Baby Bump Photos!

I never quite made it to getting my photo taken last week but today it finally happened! Wahoo! I am officially 11 weeks along and loving it way more than I was a couple of weeks ago. Mainly because the sickness has significantly subsided. I credit that to a combo of me progressing in my pregnancy as well as cutting out A LOT of stuff in my diet. SIL gave me some awesome advice about keeping a food journal and while I didn't the last couple of days (because we were traveling and it is hard to track when I don't really know what restaurants are putting in the food they make) I plan on picking it back up today. So far there hasn't been much to report because outside of feeling nauseous I haven't had too many reactions to anything. Praise God for that! Anyway, without further ado...HERE ARE THE PHOTOS!

I know there isn't much to see yet but well...there's something there and I have to celebrate that! The weirdest part is still how it feels though. I have a strong feeling that I am going to be the girl that takes a long time to actually look pregnant. You know...the one that just starts to look fat and everyone kinda whispers to their spouse after they see me that I seem to be looking like I am putting on weight. I guess I better become okay with that now so I don't get my feeling hurt later. I wish I could be one of those girls that just looks so damn cute when she's pregnant. You can wish in one hand and well...most of you know the rest of that one. 

Moving on...you are going to see a lot more posts from me about healthy HOMEMADE food options. This goes along with the whole letting go of processed foods thing. For example, the other day I made waffles with a delicious strawberry sauce (instead of syrup). They sauce was sooooo good but onto the next waffle recipe... I also made a delightful mango salsa with the spoils I got from Bountiful Baskets this past weekend. I have a bunch of pictures of everything posted below. Oh and I took a picture of the best way to store asparagus so it doesn't go bad. It works perfectly! 

Doesn't all of that just look delightful?! Also, I am cooking something else right now so pictures tomorrow are going to rock your universe. In fact, just the thought about what I'm about to eat is making my knees weak. This whole making your own food thing is going to change our lives for the better for sure. 

Identity Crisis

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Not about myself per say but about this blog. I'm afraid the name doesn't fit me anymore. I know I have mentioned this in the past but I really do think I have outgrown it. It's not all about me anymore. I'm pregnant and I have a boyfriend who is so much more of a partner than my ex-husband ever dreamed of being so me just doesn't fit. I find myself writing more and more and more about everything and everyone else (though still a lot about me or my perspective cause I am the one writing it and that's what happens when you have a blog). I can only imagine it is going to get more and more like that as I get closer to having the baby and well...have the baby in addition to the fact that I will be getting remarried. (When? Who knows...but it will be happening some day.) Then it really won't be about me at all anymore. Don't get me wrong. Taking care of myself and making sure that me and my health remains important to me is still something that I will need to address on a daily basis but the overall picture is bigger and brighter and well...all about my family. It's funny that I am thinking about all of this now because technically I was married when I started this blog over 2 years ago and well...I didn't feel the same way. I had just gone through a miscarriage, had left my then husband twice already, and was treated in ways that a person should never be treated (though I wasn't perfect) so maybe that is the difference now? It's just that every bit of my life feels different and better and more meaningful and more inspiring and I want my blog to reflect that. So it is time to hang up the old "It's All About MiE" hat and move onto something else? If so, what do I move onto? My future last name is pretty rad but...it's not my last name yet so it would be weird to change it to something like that. I was thinking something like The Wild Adventure's of Katman and Friends but that is pretty wordy. Crap. What to do...what to do? What thoughts do you all have? I'd love to hear them!

Today I'm feeling pretty good again so I think today is going to be a clean and purge kind of day. I do have a random private dance class in the middle of the day but it still leaves plenty of time to get this house is tip top shape for the weekend. Boyfriends best friend in the whole wide world and his girlfriend are coming into town and boyfriend has been under a lot of pressure with work lately so I'm going to surprise him with a super duper clean house. It won't actually be that hard because we are pretty clean people anyway. Probably take an hour or so get it all done. I'm going to turn the tunes on and rock out as I clean. That's the best way anyway, right?

