You Here for the Show?

The gun show! Bam!

UPDATE PHOTOS

Ta-da!

This Is How I Do...

I follow quite a few blogs and talk to people all the time about everything that has to do with health and self care. There is a trend that I have noticed lately…people put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect and it breaks my heart. Here's the reality about me. I have been working at losing (getting rid of is a better word because losing implies that I need to find it again) weight for a year and a half now. That's a long time. Almost 550 days to be exact. Could I have lost the weight faster if I had been perfect? Yes. Am I perfect? Not even close. I'm human. Being human and perfection can't exist at the same time. It's just not possible. I have lost weight before. Really fast. I weighed and measured all of my food (around 1200 calories per day). Ate the exact same things at the exact same time every single day. Exercised relentlessly. I had the "perfect body" and I was miserable. Ultimately I stopped everything at one time because it had moved from being a desire to being an obsession. I gained all of the weight back plus some. I essentially found that weight I "lost".

This time I have steadily got rid of weight over these past 18 months…gained some back and have now gotten rid of that plus some more. This weight shedding thing is a journey not a destination. Once I get to my "perfect" size I will still have to work hard to maintain it the same as I did to get rid of it in the first place. I don't view me shedding weight as the end all be all to my happiness. Yes, I have gained a lot of confidence but it comes more from the accomplishment of actually sticking (which I have never done before) to my goal instead of throwing my hands up 6 weeks in when I'm not seeing results fast enough. It took time for me to get fat. It is going to take time to reverse that.

I was talking to a girlfriend a couple weeks ago and mentioned that I wasn't bikini ready yet but I would go to the pool because she wanted to. Her response? That comments like that discourage her because she wants to get rid of weight too and it sucks to realize that just because you get rid of weight it doesn't solve all your problems. For example, I still have relatively low self confidence. Is it way better than it was before? Hands down. Is it perfect? It can't be. I'm human.

It is hard being a woman. There is so much pressure from society that you have to do all of these things to be considered acceptable but it just isn't HUMANLY possible. You'll never be able to please all of the people that feel like they need to be pleased. EVER! Don't believe me? For you married gals out there…remember planning your wedding? I had 7 people at my wedding and still couldn't get it right. My mother-in-law was mad that MUM and my brother were going to watch my step son for our honeymoon. My family was mad that I didn't invite my siblings but my brother-in-law came (I was wrong about that one. Sorry guys but you'll be at the next one which will be WAY better than the first). Not to mention all of the other things that people thought I should have done. Pleasing everyone just can't be done. It is impossible. I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E.

Some women get so busy with all of the other stuff in their life that they start eating a lot of quick meals that tend to be higher in calories and the other not so great stuff. I know I did that. Lot's of Hamburger Helper and the likes. I also have fallen into the trap of fast food. Buy something real quick on my way to my next blah blah. The thing is…what could possibly be more important than your health?! People spend so many hours on so many other things but what about the one thing that every single person needs to live a healthy productive life? Your HEALTH!

Or there are the people that take it so far the other direction and beat the living hell out of themselves. Exercising for hours upon hours. Cutting their calories more and more and more just trying to achieve their perfection. I get questions all the time asking about how I did it. I have changed and adjusted and started and stopped and added and subtracted and succeeded and not succeeded at dozens of things.

Here is what I am currently doing:

1. I don't beat myself up when I mess up.
2. I only do things that I enjoy (no stair master for me because I HATE it)
3. I go to the gym every morning M-F for NO MORE than 30 minutes including stretching.
4. I teach pole at least once a week.
5. I bike, roller blade or walk as many places as I can. This serves 2 purposes. It makes me less dependent on my car and I get fun exercise in.
6. I make time for my health.
7. I change my goals constantly to account for things I thought would work but end up not working at all and vice versa.
8. I try everything once. Who would have known that I would have fallen in love with biking except that I stepped out and tried it?
9. I stopped trying to please others.
10. I stopped making excuses and started making myself a priority. 

I didn't write this post to shame anyone or make anyone feel guilty. I simply wrote it because it breaks my heart how much women seem to loathe themselves. How they run themselves ragged doing a bunch of stuff that may not actually be that important in the long run all while sacrificing the #1 tool they have been given to get the job done…their body.

To set the record straight:

1. I have not done anything special.
2. I have not done anything unattainable.
3. I am not perfect.
4. I do not view myself as a fitness guru.
5. I am not even close to perfect.
6. I accepted myself for who I am.
7. I have allowed myself to change courses.
8. I stopped seeing things that didn't work as failures and instead saw them as exactly what they are…things that didn't work for me.
9. I stopped comparing myself to other women. (The biggest thing that helped that was I stopped reading all celebrity gossip and beauty magazines)
10. I stopped looking at caring for myself as selfish.
11. I accepted that I am not perfect (have you noticed I wrote that a couple times? Must be an important one…)

 Opinions? 

Go Me!

I've been accused of being selfish…on multiple occasions. Do you know what the main logic behind them calling me that was? "Just look at the title of your blog." Each time that has happened I have stopped and evaluated my life. Is it true? Am I selfish? Do I think too much about myself? Round and round I would go until I ultimately came to the conclusion that no, I am not selfish. I am just a girl who has realized that she has flaws and is working very hard and very publicly to fix them.

Also, why is it considered selfish to think of yourself as important? Over and over again I have women approach me and say that they "wish they could do what I have done". Why? I haven't done anything special. All I have done is stopped putting myself dead last. I'm useless when I am tired, overworked, stressed, anxious, upset and any of those other words that I was. I hated myself. From the second I got up in the morning to the second I went to bed I spent every waking hour making sure that everyone else was well cared for and doing great. You know who looked after me? Do you know who was there trying to make sure that I was doing great? No one. Absolutely no one. Through no fault of their own. They never asked me to put myself last. They never said that I shouldn't care about me. I created that world. All I did when I started this whole journey was stop putting myself last. So to all the nay sayers out there that like to call me selfish I answer…"No, I'm not. I'm important too. It just took me 28 years to figure it out. I am proud that I am my own biggest cheer leader. I need someone to believe in me and if I don't do it then who will?"

