Don't Push So Hard!

I had my ultrasound yesterday. I wish it was another one to see the baby but alas...it was for my poor left boob. My appointment was at 4:00 but they had me arrive 30 minutes early. Not sure why but I went with it. Boyfriend is the ever wonderful guy that he is and went with me. When we got in the room it was dark and cold. They had me change into one of those really awkward, embarrassing shirt things that are open in the front. Thankfully it wasn't one of the crappy paper ones. I appreciated that. The guy came in to do my ultrasound and he was quiet as a church mouse. As he rolled the little tool over the area that my doctor found the lump he asked a few questions but gave no indication of anything. In one part I said that is about where it should be to which he responded, "Oh? It's tender then?" "Yes!", was my quick reply. He kept stopping and clicking pictures. Still no real interaction. I asked him if he found it and he said, "I'm not allowed to say a word about it. I could lose my job and this company could get sued." Apparently because he isn't a doctor and doesn't work for my doctor he can't say anything about anything other than "we're all done".

After we left, Boyfriend and I tried to speculate about his and the assistants reactions. Boyfriend said they looked like they may have been concerned but it also could have been concentration. I had no real speculation to make. I figure that having that job must be one of the worst jobs on the planet. Of course they know what a hormone growth, cyst, cancer or whatever else it could be looks like. That would be crappy training if they didn't but they can't indicate anything. They can't scream at you that you need to keep on your doctor about this or not to worry...everything will be fine. They just take the pictures, write a report, send it to your doctor and then we wait until the doctor contacts us. It could be almost a week until that happens. That's a long time in "waiting to hear if there's something wrong with you" time. I thought I would feel better about having this finally complete but I don't. Maybe once I hear? Here's to hoping that everything is just fine.

Today brings a very busy day. Thank goodness I am starting to feel better. I was really struggling with not getting a lot done but those days are, for the most part, behind me. I still get a little sick but not like I was getting. When I hung out with SIL the other day she completely inspired me. You see...I stopped writing to do lists. Completely. I haven't written one for months because I was tired of not completely them. When you are as sick as I was it makes it difficult to plan anything. I might wake up feeling okay but it could, and did, often change leaving me a wreck. As SIL and I talked on Tuesday I realized it is time to get back in the swing of normal. I rolled my sleeves up on Wednesday, wrote a relatively small to do list, and completed it. What I really wanted to write is one of those GIANT 45 page to do lists of everything that I want to get done in my entire life but I figured that would be self defeating so I started small. It is going to have to get bigger because we have a house to move but I am saving that for next week. I also am jam packed tomorrow and we get the keys tomorrow night but once Monday hits...it is time to get on it. I am lucky that I have a friend whose husband owns a convenience store so they always have plenty of boxes. I am picking those up tomorrow afternoon. I think once I have them in my possession it will make me feel better about this whole "moving" thing.

Oh and the tomato soup I made the other day wasn't that good. I'll be trying a different recipe next time. I wanted it to be really magical but it just...wasn't. In true Boyfriend fashion, boyfriend gobbled it down while I left like half of my bowl. I threw the rest away. He's spectacular.

Robble Robble

I can't remember whether I posted this or not but I really want to decorate the baby's room in owls. I'm not sure why but I have always really liked them and they have kinda been in style lately so I see owl stuff everywhere. The one things I have been waiting for is whether I am having a boy or a girl because that will decide the fabric that I use. I was kind of waffling a bit because of who knows what and yesterday while hanging with SIL we stopped by Home Depot to pick up some stuff. Guess what was hanging out in the rafters. An owl. A GIANT owl. I bet from the tip of its head to the end of his tail feathers he was like 2 feet tall. Seriously. It was huge. Apparently, there is a nest with babies that lives in there. Cool, huh? As we stood there staring at it my heart just got so full. I can't really explain it. I was just...happy. I then kinda talked to the bird. Yes, talked to it and said I was going to decorate my baby's room with owls and do you know what it did?! It winked at me! I swear it! SIL saw it too and can vouch for me. I took it as a sign. Do I really believe the owl knew what I was saying? No. But do I, in all honesty, care? Hell no. Now I just need a boy or a girl verdict and I can get this sewing show on the road! Wahoo!

Boyfriend and I razz each other constantly. We have lots of nicknames for each other. Some borrowed from nicknames others gave us and some given for a reason. For example, when I'm bitchy he calls me Wrathy...my evil twin. When he's a boy and says things without thinking I call him Insensitive Ivan or just Ivan, he knows what I mean. We also nickname each other's stuff. He wears these undershirts that for some reason are really short. I call them his Little Sister Shirts cause it looks like he stole them from his sister. The list goes on and on and they get funnier from there. One new addition is the Hamburglar Mask. Boyfriend concocted this mask that he wears at night out of a handkerchief. He wears it every night and during naps and absolutely swears by it. It drives me crazy. Especially at night when we are laying in bed, still talking, and he puts it on. It makes me want to slap him right in his face which would be easy because he wouldn't see it coming due to his eyes being completely covered.