Back to this guys girlfriend...Boyfriend and I had a disagreement last night because I'm gearing myself up for this girl to be a total train wreck of a person. You know...awful to be around and whatnot. He thinks that is wrong. He thinks I should go into it with a positive outlook and all that jazz. Here's my thinking. If I set my standards REALLY low then my chances of being disappointed are extremely low. She really only has one direction to go from low and that is up. It will then leave me pleasantly surprised when she turns out to be normal, right? Plus I'm the one that is going to be spending more time with her than Boyfriend is because if they want any alone boy time it requires me preoccupying her. That leaves me either with a lot of time of disappointment or blessed to hang with a gal that rocks. Does this make sense? Yeah...I get that she could be the most amazingest fantasticest wonderfulest girl in the universe but then again...she could totally suck ass. I would rather not spend a week in complete and utter disappointment by building her so low that the only way she could go is up which would leave me happy in the end. Oh well...I better get to work!

Praise for the Good-ish Days!

I feel pretty okay today which is more than I can say for the last several weeks worth of Thursdays. Whatever. I'll take it. I was able to work on a couple things for friends as well as get a nice bike ride in. I've been missing my bike time so I am making a huge effort to make sure that is no longer ignored. Roxy has been missing me too. Oh! How in the world did I not start with this?! I'm starting to get a baby bump. It's VERY tiny and I can really only tell by the touch of it but HURRAY! It is the craziest feeling. It feels all hard like it is a muscle and yet...completely different. I'm going to have boyfriend take pictures of it tonight so I can share it with you all. It probably won't look like much but I promise it is!

Oh and in case you haven't read the comments from my last blog post my super duper awesome amazing SIL did some detective work for me and guess what she found in her prenatal vitamin? And guess what I then found in mine? Yup. Red 40. Stupid red 40 is everywhere. That's it. I'm changing all of my eating habits. All of them. I'm no longer going to shop at the giant box stores that promote all of these crappy food additives. I'm serious. I'm done. Boyfriend and I had some grilled cheese with tomato soup the other day and it wrecked both of our bodies. We had all of the other ingredients in one way or another over the couple days before this happened so the only different item was the canned soup. Ugh. I'm so tired of it all. I spent hour perusing the allrecipes.com website to find solutions for items that we eat a lot and, thankfully, I came up with a bunch of them including refried beans, jelly and more. I also have finally made friends with soy milk since regular milk isn't my friend anymore. In addition to all of that, I signed up for Bountiful Baskets again and lucky for me there is a location so close to me that I could walk. Unfortunately I don't have a wagon yet so I have to take a car due to how much food we get. I'm sooooooooooo excited! My body feels better just thinking about all of this. Don't get me wrong. I'm still going to buy stuff like cereal at Sprouts or Trader Joe's but gone are the days of buying stuff with ingredients I can't pronounce.

All of that brings me to my next topic. A garden. It's time I finally gave it a go. How cool would it be to eat items that you grew yourself?! I think I am going to start with an indoor herb garden for things like basil (so I can make my own pesto more cost effectively), thyme, rosemary and maybe a couple others. I am also going to try out the ole' Topsy Turvy tomato planter. I've read a bunch of mixed reviews on it so I have decided to just give it a go. The worst that happens is it doesn't work that great, right? The crazy thing is due to how hot it gets in the summer these plants are going to need up to a gallon or more per day! Madness! I also have a couple of planters that I'm not sure what I'm going to plant in them. Ideas, anyone? I need to stick with planters for now since we will be moving sometime soonish. Hopefully closer to civilization...

Just In Case

Just in case I thought my body was kidding I put it to the ole' test. Purely on accident but a test none the less. I was feeling sweet toothy so I grabbed a couple of those little donuts you get the the gas station of grocery store. You know the ones that are the size of a silver dollar? Anyway, I ate two of them and well...in less than 5 minutes my body was a WRECK. I mean WRECK WRECK. I jumped at the wrapper, read the ingredients and? Sure enough. Red 40. Along with a bunch of other crap that they most certainly didn't need in them. I know how to make donuts. I know all of the ingredients that go into them. I know about the frying and all that jazz that makes them what they are but what I did not expect was ALL of the ingredients that were just plain food dye listed on there. 6. Yes, six different kinds of dye. Why? So freaking gross. I guess it really is time for me to give up that stuff. All of it. In rebellion of all things full of food dye and preservatives like that I am going to the store and buying some thick Texas style toast and I'm making French Toast. I want something sweet but I don't want all of the extra crap that companies add to it to make it so it has a shelf life of 2 years, you know? I'm doing it myself and I also think I am going to look into a bread machine because I think I want the option of healthier bread without it costing me 4 or more dollars per tiny loaf. Stupid food companies. Damned if you do. Healthier if you don't. I've been slowly inching towards a healthier lifestyle like this and God blessedly shoved me through the door. I hope I keep this food intolerance even after the baby comes. There is something about getting violently ill that makes me think twice about eating stuff. I just need to get used to checking the label and not assuming that just because it doesn't look like it has it doesn't mean that it won't have it. I honestly felt completely tricked. Duped and all words just like that one. Grrrrrrrr...