Food for thought from a SparkPeople article: If "putting yourself first" (a common admonition) sounds too selfish or too hard, try something simpler: put yourself on an equal footing with those you love and tend to.

It Happened

I have spent so much of my life always focusing on the tomorrow. Always focusing on the next step. When I lose weight then I will be happy. It is always the "When I …. Then I …." In fact, I was doing it again yesterday. I was texting Gem back and forth and I mentioned how much I want to be done with my job and she essentially reminded me to stay present…that me working for 2 more weeks is going to supply me with more money and more time to get everything ready. I stopped short when I read that.

I'm tired of living my life waiting for tomorrow. I like today. My today's are awesome. My today yesterday was filled with work, buying some dog food for Maddie, commenting on some blogs that I follow, texting Gem and then it all changed. I stopped looking at my day as just trying to get through it. I decided that because we have had such wonderful weather that I needed to crack Roxy out again. I've been neglecting her. We have spent hardly anytime together these last couple of months. As I started riding I could feel myself relaxing. And then…AND THEN…I discovered a new trail. It took me off of the main road and wound me through some pretty scenery right in the middle of the city. That's when IT HAPPENED…I fell in love with my city.

I have written before that I wanted to move. I always seem to want what I don't have. If I live in Washington I want Arizona. If I live in Arizona then I want Washington. It has been a pattern over and over and over and over and over in my life. I am never satisfied with what I have. I want to be thinner, smarter, faster, slower, younger, older, happier, etc… I never want what I already have.

Recently I decided that I wasn't going to move. I like being by my family and like the fact that I can wear flip flops year round. I know that sounds trite but I am never in shoes. The second I get in my car, house, office, dance studio, whatever my shoes come off. I don't like shoes. Arizona allows me to be shoe free. Oh and I have really great friends and family around me at all times but…maybe if I lived in a house I would be happier or maybe if I lived closed to Phoenix I would be happier or maybe if I lived upstairs I would be happier. You know what I discovered yesterday? I'm happy with exactly where I am right now…loud neighbors who call me Katherine and all.

I love the fact that I can walk to the grocery store in 5 minutes. I love that I can walk out my front door and I have the option of 3 pools to go lay by. I love the fact that I can be at my parents house in a matter of minutes. I love that I can ride my bike to teach pole dancing. I love that I am surrounded by the best friends and family a person could ever have. I. LOVE. MY. LIFE. I've never said and meant that before.

I had lunch with my friend Joe yesterday and he kept commenting on happy I looked. I am happy. In fact, I have never ever been happier. I am getting ready to take a huge step in faith and I could fail miserably but you know what? I am so blessed that I have the faith to do it to begin with.

Moral of the story? It happened and I couldn't be happier.

Black Thumb

Good news! I found out that there will someday be an end to all of my problems. Isn't that great?! One day I literally will have nothing to complain about. Nothing will bother me. Life will be 100% problem free. Guess when? When I die. Nice thought, huh? Technically though...it is completely true. When are you really ever going have absolutely no problems with work, family, friends, kids, home, car, etc...? Problems are everywhere. It is what you do with them that counts.

God has a funny sense of humor. He really does. I was again asked last minute to cover working graphics in all three services and AGAIN I needed to hear the message three times. I am so excited to move onto designing and dancing full time but at the same time I am terrified that I will end up on my face. All of the what ifs are slowly creeping in and pushing the faith out. Apparently God wanted to nip that right in the bud. For some reason I listed but didn't REALLY listen the first service until the end. My pastor invited everyone to actually kneel down in place and pray. My ears perked right up. I had seen stuff like that when I attended Catholic church a couple times but I had never really seen it aside from that. Sitting in the back I watched at most of my church stood, turned and knelt down facing their seats. It was dead silent for 5 or more minutes aside from our worship pastor playing the acoustic guitar. They then ended the service in song. I was awestruck. I listened better the second service and actually prayed instead of watching the crowd and finally God got the message through to me in the last service. That time I actually knelt down with everyone and prayed. Man. Talk about powerful...

Here are some highlights from the sermon:

Maybe your problems are an invitation from God to pray.
Often we don't trust God because we don't trust other people. We think He will fail us the way they fail us.
Sometimes we pray once and give up because God doesn't answer it right away. We need to be persistent. Beat on the doors of heaven so to speak.

That was quite a reality check for me. After working the services I headed home so I could grab a quick nap before Bible study. I didn't get to sleep after I went back to bed this morning so I needed a quick cat nap. My quick cat nap ended with me waking up 45 minutes AFTER I was supposed to be at Bible study. Boo. I was so disappointed because I love my Bible study group. They are going to do a recap for me though which will help because we are studying creation and today was day 6. Kinda important.

I learned something about myself tonight. I was showing a friend how I grocery shop today and I realized some big...I love grocery shopping. Well...I knew that part but I finally figured out why. I view grocery shopping as church for my body. What I fill my body with is what my body will become so I want to buy things that will make my body better. I want to offer my body the best there is. I don't want good enough. I want the best. I also bought my first plant I have bought in a long time. You see...I kill everything. I mean EVERYTHING. This time I decided to go a different route and get a useful plant. I bought a basil plant. I'm going to repot it and I'll try to post pictures tomorrow. It smells SO good. The fascinating part is the entire HUGE plant cost me less than a precut package. I would much rather have fresh off the plant for the price plus it is the gift that keeps on giving. Wish me and my black thumb good luck!