Well...the other day I was desperate for sleep. I bet you guys can see where this is going. The problem I have been having lately is I wake up waaaaay too early. Like 5:30ish. SIL made a very good point that the sun has been coming up earlier and it beams right through those blinds stirring me from my slumber. I may get back to that once I have my kiddo but for now...I'm so not a fan especially when there is no such thing as too much sleep at this point. Let's just say that on Sunday night I was asleep by 8:30pm and slept until 8:30am and quickly followed that by a nap from 12:30 - 4:30pm. I digress...back to the mask. Well, in my desperation I stole his mask, put it on, and slept like a baby. He caught me. He was out in the field, he works from home but sometimes has to leave for stuff, and I slept longer than I thought I would. He caught me in his red Hamburglar mask just snoozing away. I was busted with a capital B. Rather than giving me the grief that I deserved he instead made me my very own green Hamburglar Mask. He wears his all night but I don't put mine on until I can feel the sun working its way into our bedroom. The second it goes on it is smooth sleeping until my body is ready to wake up. Super restful too. This goes to show me, once again, that I shouldn't knock it until I have tried it. Oh and in case you are confused but the really rad blog title I came up with it is what the Hamburglar used to say. Damn...I'm good.

I think I am going to try to make homemade soup tonight. I love tomato soup but the canned stuff hasn't been working for me but I really want some. Tonight is the night I think. Of course, I'm going to have to add a side of grilled cheese but that's a given, right? Good thing Boyfriend loves it as much as I do. I'll let you know how it goes. I also made chicken potpie last night. It was delicious but not as good as last time. I don't think I simmered the sauce long enough. Oh well...Boyfriend still devoured it so it must have been good enough, right? Then again...he eats everything I make even if I don't like it and won't eat it. He's good like that.

What a Day!

My fingers are dyed, my stomach is happy and my heart was so full. Yesterday was a fantastic Easter Sunday. So much fun was had with my family as we celebrated the fact that Christ is risen. The kids were the best part. I can't wait until my little one is old enough to participate in all of the holiday shenanigans. It was fascinating to watch the different age levels look for Easter eggs. My niece, who is the oldest, was very calculated. Her brother, the second oldest, was wild. Flying from one end of the yard to the other as he spotted an egg. The youngest of the 3, another nephew, had a basket carrier (my sister) and took his time looking for eggs. He celebrated each and every find and wanted nothing more than to crack that bad boy open and eat what was inside. At the end of things we are quite confident that either Boyfriend and I are crappy counters or there is one more egg hiding around the yard that one of us hid so well that all of us couldn't find it.

Oh and the food. The food was delicious. I had a gift certificate to get an actual Honey Baked Ham brand ham and it was yummy. Maybe not $75.00 yummy, like the original cost was, but we enjoyed it none the less. We had a nice spread of food from everyone. Those are my favorite kinds of meals. Potlucks. I love them for some reason. My family is awesome in the fact that I got a rundown from each member either letting me know that their dish either did or didn't have Red 40 so I didn't have to ask or guess about it. My family is incredible. In the end there were a ton of leftovers. In fact, I just enjoyed eggs benedict with leftover ham and am munching on some Easter candy my SIL got for me that is sans Red 40. Not a bad start to a Monday if I must say so myself.

The best part of last night was after the eggs were dyed, food was eaten, hunt was mostly done minus that one maybe egg, and peeps were roasted for s'mores we all just sat outside around the fire and talked. Well...I laid on the grass but you get the point. We just enjoyed each other's company while partaking in the marvelous weather that God granted us on that very important day. I like us being grown up. Being kids was fun and all but it pales in comparison to being an adult friend to my siblings. We seem to just enjoy being with each other. As the night wound down and I pretty much feel asleep, like I do a lot of lately, we helped clean up and headed home. Boyfriend and I made a quick stop at our new house just a short distance away and talked about how nice it was going to be when we could just ride our bikes over  and not have to worry about driving 35+ minutes to get there. We get the keys on Saturday. Happy day! I started packing a bit but I have no idea where to start. I mostly want to just throw everything away. We have too much stuff and stuff can constrict you. I hate the feeling. Oh well. I get rid of what I can as we move forward. We, unfortunately, are keeping the house we are currently in as the primary place of residence until we are basically done moving. Boyfriend works from home so it is the best thing for him. I'll be glad to be moved when all is said and done. Also, all of my insurance stuff is 100% worked out! Big praises to God for that one!

Have You Ever?

