Skewed Priorities

Sometimes someone gives you a gift that doesn't feel like a gift at first but after you process it for a few days you really embrace what you have been given. I have been struggling these last couple of days with something that happened last week. I was really mad at first. Then the anger gave way to deep hurt. Then hurt gave way to me getting an opportunity to really readjust my life and my priorities. It has been hard trying to balance everything in my life and this gave me an opportunity to step back and cut down to the minimum. Family, Maddie, dance and my health.

I have been waking up day after day after so exhausted I had a hard time concentrating but the last couple of days have been cleansing. I am writing to-do lists and sticking to them! Yeah! I am feeling so optimistic like I am getting that motivation back that I lost. I am also remembered this guy named....uh...oh yeah...God and how important He is to me and how much He has given me. I think after this weekend my reset will be complete. Nothing like a big dose of family to help you remember who you are and what is really important in life.

Another thing that I noticed today was how much I have been missing dancing. We have been doing a ton of training but focusing more on the people aspect. The people part is super important as well but the dancing makes my heart sing! Back to the people though, it has been fascinating to really learn how to listen and reflect. You learn so much about people when you step back and just...listen. It has been really great getting to know the people that I work with as well. It is so nice to bond with the people I work with. I haven't felt that in a very long time. Lead, of course, is the main person with whom I connect with but everyone else is so great too. There is a healthy competition between everyone but at the same time there is this underlying desire for everyone to grow and become better. On that note, tomorrow is goal setting day. Isn't the freaking awesome?! In our staff meeting we are discussing our goals. Not just our business goals but our personal goals. I'm so excited I can hardly see straight. I have been lacking in the goal setting department lately and I feel as though this will get me right back on track. Now onto the dancing...I missed dancing with Lead! We danced for quite a while today and it was fantastic! We just work so well together. I'm getting so excited for the competition in November. We are going to rock! Oh! Speaking of which we recorded a couple of our flip attempts and successes last week. Enjoy! (PS. I'm loud)





My routine has been really helping as well. Thank goodness for that. The gym soothes my soul. I also got the results for my blood work back. They came back 100% perfect. Praise God but still slightly frustrating. More later...

Kathy

Left or Right?

I'm going to have lots and lots and lots to post tomorrow but for now I have once again reached a cross road. I keep thinking that I have reached some sort of a destination but it keeps turning into another point for me to choose left or right. For now I just want to stand and stare at the road sign.

Routines!

I am starting to establish a routine! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Can you tell I am excited?! I also am figuring out my diet. Through the help of Ivonne and Lead I am getting there. Phew! I couldn't handle much more of this tragicness that my life had become. Here it is folks:

Guess what is right down the street from the ballroom dance studio? Give up? Pure Fitness. What is that you ask? It is the gym that I belong to. Guess where I am going to be going right before work everyday? That's right my friends. The gym! I have only made it 3 times (counting today) in the last 3 weeks and I have noticed the depletion of my strength. I was actually sore from pole class on Monday night. Terrible! That hasn't happened in a loooooooooooooooong time. So embarrassing. Time to get with it. I also packed my lunch and dinner so I am nourishing my body correctly for all of the work that I am doing. I reached the point yesterday that it is time to just buckle down and get to my goal weight. I am so close and all this fartin' around just needs to end. I want to get to my goal weight so I can finally just maintain. Ivonne said something so profound yet obvious last night. She said something like, "Do you think it is not normal to be happy?" Crap.

She's right. It am completely and totally happy in my work life so now I must some how jack up the rest of my life because it is freaking impossible for me to be content. Something must always be amiss. For example, there is a particular gentleman in my life who's company I really enjoy. What did I go and do? I started to make up reasons that he should upset me. Heaven forbid I actually enjoy myself. Ugh. He's a really great guy and I am so terrified that I am going to make another mistake. It is like I am in jr. high sometimes. Here is the good thing about life...tomorrow is always another day. Thank goodness for that. Fresh starts happen every single day. Tomorrows fresh start brings me getting up early-ish, cleaning my car, doing laundry, working out, dancing, dancing, dancing, and then ends with me on a date. That's all the detail you get on that...