Dear Electricity...I Need You

I need white noise to sleep. I generally have the AC and a standing fan both going this time of year. Right now? I got nothing. It was kinda funny how it happened. Well...not really HOW it happened cause I'm not sure how it happened but after it happened I laid in bed awake but completely confused. It took me like 5 minutes for it to actually register that my AC was off, my fan was off and my alarm clock was dead. Apparently the battery is dead in my alarm clock. Good to know. Here are some interesting facts about my apartment without electricity: my neighbor's dog literally barks ALL NIGHT LONG, I can hear my neighbor upstairs pee, Maddie can sleep through anything, my neighbor's in the building across from me party at all hours of the night, candles are something that are often taken for granted as just decoration pieces but really do serve a purpose, I have never seen more of my neighbors at one time as I did tonight at 3 in the morning and my cell phone works as a good flashlight if the need were to ever occur like...for example...tonight. Oh and my apartment looks exactly the same now as when the AC was on but for some reason knowing that the electricity is off completely freaks me out. It makes no sense whatsoever but there it is.

I guess now is as good a time as any to share about my incredible weekend. Friday I attended the YOBfair and it rocked my world. I really thought it was going to be useless. I went because my Mom and sister told me about it and because my Mom was also going. We arrived and immediately I was like..."I knew it. It is just a huge fair to try to get us to use the vendors that paid to be there. Ugh. " That part may have been true but within the first speaker I had already gotten enough out of it to make the trip to Deer Valley worth it. It was a gal that spoke on the importance of networking. When she first started talking I had already kinda checked out mentally because I was of the opinion that networking was just a bunch of people trying to figure out how they could use each other. No. Thank. You. She completely changed my perspective. She acknowledged that it is a good way to get your name out there but if there is no connection at least on a personal level that you should move on. I also realized that I network all the time but I think of it as developing friendships. I tucked that talk into my mental pocket and moved onto the first workshop with my Mom.

It was advertising and marketing first. Both subjects I know quite a bit about. I got some great information none the less. Then we moved onto a more advertising specific workshop. It was mind blowing. The guy presenting was totally speaking my language. He just made sense. The main thing that I remember off the top of my head is to say your fee without apology. That once you start justifying what you are worth it shows the person you are talking to that you don't think you are worth it. Huh. I tell my fee without apology but I have already gotten the..."Wow! That's too expensive." With my 2 pages of notes from that workshop my Mom and I made our way outside for lunch. After we ate I headed back in to use the bathroom and as I walked out I noticed that the guy was still in the room with people talking to him. I started to make my way outside and I literally felt like God yelled at me to turn around and head back in there. I hesitated for a second and then turned around. I was kind of nervous because I didn't have a specific question for him. By the time I reached the line I did. There were 2 people in front of me. I patiently waited while the first person finished and then as the second lady asked her question he invited her closer. I invited myself into the conversation. The 4 of us stood and talked for a long while. Ultimately I asked him what to do when people baulk at my rate. His response? Give them a good place to go for work that cheap because they aren't the client for me. Huh. So simple. I excused myself because I realized that I had been standing there for a long time and didn't want my Mom to worry that I had fallen in the toilet or something and I remembered that this awful woman had attached herself to my Mom. I literally excused myself with the following line, "I am really enjoying this conversation but I must extract myself. I left my Mom sitting next to someone awful and need to go rescue her." The guy laughed and told me I owed her a drink.

The next workshop we attended was USELESS but as we walked around to find our last workshop the guy I had been talking to waved me over to the booth he was at. It was the Arizona Small Business Association (ASBA). We launched into another 30 or so minutes of conversation. My Mom went onto the next workshop without me. He told me I now owed her 2 drinks. He also told me (Mom, I totally forgot to tell you this part!) that there was no way that was my Mom. She looked way too young. I said she got the Peter Pan gene. He told me I was lucky because I would too. I said that I think she is stealing my years because people ask me all the time if I am 35 but I really only 29. He laughed and we moved on in our conversation. I basically just opened my notebook as he walked me through a list of everything I need to do. People to make contacts with and what not. We were interrupted twice and the second time he actually had to go so I finally made my way into the last workshop. Taxes. I learned 2 things in that workshop.

1. I need my own LLC or else my friend Jen and I have to file out taxes together. No thanks.

2. I have no desire to do any of this on my own so I need to find a good CPA I trust to work it all out for me. 

In the end I joined the ASBA and requested the guy I had spoken as my mentor through their free mentorship program. I'm so excited for the future! I really feel like I am going to be able to do this and do it well. What a fantastic feeling!

Well...the AC just turned back on. I better try to get another hour of sleep in. I have to be at church by 7:00 to do graphics until noon and then I have a full afternoon. Good night all!

Busted.

I love the internet. I really do. 2 of my cousins who I haven't seen a whole lot of in the last 10 or so years were down from Utah this week. I was able to go and chat with them for a couple of hours and it felt completely natural. We are friends on Facebook and follow each others blogs so we are in the know of what is going in in each others lives. I loved it! It felt like we have seen each other everyday. I will get to see them again next month and I am sure it will feel just as comfortable. Sometimes I get discouraged by how connected I am all the time (my own fault). I am on my phone all the time and the computer for work everyday but you know what...I wouldn't change it for all the world because technology also allows me to be connected to them. I would hate to not have that. 

Speaking of technology...Natalie totally busted me the other day...I am waaaaaaaay overdue for pictures. I will either do them tomorrow or keep on the 28th theme and do them next week. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. 

I am attending a YOBfair with my Mom tomorrow. It is a Your Own Business fair. Isn't that clever?! Anywho, it will be a whole day of learning. I can totally get behind that.

I also got busted by the girls in my book club in Friday. They told me that this post the other day was discouraging. That was totally not my point but after reading it I can see what they meant. I tried to justify it by saying that new people are welcome they just need to have proper gym etequite. They responded with, "what if they don't know what it is?" DOH! I have been working out for so long that I have just taken for granted the knowledge that I have. So...if I discouraged anyone...I sincerely apologize. That was not my intention. Also, to the ladies in my book club...you were right and as promised I posted a good gym etiquete article below.


