Adieu

Dear 2010,

Adieu is French for farewell and with a diet Dr. Pepper/Rum in one hand and my computer in the other that is just what I am saying to you. I won't miss you either. Don't get me wrong...you brought a lot of wonderful changes into my life but I'm ready for new...for fresh...for another chance to make me a better me. Why is it that a new year seems so cleansing? People often write these gynormous lists of everything they are going to change about themselves and end up falling flat. I did. I didn't necessarily fall flat as much as my goals weren't what they needed to be and like a dumbie I spent most of the year plan-less. Let's just say...I was less then successful. I'm going to do things differently in 2011 though. I haven't committed my list to paper yet but by this time tomorrow all of my decisions for what to strive for in the coming year will be out for the whole world to see. Enough about 2011...let's focus on what you did for me. 

• My car got stolen.
• I quit my job.
• I learned an insane amount of information about myself. 
• I met the bestest most amazingest guy on the planet.
• I lost a lot inches but not necessarily weight.
• I learned that family is way more important then friends because friends come and go...families don't...they may disappoint but at the end of the day...they're still there. 
• Completely and totally got over my ex-husband.
• I moved...again.
• I successfully lived with a roommate even though it was my brother.
• Found the most wonderful church on the planet! 

There is more particular order to any of that and I know there is WAY more than that but that list will have to do. All in all I consider you a success. Not a huge one but an adequate one. I didn't go backwards. That's a blessing. I didn't take a bunch of huge leaps forwards but here I am. Me. I can't complain about how far I came. I am the deciding factor of that and I refuse to be mad at myself so Me will just have to do. 2011? That's a whole other story because this time I have a sidekick. A sidekick who share a lot of my same goals. It's easier to stay motivated when you have someone who keeps you chugging along when all you want to do it go to bed and pull the covers over your head. He won't let me. The reality is I could do it on my own. I've done it before but the other reality is...I don't have to. 

Much Love,

Kathy

Branded

Did you know there are secret clubs out there that you don't actually know exist until you enter them...unknowly, of course? Let me write a little background first. I hold no real loyalty to anything. To clarify there are places that I prefer and things that I would rather do BUT I hold nothing against anyone who doesn't share the same views or preferences. All of that being said, I was inducted into a club on Christmas day when I opened my gifts from boyfriend. You see...he went to Ohio State...correction...THE Ohio State University. I had no idea what it was all about when I walked into his house for the first time. There was OSU paraphernalia everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE. Cups in the cabinet. Pictures on the wall. Blanket on his bed. Coasters in the living room. Blanket over his work chair. More shirts than he could wear in a month. I had never seen so much stuff dedicated to one place! I thought he was a bit weird about it but the longer we hung out the more I saw that it was an OSU thing. We were stopped by other THE Ohio State University alumni at church, when out dancing, in the grocery store, at the mall, when walking down the street, and for the love of God and all that is holy when we were at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. It blows my mind every time we get stopped. There is instant conversation. Some commonality. The sharing of a love. The love of THE Ohio State University.

It was pretty much a given that I would be getting OSU stuff for Christmas but I didn't realize that by wearing it I would be automatically inducted into THE Ohio State University's secret club. I was stopped while on the plane standing in line to use the bathroom by someone who had to tell me their favorite experience while in college. It was mind blowing! Here's another thing you should know...THE Ohio State University has a rival and by rival I mean it literally makes boyfriend (as well as the other members of his family and any other person who attended OSU who I have met) gag when he sees people wearing a University of Michigan shirt. It cracks me up because it seems almost involuntary. For example, at church we were watching a clip about a baby who was born with a whole in his heart but by the grace of God recovered. Well...one of the scenes showed that baby in a Michigan onesie and I suddenly heard a loud gasp next to me. I looked over to see boyfriend's hand covering his gaping mouth. I felt awful because I burst out in laughter. It had nothing to do with the clip we were watching but I still looked like an insensitive prick. See my point? Not even a new born baby who survived by a miracle is immune. Michigan is Michigan. I doubt I will take it that far but I have to admit....I wore my sweater and sweatpants with pride. (shhhhh...don't tell Lindsey!)

I'm Sorry...Today is What?!

The end of the year is quickly approaching. In fact, the day after tomorrow is the last day of 2010. Can you believe it?! It is now the time of the year that I need to re-evaluate my entire life and figure out what I want to focus on for the next 12 months. Wow...12 months sounds like a lot of time when you think of it that way but in reality is just wizzes by without hardly stopping to smell the roses. I set a lot of lofty goals last year that weren't realistic and just plain not that important in the grand scheme of things. This year it will be different. I haven't decided what I want to do and in fact...I haven't committed anything to paper yet. Writing it down makes it more real. I'm not ready for real yet. I'm just in the planning stages.

