Just Spoon Full of...

Loved ones helps the sadness go down...the sadness go do-own...the sadness go down. If your Mom loved The Sound of Music like mine did then you had the melody to accompany that little...oh...never mind. On Sunday I forced myself out of my house and made it to my folks for dinner where I lovingly got called out for disappearing and then the other night I made it to my mentors and they said exactly what I needed to hear, "Sometimes you have to do things you don't FEEL like doing." I have been succumbing to my feeling and emotions a lot lately. How's it working out for me? Well....you've been reading. Not the greatest, right? I decided to actually follow their advice and so far I have completed some design work, done the dishes, sorted my laundry, started to do some cleaning and organizing, and FINALLY started working on my personal business. I want to be a legit designer and I am the one that is holding me back.

I talked to D&G for a couple of hours the other night and they pin pointed my problem. I know where I want to be but the steps to get me there are so overwhelming that I freeze right where I am. That means I haven't started a dang thing. They are helping me by giving me homework. I chose-ish the homework and they are helping to keep me accountable. I really need that right now. I am feeling much better already. Since I stopped taking the anti-depressants due to the extreme fatigue I was feeling I have been slacking on taking all of my supplements. That probably didn't help my case. I am just full of setting myself up for failure, huh?

I also got called out today for being too critical of myself. I had to agree. It is still very hard for me to take compliments and all kind words are quickly deflected lest I actually, for once, feel something. I need to address why it is still so hard for me to take kindness. I most certainly have gotten better but it's still bad. I was complimented on something today and I quickly tried to minimize it. I had barely gotten the words out of my mouth when she told me to stop and say thank you cause she knew I wouldn't take it. How awful is that? I do it so often then she already knew it was going to happen before it happened. I have a girlfriend who has spoken to me about taking a course called Mending the Soul but I'm still praying to see if that is the correct direction for me.

In other news, I have officially decided to enter the dating world. That's right. I have a date next week with someone who seems super awesome. He calls me Miss Kathy and I love that for some reason. Anywho, you all know I don't talk pretty much at all about that stuff so that's all you get.

Moral of this whole post? Don't lose touch of those you love and who love you in return.

Dear Kathy

Dear Kathy,

What is going on my friend? You seem so very lost lately. Like you are living a life without purpose. That's it, isn't it? You feel unfulfilled, don't you? You've been there before. Many times. If I know you, and I think I do, then you are probably stuck in this state where you want to do something about it but you just don't know where to start so instead you are doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. Why do you let yourself stay like that? It makes you feel awful. You withdraw from everyone and everything. You just barely had dinner with your family for the first time in over 3 weeks Sunday. You've barely talked to your mentors lately too which means that you feel like you aren't living life right. No family and no mentors means Kathy isn't feeling spiritually there. Get out of this funk because it is killing me too.

Love,

Kathy

Damn.

So..I didn't go out last night but I also didn't do a freaking thing. My Mom keeps sending me information from Innerkiddies.com and I think I even started it once but the fact that I can't remember goes to show how committed I may or may not have been...anywho, below is the test they use to determine who is running the show in your life. You or your inner kiddie. I bolded all of the questions that I answered "yes" to.

Is your sink always full of dirty dishes? 
Is your car in the driveway because it won’t fit in the garage? N/A
Are you late a lot?
Are your credit cards out of control?
Do you love animals?
Are you afraid of some of the stuff in your fridge?
Do you like surprises?
Is your laundry backed-up?
Are you creative?
Are you overweight?
Do you scrounge for receipts on April 14?
Do you love life in spite of the mess you are in?
Do you like to please?
Do you use the “but” word?
Do you like celebrations?
Are you still paying for the gym you don’t go to?
Do you love children?
Is it hard for you to say, “NO?”
Are you spontaneous?
Do you “over-goal?”
Are you always looking for your keys?
Are you afraid of your mailbox? 
Are you often over-drawn?
Are you a procrastinator?
Do you have too much stuff?
Do you like decorations?
Are you a perfectionist?
Do you love to play?

Do you know WHAT to do, but don’t do it?

See what I mean? Damn. This quote from the website summed things up pretty good. 

