the end result. The journey may be bumpy and the progress ugly but if it looks great in the end than I am one happy Kathy.

Emotional Hangover

Is it even possible to have one? With how I feel today I would have to definitely say yes. Without talking about the specifics of the situation because I don’t really need to I can address the good that has come out of it.

I started reading a book called Search for Significance by Robert McGee. The middle of last week, after being prompted by the book, I had a very serious conversation with God and asked him to show me things in my life that I need to address. These are imperfections in my personality or triggers within my very essence. Both fortunately and unfortunately, he is a faithful God and did just that. Fortunately because Tres Dias is coming up this weekend and I can finally lay these hurts at His feet never to be picked up again. Unfortunately because it is hard. It is usually only through hurt and pain that you can even begin to recognize the deeper reasons behind it.

On Saturday night I had some judgment get passed against me. I have already written before about that fact that I struggle with feeling judged. Some of the comments were flippant but some of them were intentional. I was hurt. Deeply. One of the people recognized that they had unintentionally hurt me and apologized. That meant so much to me and that hurt was immediately forgiven. The other people didn’t. What did I learn from this? That people are going to judge me no matter what. That is a very obvious fact to most people but somehow missed by me. I guess it is because I try so hard to see people for who they are not what they wear, how they talk or who they hang out with. I don’t feel that any of those things matter. They are just details. I don’t think that God cares about those kinds of details. Not everyone thinks like me. Again…most people have already figured that out. Apparently I missed the memo.  

The first chapter of Search of Significance is on self worth. Fitting? I know. The book is really cool because it is broken into 2 parts, the actual book and a workbook that accompanies it. Last night after feeling somewhat emotionally beat up I laid down to work on it. Oh. My. Gosh. Just what I needed to read. Here are some of the questions that really struck me.

1. How do you define self-worth?
2. Are you glad you are you?
3. Do you have a healthy sense of self worth?
4. Why do we have a basic desire for personal significance? Why does man wrestle with the basic questions Who am I? and Why am I here?

As I really contemplated those questions I finally recognized what I need to do. I need to let go of that hurt completely. How? Why was I so hurt by what they said? Why couldn’t I just let it roll off my back?

I think it all comes down that fact that I thought that they had no right to say what they said or do what they did. Reality is that people do stuff all of the time that they have no right to do. I also struggled with them hiding behind another reason. They made it seem like they were only expressing anything at all out of "concern for other people". It was total fiction made up in their head. What they did was completely uncalled for and undeserved. I was finally able to let the situation go by realizing it was their own insecurities about themselves or God only knows what that prompted them to say or do anything at all. I finally grasped that it is not my job to make them or anyone else, for that matter, feel better about themselves at the expense of who I am. Do I want the people I am around to feel good about themselves? Of course! Is there anything that I can do as an outside person to make it so? Not a chance. That has to come from within their own hearts. Within their own heads. Within themselves. I can’t do it for them and by changing who I am so that they feel better about themselves I am sacrificing me. I did that once before. I won’t EVER do it again.

It is obvious now that while I have come a long way with my self confidence/worth I still have a long way to go. So often people think that I can’t relate to how they feel or what they are going through because they are meeting me after so much change has already taken place. All they have to do is read my blog. My posts at the beginning were very superficial and more like a teenage diary. Slowly over the last year and a half it has morphed into something else completely. I talk about my hurts. I talk about my shortcomings. I admit my wrong doings. I talk about my excitement. Too bad people are so focused on the person that they see today rather than how hard I have worked to become that person. I spent a lot of time staring in the mirror (and still do). It’s hard. It’s hard to look at yourself honestly. It is hard to go to people you respect and ask them their opinions on a situation and to be able to hear that how I handled something is wrong (or sometimes right. I much prefer hearing that but alas...it is not always so...). I have done those things. It sucks.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to be okay with being judged because no matter what, it is going to happen to me. I am open and honest about how I feel about myself, struggles that I have and I have a lot of confident in myself as a person so that makes me an easy target. Add in the tattoos, nose piercing, and pole dancing instructor job and you have a whole nest egg of things to dissect or judge. Would I change any of those things about me? Not in a million years. 