Speaking to time flying by...I got home today and MAN! does it feel good. I am beyond excited to sleep in my own bed tonight. What is it about sleeping in your own bed that just plain makes sleep 1,000 times better? I digress...I picked Maddie up on my way home from the airport and as we were driving home I found myself looking at her. More than I should have considering the fact that I was driving. I realized she is old. I know I have said that before but I often forget and then this sudden reminder slams me right in my face. Maddie's old. She's 9 1/2. Of course, she will more then likely live for a couple more years but the end is nearing. I can't bear the thought of it. She has been with me through thick and thin. She was there when I wasn't getting along with my family. She was there when I got married and divorced. She, along with me, has had 4 different men a part of her life....3 boyfriends and a husband. She and I were always the ones left to take care of each other. What am I going to do without her? She is my rock on this earth. God hand picked her for me....I know it....

Hi! My Name Is...

Phoenix could learn a thing or 2 from both Utah and Ohio...seriously. All the time I hear people complain about unfriendly people in the Phoenix area are and I have to say I completely agree. Once we drive into out garage and shut the door we all completely on our own until we leave for work the next day. We have our high wall making everything completely closed off unless...UNLESS you make a huge effort like the people in my sister in law's neighborhood to get outside of those wall and meet the people around you. The people in Utah and Ohio have it a bit easier. The walls to their yards are either completely non-existent or short little picket fence style walls. You automatically can talk to your neighbor because there isn't a 7 foot block fence in the way. Boyfriend is pretty friendly...he knows all of the neighbors but I struggle with getting to know them for some reason so I guess this post should really read I could learn something from Utah and Ohio.

Christmas Day, Inflight Internet and The 29 #15

It's Christmas Day and I am on a plane on my way to Ohio. That's right, folks...I am using the new inflight internet that Delta has available. For some reason it seems both pretty awesome and slightly unsettling at the same time. Oh well...let the typing begin. I always thought traveling on Christmas Day would be awful but instead it has been filled with wonderful people and minimal to no lines. Totally not what I expected at all. Everyone is in the best mood due to the holiday so there have been tons of smiles and kind words. If only traveling was like this all the time but...alas...it is not. I am most definitely going to take advantage of it though. I love smiles.

Christmas was so awesome this year. The drive up to Utah was harrowing but the fun that ensued after arrival was much needed. Laughing, hugging and spending time with family is how I have spent the last 6 days. I am looking forward to doing the same for the next 4. The anticipation of meeting boyfriends family is mounting as the minutes roll by. I'll come back to that thought later though. I was able to spend Christmas Eve with my older sister and her family last night. That was truly a blessing. She and I haven't spent much time together since she moved to Utah and I loved every moment of it. It was nice that we could be together all day and I left wanting to spend more time with her. She and I never had a relationship like that before. I'm glad it has changed. Her husband and 2 boys are such a delight. I was blessed with getting to hold her brand new, 6 week old babya ton yesterday and again today before I left as he slept. He's quite cuddly like that. Her older son then helped me finish my packing. I'm kinda getting teary eyed thinking about them. I love my neice and nephews...all 5 of them. I still remember when my sister in law got pregnant for the second time. I was seriously terrified. I love(d) my neice so much and I honestly didn't know how I could share that love. I fretted about it like you couldn't believe until the day I met my nephew. You know what happened? I didn't have to share. My heart grew and it keeps growing as we add another member to the family whether it be a new in-law or another baby...it just keeps growing. I am beyond the luckiest girl in the world.

I was sad to leave my family today but at the same time so excited to see boyfriend. I haven't seen him since I left Monday afternoon. I can't spend another holiday without him. I constantly felt like I was missing a piece of me. Not in a "co-dependant, I can't exist without you kind of way" but in a "we are supposed to spend holidays together" kind of way. We've already talked and agreed we are together the whole time next year. That's how it should be.

Maybe this inflight internet thing isn't so bad...

Back to the meeting of the rest of boyfriend's family. I am torn between being terrified that they won't like me and being sure that they will. I think I'm pretty fun to be around but then again...ah! Boyfriend is completely confident that they will love me so I have to trust that they will. He knows them best and I have already met his younger brother who like me so I'm 25% there. Wish me luck!