"Guess what! You already know what to do to get organized; you just really don’t want to do it, because it looks like too much to do. When you don’t want to do something and you are an adult, you don’t have to do it. That’s the beauty of being an adult. Remember when you were young and you wanted to stay up all night, or have another piece of cake, and your folks wouldn’t let you? Well when you grew up, that kid in you liked getting to finally be the boss . . . no matter what. Now you’re in a mess and overwhelmed and it’s your inner kiddy’s entire fault." ~ Inner Kiddies

You Know What?

I'm pretty sure that rain can cure many things...or at least walking in the rain with someone and discussing life and God's plan for your life for two and half hours can. That being said, I didn't keep myself grounded last night but I did have a major breakthrough. I realized something HUGE...I don't completely trust God. I think that is why I am dragging my feet with my business. I think that is why I am choosing guys that I subconsciously know can't ever work. I think that is why I have stalled on my weight loss. I never completely put myself in a situation where I have to rely on Him because I feel like He failed me before when in reality He didn't. The funny part of all of it is He has proven over and over and over again that He will take care of me and yet...I don't trust Him. Where do I go from here? I don't know. I need to get back to reading and studying the Bible more. Oh! That reminds me! I bought a new Bible version, English Standard Version (ESV), and I LOVE IT! I also am going to finally crack the cover of Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God by Sheila Walsh. Combine the 2 and I just might finally start to work my way in the right direction.

So...tonight I am actually grounded and I WILL be doing the following:

1. 4 loads of laundry
2. All of the dishes
3. Move the dog kennel
4. Finish the business card for one of my clients
5. Call my friend Jenn and my sister Jenafer

I have also vastly changed my schedule and find myself going to bed at midnight and waking up at 8. That seems to be working quite well so I'm going to stick with it. Wow...this post is kinda random...

Ew. I'm Sick of Me.

Do you ever just get fed up with yourself? I mean it. The kind of fed up where you literally want to just shake yourself. The kind of thing where you see yourself making the same mistake(s) over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...well, you get the point. I am tired of setting myself up for failure. I am completely stalled in my weight loss. I am not following through on getting my design business going. There is HUGE list of things that I have consciously been putting off/procrastinating about. Why? I knew that eventually I would HAVE to deal with them and yet...I'm just starting addressing them today.

I think my feelings all comes down to disappointment in myself. Here I am able to hike the Grand Canyon (17 miles in one day) and I am completely incapable of mailing something in or even grocery shopping. It frustrates me because I have done it to myself...again. This includes not doing any laundry for a long while. This includes a number of other things that aren't really that big of a deal to do and yet...I do nothing. I'm constantly late to stuff and I hate being late. I am all around fed up with me and my procrastinating self. That's it. I'm grounded. I'm grounded until Saturday night. That means I can't do anything fun (like going out dancing) until then. That means I need to sit down and slowly start checking things off of my list. One at a time. You know what I'm going to start with tonight? Dishes. Laundry. Starting to set up my office since Wayne has officially (sigh...) moved out. That's a good start, right?

What Goes Down Must Come Up and the 29 #11

I hiked the Grand Canyon on Saturday (pictures at the bottom). I know, right? Totally not what you expected to see. A small part of me must have thought that I wasn't really going to do it because I didn't tell too many people. For real. My family barely knew. Only a handful of my friends knew. I was supposed to have someone go with me but due to some outside circumstances I ended up going alone. As I drove up there I got more and more nervous because I couldn't stop thinking about everything that the people who knew about me going had warned me about. Things like, "are you sure it is safe? Are you sure you want to do this? Why don't you wait until someone can go with you." Etc...the closer I got to the canyon the more I started to panic. "Maybe I should turn around. I'm never going to make it. This is such a dumb idea." Ultimately I super prayed about it and decided to keep going. Along the drive I almost hit 2 deer and an elk but was also blessed with the most beautiful night sky and 4 shooting stars right in front of me. A lot of wishing took place that night.