Gym Etiquette
How to behave at the gym
By Paige Waehner, About.com Guide

Oh my. That's what I was saying to myself at the gym the other day as I got on a treadmill and noticed the glistening puddles of sweat left behind from a previous exerciser. Sigh.

Anytime you smush groups of sweaty people together in small spaces, there are bound to be problems and, though there may not be rules posted around the gym for how to act, there are some unspoken rules that all of us should be familiar with, whether we're veteran exercisers or we're just starting out.
The Basics

While it's perfectly acceptable to sweat, grunt and make mean faces while working out, there are a few behaviors that aren't acceptable. Here are just a few rules for getting along with your fellow exercisers:
Share. If you're doing multiple sets on a machine, it's common courtesy to let others work in during your rest periods. This may not always be practical, but offer to share whenever you can.

• Clean up After Yourself. My biggest pet peeve is someone who walks away from a machine, leaving a slimy pool of sweat behind. Thanks! Always bring a towel with you and wipe the machines down when you're finished. Most gyms offer wipes or sprays strategically located around the gym for this purpose.
• Leave no trace. My next biggest pet peeve is the person who leaves six million pounds on the leg press machine. I don't know, maybe I look stronger than I am. The point is, always put your weights back when you're finished.
• Don't hog the treadmill. Many gyms have time limits on cardio machines during busy hours. There's a reason for that, and you should obey it. And no, throwing your towel over the display doesn't fool me.
• Keep it down. Most gym-goers I know have seen That Guy. The one pumping away on the treadmill while screaming into a cell phone. Unless it's an emergency, save your chat-time for after your workouts.
• Cover it up. I respect the confidence that allows some people to walk around the locker room naked. Know what else I respect? Seeing you wearing a towel after your shower to keep the locker room a comfortable place for everyone.

Aside from practicing good manners at the gym, you also want to make sure your workouts are safe and effective. Use the following tips for navigating the confusing world of gym workouts.
How to Workout at the Gym

There are days when I cringe watching people workout. I see people flinging weights wildly, dropping heavy weights on the floor, hanging onto treadmills for dear life and just generally using bad form with their exercises. Here are a few tips for getting an effective workout without hurting yourself:
Use good form. Good form is different depending on what exercise you're doing but, in general, good form includes the following:

• Don't swing your weights. Unless you're doing a sports specific workout, use slow and controlled movements. If you have to heave the weight up, it's too heavy.
• Don't drop or throw the weights down. That's a great way to break a toe--yours or someone else's. If you're using a heavy weight, have a spotter nearby to help you.
• Don't lock your joints. When you get to the end of a motion--like a squat--keep your joints soft to avoid hurting yourself.
• Don't slump. Keep your abs engaged during all of your exercises and stand up straight to avoid injury and get the most out of your exercises.
• Let go of the rails. It's tempting to take your treadmill speed/incline up so high, you have to hold on for dear life. I'm not sure why that's tempting, but it apparently is since a lot of people do it. You'll get a better workout if you let your arms swing naturally. Unless you need the rails to keep your balance and stay safe, keep your speed and incline at a level where you can comfortably let go.
• Learn how to use the machines properly. I've seen people doing crunches on a leg press machine. If you don't know how a machine works, either look at the diagrams on the machine or ask someone to show you how it works. Most gym-goers are happy to help.
• Learn how to set up a good workout for your goals. Rather than just showing up at the gym and randomly picking machines, have a plan before you walk in the door. This might mean hiring a trainer or educating yourself about the basics of exercise. Or visit my Workout Center for ideas.
• Learn how to monitor your intensity. Since I started training, I've seen more than a few people puke after working too hard on the cardio machines. Beginner's often aren't sure of how much they can handle and end up working too hard, exercising too soon after eating or exercising without having eaten at all, all of which can cause stomach problems. Educate yourself on how to monitor your intensity and the right way to begin a cardio program.

Being a newcomer to a health club is tough for anyone, even veteran exercisers, especially when you're not sure how things work. Things will typically go much more smoothly if you take the time to follow the rules, be a pleasant gym-goer and, most of all, learn how to set up a safe, effective program. You'll be much more more likely to keep showing up for your workouts and make some new friends with like-minded people.

I Struck Gold

Yesterday was both awful and extremely satisfying. On Tuesday night I was at Jen's and we were working on our logo. All of the sudden I didn't feel the greatest but thought I was just tired. I was then up off and on that night. By Wednesday morning I felt terrible. I called off of work and continued sleeping until 5:00pm. That's right folks. I slept from 11:00pm Tuesday night until 5:00pm Wednesday night and the ONLY reason I woke up at all was to go to an interview I had prescheduled. It was magical. I didn't get up to eat and barely got up to pee. Just Maddie and I sleeping the day away. I was then asleep by 11:00pm last night. Mind you I am up at 4:00am (an hour early) this morning but hey...

Here's the fascinating thing about the whole interview last night...over a year ago Christie, the owner of Express MiE, gave me a pair of ballroom dance shoes. Someone had brought them into the studio and asked her to give them to someone who would use them. She chose me. I never used them. They have sat in my closet since that day and I have felt guilty about it. When I started the whole giant purge this last time I almost added them to the pile. Good thing I didn't because in addition to teaching pole at Express MiE and doing my freelance design I am also going to be teaching ballroom dance. That's right! I am going to be a ballroom dance instructor. I'm so excited! 

Here's the thing...I have secretly loved ballroom for years. I tried to sign up with my husband when we were married and quit after the first class because he was too serious about it and I didn't want him to ruin it for me. I have taken some waltz (my favorite) and used to teach West Coast Swing and 2 Step. I also used to joke that if I could compete in ballroom I would do it in a heartbeat. Well...I'm soon going to be able to do just that. A year ago when Christie gave me those shoes I never would have guessed this is the path I would have ended up on. What a blessing I get to be able to do what I love. As to not burn out I am not starting my training until June 7th at the Fred Astaire studio in Chandler. I will have an intense 3-4 weeks of training where I will be dancing 3+ hours a day to learn the dance syllabus. Seriously...I get to dance Every. Single. Day. For HOURS!  I feel like I struck gold. It took me a bit to calm down enough that I could go to sleep last night. I just kept thinking that over and over and over again...I get to teach dance everyday. How lucky am I?! 