Vivid

I love me a good windstorm and I also love me some wind chimes. Unfortunately...the two don't really go together. With this whole pregnancy thing the most intense kind of dreams have come up. Lots of them have been about other people dying, which I could totally do without, while others, like last nights, are just plain vivid. I woke up this morning thinking that yesterday boyfriend had had a really serious conversation with our neighbor about how his dog barks all the time and it needed to stop. I then woke up in a panic because we have a couple of wind chimes that normally don't really make much noise but due to the wind they were super noisy. I was paniced because I felt like we were hypocrites after complaining about his dog but we had these super loud chimes. I made a comment to boyfriend that we should probably strap rubber bands around them and bless his heart...he did. I later made a comment about feeling bad about the whole neighbor thing and found out that I had, indeed, dreamed the entire conversation. Good times. At least no one died in my dream this time, right?

What a weekend we had! It started on Friday night with all of the girls from my family that live in Phoenix going to dinner with my Dad. My younger sister had this awesome idea for us to all attend the Daddy/Daughter dinner that Chick Fil-A was hosting. You had to make reservations and everything. We all arrived (me feeling slightly queasy) and announced ourselves to the hostess. At first she questioned us about participating in the event but ultimately sat us upon finding our name on the reservation list. When we surveyed the restaurant we realized why...there were Dad's everywhere with their super young daughters. I guess they didn't expect adults to participate. It was super cute because we got this key chain to color for our Dad, there was a table cloth of the table, they walked around and took pictures of each table and printed a picture for us, they took our order, delivered our food on nice red plastic plates, and brought us the bill at the end of the meal. Hysterical! It took a bit for someone to take our order and when they did come over I was a wreck. I felt so sick and needed something in me stat. We asked a couple of times but they must have thought we were kidding because they just stood there. Finally our waitress realized we were dead serious and ran into the back to get me some chicken. Crisis averted. This night afforded me an opportunity to get to know my Dad, my younger sister and 2 of my sister in laws a little better. The restaurant had also included some conversation started questions. One of the questions my Dad asked was, "what is it like to be the age you are now?" Not going to lie...it was a fascinating conversation. Each of us are somewhat close in age but at the same time all in such very different circumstances except still relatable. Does that even make sense? For example, I am in the preggo stage and was feeling sad about the whole loss of friend situation and my new sister in law in the newlywed stage and also feeling sad about the whole loss of friend situation. You see her friends ditched her because she is no longer single and mine did for a combo of me being pregnant and being in a great committed relationship. 9 years age difference between the 2 of us and completely different life situations but yet...completely relatable. I'm not sure why but the conversation brought me comfort and closure.

I guess that this losing friends thing is just part of growing up...no matter what age or stage you are in. Some people around you can't handle it for a number of different reasons. They may say it is because they don't agree with your choices but it may actually be the fact that they are so damn jealous of you for some reason that they can't see straight so they try to pin their feelings on something you did. Or they can't handle you being with someone who loves you with all of their heart and they don't have that same kind of relationship so they would just rather no spend time with you. Or who knows. At least that is the advice that I gave my SIL and after it came out of my mouth those words struck me right in my core. I'm in the exact same situation. After I meditated on it a little bit and talked to boyfriend about it I came to the conclusion that I'm not hurt anymore. I can appreciate those friendships for what they were, I already mourned their loss but it is time to move on. I have people out there that want to be my friend. I have tons of family and I have gotten to know some really great people through boyfriend (namely his family) that I would much rather put my thoughts and efforts towards. I hold no grudge against those that can no longer be my friend for whatever reason.

