Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Le Sigh...

I'm smitten. You still get no details except the Dating World decided to smile upon me and one of my girlfriends met him the other day and teased me a bit because she had never seen me like that. Apparently, I'm a giggler. Let's just put it this way...he makes me laugh, in a good way, until my face hurts. That's the most important quality to me. I don't want to jinx anything so I'm going to shut up now.

I don't have whole lot else to report...so...maybe more tomorrow? Probably...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Oh Man!

Oh how I WISH I was one of those people that wrote details about all of my dates but alas...I am not. DAMN IT! I have some good stuff to share. I mean GOOD! I know. That's a terrible thing to write and then leave as is but I have to do it. Sorry...

I think my thyroid is playing games with me again. Boo. I am in total crash mode...energy level wise. I am still getting my life in order but just with a little less energy. One of these days I show you my process that I went back to that is slowly getting my life in order. It is what I did every single day before I got married. I am still getting the kinks worked out so I don't want to show it before I have it perfected. Maybe by this time next week I'll be ready to unveil it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ignorance is Bliss

Ignorance is bliss, right? That's true except when you KNOW that what you are avoiding researching is going to completely change your world. That's why I avoided Food, Inc. for so long. The same goes for cosmetics. One of my blogger friends recommended a book that talks about it and I'm just not ready for that yet. I have hundreds of dollars worth of product that I would hate to throw out and yet....I can't pronounce 99% of the words on the ingredient list. That can't be good, can it? I guess the same goes for a lot of the ingredients in food. I have decided that at this point what is going INTO my body is going to take precedent on what is going on my body.

That being said, I am slowly making changes. The first change will be I am going to start making my own jam. Raspberry is my favorite so I am looking for a honey sweetened recipe to try. I am going to also learn how to can so I can have a nice supply and not have to do it every other week because I KNOW for a fact that won't work for me. I also eat a ton of jam so this is a good place to start.

Speaking of things that are working for me I have found a BIG one! Dishes have been a major struggle for me since living by myself but I have found a solution that has worked for over 2 weeks. I don't use the dishwasher anymore. I bought one of those in sink drainers that has changed my universe! My entire kitchen has been perfectly clean since then! Color me happy! A dirty kitchen makes my heart hurt and I don't have that problem anymore! YEAH!!!!!!! The same goes for my bathroom. It has also been perfectly clean. The bedroom is almost there but I am not rushing anything because I want these habits to stick around and not do that thing where I do too much and I end up failing because I couldn't do everything perfect. Slow and steady wins the race!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Insert Slap Here

Guilty as charged though I wasn't really charged but you know what I mean, right? When someone says something general that ends up striking you to you core? It totally happened today. It was like a sonic slap. It came out of nowhere and hit me so hard it took my breath away. My pastor was talking about how important it is to serve our local community and not just worry about going all over the world. I love that mentality because so often churches have one or the other but rarely do they have both. Anywho, the comment happened kinda like the following:

My pastor said, "We rank all of our conversations." Everyone in the crowd seemed to be just as confused as I was.  He continued with, "Say you walk into the break room of your job and the president is sitting there and you have a whole conversation with him. Pretty important, huh?" Everyone nodded in unison. He then continued with, "Let's say you go to Chick Filet and run into *some famous football players name I can't remember* and you have a whole conversation with him too. Pretty important, huh?" You could tell that every totally got what he is talking about. My pastor then turned around and was silent for what seemed like a whole minute before he continued with a broken voice,"And then you turn around to order your food and you don't even look up from texting on your phone to look at the person who is taking your order." SLAP. He finished with, "What if you treated every conversation you have with the same amount of importance? How do you think that would change the world?" SLAP.

It's true. I don't always take the time to talk to the person helping me. I even rank the places I go. There are some stores that if I'm on the phone when I get to the register I'll put my phone down as to not be rude to the cashier but not all places. There are some stores that I just keep right on talking. Ew. I'm not okay with that. Nothing like a good 'ole fashion dose of reality to hit you right between the eyes, huh?