I Resigned

Well…technically I put my resignation in but there it is folks…my big news…I am leaving my stable job to pursue my passion of graphic design. Oh and dance but that one is kind of a given. Oh and I am going to be giving makeup lessons at Express MiE. Anywho, here are the details about my resignation:

I got to work early last Monday morning and with resignation letter in hand I went in to talk to my boss. I don't think I could have hoped for it to have gone any smoother. He was disappointed yet extremely proud of me. It was actually a bittersweet experience. Bitter because I finally have the best boss on the planet. No seriously…Best. Boss. Ever. Sweet because my friend Jen and I have talked about doing thing for years. And when I mean years I truly means YEARS…over 4 to be exact. I finally just reached the point that it wasn't working doing a little design here and there on the side so it was time to buck up and do it. All in. All or nothing. All. In.

It was kinda funny because Jen didn't know I was doing it. I texted her later that day and said "I just resigned so…" We have been on the move ever since. As you all know we have been struggling to come up with a business name. We have waffled back and forth and never could come up with something that sang to us. As I was walking to my house Tuesday afternoon I called out to God that I knew that in the whole scheme of things this wasn't that big of a deal but if he could help us come up with something that would be rad. It is hard to design a website and business cards without a logo and it is impossible to design a logo when you don't have a name. My answer came just a few short hours later when Jen and I were talking. I suddenly burst out with Kumo. She asked me why and I said it is the first 2 letters of her last name and the first 2 letters of my last name. She burst out laughing because some people call her J-Ku. I could also relate because my Work Husband Bob calls me KatMo. There we had it…our name…Kumo Designs.

The next morning shortly after I told Ivonne about the name she forwarded me a link. Guess what Kumo means in Japanese? You seriously aren't going to believe it. It means spider. Well that and cloud but I am choosing to focus on spider since a lot of what we are planning on doing is web design. Isn't that so awesome! It was another reminder that God does care about the details. Jen and I are almost 90% on our logo. I should be able to post it up by Wednesday. YEAH!

So as you all can probably guess I have a lot on my plate right now. I need to figure out the logistics of paying bills and getting health insurance. There is so much to get done but it all seems to be coming together so quickly. God is good.

If anyone needs something designed just let me know...I know a good designer. ;)

I'll Do It Tomorrow...No Really...I Will

I am a self professed procrastinator. I have talked about it on multiple occasions and I have actually come to grips with it. Lately I have done a lot of things that I have been procrastinating about for months but still the desire to procrastinate lingers. That's why I found this following article on SparksPeople so funny. The article is kinda long so I posted the 2 parts that I found the most useful in illustrating the thinking of a procrastinator and 6 steps to help yourself procrastinate less.

Confessions of a Reformed Procrastinator
Break the Energy-Sapping Cycle
By Mike Kramer, Staff Writer

Here's what happened: On the way to work, I stopped at the intersection at the end of our street. On that corner is a mailbox, and I had three letters in the car to mail. Being late for work, though, my first thought – as it has been for years – was "I'm in a hurry, I'll just mail them at lunchtime." But instead of driving on, I stopped my procrastinating self. I realized that I was actually prepared to take 5-10 minutes out of my lunch hour, get back in my car, slog through traffic, and run to the post office – just for the sake of not having to do it right now. Such is the irrational nature of a procrastinator.

1. When in doubt, act.
2. Erase your To-Do List every day or week and start over. Running lists end up with items that stick around too long, sink to the bottom and end up as invisible as Lincoln's ghost.
3. Hang around action-oriented people. People with energy often have a thrill for life, and it's easy to pick up some of that spirit.
4. Get plenty of exercise and sleep. Nothing makes you want to put things off more than feeling groggy or drained.
5. Filter down and simplify. Does everything on your To-Do List belong there? As lists get longer, we procrastinators can freeze up and not know which way to turn first.
6. Right now – before you read the next paragraph – go do something you put off earlier today…There, doesn't that feel better? Remember and cherish that feeling. 

I literally burst into laughter when I read the mail story. No…seriously…welcome to my world. I do crap like that ALL. THE. TIME. Also, that list should be my procrastinators Bible. I am going to print the list and put it above my desk. Here are my thoughts on the steps above.

1. It seems so simple yet I will waffle back and forth about the fact that I need to do something when most often I could have done it in the time I was thinking about it.
2. This will revolutionize to my life! I write these lists that go on and on and on and on and on. By erasing them at the end of every day or week (haven't decided which I will do yet) it will make me more intentional about what I choose to spend my time doing.
3. CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!
4. I am doing good on exercise but still struggle on the sleep part. I am going to bed earlier so hopefully that will bring me right along.
5. I am the queen of writing really long lists and then getting freaked out about it all and freezing up. Maybe by doing #2 it will change this for me. Maybe I should go back to writing my list for the next day right before I go to sleep? That will do 2 things. 1. Empty my head of everything I may be thinking about and 2. I will me more realistic about what I can actually accomplish in a day and what really needs to be done. Hmmm….this has potential.
6. You know what is so funny about this one? I was literally sitting at my computer while reading this article thinking about how I should go to the kitchen and make my oatmeal but being too lazy to actually do it. So…I got up and made my oatmeal for this one.

I have to say…I think it takes so much more effort to procrastinate then to actually just do the stuff I need to do. Sometimes I need a fire lit under my hiney to get things done and this article definitely provided it. Oh and I just printed that list to go above my desk because I knew that I would procrastinate doing that too.

Happy Friday everyone!