I am feeling pretty okay today so I have big plans to lay in bed, finish writing all of the addresses on my thank you notes from my birthday (they have been written since 2 days after my birthday and they already have stamps on them), finish some other random paperwork, and get my life a little more organized. Oh and laundry. There is lots of laundry to do. I'm not going to push it too much because I always end up making myself sick. I also am going to do some job hunting. Due to the summer my hours at the dance studio are going to be cut down and I'll go stir crazy if I have much less to do no than I already am. Yikes! Wish me luck!

Lots 'O' Hurt and Healing

Some giant, almost crying prayers went up to God last night and (praise Him) were answered. I'm not kidding. They were desperate pleas due to the fact that I hadn't held down any food in almost 2 days and hadn't been able to drink water since Sunday (I could drink apple juice though). I went against all that was recommended and ate more than I should have and drank right after instead of waiting 20-30 minutes. I just wanted to feel the water pour down my throat. It was probably one of the most beautiful feelings I have ever felt. I'm dead serious. It felt wonderful. Then the praying started. Actually it resembled begging a little more than praying but whatever. I stayed up with boyfriend for a while but ultimately decided it was harder for my body to try to get rid of it if I was sleeping so off to bed I went. The praying continued and God being the merciful God he is...let me keep it. I felt like a different person when I woke up this morning especially since 2 nights ago I was vomiting blood because my throat was so sore. Talk about SCA-RY! Anyway, there are many things that this pregnancy has blessed me with and the biggest so far is the fact that  I will never take eating and drinking normal for granted. It is the strangest feeling in the world to have intense jealousy in watching boyfriend down a PB&J sandwich with a giant glass of milk and not even think twice about it. I had to leave the room because I just couldn't watch it. Isn't that crazy?!

Oh and not much happened on the let's get things done front. I spent most of my last couple of days asleep or in severe pain so...well...trying again today. I did get a call from a friend the other night and let's just say it was much needed and made me cry (in a good way). I've been feeling so lonely and had just left work early because I couldn't finish my last class. We talked for a long time and it was good just listening to her stories. It helped me get my mind off of my hurt. She's been a friend for a long time and always knows just what do to...even if it isn't conscious. Praise God for good friends too!

Enough Already

Here's one of my worst habits in the whole wide world. If I don't want to do something, no matter how important, I just don't do it. Without exaggeration. For example, I don't want to get my blood work drawn AGAIN so I haven't done it. This has been going on for like a month now. Also, this isn't the only area of my life it has been affecting. I've decided that it is enough already. I have a to do list about a mile long that is getting tackled over the next couple of days. There are also some things that I just haven't been able to mentally tackle. One of them is a logo for a friend. I have to finish it today (I'm 75% there) and get it sent to her. I have to be careful though that I don't do too much too quickly because I have to work tonight and making myself a wreck over all of this just isn't okay. It puts me down too long when I do that. I hate having limitations. I mean I REALLY hate it. I talked to boyfriend for a long time about it last night. It makes me feel useless when I just can't do something. For example, the other day I slept all day except to go grocery shopping. I went shopping and was then too tired to put everything away so I went back to sleep. I then had to go teach at the studio. Thank goodness it was a couple of classes that I could just show them what to do and then monitor them because I could barely stay standing. I stayed and chatted for a bit at the end of the night just so I would have enough strength to drive home. Ugh. Frustrating but as boyfriend pointed out it is a good thing that this is a temporary problem and I don't have to live like this all the time. I had to agree on that point for sure. Well...onto the to do list.

Red 40

You know what the number one comment I have heard lately is? "Wow! You've totally lost weight! I can really see it in your face." I'm sorry...what?! Isn't it supposed to be the opposite effect? It's true though. I have lost a couple of pounds since I started this whole journey. This getting sick thing is affecting all aspects of my life. Boo. Oh but I did find out something interesting and extremely random. I had noticed that when I ate certain foods I got sick and when I say sick I mean violently sick. The kind that hurts....bad. I couldn't figure it out until I tried to drink a red Powerade yesterday. I got 2 swallows down before I started to hurt. I barely made it home before my body decided it was time for it to go. I then started comparing food labels. Guess what all of the food items shared? Yup. The food dye Red 40. Since I thought I was somewhat crazy I took my theory to an expert and was rewarded with a confirmation that that can indeed happen. OH HAPPY DAY! I still am not feeling awesome but I now know what to look for to avoid being violently sick.