My pastor likened it to the feeling of when you go to a party or a new place and no one takes the time to talk to or welcome you. Everyone can relate to that. You feel awkward. Then you feel uncomfortable. Then the feelings of worthlessness start to creep in even if it is just for a moment. I have to be different. I don't ever want to make someone feel as though they are unimportant or worthless. Ever. I always rationalize it with the fact that I am busy. I'm busy so if I'm going to talk to my friends/family is going to happen when I'm out and about. The fact of the matter is that it should never happen at the expense of someone else. EVER. My busyness isn't their fact. I'm the one who makes my schedule. I'm the one who chose my circumstances. Kinda hard to bitch about the choices I make and then expect everyone to just deal with it. I wish I could go back and apologize to anyone I made feel like that but I can't. I can just choose to be different from here on out. I choose different.

Friday, September 17, 2010

You Want Me To Eat What?

Here's the problem sometimes with educating yourself. Once you know something you can't unknow it. No matter how hard you try to pretend like you didn't just see what you just saw it doesn't work. You know it. That's why I avoided watching Food Inc. for so long. I knew it was going to be one of those movies that shifted my thinking forever not just for a week until it wears off but FOR-EV-ER. 

Here's the reality. I believe that certain animals were put on this earth to be a source of food for us. I don't believe that God intended those animals to be genetically altered to the point that they grow so fast and so big that their bones can't physically handle the weight therefore rendering them handicapped. That's right. Handicapped. Chickens now grow to be full sized in 49 days instead of 90 days. How in the world do you shave off 41 days without messing with the integrity of the product? You can't. I also don't believe that God intended for cows to eat corn. That's why there are so many e-coli outbreaks. Cows are being fed corn which isn't digesting properly and it becomes a breeding ground for e-coli. Never fear...the slaughter housing are now finding out that is they give the beef ammonia baths it cuts down on contamination. I'm sorry. Ammonia? For my food? Oh and add to the fact that these cows are standing "knee" deep in manure and are also so big and overgrown that they can't really handle their own weight. Don't worry they have a solution for that too. Just push them with a fork lift until they finally hobble their way to the slaughterhouse. Nice. Also, how do you kill 32,000 pigs in one day? Line them up and then quickly smash 'em. Live pigs go in. Dead pigs come out. This can't be how God intended us to treat the very animals that are supposed to provide us with nourishment. There is a human and an inhumane way to bring food to the table. What I saw was not humane. 

The interesting thing is that they interviewed a family that eats fast food on a regular basis because it is cheaper then buying and making food at home. $.99 burgers take the place of a healthy meal at home. They had a camera follow that very family into the store and video them talking about how much cheaper all of the unhealthy products were. They could get a burger for a buck or a head of broccoli for $1.39 or something. Cheaper. Faster. That's what we want. That's what we get. That's why our nation has the worst health this world has ever seen. 

I'm not really sure what I am going to do about it just yet but I need a plan to get me out of that world. I need to do more research about what is really going on so I am not just taking the word of some documentary. Things can be skewed though I don't think they really need to do much skewing from the looks of what I just saw. I need to find local people that are doing things that honest way. I don't care if I pay more. I don't care. I can't participate in that anymore. Cheaper or not. I can't. 

Dear Mindi's Birthday Cake,

Dear Mindi's Birthday Cake,

I ate you and I loved it but you hit the bottom of my stomach like a rock and are now just sitting there. I kinda wish I could go back in time and

A. Eat less


B. Not eat you at all

I knew better but you looked so delicious and that got the better of me.

Not cool,


Thursday, September 16, 2010

No More Crap.

I had all of these HUGE plans tonight but alas...I am too freaking exhausted to do any of it. Okay...I did a little but well...not all that I wanted to and you know what? I'm okay with that. I got a lot accomplished this morning and that, my friends, was enough to satisfy me for the day.

As far as life goes, I am feeling really good. Nothing is going according to plans and you know what? I'm okay with that too. I have always put so much pressure on myself to do perfect and be perfect and how's that worked out for me so far? Well...like crap. I've decided to do different and be different. Stuff happens and I am going to roll with the punches. Wish me luck!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

It's Time for Action

I have so many kinda thoughts swimming around and around in my head but nothing has come to the forefront as an actual complete blog post. So frustrating and yet...I don't want to rush them because they are going to be good. One thing that really stuck out that is kinda more of a stand alone idea is something my pastor said at church today.