Vain, Veins and The 29 #4

Confessions of a vain girl. I have spider veins. Yes...the 'o' so sexy I look like I am 100...vericose veins. I have had them since I was like 16. They have steadily gotten worse as I have gotten older. Secretly, I have wanted to get rid of them for years. And years. And years. And years. And years. And years. And years. And years. They make me feel self conscious when I wear shorts or skirts. I hate them.

Not too long ago I got introduced to Doozy of a Deal, a company very similar to Groupon except that Doozy is local and gives back a portion of the money that they make to the community. Me likie. Anywho, how do these two topics relate?

The other day they had a special for a company called Lipogenex that gave a HUGE discount to purchase a laser treatment to remove spider veins. Sign. Me. Up. In fact, I bought it on Wednesday and used it today. I was so nervous when I walked in the doors. I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was that I didn't want those veins anymore. I'm not a huge advocate for any kind of cosmestic surgery or the likes but somehow this felt different. Maybe because it was my flaw. Either way, I still feel really vain that I let something so small affect the way that I felt about myself and my legs. Anyway, the doctor was super nice with a very thick accent. He was very professional as he looked my spider vein infested legs over. I asked where they came from. He said something about too much estrogen combined with other things like, being a little heavier. Ouch. He didn't have the gun out yet. That honesty thing stings a little when it is being directed towards you, know what I mean? Onto the photos...

The glasses I had to wear. Freaking sweet, huh? Moving on...

BEFORE

DURING 

AFTER - everywhere the laser touched turned into little tiny blisters .The doctor said something about it breaking up the hemoglobin or something like that. In reality, I don't give a rat's ass as long as it works. It stung a bit but it was only for a second each time he zapped me.

Isn't that waaaaaaaaay sexier than before? I know you are so jealous of the diseased look I have going on right now. Don't worry. This is just a temporary look. The doc said it would go away after a day or two. It better take my spidie veins with it if you know what I mean.  

The Great Slurpee Explosion

I love the drive in theater. I consider it second only to 3D movies. Those are freaking rad. Anywho, last night was the kick off for the men's Tres Dias weekend so B and I went there and then met another friend and her niece and nephew at the drive in. I had the greatest idea to stop by the gas station before we went so we could get whatever snacks we wanted without paying the theater prices. Enter...7 Eleven.

B was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited because she hadn't had a slurpee in years. I wandered the isles looking for what I wanted while she beelined it for the slurpee machine. I looked up and down the isles. She was still at the slurpee machine. I picked out my drink. She was still at the slurpee machine. I picked out my candy (sour patch kid's. YUM!) She was still at the slurpee machine. I finally went over there to see what in the world was going on. The cherry. It was stuck. Everyone knows that you can't have a proper Slurpee without mixing all of the flavors and you most certainly you can't have one without cherry so we went to fixing it. "Push harder," I said. She was standing directly in front of it. I was right next to it. I pushed. She held the cup. I pushed harder. The handle suddenly become unstuck and cherry EXPLODED everywhere. And when I say everywhere I mean EV-ER-Y-WHERE! We had Slurpee in our hair, on our clothes, dripping down our legs and between out toes. Don't believe me? See below.

Told you. It was every-freaking-where. Guess who helped us? No one. Not even the store clerk. In fact, he even had the nerve to tell us that this is what happens when you play with it. Do I look 13?! Also, if you are familiar with Slurpees then you know that they stain. Look at my lovely arm.

Go team CHERRY! Oh and the movie was fun too. Not the best movie I have ever seen but hey...I was at the drive in with great friends. That, in and of itself, makes it beyond fantastic.

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!

I Wanted to Barf...Bad.