Growing Older

This growing older thing sometimes catches me completely off guard. Don't get me wrong...it doesn't bother me. Not at all. In fact, the older I get the better life seems to get. I have more experience with things. I feel waaaaay more capable of handling things but yet...I feel so unsettled. I always thought I would be in a completely different place. I figured I would be married with at least 1 or 2 children by now but instead...I'm not married with a divorce under my belt and no closer to having a child then I was...well pretty much ever. On top of all of that I am still completely clueless as to what I want to be when I grow up and above all else...I still feel somewhat lost. I know a lot more about myself then I ever have which is definitely a giant step in the right direction but still..."they" have this idea of what and where I should be and I not there. Not even close. I way behind what "they" think I should be doing. I'm okay with that though because, for the most part, I like where I am at. I like who I am.

I spent some time with my older sister tonight. She and I have notoriously had a rocky relationship. We fought A LOT when we were growing up and even into our adulthood. That's kinda embarrassing to admit but it is true. I've said some awful things to her. Some things I wish I could take back but you know what? All of that was left out in the cold tonight. Our conversation was real and raw and needed. I miss her. I also miss getting to watch her 2 little kids grow up. They are a riot! I love being an aunt. That is the best "job" I have. It's awesome! I love the hugs and kisses. I love getting to read them books or feed them their bottle. It's the best. Watching my sisters and sister-in-law being Mom's has changed my perspective on them. I think it is part of that growing older thing. Everything changes. You priorities have to change. You are no longer to free to come and go. Leaving the house turns into an ordeal rather than a quick grab your coat and purse and go thing. It's awesome to see them in action. It's awesome to see the looks of adoration their kids give them. The kids too get better with age. They start to communicate and give those amazing hugs. Being an aunt in so wonderful!

I've been sleeping like crazy the last couple of days. My body seems to be in shut down mode. I slept for 10.5 hours again last night. My body doesn't know what to do with itself without having a million things going on at once. Quite frankly neither does my mind. I gotta get my butt in gear with getting a job when I get back. Seriously...I need a job for my own sanity sake.

Where's My List?!

I woke up in somewhat of a panic today. I laid in bed for a minute processing the fact that the only thing on my to-do list today was to help with whatever my cousin needed help with for my future SIL's bridal shower. My body didn't know what to do with itself. I think I could get use to this though...this not having a million and one things to do. I wish boyfriend was here with me to enjoy doing nothing with but I'll have to wait until Saturday for that. I can't believe it is already Wednesday. Seriously...it feels like this week is just flying by but at the same time I haven't had to do a lot sine Monday so it feels less busy but it's still flying by. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say so I'm going to change subjects.

It was so nice turning in the keys to my apartment on Monday afternoon. I got there at 6:45 in the morning so I could make sure I had enough time to get everything cleaned and then...I was done by 7:30. I guess it pays to finally have my place in order and a regular cleaning schedule. Stuff gets done QUICK! I then had time to stop and chat with my Mom for a bit before dropping Miss Maddie off at my SIL place since she is watching her while I am gone. I love my conversations with my Mom. I love that I can be 100% honest about everything that I am thinking and feeling. I don't have to filter my thoughts or ideas because I am afraid of what she may think. It's so nice. Anywho, I then dropped off Maddie and sped home to finish packing. All in all I was only a little late to my brother's house but that's okay. The keys were dropped off along the way. I'm done with my apartment. I'm done moving. I have a bit more to unpack but I may just keep it packed since we will be moving in a couple of months anyway. Who knows.

I don't really have a whole lot to report on...that feels weird to even write that. Oh! I have decided that Christmas 2011 will be a 100% homemade Christmas and by homemade it can be things like picture frames that I have bought but they must have somesort of a homemade element to them. That also means that I have to start in Janaury making stuff so I don't get down to the wire at the end of the years and have to rush it all out. The reason I decided on this project is because as I was packing all of my stuff I ran across a notebook my younger sister made me for Christmas like 9 years ago. She had taken a ton of time to make copies of pictures from our childhood and she made them into a little book for me. It got me thinking...of all of the gifts I have gotten over the years this is the one gift that I have kept and looked at over and over and over again. That is a freaking awesome gift if I must say so. I want to give those kinds of gifts. The gifts that people want use and keep and show off. If you have any ideas please let me know. I'm open to anything!

15 Hours Later...

Nothing like a typically 9 hour drive to turn into a 15 hour one. It was absoutely brutal. It snowed and snowed and snowed and snowed. There were times that we were driving 19 mph but we decided it was better to drive in that weather in the middle of the night with the road to ourselves then to do it during the day with tons of other people on the road and right we were. I was exhausted by the time we got here though since I was up for 29 hours straight. I don't recommend that at all. Hmm...I had lots more things to write but all I can think about now is sleeping so...to be continued.