I arrived at the canyon really early on Saturday morning and settled down to sleep in the car. Believe it or not I was so comfortable that when the alarm went off at 4:20 I wanted to keep sleeping. I know, right? Anywho, I got up, ready and was on the trail by 5:30. There was a whole group of us on the bus that started hiking at the same time. I booked it down the trail so I could catch a glimpse of the sunrise a little ways into the canyon. I barely made it. It was spectacular! That's when the heat began. There was a group of 3 guys that I ended up playing tag with all the way to the bottom. Through talking as we passed each other I found out that they were from Phoenix and they suggested I come out another trail due there being places to get water as opposed to having to pack out a bunch of water on the trail I intended to go out because it had no places to get water. Once we got the bottom I lost sight of them and just did my own thing. I wandered around, went to check out Phantom Ranch (kinda anti-climatic), cooled my feet in the creek and had something to eat. I decided at that point to take the guys advice and head out Bright Angel rather then carting out a bunch of water on South Kaibab.

I was barely down the trail when I heard some voices behind me. It was the guys again! We played tag for about a 1/2 mile of so and then I decided that it was dumb for us to just keep talking as we passed each other so I asked if I could join "the man club". They kindly accepted but it might have been more based off of something I am going to share later on but in reality I don't think it was. They were awesome! All of them were from Phoenix and I got a chance to get to know each of them a little bit. You learn fascinating stuff when you ask a lot of questions and do a lot of listening.

We made it out of the canyon by 5:30pm after taking many, many rests and stopping to soak in a creek about 6 miles from the top. What an amazing experience! I have hiked it before...twice actually but this was kind of a big deal for several reasons.

1. The last time I was at the canyon was for my 2nd wedding anniversary. It was nice to create new memories.

2. I went a new way. The first time was down and up South Kaibab and the second was down Hermit's Rest and up Bright Angel. This time it was down South Kaibab and up Bright Angel for a total 17+ miles.

3. I went by myself. Too often I let myself get sucked into the "I can't go alone" trap but this really made me realize that I can do it. I even managed to meet some people that I probably wouldn't have met if I went with someone.

I have a lot more of my life to get together but I know I can do it. I hiked the Grand Canyon myself for goodness sake. I most certainly can do anything I put my mind to. Oh! I almost forgot to write about the Colorado River. I looked like a river of chocolate milk. I described it as knowing what it felt like to be in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yum...now I want chocolate milk. Boo...I don't have any.

Oh and since I tend to attract embarrassing experiences...Insert Embarrassing Moment Here: I bought new shorts to hike in because all of my other ones are way too big. I realized after I got home from the Grand Canyon that there was a hole in the back of them. It was right on the seam. Probably almost an inch or so long. That's right. I may or may not have hiked 17+ miles in front of tons of people with a hole in the back of my shorts. That's right. A hole. In the back of my shorts. Oh and use your imagination for what made it 1,000 times more embarrassing then just having a hole. I bet every person that walked behind me took a freaking picture. I had exchanged contact info with one of the guys and when I wrote him I wrote something like, "Hey, when I got home I realized I had a hole in the back of my shorts. I'm not sure how long it was there but I would appreciate it if you would lie and say you didn't see it. Please and Thanks." He graciously lied to me...or maybe not. Maybe it did happen after I got in the car. In reality I have no idea when it appeared. Ah...the simple things in life that make it more interesting.

GREAT DAY!

GREAT DAY! No real reason behind it except I feel accomplished and just plain had a great time! It started with me at the gym and my old trainer...wait...I don't think I told you the story...here it is: A couple weeks ago I was at the gym walking toward the free weights room when I saw someone that looked REALLY familiar. I stopped, stared for a minute, walked to the doorway of the room he was in, stared some more until all of the people in there but one turned and looked at me. When the last person (who I was staring at) realized that everyone was looking behind him he turned and TA-DA!  It was my old trainer, Matt, that I worked out with for over 2 years! I couldn't believe my eyes! I hadn't seen him for 4 or 5 years! I was so excited! Anywho, he is now the training manager at the gym I work out in and today he came and talked to me a bit while I worked out. Nothing like a good ole' fashion spectator to make me acknowledge how much I have been slacking. I've been eating like crap and not REALLY been working out. He asked me about my diet today and how often I eat. I couldn't even look him in the face because I know better but I'm not doing anything to change my ways. Time to get back on the boat. So...starting tomorrow I am packing my lunch and getting to the gym on time so I can actually do my entire work out. I love this whole accountability thing!