I also had an awesome conversation with a really good friend today. She is one of those people that even if I don't talk to her for a time we can pick things right back up where we left off. We also have the ability to say anything to each other without concern that we will hurt or offend the other person. Anyway, we were talking for a bit today and I was sharing how hurt I was because of so many of my friends. You know...the ones I haven't heard from since I told them I was pregnant...which is well...most of them. I know most of them don't agree with my choices. I never asked them to. I couldn't understand why, if I was as important to them as they said I am, I hadn't heard from them. She, who is really good at saying things point blank, shared her idea. She said that maybe they did still care but didn't know how to show that without giving me the impression that they agree with my choices so instead they stay away because they don't know what to say so it is easier to say nothing. I think she is right. I've done the same thing. I had a friend who had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. I didn't know what to say after the initial "I'm so sorry" so I instead didn't talk to her for a looooooong time. It was of course compounded by the fact that I found out I was pregnant and didn't know how to share it once I hadn't talked to her for a while. It is a ugly cycle that I found myself in and I didn't know how to get out. I tried calling once a week or so ago but I hadn't heard back from her. I know I hurt her...really bad but I didn't know how to make it better. After my conversation about how my friends might feel I decided enough was enough. I called and left a really long message with my apology. I heard back from her a couple of hours later!

I'm not sure what my whole point to all of this is except I've been surprised about where the support and condemnation has and hasn't come from. I thought my family would struggle with it. Not that they are unsupportive or condemning by any means but they belong to a religion that has certain beliefs that they hold very fast to. I thought they might have a little bit of a hard time accepting the idea. Boy. Was. I. Wrong. It, once again, concreted in my mind that I have the best family on the planet. My SIL and brother have been a wealth of information. Especially about medications because I am having so many problems. My younger sister brought over her tub of preggo clothes the very next time I saw her after I shared the news. My Mom has given me some much needed thoughts and advice. My cousin, though she is miles away, has been a phenomenal support. My mentors have also been a huge support and have given me some much needed advice. I'm so lucky when it comes to that. The people I expected to be more happy for me haven't though. There is very little congrats and a whole lot of "when are you getting married?" like that is suddenly going to make the fact that I got pregnant out of wedlock go away. It's not like that. I'm not going to hide my choice or try to cover it up and hope it goes away. I guess I have to take the judgement then if I comes my way, huh? This has given me a huge gift in more than one way though. I had some challenging thoughts come my direction and in answering those thoughts I found out a lot about myself. I have to appreciate that aspect.

Gettin' It Off My Chest

So I've started and stopped a bunch of different posts and finally decided to write about the thing that I have been thinking about but thought I shouldn't write about because of...well...who knows why. Anyway...when Boyfriend and I were at the doctor last week (seeing our baby for the first time EVER!) I had the doctor check on something that I was worried about. My left breast. Unfortunately she confirmed my concern with finding a pee sized lump on the left side. Boo. She said she thinks it is hormone related BUT she is sending me for an ultrasound just in case. I'm trying to not freak out about it but with there being a history of breast cancer in my family I sometimes can't help myself from going down that mental road. It's funny how we do that, huh? We spend hours upon hours obsessing over all of the things that may not ever be. Picturing the worst possible scenario all while hoping that everything will be just fine. Phew! There...I told. I feel better. Now I can actually talk about something else. Hmmm...

Oh! I know! Lunch. I had lunch with some really close friends of mine and had a much needed conversation. There was a little but of confusion about my post the other day about what happened with Tres Dias. They thought I had given up on the whole idea of faith when it was just an extreme hurt and disappointment in an organization completely separate from my faith. That's the interesting part of this whole thing. There are quite a few people that have this idea in their minds that my relationship with God is suffering because of my choices when, in reality, the opposite has happened. My respect and love for Him has deepened even further because I am feeling the magnitude of what He is capable of. The thought that there is a little life inside of me is so humbling. Even though I continue to be EXTREMELY sick it is somehow made better by the fact that I have a baby with a beating heart growing inside of me. How can you not be in awe of that?

Thump...Thump...Thump...