Today brought a lot more self discovery.

1. If I am going to dance I need to trust the men I am dancing with. Lead is a no brainer. I trust him. There is another guy I work with that we watched for a while who was practicing for a show. A part of the show is a lift/flip. Lead asked to see what it looked like and then they both looked at me. Oh God. The panic hit me like a MAC truck. The move was explained to me and I decided that even though I was wearing boy shorts I should put on gym shorts so I ran into the back room (hyperventilated for a minute) and then came back out. The first go? Not so much. I didn't make it onto his shoulder. The second? We nailed it. Here is what I figured out. I have no faith in myself. The guys just assuming that I could do it is what made me try it in the first place. See? Everyone needs a Lead in their life.

2. The Viennese Waltz makes my heart sing. We were shown a little bit and Lead told me I was smiling like a school girl. I was. I am right now just thinking about it. It is all about romance and elegance. Uh. I love it.

I Trust Him

I don't think I have ever really trusted a man outside my family until today. Let me clarify...I never let myself trust a man until today. Men have always hurt me. They aren't to be trusted. How'd it work out for me? Um...

This ballroom thing is going to rock my universe on more than one level. We did an exercise today on how to create a good connection with your partner when dancing. The thing with dancing is if your partner leans into you you, in turn, lean into them and vice versa. You are creating positive and negative space at all times. Well...Lead and I worked on that today and wow...way different. At first I tried to anticipate his moves. I stepped when I thought I was supposed to step and every time I did he started over. I struggled until I closed my eyes and let my body move only when he told it to and only where he told it. It was a strange feeling being moved around the room completely by his hands being pressed against mine. I stepped back when he stepped forward. I stepped forward when he stepped back. I stepped right when he stepped left. I stepped left when he stepped right. I turned when he shifted his upper body. It was mind blowing. I felt a little paniced when I first closed my eyes but I had to...I couldn't stop trying to figure what he was going to do out. The more I let him lead the more comfortable I got until towards the end I opened my eyes and was able to look at him and let him be the lead. I trust him. It's weird even writing that. I trust him. Ha! I trust him!

We went from that exercise to one about listening. I love that this job is about getting to know people. It is just like Express MiE. The people that own and work there are so in love with getting to know the people that come in. Something I learned about myself...I'm a shitty listener. Well, not completely but close. I am so focused on all of the things that I need to do that I have a hard time slowing down and listening when I should. Not only do I love dancing and love that I get to interact with people on a whole new level I think it is going to completely change my life. Actually...it already has. I trust him.

AMPED!

I am totally and completely amped for several reasons.

1. I am typing this message on MY wireless internet. I know. 8 month later but whatever.
2. I attended my first ballroom competition yesterday. Lead and I didn't compete because we want to be awesome when we do so be on the lookout for competition pictures in November. We also got our picture taken together last night but you all have to wait. I need to check with him to see if he is cool with me posting it. Knowing him he will be but still...

*I've been writing this post for over 3 hours but keep getting distracted by watching youtube dance clips. Maybe this internet thing wasn't such a good idea after all.*

Is it weird that I am so in love with dancing? It literally makes my heart overflow with happiness just thinking about it. It was fun watching the competition with Lead because all we did was analyze everyone else and what they were doing, what we liked, what we didn't like and so on. We talked about the colors that would look best on us and which ones wouldn't. We talked about anything and everything that had to do with dancing. My friend, Lins, came with me and couldn't get over how Lead and I talk to each other. First of all, we are total trash talkers. All day. Everyday. He is my personality in male form. He calls me "Six Times Kathy" because I made a joke once of it taking 6 times for me to get a dance move. I call him "My Big Lady" because when I lead it is hard because he is not a tiny guy so it takes some effort to get him to go where I want him to go. In addition to the trash talking we are super complimentary of each other. He is extremely good looking and we tell each other all the time how good the other person looks. For example, in the Tango when he bows me into a corte (see pic below) he usually says something like, "Yeah...look at her." That, my friends, is good for the ole' self esteem.