My pastor mentioned how so often people think that the church is about them and that they need to be "spiritually fed" and sometimes people say things like, "I'm not being fed." He went onto explain how when someone says something like that they are implying that they are more spiritually deep then those that are delivering the message or others that are hearing it and that they are saying it in a way that makes them seem humble because it's not the person sharing the message it's just that it isn't enough for the them...no offense, right? Here was his response to the people that say that, "When you are 1 and your Mom spoon feeds you it's normal and no one questions it but if your 32 and your Mom is still spoon feeding you then maybe there is a problem. It is time that you take responsibility for your own spirituality." Kinda hard to argue with that, huh? I could laugh because I don't ever really feel like I'm not getting something out of whatever I'm listening to but at the same time that comment really made me stop and think about how much effort I am really putting into my relationship with God. I always leave church and my mentors so full of the love of God but so energized I can hardly stand it but I'm not doing much on my own. It is time that I pray more and read more. I don't know God and his word well enough and the reality is...I probably never will. Life is all about growing and changing and learning and failing and succeeding and laughing and crying and loving and living and well...you get the point. I need to know God in order to live a life that is a CORRECT representation of who he is. I can't be a kinda Christian. 

Friday, September 10, 2010

No Regrets!

Not gonna lie...I was nervous this morning. Why? Because I was stopping by my old work to pick up my notary stamp I forgot when I left months ago and I was afraid I was going to regret leaving. Instead? I left feeling even more confident that I made the best decision EVER! Even better was the fact that I didn't feel obligated to talk to any of the people I wasn't the most fond of. Such. A. Relief.

I also have my mojo back after being sick! That, my friends, makes for an awesome day! No regrets about leaving my old job AND I am feeling better AND I finally feel like I have found my groove at the dance studio AND I have some design work that is going really well AND I have a super duper amazing day planned for tomorrow AND I have a couple of people coming to church with me on Sunday AND as I was at my old place of employment I got loads of compliments about how awesome I look AND I love my job! Isn't it amazing what letting go of control does? God is so so so so so so so good! Here's to praying that I keep it up...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm Sorry...What?!

Boo. Just when I got my motivation back and was ready to roll on several things in my life I got sick. I don't do sick very well. In fact, I suck at it. Yesterday I woke up to a temperature, the shakes, I could barely stand and I had no grip. I stayed in bed hoping that just a little bit more sleep would help me but I finally had to give up and call in sick. I hate doing that. I then spent the remainder of the day in bed sleeping. I was talking to someone later last night and they described it best by saying, "It's that feeling when you just want to lay in bed with your eyes closed. Not necessarily sleeping but just laying quietly." It was most definitely like that. This morning though I don't feel 100% but I'm mighty close to it. Yes!

I learned a valuable lesson this last week. I met someone really awesome. We went out on a couple of dates. I really enjoyed his company but during a movie this following conversation happened. We went and saw Eat Pray Love. I liked the movie but there was a scene towards the end that showed the main character going off about being sick and tired of everyone telling her that she needs a man. A man who she had become friends with looks at her and says, "You don't need a man. You need a warrior." I slowly looked at the guy to my right and thought, "F*ck. He's not Christian." I actually thought that. At the moment I made a choice. No matter how much I liked this guy I couldn't date him. During church the next day I prayed about the best way to tell him and I remembered something that one of my mentors had told me once that sometimes writing a letter about it is best because you can share your feelings without them arguing about it so that's just what I did. I wrote him.

I wrote that he was a really great guy and I enjoyed my time with him but I can't date him. He's not Christian and I knew that going in. Since I was the one who was changing the deal I was going to leave the next communication up to him but he needed to know that going forward we would just be friends. I never expected his reaction. When we talked later that night he was so upset with me. Not because of what I wrote but because I never invited him to church. He said, "You aren't even going to give me a chance? You aren't even going to invite me to church?" I was speechless. That isn't the normal reaction. At all.