P.S. Much to my dismay I must wait until Monday to make my big announcement. Let me tell you…it is taking the wind out of my sails a little bit. Boo.

GET OUT!

I want people to get healthy…no really…I do…just not at my gym. It makes me feel so awful admitting that but all of the sudden the "let's get in shape for the summer" crowd has invaded my 5:30am workout and I don't like it one bit. They use all of the equipment, leave everything everywhere, and are so loud that I can hear them through the music playing on my iShuffle. I like my routines. I get to the gym, stretch and go through my workout pretty much without interruption but lately I have to wait for equipment or move a bunch of stuff to get to what I need. It makes me cranky. At least it is only going to last for a little while longer then we can get back to normal until the New Year.

With the help of SparkPeople I have literally jump started my weight loss. I love it! I like accumulating the points for reading articles (which I would to anyway) and for tracking my food. I am eating a lot more consciously now that I am tracking my food again. I mean A LOT more consciously. I try to balance my meals so that I get the right amount of fat, carbs and protein. The greatest part of all is that the website tracks it all for me. I have also been eating a lot more fruits and vegetables. Last night I went to a girlfriend's house for dinner where she made a lovely stir fry with shrimp. That would be a big ole' plate of "trip to the hospital" for me so I had to pass. She felt awful so she made me a yummy salmon filet and some frozen veggies. As I looked at the veggies (corn, carrots and green beans) I thought about the classiest way to eat just the corn. I decided to put my big girl panties on and just eat all my veggies and low and behold…I freaking loved them. I loved them so much I am going to make a trip to Costco to pick up my own 6 pound bag. They were crisp and tasty. I couldn't believe it! I ate cooked veggies!

Tonight will be a night of getting my house in order again. The last 3 days I have gotten home from work and immediately napped until it was time for whatever night time activity I had. Talk about feeling like a bump on a log. The sleep has been magical but I feel useless. I'm hoping it is just a side effect of the antidepressants or better yet that my body if finally recognizing that I am, in fact, actually slowing down so it is relaxing to the point of getting to where it should be. My sleep at night has also vastly improved. I am not to the point of waking up rested but it is getting better and better everyday. WOOHOO!

I also thought I should share that I got my last set of blood work back and it looks as though the Hoshimoto's isn't actually gone. I have elevated anti-body levels again. It is weird because my thyroid is just fine. My doctor and I are going to discuss it when I meet with her later this month. Boo.

Oh and I am only a day away from sharing my exciting new! Be on the look out!

Just Wanna Curl Up

I'm exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted. This is the third Tuesday in a row that I have felt like this. There must be some sort of a connection. Maybe it is the fact that I have taught 2 pole classes on Monday night for the last 6 weeks and also gotten up early to work out? That doesn't explain the first 3 weeks though. Who knows. Anywho, back to last night. My class for this session's level 1 pole class ended last night and I was again surprised at how sad I was. I mean unbelievably sad. It is so encouraging to watch the transformation of the women from week 1 to week 6. They leave with their confidence at a whole new level. I have to say that that is my most favorite part of teaching. If I could do that all day long I would…in a heart beat. Oh and one of the gals in the class makes really awesome ceramic jewelry and she kindly brought a ring for everyone in the class. It is so awesome! I'm wearing it today and have already gotten quite a few compliments on it. I'll post pictures and her etsy shop address later this week.

For some reason I am feeling a little more blah then I was last week. I have some super exciting things going on and I am excited but at the same time I am…well…blah. I think it is because I miss my roomie/brother. Let's just put it this way…I still haven't picked up the key that he shoved under my door. It makes me too sad. His stuff is still in his room but everything is gone out of the kitchen, living room and bathroom. Boo. I miss him.

Onto the exciting stuff that happened yesterday…I still can't talk about it. Sorry…

Extra! Extra!

I did something huge today. I mean HUGE but I was asked to not publicize it yet so sorry...I can't share it just yet. I'm bursting at the seams with excitement though! Oh! I wish I could tell you all but alas…you must be patient. Terrible? I know.

Hell Hath Frozen Over

I have tried to drink soda for the last 2 days and I can't bring myself to get past a sip or 2. That's right ladies and gentlemen….soda tastes like crap to me. Hell has definitely frozen over. At first I thought it was a fluke. Yesterday I tried drinking 2 different cans and tossed them a couple of sips in. I tried doing the same today and ended up tossing 3 different sodas after 2 sips each. The first sip tasted awful and the second sip to make sure I tasted it right. Apparently drinking soda is more of a habit then a taste/carbonation/caffeine thing because I was insistent drinking one even though it didn't taste good.

It is also time to reevaluate the items in my closet. There is another clothes swap at Express MiE tomorrow that I think I am going to go to. The last two days in a row I have packed clothes in my gym bag only to find out once I put them on at the gym that they are embarrassingly large on me. Boo Yeah! I haven't felt this good in months! For real. I was totally in a 6 month rut. Eating like crap. Sleeping like crap. I just couldn't get out of the slump and then all of the sudden the last couple of weeks I have been on fire. We are talking the kind of fire that is going to last. I have such a good energy going on.

It probably has to do with the fast that I have really been praying for guidance lately and I am getting it hand over fist! I finally stopped trying to figure everything out at once and on my own. I am trying this trusting God thing out and it is totally working in my favor. I am taking one step forward without knowing what is going to come next. What a relief! I can't wait to share some of the plans that I have stewing. Too early but just you wait…it is going to blow your mind! It certainly has blown mine and I am living it!

Hey You Gu-uys!

Last night it happened…I watched The Goonies for the very first time. Apparently, it was an extremely popular movie from my childhood. I genuinely thought that if I started watching it that I would remember that I had, in fact, already seen it but no. I didn't remember a freaking thing. It's good that I have finally seen it though because that means that my friendship with Lins can finally move forward. She and others were absolutely horrified that I have never seen it. Next I guess I should cave and finally watch the Star Wars and Indian Jones movies. Nah…

This morning I said goodbye to my roommate/brother for the entire summer. It made me really sad. When he gets home he is going to be moving in with buddies. I feel like I wasted the time away. I guess that isn't a fair comment because he is just as busy as I am so even if I was home more we still wouldn't have really seen each other. At least we got a few really good talks in.