Lins thought it was weird that we have no romantic attraction to each other but have this great bond. I have absolutely no issue walking in and saying something, "Dang!...You look hot today!" Apparently, that isn't normal. I think it should be. Everyone needs a friend like that. I also have fallen in love with the studio and the people that work there. The gal that is training us is so awesome. She makes learning fun and her passion for dancing fills the room when she walks in. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Big Girl Panties? On.

Every now and then you just need someone to tell you to get over it. So...Judy...thank you. I am now up at 3 in the morning completely consumed by all of the things that I didn't do this week. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? To steal the words from a friends blog this week, "I am a gluten for punishment."

Was I really really tired or was I hiding? Sitting up at 3 in the morning it makes me feel like I was just hiding.

Trainwreck Alert

I feel like a total fraud lately. For real. I have done lots and lots and lots of writing about dancing. It is, of course, all true but I have mainly been writing about dancing because the rest of my life has completely fallen apart. I am literally sleeping 12-14 hours per day. I just barely finished all of the dishes from book club last week and I haven't done any laundry in almost a week and a half. I sleep all morning, wake up, get ready for ballroom and then leave. I haven't had a lot of interaction with my friends. Lins has been prodding me to talk to my doc so I finally did and talked to my doc today. She had me reduce my dosage and she also yelled (not really) at me because I still haven't gotten my x-rays and bloodwork done. I know I need to but I guess I reached the point where I don't want to know. I already feel like a trainwreck and there is nothing like another crappy bloodwork result to make me feel worse. I feel inadequate. I hate having something wrong with me. Ugh. PITTY PARTY!

On top of all that I have yet to establish that routine I wrote about the other day. Oh...I tried but I slept right through it. At least I got a bit of it done today. I am going to try to work on even more tonight and then I am going to try to get up and work on even more tomorrow. The thing about getting part of my life together is I no longer accept how I used to live. I want to get back to a mostly clean house. It makes my heart hurt that I look unsettled. I don't like being a trainwreck. I'm totally serious. If I was Brittney Spears this would have been the week I shaved my head. Lack of routine also means lack of eating right. I realized yesterday at 6pm that all I had eaten so far was a little bit of trailmix and some watermelon. Way to set myself up for the 5 hours of dancing I did. Ugh. See? Trainwreck.

I also really noticed that I in my not doing a lot of take care of myself I have been skipping the gym. It is time to rectify that. I am taking a level 3/4 pole class next session. It am *techinally* a level 5 but it has been a while so I am going to step back into the role of student and let myself me ministered to. About time, right? That's the whole reason I started this crazy, wonderful journey...It's All About MiE.

Shall We Dance?

I now know the basics for 8 of the dances so we have moved onto perfecting our timing, form, and positions. Today was mainly...TANGO! I have to admit...it is totally one of my favorites. Well...that and Waltz seem to be taking the lead but apparently I am also good with my hip swing so maybe I need to give the latin section a go as well. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Dancing! It is like my body has found its place in life. Lead and I worked super hard today and between yesterday and today we have put in probably close to 10 hours of just dance. Maybe more. It is so nice to have a partner that is just as passionate about learning the dances and learning them right. That is so super important to me. Don't get me wrong...when I woke up this morning I thought I was going to die I was so sore. I worked my upper body really hard and then went in a danced for a long time. I found some muscles that were...how did my Mom put it...oh yeah...on sabbatical. My body will probably we whimpering tomorrow. You know what though? I wouldn't change it for the world! One thing that I did find a little interesting today is the fact I still kind of struggle with being close to a guy. Lead and I went from just touching hands to total body connection. It is the proper way so of course I want to do it right but it just felt weird at first. Thank goodness I trust Lead because it will really help me get over that fast. Phew! Here are a couple of really great Tango videos for your viewing pleasure.