Every now and then I think it is a good idea to buy fast food. Not because I like it. Not because I crave it but because I do a little thing called “setting myself up for failure”. AKA: I was so damn hungry I thought I was going to gnaw my arm off if I didn’t get something in my stomach ASAP. So I did what most (not all) red blooded Americans do…I bought a hamburger and fries. I ate it. I then wanted to die. My stomach felt awful. I don’t know why I do that to myself but I do and I always regret it. It is interesting how often we as humans go into situations where we are already thinking this is an awful idea and I shouldn’t do it. I guess it is best that I do it over small stuff like fast food instead of big giant stuff. Actually…come to think of it I do it over big giant stuff too. Oh well.

Remember a while ago when I posted what a magazine whore I was? I think I also wrote about what a book whore I am. I hadn’t ever really given it much thought until I was talking to someone I work with and they asked me if I ever reread any of the books I have on my shelf. I sheepishly replied “no”. I then tried to rationalize to her why I hadn’t by saying something like it is because I still have so many books on my shelf that I haven’t read yet. That made it worse not better. I have decided that I need to read all of the books that I currently have on my self before I can buy more. That is a big feat because I am pretty sure I have at least 30. The book club books don’t count though. I need to buy those but the rest…well…I need to get through the ones I have first. That is going to be tough. I am going to the Women of Faith conference next weekend and let’s just say it is a book lovers dream. Table after table after table of super discounted books on topics that I love reading about. Did I mention table after table after table? Book porn at its finest. Maybe I will start the “can’t buy books until I read all of the ones that I already have rule” after I get back. No reason to set myself up for failure, right? 

Total Crabby Patty

Update photo alert. I will officially be posting update photos on the 28^th. Prepare to be impressed or at least somewhat awed or maybe none of the above. Whatever.

I had forgotten how satisfying it is finishing a book. My goal of reading one big kid book a month totally put a damper on my enjoyment of reading. That’s why I am ultimately giving that up…at least how it was originally designed. Instead I am going to read the book that my book club chooses as well anything else that I feel like reading. What’s the point of doing something if you don’t enjoy it, right?

So yesterday morning my Mom and I headed to the doctors office for her biopsy. The office was beautiful and the staff was beyond nice. We arrived around 7:45am and they took her back around 8:30. Then the wait started. I didn’t hear anything until almost 10:30 (except from my Dad who called twice. It was so cute!). While I sat there I saw a ton of people come in and out. I didn’t know what procedures they were having but I can’t imagine any of them were good. They were all much older than my Mom. Or maybe they weren’t. Maybe I have my Mom stuck in some sort of a time trap where she never ages. That she stays the same no matter how much older either of us get. Regardless…everyone else looked old. My Mom didn’t. It was fascinating watching how people handled themselves. Everyone is obviously not excited to be there. They are getting tests. Who wants that? Some people were nice no matter what. Others were nasty. They were nasty to the nurses, nasty to the other patients. They were just plain nasty. All I could think was how much of a waste that is. You have to do this no matter what so why be ugly to the people that are trying their best to take care of you? 

Might As Well Spank Me Now

I've been so overwhelmed the last couple of days by all the love and friendship that surrounds me. Last Thursday was supposed to be my third wedding anniversary. As most of you could probably guess the divorce kind of got in the way of the celebration of that. In place of the celebration that should have been I taught my pole class as normal and then a friend met me for a workshop at First Thursday's at Express MiE called Release the Past, Enjoy Your Future. What a perfect event to participate in on the day it should have been. The main thing that stood out to me was how far I have come. Some bad stuff has happened to me. I have made some bad choices. I have done some not so great things but they don't define me. I know that but now I really know that. It also reinforced some of the garbage I have to work through. That is okay though because if I ever stops then what is there to live for, right?

Another friend then joined us for dinner to at least acknowledge what should have been but at the same time is no longer. Pizza. I wanted pizza. I knew it was emotional eating. We ate pizza. I don't regret it. 