Mmmm...That Crow is Delicious

No one likes being wrong. Well...maybe some people do but I don't think I know any of those people. Anywho, I had a moment the other day where I was making an appointment for a groupon I purchased and the gal who answered the phone told me something differently then I thought it was so what did I do? I essentially called her a liar in a not so nice way and in a very stern voice. I told her that I was going to print out what it said and they would honor it. Thank goodness my phone cut out before I could add anything else because when I went to look it up. Oh shit. I was wrong. Completely and totally wrong. I then had the moral dilemma that I think most people have do I call back in like a week, hope she forgot my voice and try to make the appointment again or...do I call back and apologize? I picked up the phone and dialed the number again. Immediately asked her for her forgiveness and do you know what happened? First, she was completely taken back because...well...I don't know and then she was the most helpful person on the planet. She even supplied me with a bunch of information that I didn't know but made things even easier. Isn't that cool?! I wish I would have been nicer from the get go but I'm glad I fessed up. That would have eaten away at me.

I am finished with even more at my apartment. The bedroom is completely clean out along with my closet. That means that I am just down to my living room and part of the office (furniture mainly). Good thing too because I need to be done by Monday afternoon. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Ah! Make it stop!

Sick with Worry

Literally. I literally made myself sick with worry. I don't have a fever. I don't feel like I want throw up. I just want to sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. I didn't get out of bed until 4 yesterday afternoon and I am still feeling it today. To say that the timing is completely inconvenient would be an understatement but it is best that I went ahead and took a break rather than pushing it and really getting myself sick. You know? That would totally get in the way of my vacation. I'm worry about a job. I'm worrying about moving. I'm worrying about worrying. I stressed myself out so much that I gave myself a stye. Have you ever had one of those? They freaking hurt! It felt like I got punched in the eye...repeatedly. It went away in like 4 days but still. I gave myself a stye. I took it really easy today too. I got up at like 10ish and have just puttered around the house. I made some muffins, a nice big breakfast for boyfriend and took the doggies for a walk but other than that I have done nothing. I'm fixing to go take a shower and head to my apartment. I don't have much left at all. Just books really.

We picked up the bed last night and thank goodness I have a good relationship with my neighbors. They helped boyfriend with all of the carrying. I had nothing in the tank. I got to play Santa when they were done though. My neighbors aren't in the best financial shape and there are literally 8+ people living in a 2 bedroom apartment. I gave them my dresser, TV, 2 end tables and coffee table. They were so appreciative. I don't care about stuff but at the same time it was humbling and somewhat cleansing to get rid of so much stuff in such a short period of time. I wish I could say it didn't affect me at all but I then had a mini meltdown when we got home. I wanted to unload the bed frame and boyfriend could tell I was beyond exhausted so we fought. Dumbest fight ever but it came down to the fact that I have gotten rid of pretty much my entire life aside from my freaking sweet bed and I just wanted to make sure it stayed safe. I guess I care about stuff a little. I don't have much to my name anymore so the things that I do have I want to take care of. Does that make sense?

You're Freaking Fired

I fired a client today...if you can call her that. I have a tendency to take a lot of crap from people, in both my personal and professional life. I let them walk all over me, say awful things to me, and just plain take too much abuse because I don't want to rock the boat. I want everyone to be happy but sometimes enough is enough. Lately that has been the case for me. I'm not taking it anymore.

I designed this woman's webiste...twice...I paid out of pocket to make sure that it was up and running in time for her to turn it in to be considered for a contest that required her to have a website...over a month ago. Her thank you? This... "Tell me how much you need for me to pay for the part that you gave to the web site to get things going. I thought it was around $50.00." I'm sorry...what?! Get things going? I completed the website not only once but I did a complete redesign on a Saturday night because she didn't like how it was. I told her...thanks but no thanks. I don't need that. I spent more than 7 hours on her portfolio website and I can only imagine how she would have reacted if someone wanted to pay her $50 for a piece of her artwork.

I usually try to keep personal items like this offline but I have had it with people. I have a degree in designing. That's right...that's what I went to COLLEGE for and people want to pay me nothing to design for them. No. No, I will not do that for you for $50. There's a reason why people have crappy designs. It's because they pay for what they get. I'm a fantastic designer and would rather not design at all than to be insulted by people who tell me, "I'll give you $75 for a logo." That's not worth it. It's insulting is what that is. People want me to treat them like a charity case because they are starting a business and don't have a lot of money to pay for something. Do stores drop their price just because you want that jacket but don't have enough money to buy it? No. It's simple...you don't get the jacket. Ugh. Can you tell I'm pissed about this?!