Obstacles

I am a routine person. I like to know what I am going to be doing at all times (for the most part) so I can keep myself on task. I always have goals and aspirations floating around just waiting to come into fruition. When I left my job I lost it. Don't get me wrong...I still have a ton of goals but the original structure and routine was completely thrown off. Aside from ballroom all I did was sleep last week. It was magical but now I have a plan. Now I have a purpose again. I was feeling kind of like everything came together and I left my job and then I was like...."now what?" That wasn't at all what I expected.

Plans have changed a little bit in the sense that I won't be competing this weekend but I am still going to go watch. Also, I am changing partners. Let's call my new partner "Lead" since that will be his job. He and I have been working together quite a bit and have turned into quite a good team. I'm stoked because he really cares about winning and since I don't his motivation will in turn motivate me. I have decided that within 3 years I would like to attain Gold level dance status. Lots and lots of time and effort with go into it but hey...I love it so it won't really be like work. My training also seems to be coming right along. I am picking the steps up quickly which, of course, makes things a lot more fun. I am also doing a better job leading. Lead has really been working with me on that. He is excellent so I am really pleased with my progress. Tomorrow is day seven and it is already to the point that I can't remember not dancing everyday.

I also taught a pole class tonight. The women constantly blow me away. Thank goodness for Express MiE because it helped me learn that I love teaching. I love the fact that the woman that arrives is never the woman that leaves. I am so blessed to be surrounded but such an environment of constant growth. I am inspired everyday.

I have been kind of slacking on the design side of my plans. By kind of, I mean really. With changing to it being about me I completely lost all momentum. On Saturday I met with my Mom and Aunt and went through a workshop taught by my Uncle. Helping businesses start is his forte. It was hard because he had us list adjectives that describe us and I didn't have a whole lot. He then went to my aunt and Mom for ideas. Word after word they spit out and I found myself sinking further and further in the couch. "That's not me. I'm not all of those great and wonderful things." On and on I spiraled downward until I left. But it didn't stop there. I kept those negative thoughts a flowing. I taught a pole class. Came home and watched a movie. Berated myself for my house not being done. Went for a nice bike ride. Taught a private party but picked myself apart in the mirror beforehand.

"Ugh," I thought. "You haven't changed at all. Look at you. So gross. No one is ever going to want to be with you." I continued that way on my bike ride home and ended up forcing myself to go to my parents house. Maddie and I walked over and I had a great chat with them. Things I realized:

1. I hadn't talked to God in a while.
2. Through doing a bunch of roll playing in training I realized I'm not completely over the fact that I am divorced. I'm still very disappointed in myself. The "if only's" started. Those are dangerous.
3. I was relatively purposeless last week. I need to set a purpose for myself. (Enter the dance competition in November. Lead and I are going to rock it.)
4. I need to set a routine.

It is amazing that once you really pinpoint your obstacles that you can easily overcome them. Lins came over last night and really helped me set my priorities for the week. I slept until 1 again today but I woke up rested. That hasn't happened in a long time. Yeah! Also, it is interesting to note that I have remembered my dreams every singles night since I left my job. I'm not sure if that is actually significant but it felt that way to me.

Just Isn't Natural

I did a dumb thing. I ran out of my happy pills and just didn't take them for a week. That was an awful idea. I thought Lindsey was going to punch me right in my face. I am definitely feeling the effects. So moral of the story....don't do that.

I am picking up on the ballroom moves lightning fast. I am becoming a better lead as well as becoming a better follow and knowing when is appropriate to do so. One of the guys that I have been dancing with is an excellent teacher. The hard part is knowing when to tell the girl that she is getting ready to turn so that she isn't surprised. It is funny "being the guys part" and literally being in the man position and having a 6'3" man in the ladies position. It just doesn't feel natural.