Okay! Are you guys so ready?! I have a new obsession. It is called SparkPeople and I am in LOVE!! First of all, you get points for doing stuff like drinking water and tracking for food and workouts. Second of all, it offers really great advice without all of the bullshit that Shape and some of the other "health" magazine offer. It is really straight forward. Anyone who has no clue where to start could do the programs that they offer as guidance or if, like me, you know what you want you can easily track it. That, my friends, is my kind of site.

The bonus (besides the fact that it is free) is that is has an app for BlackBerry that allows me to log my food and exercise easily from my phone and since I always have my phone with me I have absolutely no excuse for not tracking. Here is the funny thing. It tracks calories. I hate tracking calories. That is the exact reason why I went on Weight Watchers but for some reason it doesn't bother me. Maybe it is because I personally don't have to keep track of the numbers on paper. Or maybe it is because it is on my phone. Whatever the reason it doesn't bother me. I think that everyone should at least check it out and see if it is something that they would like to use. If you do decide to use it definitely find me. My screen name is Kattman (think of the Batman theme song as you read that. BooYeah! That is a good name!). Anywho, I have been doing some exploring on the site and found an article that had 3 great thoughts for creating a successful environment.

How do you create an environment that's more help than hurt?

Prevent Temptations

Promote Convenience

Purchase Wisely

I think that those 3 thoughts are so simple yet profound. I am a big advocate of Preventing Temptation. That is the exact reason I don't keep ice cream in my house. I will eat it. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I will eat it. Period. That means that I don't buy it. It is a treat and should be treated as such. Promoting Convenience is one of my major mistakes. I want food that is healthy and not over processed yet I am always on the go. I need to find a happy medium for that whole situation. Purchasing Wisely is something that I also need to explore. I never seem to take the time to grocery shop so I am always scraping by with what I have which leaves me eating less desireable thing. I guess that it is really good that I am a huge believer in Preventing Temptation or else I would be screwed!

Happy Friday everyone!

Recovery Stage

According to my brother that is what I am in. The recovery stage. I was lamenting to him as I went through more boxes last night, finding the cards people gave my ex and I for our wedding, about what a train wreck I am. He kindly looked at me and said, "Kathy, you are in the recovery stage. It will probably last a year or so. I would have been really worried if you quickly bounced out of it."

Huh. I never really thought about it like that. I mean, I knew that it would take time for my heart to heal and for me to forgive my ex but I never thought about recovering from the emotional stress I have been putting myself under for years. So if you are getting down on yourself, just like I was, then stop. As long as you are moving forward then you are moving in the right direction. Speed doesn't matter. Results do.

After I got that nice little pep talk I watched Super Size Me for the first time. Gross. Here is a little confession. I eat fast food a couple of days a week because I fail to plan and end up eating on the go (I know Ivonne...I know...). I don't get the full meal deal and try to select a good choice but after watching that movie I want no part of it. I understand the whole you shouldn't eat that kind of food for every meal bit but come on! One month of him eating like that and it was as if he went on a drinking binge. Apparently, I need to start planning better. Yet another thing I keep putting off. I am going to start keeping trail mix in my car for just those emergencies but also with me slowing down a bit I have actually cooked a couple of days this week. Isn't that awesome?! I so need to keep that up! I love fresh cooked meals.

Time to Fess Up

For the first time since I started this blog I almost didn't blog about something because I was embarrassed about it. Then I thought about the fact that I was embarrassed about it and decided to not let it own me. Today I started taking Citalopram. Don't know what that is? Don't feel bad. Up until a few days ago neither did I. It is an anti-depressant. That's right. An anti-depressant. I met with my doctor and after having clear blood work and whatnot we both decided this was the best route for me to go for a little while.

Here is what it makes me feel: like I am somehow inadequate. Like I am screwed up because I just can't be happy with what I have. Like I am a whiner. Blah. Blah. Blah.

When I left the doctors office I left with my head low terrified that someone was going to find out what was in my purse…a script. I sat on the whole idea of it for a couple days only telling the people I went to Las Vegas with. Finally day 2 of the conference I called my brother, the pharmacist, and asked him about the particular drug that she prescribed me. It is fascinating to ask him technical questions because he kicks into this "let's get this done" mode. One of the many things I love about him. It takes the emotion out of the situation. I digress…So he went on to explain the drug, why I should be taking it (though not telling me I should be taking it since he can't give medical advice like that) and the possible side effects of it. Things that could happen:

I could get worse and become suicidal.
It can cause nauseousness
It shouldn't be taken alone. I should also see a counselor while I am on them.

Luckily my brother told me that the first side effect generally only effects people that are a bit younger and since I am past that I shouldn't have a problem. Uh…thank you? I also talked to my younger brother/roommate, who is going to school to be a psychologist, and his response was, "I thought that might be the case." Wow! It must have been obvious to everyone but me.

Anyway, there it is folks. I am on anti-depressants and it is nothing to be embarrassed about. 

Life Can Either Be Accepted or Changed

“Everything happens for a reason” is probably the most cliché saying on the face of this Earth but interestingly enough I find it so true. I had some events happen last week that led me to believe something big was going to happen. I planned my life as if that big thing was going to happen and then…it didn’t. Not even close…the exact opposite actually. I was completely unprepared for what really happened and extremely disappointed that the event I thought was going to happen…didn’t. You see, I liked the alternate plan I had come up with. I know this all sounds total like mumbo-jumbo right now but it will make more sense in a couple of weeks.