When Did That Happen?!

Did you know that today is December 13th?! We are now less then 2 weeks away from Christmas! I leave for Utah is 1 week. That means I need to finish the last 2 gifts I need plus help boyfriend with his for his family. I need to finish moving out of my old place. I need to pack for 10 days of being out of town. Hopefully my super rad cousin will let me do laundry at her place so I don't have to pack so much. Time is just flying by. I always heard that as soon as you have kids time starts to fly but I have to say I can't see how it can get much faster than it is right now. We are only a couple of weeks away from 2011. I am in a total tail spin at the thought of that! As I was writing my to-do list for today late last night I realized that there weren't a whole bunch of things of my list I need to do today but of the things that are on my list they are all quite time consuming. I have to get my butt in gear! In addition to all of that I am meeting with the main placement agency I will be working with on Tuesday. Kinda nervous about that but at the same time beyond stoked about it! It is going to bring me so much peace to finally be employed again. I seriously can't wait! This past week boyfriend and I sucked at working out. We only worked out 3 days and of those 3 days we only ran 2 of them. My body is definitely feeling it. We have to get back on the train in a big way this week. I can't handle too much more inactivity like we had this week. Ugh. On a brighter note, we planned the whole weeks meals I made my way over to the grocery store. I spent less then $50 for the entire weeks worth of food. Here is the schedule for the weeks.

Monday - Meatloaf and mashed potatoes (this is one of boyfriends most favorite meals but I'm not a huge fan of it. It totally works because I have to teach pole class so I won't be home)

Tuesday - Chicken pot pie and salad

Wednesday - Goulash and ceasar salad

Thursday - Pecan honey crusted pork chops and green beans

Friday - Hamburgers, potato salad and corn on the cob

Saturday - Out to eat with friends

Sunday - My families traditional homemade pizzas for our Christmas celebration

Doesn't that all sound delish? In addition to all of that we make eggs or the likes for breakfast and usually do leftovers or PB&J sandwiches for lunch. So stoked for the week ahead. We are going to rock it!

Know Thyself - Part 2

I dyed my hair back to all brown this week. Well Sarah did but you know what I meant. Anywho, I struggled with it. A lot. Not because it was going back to all brown but because it was like I was saying goodbye to who I thought I was. Sarah hit it right on the head with me though. Once I finally accept who I really am instead of who I thought I was then I will finally stop living in constant inner conflict. Ouch, huh? Right she was.

Here is who I thought I was...I thought I was a go with the flow, everything is going to be amazing no matter what, I am willing to do anything anytime free spirit who was trapped in the corporate worldjust waiting to break free from the chains of routine and schedules that bound me. I was in this life that was just waiting to happen...if only. And then I did.

I quit my corporate job. I allowed myself to do everything that I thought I wanted. I taught ballroom which turned into another ugh job but it gave me a gift that I can never repay it. I tried to be that free spirit that just goes whichever the wind blows but as I learned at the studio...that is not me. Going back to the list that I posted on Know Thyself Part 1 I immediately pegged myself Significance and Growth. Hands down. That was me. I know who I am. That is most definitely me. I could spot myself a mile away. Yup, that's me. Um...not a freaking chance. That is not me. Well...a little bit. I am definitely a growth person. I can't stand being stagnant. I always have to be moving forward but...BUT I have to know when it is going to be happening and how it is going to be happening. I like a heads up. I am, in fact, a Security and Love & Connection person. There wasn't a chance on Hell or on Earth that I thought I was a Security person but I am. I like to know what is happening and if...IF plans change it takes me a minute or 10 to adjust. The Growth in me will slowly kick it and it is almost as if the Growth person in me has to give the Security in me a pep talk. I imagine is goes something like this, "It's going to be okay. I know you thought it was going to happen like this but it isn't. It's going to be fine. This way you will be somewhere new and try something that you have never tried before. You like that, remember? You can add it to your list of things you have never done before. Cool, huh?" Of course that is just an idea but I can't be too far off from the truth, can I?

The fact of the matter is it's okay that I like my hair to be brown. I actually breathed an inner sigh of relief when she took the towel off and revealed my hair. That isn't the reaction I thought I would have. I thought it would be sadness that I HAD to change my hair back to a more naturally looking color because of the fact that I am looking to get a "real job" again but it wasn't. It was complete and utter relief. I feel like myself again. I can't imagine there is a greater gift I can give myself in the whole wide world then to accept myself as myself.