Normally people think that you are trying to change them and I normally would have never heard from him again. I am not about changing him. I just need a guy who shares the same values as me as far a dating goes. We have decided that we are friends and he is going to go to church with me. One of the things that he said to me that really struck me was, "What if we met for a reason other then dating? What if you were supposed to introduce me to God?" He's right. Sometimes lessons come from the most unexpected places.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

It Isn't Always About Me

If you have been reading this blog for a while then you know I struggle with withdrawing and seem to think that I can handle things better on my own. Also if you have been following me for a while then you know how it always works out. It doesn't. I end up sad and depressed. I am usually pulled out of it by persistent family and friends calling me and inviting me and generally making me feel missed. Oh and a little bit of hounding too. It's amazing how hard it is to get out of the funk and then all of the sudden after spending some time surrounded by those I love and who love me back I feel better. Funny how that works out, huh?

This past weekend I almost ended up going to Utah to visit my super amazing cousins and then I remembered some commitments I had made months ago. I couldn't cancel them. I had to instead not go to Utah and stay here and follow through with my commitments. It turned out to be one of the most bittersweet decisions I have ever made. Not only was it the correct decision but it also was exactly what I needed. The main commitment I had made was to run the graphics at my church. That means I attended all 3 services on the very topic that I constantly struggle with. Connecting. How does God always seem to know just what I need when I need it? It is like he has a plan or something. Anywho, after I listened to it 3 times and took ample notes (see below) I was sadly happy that I had chosen to stay. I needed this sermon...all 3 times.

The title of the sermon was Connect: How Relationships Become the Power Supply of Spiritual Growth.

Here are some key points that really stuck out to me. Some of which I actually wrote in my Bible next to the verses we were using. You can probably see all of the notes in the picture above.
One of the great causes of all our personal and emotional struggles is the lack of togetherness. 
God uses ordinary people to change other people's lives. 
The most important reason to connect is not that it solves loneliness or makes us physically healthy. The great value of connecting is that it is the place where God meets us. 
People (read: me) sometimes act like they don't need to connect but deep inside we all long for it. God has put a relational hole in our heart that NOTHING else can fill. 
I can't keep doing it to myself. You know...the disappearing and not calling people back thing. Or the not do anything with anyone for weeks at a time. That is when I get farther and farther away from God. I changed my tune on Sunday afternoon. I cancelled some plans I had with people that were not REALLY important to me and spent most of the evening at MUM's place with my family that had stayed in Phoenix and then spent the rest of the night at D&G's so full of excitement I could hardly stand it. I really am the most lucky person in the world!

The moral of this story is don't allow yourself to get separated from those you love and care about. The reality is that they need you just as much as you need them. You never know when you are the one person that will help them with something that you, if you wouldn't have made the time, would never had known about. It might just be the time you spend together just being together. So, as my pastor ended his sermon with, pour yourself into connecting and connect deep.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Waivers, Lack of Following Directions and The 29 #12

The moment we pulled in the parking lot I just knew this was one of the dumbest ideas I have ever had. Trapeze lessons? Who the hell wants to learn how to fly on a trapeze? Apparently 6 months ago I did when I convinced a couple of my friends to buy the Groupon with me so we could do something fun. We wandered our way inside Trapeze U where we were greeted by a very friendly employee and a waiver like I had never seen before. The 3 of us instantly turned into "those people". What do you mean people often get hurt? How many and what kind of injuries are we talking about here? No seriously. What's this place all about? Blah, blah, blah. After the poor employee finally got us completely signed and out the door the worrying really began. The platform was like 3 stories in the air. Who. Was. I. Kidding.

They got us strapped into belts and went over like 5 minutes of directions. All I remember from the directions was the biggest problem we (Trapeze U) have with people doing things wrong is them not following directions. If you want to be successful then listen to what we are telling you. All I could think was, "Wow, he's kind of a dick."

They sent the first person, Becca, up. That girl has guts like I have never seen before. All we had to do was swing out, flip out legs up on the bar, let go with out hands, swing out, grab on with our hands, pull out legs down, swing our legs forward, backwards, forwards, then release our hands and tuck them around our knees for a backflip to land in the net. Easy, right? Only if you follow directions. Here are the two perspectives.