Afterward we headed over to my place and worked on organizing my life. We talked and talked and talked while my organizing partner went through all of my paperwork. Things that were found: social security card,  insurance card, $100 gift certificate to Rumor's Hair Salon where my stylists works, and more. See what happens when you open your mail? You find loads of good stuff. 

The super great part of the whole experience is we all hung out in my room. That hasn't happened since I was a kid. I have this really great Cal King bed so we were all spread out chatting with 2 file boxes being sorted. I felt like I was 15 again. I loved it! Friday brought a busy day at work and a busy night at the dance studio. It was also Good Friday and I definitely will plan on having the night of Good Friday available to attend a service. It is such an important day and I didn't feel like I had much time to reflect on what it means. Next year will be different. Saturday I spent it with some great women from my Tres Dias team. I am really getting excited about it now! It is going to be A LOT of work but that is just details. The good that will come out of it far dwarves any exhaustion I may experience. Later that night I was able to spend some time at MUM's place working on a project. Thank goodness for her. 

This morning? Wow. I met 2 friends for the Sunrise Easter service at my church. Unfortunately/fortunately I told both of them that the service started at 6:00am. Well...I *may* have been wrong. Okay...I was. It started at 6:30. Thankfully we were able to make it to grab something warm to drink since the service was outside. I know I have mentioned this before but I feel the closest to God when I am outside. For me, what is better than an early morning outside service surrounded by a grove of trees on Easter morning? Nothing. My heart was full and I was in heaven! 

I then stuck around and met a couple more people for the "regular" Easter service. Talk about amazing! I guess I should explain a little bit about why Easter is extra special to me. 5 years ago I was in college and waiting tables. I know I have talked about my mentors before but this is where they entered my life. They came in every week, week after week and talked to me. So often Christians think that they have to cram God and the Bible down peoples throat in order to show the love of God. I am living proof how incorrect that is. They never talked to me about God. Don't get me wrong they weren't void of the presence of God. They just didn't need to beat me over the head with it. One day a couple weeks before Easter in 2006 they invited me to church. I said yes. I went that Easter Sunday and never stopped going. I have changed a couple of churches and been a part of a couple of small groups but the one remaining part has been them. They have been an important part of my life for the last 4 years. I was trying to explain them once because people often have a hard time understanding how they fit in. My Mom explained it best. She calls them my God parents. She said that some people are given God parents when they are born but I was given them later in my life and they were sent directly from God. So true. That is now how I explain them. They are my God parents. Anywho, GM (my God Mother, the wife), joined me this morning. It was nice celebrating my 4th anniversary with her. Very fitting actually. It warmed my heart. Anywho, the "regular" service was breathtaking. When we walked in we could see a large 8' x 8' white matte board at the back of the stage. Weird but I'll come back to it later.

The series we have been going through is called Easter Colors: How Jesus Makes Things Beautiful. Last week my pastor shared about how too often Christians spend too much time being reverent and not enough time celebrating. As you all may be able to tell I am a celebrator. I get criticized about it sometimes but I don't give a hoot about them. As I have said before....it isn't about them anyway. This week was very different. My pastor took us through the three days from crucifixion to Christ being raised from the dead. He explained the first day as dark, the second day as grey and the 3rd day as brilliant and full of color. How true! When my God parents first met me my life was dark. Very dark. As they got to know me it slowly started to turn to grey and Easter 2006 it was finally filled with color. Thank goodness they had the courage to ask me to the Easter service. That one invitation completely changed my life. Now to bring it to present day...

In todays Easter service my pastor shared a story that he had heard from another pastor about the 5 year old little girl that lived next door to him. The story goes that the little girl had just received a brand new tricycle. Her mom took her outside and told her to look at the neighbors driveway to the left and the neighbors driveway to the right and she said, "now don't ride past either of those driveways or you're going to get a spanking." He goes onto the say that the little girl slowly back her tricycle back up the driveway and looks at her mom and says, "well you might as well spank me now because that isn't much room and I have places to go and people to see." I laughed hard at the end of that story because I could relate and then my GM turned to me laughing and said, "That's you!". I laughed harder. I love laughter. People don't do it enough.