My life is totally moving forward and I love it! Tonight I will be working on my house a little more. I haven’t had a chance since Saturday and I am getting antsy. I am so ready to have everything done. Pictures hung. Desk bought. Living room redecorated. You know…the changing of my place from a temporary dorm/bachelor pad look into a “real” home. My brother is keeping his room over the summer even though he will be gone. I am going to have him pack his HUGE couch in there and I am redecorating. I will be hitting Goodwill’s 50% off day on Saturday in search of a rocking chair, end table, coffee table, TV stand, desk and possibly a couch or chair of some sort. I am also looking for some really rad fabric for curtains and maybe couch cushions. I’m not too concerned with anything else right now and I am totally okay with waiting to find the right thing instead of just getting whatever. I have lived in the land of good enough for too long. I don’t want expensive but I do want right. Wow. That felt good to write.

I also have been feeling a huge pull to get my finances in order and I found the most amazing website. http://www.mint.com/ You can load all of your bank (checking/savings) accounts, 401K, credit cards, student loans and more into it and it monitors EVERYTHING! It allows you to set up an extensive budget and track all of your spending and income. And when I say all…I mean ALL. Talk about PERFECT for me! Looking at everything together like that struck me that I want a savings. Not a little savings but a big one. It totally is helping me readjust where I am spending my money. I'm not going to lie though...it was really depressing at first because I saw where my money has been going. Over $400 just last month on food. Groceries, fast food, and restaurants. What the hell?! I am 1 person! I also thought I was doing good on the not buying too many books front only to find out that I have spent over $250 on books since February. That is a bit more then a little in my estimation. My priorities have officially changed. It feels good.

Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted. ~ Unknown

I want changed. 

Where to Start?

I have so many thought swarming (you like that word Gem?) through my head that I have no idea where to start. I going to steal an idea from a friends blog and write all of the main thoughts out and then expand on them. Book club. Purse collection. Cleaning. Desk. Rocking chair. "White trash" party. Talking in the car. Working graphics. Pastor tells my story. 

Book club was awesome! I love getting to know everyone a little bit more every time. People started arriving at 6:00pm and stayed until 11:30ish. We ate, talked and watched the movie. Oh and then we talked some more. I really enjoy the time with these awesome women!

As I have written about a lot lately, God has really been speaking to me to get my life in order. For anyone who has been reading my blog for a while you know that this is something that I have really struggled with. I have tried over and over and over and over again to do it all by myself. God finally got me to understand that I really needed help and help...help I have gotten. Yesterday was the big day. My cleaning buddy Miss Lins stayed the night after book club and woke up so stoked to do some cleaning. I tried to put it off as long as possible but inevitably she won. We got to cleaning. Stuff went in the trash. Stuff went in the Goodwill box. Stuff went in the sell pile. Stuff got organized. Stuff got moved into the correct room it should be in. Stuff was flying everywhere. It was exciting and terrifying at the same time. Lins was all business about it. I, on the hand, was like "Oh! Look at this and look at that." In the end we made a HUGE dent. My closet is completely organized. My room is 85% clean and not the good enough kind of clean. It is the "YES! It is manageable!" kind of clean. 

I am happy to announce that the sell pile is different then I originally imagined. I'm selling most of my purse collection. I don't use them. Don't get me wrong...they are beautiful but, again, I don't use them. At all. There are some that I have had for years but only used once or twice. Talk about hoarding the good stuff. I have 10 or so that I am planning on keeping but other then those...they are all getting sold. 

Last night there was a Tres Dias get together. It was fun to see all of the different people from the weekend plus it was nice to meet some of the people from the men's weekend especially the husbands and children of women I got to serve with. It was a dinner followed by a couple people sharing about the weekend. I was asked to speak about my first time serving experience. I totally thought I bombed. I am a crier and I tried so hard to not cry that I completely blanked out on what to say. Other people told me what I said was good but I'm not 100% about it. Oh well. 

After the dinner I was invited to a house party with the guys I used to really PARTY with. I wanted to go because I wanted to see them but I was terrified of slipping back into my old habits around them. Lins came with me. Her support meant so much to me but it was comforting to really get that I am a different person. We stayed for an hour or so and then she drove me back to my car...where we stayed for almost 2 hours talking. She has this talent for speaking truth directly into my heart. By the time I got home at almost 1:00am I felt beat up but in good, moving forward beat up kind of way. 

6:00am came early this morning after staying out until 1:00am the night before. I was on the road for church by 6:30. Last minute I was asked to work graphics for all 3 services so a chai tea and I arrived by 7:00. The first thing I do when I get behind the computer is review all of the songs and then the sermon notes. I literally burst into laughter when I saw what my pastor was preaching on. 

Stories Jesus Told

Live Rich Toward God

A Story About Stuff

God has such a great sense of humor. Right before the sermon my pastor came over to review some of the special effects happening and something like the following conversation happened:

Me: Were you at my house this week?

Him: Excuse me?

Me: What you are preaching on. God has really been putting this on my heart.

Him: What do you mean?

Me: I went through my closet and I am getting rid of a bunch of my purses.

Him: Really?! That is so great! How many purses do you have? 

Me: 55-ish.

Him: Uh. Wow. Really?! Can I share that?

Me: Sure. 

Him: I won't use your name.

Me: I wouldn't care if you did.

As he went through the sermon it was like he was talking directly to me. I'll follow up with another blog specifically about it but it was fascinating to watch the crowd as he shared my story. As promised he didn't use my name and there was a mix of reactions. Some people were slightly horrified by the number while others looked around uncomfortably. The pastor came up to me after the first service and we had a very different conversation.

Him: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shared that.

Me: Why?

Him: I shouldn't have said anything.

Me: I don't care if you use my name when you share it. Everyone has their demons. This just happens to be mine. 

He shared the story the other two services as well. It really helped me come to terms with the fact that I am actually selling my purses and I am okay with it. They can go onto women who will love them. I like that. 

What a fantastic couple of days! I hope you all a great weekend too!