I'm conservative.
I like to have a plan. (Do I need to be more flexible if plans change though? Most definitely.)
I like having a job that guarantees a paycheck.
I like being around people.
I love connecting with people.
I love people.
I love my schedule.
I love my routines.
I feel off-kilter when I lose my schedule or routine.

Speaking of schedules...I'm behind schedule. I have to get ready for the day, buy a birthday card, go visit my niece and wish her happy birthday, maybe buy a new cocktail dress for the party tonight, go to a dance instructor meeting at Express MiE, deposit a couple checks, come home, rearrange the bedroom, wrap the gift for the white elephant exchange, relax for a bit, maybe take a nap because I am going to be out late, get ready for the Express MiE staff party and go to the party. Better get to it!

Things I've Learned...#1

I learn things all of the time (mainly through trial and error) and thought it would be fun to post some of said things. Todays topic? Things I've learned while being a passenger on a badass Harley Davidson motorcycle.

1. I've learned to appreciate windshields. A bug that hits a windshield while driving at 65 mph has no effect on me. A bug that hits me in the face while driving at 65 mph feels like a small torpedo has just been launched into my face. The helmet with a face guard definitely helps with that though.

2. I've learned that birds sometimes don't see you until it is too late. It felt like a scene from the birds the other day while driving to church because we suddenly found ourselves surrounded on all sides and above by an entire flock of black birds.

3. I've learned that having doors and a roof can be very beneficial especially when driving over 65 mph with very high winds. It kinda feels like you are a rag doll getting tossed around the road. The added bonus though is the fact that your abs get a MAJOR workout while you try to keep yourself upright.

4. I've learned that 50 degrees inside of a car feels like the temperature that you set your heater at while 50 degrees on a motorcycle feels like the frigid air from the south pole. Oh and a side note: wearing a knit sweater while riding on a motorcycle is the equivalent of wearing a string bikini bathing suit.

5. I've learned that you will actually be riding eye candy. Every man driving a minivan will I-rape the bike as it goes by. I can see the longing look in their eyes as we blow past.

6. I've learned that riding on the back of a bike does not mix well with having to take benedryl. Boyfriend and I met friends for sushi, which I love, but somehow some sort of a crustacean made its way into my food and my tongue started to swell and my throat started to close. If you haven't guessed then you should know that I am HIGHLY allergic to crustaceans. Needless to say that was a VERY slow and careful ride home with me trying to not fall asleep.

7. I've learned that I love riding. Boyfriend really enjoys it which makes it even more fun for me. I have found that I prefer riding in temps over 60 degrees and not exceeding 65 mph. My plans for the future? Save up enough money to buy a better, nothing special car, sell my current car and use the proceeds to buy my very own starter bike. Once again, nothing special, but something that will be good for me to learn on.

What have you learned lately?

Sensitive Sally

I am such a sensitive Sally lately! No offense intended if your name is Sally...it just kinda fit. Anywho, I have no idea what is going on with me but man! I think it goes back to everything that I am going through but still...I want to just be normal again. I met with a good girlfriend who also may have nailed it on the head...my thyroid. Ugh. Lots of changes are happening like moving and some adjustments in friendships plus changing my workout schedule plus being completely unfulfilled as far as careerwise goes plus getting ready to go out of town for almost 10 days. Oh and I giving a really important talk in a couple months that I am already starting to plan. I'm stressed. Really stressed. I've starting cutting out lots and lots and lots of stressers so I can get down to a more manageable existence. It goes to show how our bodies are connected...deeply. I have another appointment to meet with a placement agency so hopefully I will find the right position for me quickly. I've been praying about it for a while. *fingers crossed*

I think I overplan. I've already started my packing list for the trip I don't leave for until the 21st. Is that excessive? Wait...don't answer that. I already know the answer. Boyfriend and I were talking last night and he kinda called me out. Not in a bad way but in a "I love you and want you to be happy" way. I'm too rigid. I like things the way I like things and I really struggle when things change unexpectedly. I'll write more about that later because that is more a part of the Know Thyself post I have planned.

I also have all of these really great posts planned but I can't seem to find the right words yet so until then...

Hungover

I feel completely and utterly hungover but it isn't because of booze. The last 2 days boyfriend and I have gone out to eat. Not because of choice per say but still. Italian on Monday and good ole' fashioned burgers last night. We never eat like that and our bodies are making us pay for it. The stomach ache I have is monumental. I want to flush everything out of my body. I feel so gross. There is no way I could eat like this all the time. My body would probably quit on me!