It is hard to imagine that I worked for a corporate job for the last 3 1/2 years. It feels like this is how it has always been. I guess sometimes it is hard to imagine that I was married too and I did that for a long time too. Does that happen to anyone else? Something is a part of your life for a long time and then you stop doing whatever it is and it is like it never existed. Weird feeling.

I have been working on overdrive the last couple of days. Book club is on Friday and I want to have my place almost 100% done. I am finishing putting the bookshelf together today so all my books and chachka will be moved by tonight. Yahoo! I'll post pictures once it is complete. The only thing that won't be complete is the couch in the living room. My brothers was too big to stuff the whole thing in his room so the biggest part is still out there but once he gets back I can finish that part. I decided on greens for the living room. I need to find fabric for curtains and paint for the frames but that is all a part of the fun. I am hoping to find it tonight. *fingers crossed*

Wait...Am I the Girl or the Guy?

That is a totally legit question when teaching ballroom. I have been in for exactly 2 days and already can't remember which one I am supposed to be when dancing. One thing I have figured out is I like leading which is bad because the girls job is to follow NOT lead. The interesting thing is that the guy does almost nothing. I mean NO-THING! Usually he just does the same moves over and over and over again all while directing the girl which way to go. I reality though...that is how it should be. I wish that my ex-husband had done that when we were married. Instead he left so much for me to decide. I guess it was a double edged sword though because I thought I wanted to decide. I have finally figured out though that I want a man that makes decisions. Sometimes I don't care where we go to eat. Sometimes I don't care what we do. Sometimes it is just about spending time instead of whatever else could be in the way. Know what I mean? 

I am LOVING learning ballroom so far. Have you ever done started doing something and suddenly you feel like all is right with your body? That is what it feels like for me. Like I have come home. Cheesiness...over. I'll write some more fantasticness tomorrow. 

I feel...

It starts tomorrow. Freedom. Well...I guess it *technically* started on Friday after I got off of work late. Yes late. Who does that happen to but me?! Best. Luck. Ever. But somehow how knowing that tomorrow morning I won't be waking up and driving into my "real" job makes my heart sing. La-la-la-la!!!!!

So as some of you have noticed I haven't blogged a lot lately. Here's the deal...I don't know what to write. I'm sitting at my Mom's and have been staring at that the edit page for over an hour. I'm completely blank so I told my Mom. She's the best. She said your blog is about what you feel. Write about what you feel.

This is how I feel. 

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel excited.

I feel nervous.

I feel full of life. 

I feel blessed.

I feel satisfied.

I feel content. 

I feel ready to explore.

I feel happy.

I feel cared for. 

I feel loved. 

I feel good. It is a trend that has been continuing since the day I put my resignation in. Everything seems to have come together. I can see the last several years worth of struggles and pain and hurt and suffering and success all coming together to create my life now. I love God for that. When I am in the moment or the pain all I can think is Why? Why is this happening to me? Why are you letting this happen to me? Why can't I just deal with this? Why? Why? Why? I'm living proof that God really does know better. If I would have been asked in advance if I wanted to go through what I went through in my marriage I would have screamed a resounding NO! But I wasn't given the choice. I married him not knowing what was in store for my future. When I was in the midst of it I felt cheated. I felt angry. I felt completely shortchanged. 

Now? I feel blessed. I have a really close friend that is going through some similar struggles as I did and I could relate to her when we talked this week. How cool is that? Knowing now that my hurt could help someone else I would go through it all again in a heartbeat. In. A. Heartbeat. It's not All About MiE sometimes. 

Anywho, that's all my thoughts right now. I got nothing else except tomorrow morning I will be waking up early, roller blading to the gym, working out, roller blading home, and then working on my house. I am taking a couple days to finish everything in my personal life so I can move seamlessly into my work life. I'm almost done! 

It. Is. Finished.

I am done with my "real" job. I really want to write a ton of things but right now I am just plain tired. I promise much excitement will be written over the next couple of days but for now I am going to leave you with the official progress photos.