Then I went to ballroom and practiced a bunch. I am finally starting to know the moves down to what direction you are supposed to face. Hurray! Then I went and taught line dancing at a country bar. I had SO MUCH FUN! I was pretty nervous but people were able to pick up the dances I was teaching which made me feel so good inside. Then I finished the night off with watching a movie with Wayne (Napoleon Dynamite for the first awkward time) and working on a logo for one of my clients. I feel accomplished. Boo YEAH!

Unexpected Disappointment

You know when you think you know someone and then you see a picture of them that is nothing like you envisioned or they say something you didn't think they they would say or treat you in a way that you never thought they would treat you? That happened to me last night and I have to admit it kinda crushed me. I thought I knew someone and then I saw a whole slew of pictures that were not of the person that I knew. It was sad. It's not that I built them up to be something that they are not but I just assumed that the way that they were with me was how they were all the time. It isn't. That fascinates me because I try to be the same no matter if I am with my friends, family, at the ballroom studio, at Express MiE, at church, at home, etc. I got a good reminder course about what assuming does...it makes an ass of u and me but really more of just me. I had pray and then mourn a little bit today so I could let go of who I thought they were. It worked. Praise God for that!

I also have been formulating a post about the wise use of time or in my case...the lack thereof. I had a super night with my younger sister this weekend that somehow ended up with me consuming an entire HUGE box of Hot Tamales and then going out dancing. It was an epic fail. Not the point of the story but interesting none the less. So...my sister made a very conscious decision to be more selective on what she spends her time on. I literally burst out laughing when she was referencing how much time she wasted on the computer and she said something like, "I was just throwing my time in the trash and I was like I didn't want it anyway." I know that isn't what she said and what she said was waaaaaay better but I can't remember it exactly. Anywho, the point to this whole thing is I waste a TON of time on Facebook and YouTube or just cruising the net. I need to do what she did because if I spent half as much time on my personal designing as I do on those I would be almost done with my website by now. Boo for me taking too long to figure it out. Yeah for my sister pointing it out! It all comes down to priorities. Mine are all screwed up. I mean royally. I guess acknowledging it is the first step...

Sarah the Great did my hair again today and I have to say...she literally outdoes herself every time. Look at it?!

I LOVE it!

Be Still...

If you have been following me longer then a week or so then you know that is one of my biggest shortcomings...being still. I am always moving. Always thinking. Always planning. Always. Always. Always. Doing something. You may have also noticed how impatient I am. When I want something I want it NOW...like say...a tattoo. We'll come back to that in a minute. Anywho, I have been going through some major growing pains lately and have reached the point that I KNOW what I want out of life but I'm just not there yet. The timing isn't right. I'm not ready so God is a great God and not giving it to me until I am ready. I was busy feeling sorry for myself and doing some Bible study yesterday when I came across this...

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..." (Psalm 37:7) 

Then there is the fact the following Bible verse is the verse for the upcoming Tres Dias weekend.

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

I think God is trying to tell me something. What do you think? I know, right? I got it God...loud and clear. I obviously have some big stuff that I need to work out but I also need to practice being at rest. I hear a camping trip coming on...finally.

I was chatting via yahoo chat with a friend and told her that I knew what I wanted out of life but blah...blah...blah....so she asked me what I wanted. I had it solidified in my head for the most part but putting it down on paper made it real. I also had one that I wrote without thinking about it and didn't realize I had added it until I sent it. This is a semi-edited version of my list:

Designing 30 hours a week

Making a comfortable salary

Start a non-profit to help women who struggle with self worth

Able to go on at least 2 mission trips a year to places like Haiti

Married to a GODLY man

That's all I really had. I know it's not that much but I'm not ready to put into it what I need to put into it. I'm still scared. I'm not quite trusting God to not drop me on my head therefore I'm not going to get the blessings that I know are out there and waiting for me. Isn't that ridiculous? I know that I am missing out yet I'm not ready to step out of the boat. So...back to the tattoo. Since this is something that I have struggled with for so long I decided to do something to make myself acknowledge it on a regular basis. I got "Be Still" tattooed on the inside of my left wrist.

Definition of Uncomfortable?

Teaching an entire pole class, 90 minutes, while wearing both my Foxers and my pants backwards. Seriously. That actually happened tonight and I couldn't figure out what was wrong for like an hour.