I've been in such a funky mood lately. That is all.

Know Thyself - Part 1

The blog has been the long, written journey of me trying to figure who I am. I thought I knew but the longer this has gone on the more I have realized that I was/am completely clueless. Six months ago I made a major change in my life that I had been dying to make...I quit my job. I later took a job teaching ballroom and well...we all know how that turned out. It wasn't for me...at all. The point to this is I learned A LOT about myself while working at the studio. The main thing being what my basic human needs are. Below is a list of the 6 human needs. When I initially read through the list I pegged myself as Significance and Growth. I later found out how wrong I was. Read through the list, that I stole from a website I accidentally close, and try to figure out which of the 2 needs are your main needs. We all need each of them to a degree but there are usually 2 or 3 that really stand out to us.

1. Security: There are people in this world that have a fundamental need to be certain. They must know exactly what is going to happen and when it is going to happen. They must have clarity and be able to know exactly what the outcome is. They don’t like chance, don’t like huge risks and are looking for whatever it is that will give them complete certainty. Humans that are fueled by certainty need to recognize this about themselves because this will hold them back from experiences in life and from taking chances. Having a need for certainty provides a “safe” predictable life at times which is what they want, but is not always what is best.

2. Variety: Thanks to antilogy, if we have certainty as a human need, we must have uncertainty. Just like certainty, there are individuals that are completely driven by uncertainty and are fueled by the unknown. They must have change, takes risks, and love to be spontaneous. Someone who loves uncertainty and is driven by is very adaptable to new changes and actually looks forward to them. They hate the day to day grind and cannot stand the routine 9 to 5. They are gamblers, risk takers, entrepreneurs, business owners. Life must be filled with variety and a high level of the unknown.

3. Significance: Anyone that is driven by significance is always looking for ways to gain importance. This person, the one that is driven by significance is in need to feel like the center of attention, they always want to be the “popular” one. With everyone of the six human needs you can gain your fix by any number of means, with significance it can be contributing to society or holding a gun to someones head. If you give and contribute to a greater cause instantly you are significant and if your in the hood and you hold a gun to someones head, instantly your significant in that situation. Someone who is fueled by significance can either be the most selfless giving person you know or the most selfish person you know. If your giving and selfless, they are satisfying there need for significance by giving to others and lending a helping hand. If they are selfish they are getting their fix of significance by social posturing and the “I’m great because you suck” mindset.

4. Connection & Love: Everyone in the world needs one or the other, most settle for connection because love is to scary and they don’t know how to deal with it. Either way, we are social creatures and everyone has a need on some level to have connection and love in there life. You can very easily make the association with those that are more driven by this need. We all know the friend that always has to be in a relationship…and if they are not they are not happy. On the other hand, we know those people who never date, are always by themselves and enjoy there personal and alone time. Theres no right or wrong, it just is what it is. Understanding connection and love and how it drives you or those around you will give you an ability to understand oneself and those around you on another level. If you are driven by connection and love, you have deep meaningful relationships and are very in touch with those closest to you.

5. Growth: Its been said for years that if your not growing your dying. Nothing stands still, and this is true with us. There are any number of examples to explain this point, but I think you know where I’m going. Nothing ever stays the same – there is no such thing as constant in our world. Growth is a need of the spirit and something that everyone needs. We are all driven by growth, some more than others of course, but as humans we have an desire to grow and learn and conquer. If you are driven by growth you love personal development, you love reading and educating yourself and most importantly you LOVE to share that new found knowledge with others!

6. Contribution: Similar to growth, this is also a need of the spirit. Everyone at some point and time in our lives has a desire to contribute beyond ourselves. As corny as this may be, we all have something unique to contribute to this world and we have a desire to do that. Significance and contributing beyond ourselves can be similar or the same, based on the way you seek significance, but i can also be very different. This is what is most easily called the “Art of Fufillment.” Those that are most driven by this are those that contribute the most to society, make the largest donations, and give back the most.

I'm post later about why I am bringing this up at all. I just want you to ponder in this list for a while. 

Lesson Forever Learned

I have written about stuff before. Lots and lots of times actually but I've never told the story as to why if for some reason I lose something or something breaks my attitude is "meh". I may be disappointed but the reality to me is "it's just stuff".