We heard the babies heartbeat yesterday. Probably one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard in my entire life. Plus we got to see it on the screen. It flickers. It completely changed everything. I knew I was pregnant but now I KNOW I'm pregnant. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

New and Old Ideas

I was so not in the mood to get up this morning. Not one bit. Unfortunately my body didn't agree with me so I was up at 7:30 (I went to bed late). Ugh. I stayed up for a couple of hours and then my body gave in and let me sleep again. We almost slept through church! Fortunately we're both low maintenance so we were up and out the door in a matter of 10 or so minutes. Thank goodness we made it because WOW OH WOW was the service awesome! At first I had a hard time letting myself get engaged since it wasn't the normal pastor preaching but I finally let go and listened. It was a great message about honoring and blessing your spouse and family. He talked about the importance of making sure that we always talk our kids and partner up both in front of them and behind their backs. That is such a good message because it is sometimes easy to spew frustrations out when your kids or spouse do something the completely aggravates you. Instead of going there we should think of the good in them. I already try really hard to do that (at least for Boyfriend) but I know I fall short sometimes. This was a great reminder of how important it really is.

The guest speaker then went onto share a really awesome idea that he does for each of his daughters. It is kinda like what I already do for Boyfriend but I love the idea and I'm going to steal it. Everyday or every couple of days he writes his thoughts about that child in their very own journal. He does it so if anything ever happens to him his daughters will have a book filled with wonderful thoughts he thinks of them. Isn't that awesome?! Guess what I'm going shopping for tomorrow? What a great idea! I'm thinking that I am going to fill the book and give it as a gift on my child's graduation night or whenever it seems appropriate to gift it to them. I better get a big journal...

Oh and as I write this Boyfriend is "attending" his online driving course for a photo radar ticket and I'm listening to a video about people who have text and drive. Yuck. It is story after horrifying story of senseless death all due to texting and driving. Not gonna lie...I'm guilty of sending a short one every now and then but I'm done. A quick response isn't worth my or anyone else's life.

Mother Knows Best

I genuinely believe that I have one of the most awesome moms on the planet. Why do I think so? Well...if you have ever met her then you already have a good idea but if you haven't I'll tell you. First, she's fun. Second, she's very smart. Third, she loves her family very much. Fourth, she's a good cook. Wow...this list could go on. I'll just cut to the chase. One of the main things that I appreciate and love about her is the fact that she doesn't give unsolicited advice. "What?!", you say. Yup. I don't have the number one problem that most women seem to when it comes to their mothers. My Mom waits until WE ask her for advice before dishing it onto us. I know. I'm very lucky. It does wonderful things for our relationship when I don't have to try to dodge the advice I just know is coming (I've witnessed other girls doing that with their moms and I had no idea it even happened). Anywho, since you all had to endure a couple days of somewhat gross posts about me throwing up too much my Mom approached me after my Zumba class the other day and offered that if I wanted she could share some of what she learned about morning sickness with me but I needed to let her know I wanted to hear it. As quickly as the words could tumble out of my mouth we had planned to talk later that night since I still had to teach 2 more classes.

I called her as soon as I got in the car and the next 33 minutes changed my pregnant life! First, it is always nice to get a bit of realistic sympathy. It goes something like, "welcome to the club." I don't know why it makes me feel better that this awfulness that I've been experiencing isn't me specific but it does. I guess it reminds me to suck it up a bit because women go through this all the time. I'm nothing special. Anywho, she went on to pour loads of information through the phone. Things like as long as you keep the food down for the first 20 minutes then you are good. I averaged keeping it down for 2 hours but then it came back with major vengeance. The major part is what was killing me. She also shared that if one food in a particular food group didn't make me feel good then similar foods would have a similar effect. Yeah...can we say little to no milk or citric products for this gal? It also made me rush to the store to try items in the melon family. I can't imagine an entire summer without watermelon. I freaking love watermelon. I found out why I love it so much in my convo with my Mom. Apparently she ate something like 8 watermelons, by herself, over the course of her pregnancy with me. Oh and the good news is? I can do melons! WAhoo!

I could literally go on and on and on about all of the advice she gave me. It soothed my soul and really helped me start to focus my thoughts and actions. So...thank you Mom! You rock!  

A Slow Simmer

There aren't too many things that really bother me. Sure...I get annoyed. I get disappointed. I get frustrated. I get antsy. I get discouraged. I usually don't get angry. Well...I'm angry. I wasn't at first but now? Yeah...