The rest of the day? It was magical. Absolutely magical.

Creative Juices?

Consider them flowing. I just spent over an hour doing a ton of planning for 3 different graphic design projects and I am pumped. I really need to go to bed so I am hoping that by writing about it I will be able to sleep easier. Maybe? Probably not...

Wayne is home! I'm so happy! I hugged him for like 3 solid, awkward minutes. I don't want him to move out. I told him I hope that the guy he is supposed to move in with gets engaged so he can stay with me. Selfish? I know.

Have you ever felt like you were lied to but don't really have any proof that you were lied to and the reality is that it isn't that big of a deal to begin with but then again if it isn't that big of a deal then why would they even lie about it in the first place? That happened to me tonight and I must admit that I am pretty annoyed. I guess I don't have any proof so I can't be too upset but still...ugh. I. Hate. That. Shit.

On a fun note, Express MiE had a fun little article written about it HERE. I was the instructor so I was mentioned too. Go Express MiE!

HAPPY DAY!

Wayne comes home today! The whole summer was far too long to be without my brother. I actually woke up on the right side of the bed this morning and I credit it to my excitement to see Wayne and also my magical dreams about the Northern Lights. I have spent most of the morning researching the best time of year to see them and where and also other things to do in that area. All of my research has gotten me to Fairbanks, Alaska in the winter months though not sure which one. I am leaning towards October since so many website mention that month specifically as the best month for the shows. I am brimming with excitement at just the thought of actually seeing the real Aurora Borealis. I have seen it once but it was just a hint of it when I lived in Couer d'Alene when I was like 19 or 20. I have been dying to see them ever since. Judy mentioned them in her blog last night and it got my mind going. I MUST see them! 

There will be a picture like this of me by the end of 2011. 

Some Quasi-Deep Thoughts or Not...

I have been in a vile mood all week. Is it possible to wake up on the wrong side of the bed for like a week? Maybe longer. If so...consider it done. I'm so ugh right now that I don't even want to hang out with myself. There is definitely a pattern forming. I need to figure out all of the details around it so I can figure out how to make it happen less often or not at all.

I did figure out some of what I was struggling with. I've been praying about it as some of you have also been praying for me. Here is the conclusion I came up with:

1. I don't want to compete in dance.
2. There is a such thing as dancing too much.
3. I isolate myself when I subconsciously noticing that I'm not making the best choices for me.
4. I do want to design and I have done NONE since I left me job. NONE! Are you freaking kidding me?! Ugh.
5. The part I love about teaching dance is watching people lives change. I don't particular care if they do it "right".
6. I need to get out of isolation but seem to be stuck.
7. I like having a roommate and have missed my brother terribly. He gets back tomorrow but then he will be moving in with friends. It's not that we hung out all the time because we never actually saw each other but I knew he was there.
8. I love country dancing the most of all the dances. Arizona 2 Step. Texas 2 Step. Country Waltz. Triple Two. West Coast Swing. I. Love. Them. All.

See? Self discovery has been happening but it seems to happen in slow motion. I want another one of those life altering, life changing, life moving forward moments but then again I need to learn to keep moving forward even if it is one baby step at a time. Ugh. This growing up thing blows.

In other news, I forgot to let you all know that I am not doing the 1/2 marathon in November but am actually doing the Rock 'n' Roll half in January. I'm excited to get back on track for training for that. Dance kinda took over my life so I haven't ran in 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! It's going to be like starting over when I get back to it on Friday.

I still don't have any idea what I am doing in life but then again as Judy stated something like it in one of her comments...I never will. I guess I need to learn to just deal.

If You Would Please

For all of those of you out there that pray please add me to your list for a couple days. I have a lot going on in my life that I am trying to work out and I just don't know where to go from here. Hopefully I will get my life together soon so I can finally write all of the awesomeness that has been swimming around in my head. *fingers crossed*

Also, I finally let someone take some pictures of my pole demo tonight. As you can see from the pics, I dress like a normal human being. This isn't a stripper class. I was also very proud of myself when I looked at them. I look so strong! I can't believe how far I have come from where I started over a year and a half ago. I am proud so of me!