A long time ago in a far across place there lived a little girl named Kathy who was the ripe ole' age of 4. Kathy was a very energized girl who loved to help. One day that helping involved the grand idea of sweeping the ceiling. We all know how not grand of an idea that actually is but when you are 4 it sure seems like the greatest idea of all. Wow....I can't write it like that anymore. Anyway, I was sweeping away at the ceiling while my Mom was in the other room. The important part of this story is the fact that my Mom collected plates. Lots of beautiful plates that were hanging way up high on the walls in the kitchen. I'm sure by now you have probably guessed the rest of the story. You have a 4 year old sweeping the ceiling with a broom and lots of beautiful glass plates hanging high up on the walls of that very kitchen. It's kind like when you watch America's funniest videos and there is a kid with a plastic bat and a Dad standing too close behind him. No questions asked that Dad is getting hit in the balls with the bat. Well...I knocked one of the plates off the wall. I'm sure I had that instant realization that I had done something wrong...the exact same way a friend's kid did the other day when he was swinging for a toy and straight hit me on the top of the foot, as hard as he could, with a toy golf club. His eyes instantly filled with tears at the thought that he had hurt me. I'm sure as a 4 year old I was no different. All I remember is my Mom came flying into the room at the sound of a crash, scooped me up and asked, "are you okay?" I'm sure she was heartbroken about the plate but she taught me a lesson that day that I have never forgotten. I was more important than that plate. It's just stuff. Some stuff may not be able to be replaced like one of my Grandmother's, who is no longer with us, ornaments that was accidentally knocked off the tree the other day by one of the dogs and shattered into a million pieces but it is just stuff. The problem with this reality of mine is I can seem like an insensitive prick to others that really care about their stuff, not in a selfish way but in a way that I don't, when something happens to one of those items. My attitude is "meh".

Oh and I'm not sure I ever apologized for it so if I did not this is a little note for my Mom. Mom, I am so sorry for breaking your plate.

Playing God

I played God in church a couple weeks ago. No...seriously...the pastor was trying to explain the concept of the trinity and how God, Father, Christ and the Holy Spirit do and do not go together and he asked for volunteers. There were 4 chairs set up on the stage in the formation shown below. There was a chair set up for each of the smaller circles and I was told to sit in the dead center. He used me as the example of where God sits in the whole picture.

As I left the stage and since that day I have thought about the idea of playing God and how often people to do it...including myself. Say your sister (not that you have M&J) does something you don't agree with or your boss makes a decision you feel is wrong or the children's pastor at your church says something you think is completely off base. There is that instant where you can either accept that it happened, say something out of love, you can jump into the pool of telling them off or worse...go and gossip to someone else about it. There are times when I have discussed with boyfriend, a close friend or parent about a situation I am involved to get clarification or their opinion of how they think I should handle it but there is also just good ole' fashioned complaining about it without a desire to really resolve or process it. I just want to blabber about it. I've really been convicted that I need to put an end to that...now.

Though it sometimes cruises along the fine line of loving your friends and family and how if they are doing something that you feel will be detrimental to them you should speak up...out of love and then ultimately accept that they are their own person, will make their own choices and later live with the consequences...good or bad. The reality is just because I think something isn't a good idea it doesn't mean that is the reality. Maybe I believe someone is making a bad choice of job and it later turns out to be the best decision of their life. Who really knows but it is sometimes hard to decipher when to speak up and when to just love them. Sometimes the water is murky and I have to do the best I can with what I have. I guess when a subject is addressed with love, respect and without an expectation that they will do whatever I say or else then it is okay, isn't it? Or should I sit back, love them, and be there to help pick up the pieces if it goes wrong or throw them a party if it goes right? I guess every situation is different.

I met with 2 different people today that don't agree with something that I am doing and they both spoke up about it but at the same time they just loved me. That is what we are called to do, right? To love? If I use that definition then I fail daily. When a women walks by wearing something I deem awful aren't I judging her then? Or am I just having an opinion about what she is wearing? When does it cross from opinion to judgement? Is it the moment I believe I know what kind of person she is going to be just by how she looks? Or is it the moment I set my eyes on her and form any opinion about her at all whether it be what she is wearing or not wearing? It's really easy to get upset about someone else judging you but as a friend put it to me this morning "those is glass houses shouldn't throw stones". Here's what I learned by playing God:

Nobody is perfect and the reality about all of this is...the only person in the entire world that I have control over is...MYSELF. All I can do it fix me. Everyone else has to take care of themselves. My job is to love them. 

Getting There

The pantry is complete! It isn't quite as beautiful as my cousins but it is for sure a close second. In fact that the whole entire kitchen is organized. I am so excited! The merging of the kitchen is finished. Also, the brown sugar is almost completely soft. The dark brown sugar is taking a little bit longer but all is well. It is partially softened up.