It's no secret that I live with my boyfriend. It's also no secret that I am pregnant. Why are they "no secret"? Because I am upfront and 100% honest about it. I also feel no conviction to change it. Don't get me wrong...I know I "shouldn't" be doing either of those things but I am with a person who makes me extremely happy. I am with a person who loves me more than anything. I am with a person who treats me with immense respect. I am with a person who loves God and has the most trust in Him that I have ever seen. I am with a person who loves my family. I am with a person that is absolutely amazing to me. What more could I ask for? We're eventually going to get married but having a baby is change enough without adding even more on top of it. Where am I going with all of this? I was asked to no longer serve in the original position I was called to for the upcoming Tres Dias weekend in April. Why? It pretty much comes down to the fact that I'm not lying about what is happening in my life. I'm not sneaking around, doing whatever I want behind closed doors and then popping out with a look of perfection on. I don't hide and I most certainly don't ever make any decision strictly based on what I'm "supposed to do."

At first, I was okay with it and even somewhat expected it. I went so far as to defend it to Boyfriend when I originally called and told him about it. Then I started thinking more about it and the snowball effect happened. I got angry. I waited to write about it to make sure I didn't spew a bunch of ugly stuff because that wouldn't be right either.

I think I'm mainly hurt by it. I have been a part of this experience either by attending or serving on 3 different weekends. All three times I have had someone within that community judge me and, as is the case last weekend, I had a lot of people "justifiably" treat me shitty because they were stressed about everything going just right and my position was big part of a lot of important things. Even before this happened I was to the point that I wouldn't encourage anyone I know to go through the experience just based on how I've been treated so the question finally comes down to why do I want to be a part of it at all? Do you know what the sad thing is? There are probably a few people that feel like "Good! That's what she gets for living like that..." The good thing for me is that is on them. Not on me. They can carry that judgement.

Also, if sin is indeed all created equal why am I being singled out? I took to the good ole' internet and found a nice comprehensive list (http://www.wogim.org/sinlist.htm) of sins according to the Bible. All 667 of them are supposedly, according to the Bible, equal to each other. I would challenge anyone to review that entire list and see if they come out clean...you know clean enough to serve in a certain position based on the decision of other humans. It won't happen. We all sin. We all make mistakes and we often do it knowing we shouldn't. Prime example of that is number 6. Oh well...my point to all of this is I'm done. Three weekends is enough. The saddest part of all is I have met a couple of REALLY great people through this whole thing. The kind of people that I want to surround myself with. I hope my decision doesn't change our friendship.

PRAISE GOD!

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! It was only the flu! I thought I was going to have to spend the next month or so crying as I was curled up in the fetal position on the couch or laying next to the toilet in the bathroom but I don't have to! I had the flu in addition to being pregnant. That's the hard part of this whole thing...I have no normal anymore so it is hard to tell when something is off, you know? On Sunday everything kinda hit the fan. I called a couple of people begging them for help...you see...my body hadn't allowed me to keep anything down. By the time I woke up on Monday morning and was finally able to eat and keep it down it had been almost 30 hours. Needless to say I was a wreck. I got desperate and called the OBGYN that is right by my house (the only one within 20 or so miles) and was seen yesterday afternoon. By the time I made it in there I was able to hold food down and felt the most normal I have in about a week. YEAH! I did look around the house last night and realized how behind on everything I was. Lots of cleaning (not too much because Boyfriend is amazing and did a bunch of it) but the main thing is there is MOUNTAINS of laundry that needs to be done. My goal is to have it done by the end of the day.

The ultrasound is scheduled for next Monday and I am pretty stoked about that. The doc said we should be able to hear the heartbeat by then. I had one of my students stop me last night because she had gone to see the Bodies exhibit where they show the different levels of development in a fetus from conception to birth. She said that when she looked at the one that was 7 weeks, which I am, she expected to see a blob but instead there was a...baby...with fingers and toes and a nose. She said it was crazy to see what it looked like. I have to agree. That means that is what it looks like inside of me right now! Also, the doctor said that based off of when my last period was I am, as of today, exactly 8 weeks with a due date of October 11th. Holy hell! I'm going to have a baby by Christmas!