To conclude this whole experience here is what the 8' x 8' was all about....at the beginning of the service a tall lanky fellow walked to the back of the stage and started painting. He first painted a scene of darkness with a tomb and the then slowly started adding color. Through the singing...he painted. Through the sermon...he painted. On and on he worked. You could see how hard he was working. He was sweating. In a little over an hour he was able to create this. 

The freaking singer wouldn't get out of the way so sorry. At the end of the service the pastor gave the artist a chance to share what is meant. He said it symbolized both the Sun rising and the Son rising. Wow. The point to all of this is life is good and God is great. Happy Easter everyone!  

When faced with a mountain, I will not quit!

My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in her left breast in 2001. A week before 9/11. I lived in Coeur d'Alene, ID at the time. I arrived home the day before her surgery and left shortly thereafter. Fortunately they caught her cancer extremely early so she was spared chemotherapy and radiation. What she was not spared though was a mastectomy. That's the part I was there for. The surgery. The thing about cancer is the scare never goes away and once you have it you get checked over and over and over again just to make sure that it doesn't come back. That's where we are at right now. More checking.

I went with my Mom for her ultrasound yesterday. They were checking on a spot they found in her mammogram. We arrived at the appointment and I found myself agitated with her. Her driving on the way over made me crazy. I couldn't figure it out. She was the same. It was me that was bothered. The gal had her lay on the table and I watched the screen as she did the ultrasound. I found myself completely fascinated as I watched the screen. I remember thinking, "What a cool job! You get to see inside someone to try to figure out what is going on and where. Blah. Blah. Blah." Then it hit me. She was hunting for dark spots. Dark spots that could be cancer. In my Mom. It lost its magic.

We got to the end of the appointment and the ultrasound was inconclusive. Biopsy on Monday. Great. As we were waiting to talk to the nurse to schedule the procedure my Mom said something like, "I'm tired of doing this." I asked her if she ever found herself wishing they would finally just find cancer in the other breast so she could just get it over and done with. She said, "Yes but then it makes me feel guilty to think that." How awful. Year after year going to test after test that could either change your life once again or just make you anxious for a couple weeks and then go through it again the next year. I never gave enough thought to how mentally and emotionally draining getting something like this is. Yesterday I was granted the gift of empathy. Now when a woman tells me about her situation I have something to relate it to. It just plain sucks.

We got ice cream afterward. My Mom got plain ole' chocolate and I got rocky road. I was still somewhat agitated. I didn't know why and I didn't want to risk passing it on so I didn't say much. I had a level 1 pole class that night that I rode my bike to. I'm not sure if I have shared this before but when I roller blade or bike it is my God time. I talk to him. I'm kind of a weird prayer like that. I talk like he is sitting right next to me. Some people think I am too casual but I don't care. It's not about them. Anywho, I was talking while I rode and finally figured it out. I wasn't here for the beginning stuff last time. I found out over the phone and was so far removed from the situation that when I arrived I could easily be the support. This time was different. I was there as my Mom had to undress from the waist up. I was there as the technicial told her she had to get a biopsy. I was there as they talked about the risks. I was there as they talked about the procedure. It's not fun.

I apologized to my Mom this morning for being agitated and, blessedly, she hadn't noticed. She knows now because I told her but I didn't let it leak into my interaction with her yesterday. That would have been terrible if I did. I also checked with her to make sure it was okay that I wrote about this and she said yes.

Action Time: If you want to help/be a part I am going to be doing the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on October 10, 2010. I'm going to form a team again but do a better job organizing it. I would love for a ton of people to come out and walk with my Mom and I. Think about it and I'll post more when they open registration.

To finish this post the following quote made me think of my Mom.

“When faced with a mountain, I will not quit! I will keep striving until I climb over, find a pass through, tunnel underneath or simply stay and turn the mountain into a gold mine, with God's help.” ~ Robert Half