When you are watching someone else on the trapeze it looks like this:

Swing out
Tuck your legs up
Release your hands
Grab on the with your hands
Pull your legs down
Swing your legs forward
Tuck and Flip
Land on the net

When you are the one on the trapeze if feels like this:

BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, and land on the net.

I bet there wasn't one time that I followed every single direction. You think you have all of this time but when you are up there everything happens so fast! The first time I went I just swung out and dropped on the net. By my third time I had pretty much done everything. My 5th and 6th time? I did a transfer which means that there was someone else on the other Trapeze that caught me and I let go of mine and swing with them and then dropped to the net. It is addicting. Every bit about it is addicting. I could have gone a couple more times but my hands were raw, the back of my knees ached and I just couldn't afford to get too sore because of what I do for a living. After everyone had finished they brought out a couple of awards. Becca and I got one for doing the transfer. I am going to frame it like it is my freaking bachelors degree. I earned that bad boy.

All in all it was an awesome experience. They employees were great. It was a very safe environment for what we were doing and it was an awesome bonding time with two of my most favorite people not to mention the fact that that is one of the times I have been most proud of myself. Here are some pictures and a short video for your viewing pleasure.


Saturday, September 4, 2010

I Feel Like Santa

Making a list and checking it twice...yeah baby!

I feel like the Kathy that hasn't been around since before I met my ex-husband is back. I am driven. I am passionate. I am so unbelievably excited I can hardly stand it! I have really been praying and thinking about changing for a while now and BAM! I'm different. Completely. I wrote a list a mile long today and accomplished all of it except for getting my water jug refilled and I can totally live without that for another day. I didn't wind down either. This is it! This is what I having been hoping for. This is what I have been praying for! I am back to my old self but better. Kathy 2.0 is what I am going to call her. I have everything planned out until Monday and guess what? It is all doable. I was realistic. I feel so good I can hardly stand it! Okay...enough of that.

I am also feeling at peace with the ballroom studio. I was struggling because I just didn't feel like I fit. All of the things that everyone else is so passionate about...I'm just not. At all. So yesterday one of my bosses was talking to us about our goals and out of the blue she looked at me and said, "You are driven by money are you?" At first I was really confused because she was talking to someone else about their particular goals but I slowly responded, "no, not at all." That was one of the biggest compliments I have EVER received. I have tried to live my life striving for the things that really mattered like relationships and living how God wants me to live and I didn't know how I was doing with it but that comment provided proof to me that I am living how I hoped I was living. That was seriously one of my proudest moments of my life. I also finally verbalized what I want to get out of teaching ballroom. I want the same thing that I enjoy about teaching pole. I want to be an active part of someone changing their life. How freeing it was to admit that the money isn't what is driving me. Don't get me wrong...money is necessary but it isn't the REASON I am doing what I am doing.

I also got stopped in my tracks tonight at Trader Joe's. I generally buy a bottle of water right before I teach any class whether it be an intro class or a private party so I always buzz in and buzz out. I also generally get the same cashier. He knows what I do and where I work but I was still dressed in my ballroom clothes so he asked where I was going. I explained the situation and do you know what he said? He said, "You're always on the go." Yuck. He's right. I have been practicing being still as far and waiting for certain things but I'm never just still. Damn. Add that to my list...

I really want to go back and read this but I have to be up by 6:30 and it is already 2:00 so I am going to post it and hope that it isn't too much of a train wreck. 'Night all!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Oh Boy!

I got it! I got it! My motivation has come back to me! I didn't blog for a couple days because it was the same ole' crap I was feeling and I didn't want to demotivate people due to my complete lack of motivation and boohooing. Never fear though...it is back! I feel so good today! I feel so positive today! I feel very much like the person I am meant to be instead of the person I was acting like. I started making changes immediately. None of this, "I'll do it tomorrow bullshit." I did it NOW. It was so freeing. The greatest part is I have so many friends and family that are asking me what they can do to help me. I feel so loved I can barely handle it! The thing is that I needed to find something within myself to get it handled. That something came from God. I am so excited that I feel that drive again. I needed to strip myself self down (not my clothes) and really figure out what was going on. I realized I was feeling a loss of sense of significance. I didn't feel like I was contributing. That was all in my head though. I'll write more later!


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