Have you ever been so stressed out that you didn't realize how stressed out you were until that stress was relieved and you then feel like you lost about a 1,000 pounds? That was me yesterday. Two giant concerns in my life were solved. The best part is it happened all within an hour or so of each other so it was quadruple elation. Double times double. You all must be wondering what's going on. First, my insurance situation is more than likely worked out. We were having issues but after being diligent and finally going over the top to get it figured out things are now moving in the right direction. Praise God for that! And while waiting in the waiting room there I got a text from Boyfriend saying the other house we put in for accepted us as the renters. YAY! I am absolutely beside myself with excitement right now. It is a 2 story beauty with 3 bedrooms and a loft so we will have enough room for what we need. Our room, the baby room, an office (cause Boyfriend works from home) and a guest room. The added bonus to all of this is the house in like a 1/2 mile away from SIL so lots of summer fun will be had! I'll be able to ride my bike over to her house and vice versa. We have many projects that we want to work on together and this has cut my driving time from almost 40 minutes to about a 10 minute bike ride...if I go slow. Plus there are valley ball courts right down the street one direction and tennis courts right down the street the other direction as well as miles of trails that run through the entire community and a pool that is about 1/2 between SIL's house and ours. Oh and they are letting us bring ALL of the doggies. Also, there is a large patio on the second floor just off of the master suite. I think that is one of the parts I am most excited about because that means that there is a place that I can go sit and ponder the wonders of life without sitting on chairs covered in dog hair (yes...the dogs have taken the furniture as their own.) I imagine lots of sitting and reading will be taking place out there. One of my most favorite things in the world to do is to be outside. This gives me a wonderful opportunity for that...all I have to do is step out of bed and into the porch. I love that! Also, guess where the laundry room is? UPSTAIRS! How awesome is that?! I won't have to truck the laundry up and down the stairs. I'll just have to walk down the hall and back again. Oh and I still haven't seen it with my own eyes. I've stalked it online.

If you can't tell...I'm beyond freaking excited about this. Boyfriend worked so hard (with SIL's wonderful detective work) in finding a place that would work well for us and he has done it. I am so lucky to have such a dedicated, hard working, amazing Boyfriend. This whole move is also coinciding well with the "nesting" urges I am already having. I even started a drawing journal to hold all of my ideas. The first thing on my list is the guest room. I've never had a guest room before. After that the baby room (cause I should know the sex of the baby by then) and the master room comes last (cause I have no idea what I want to do with it). I'm planning on doing some small changes to the kitchen and living room as well but those aren't as imperative since those rooms are mostly decorated. I'm thinking the main thing I am going to do it add different throw pillows but do it in a way that I can easily change the covers to the pillower instead of getting whole new pillows. This will also save on space in the even I want to change things often or seasonally. Oh! I'm so excited to have my crafty SIL so close to me and I hope my sister will be able to join us too. I'll post pictures of things as they happen. Since we have a May 1 move in date I'll post naked pictures of the house first. That way there is a point of reference as we get going. First things first though...purging and packing!

I Am...

Feeling absolutely beyond blessed right now but I don't have time to tell you about it! Dang it! Just know God is amazing and life is grand!

In Preparation for Easter

Sunday morning I had one of the hardest questions I have ever been asked...asked to me. Well, to everyone really but I took if as he said it directly to me and decided that I needed to come up with an answer to the following question:

What does Jesus Christ mean to ME? Not what has other people told me he should mean. Not what do I think he should mean but what does he REALLY mean to me and me alone?

Tough one, huh? All of the answers that immediately sprang to mind were all things I had either heard as a child, in various Bible studies I have been a part of, or different church services I have attended but if I really thought honestly...I have never come up with my very own answer. What a thought provoking way to enter both Palm Sunday and this sacred week, huh? My pastor then did what he always seems to do and he rocked my mental universe. There are certain thoughts that I sometimes have that aren't often said out loud or ever at all...really...I mean AT ALL. Well...he did it. He said one of those thoughts but obviously in a more eloquent way than I could have ever said it. He said, "If you are pious, judgmental, negative or cynical then Jesus Christ can't mean much to you." The whole church was dead silent. You literally could have heard a pin drop. Even the air conditioners seemed to go silent. Everyone must have had the very same expression as I did because he repeated himself verbatim.

"If you are pious, judgmental, negative or cynical then Jesus Christ can't mean much to you."

He went onto explain the heart of Christ and how he told us to live as little children. Full of wonder and delight. Free of criticism and judgment. We are meant to live a life full of laughter and happiness. We are meant to get excited over the little things that may happen everyday, like a beautiful sunrise, but to celebrate them. He told us that we should be celebrating both the big and small stuff but the small stuff more. He then went onto say it wasn't an excuse to be immature or childish but to celebrate as they would. To live so full of excitement that we run everywhere we go whether we are in a hurry or not. I'm hoping he meant that part figuratively cause I don't think my body could take that. The rest of it? I love it. Time to do some good ole' fashioned attitude adjusting. I've been feeling pretty beat down lately and this completely renewed my spirits.

Oh and as far as the question goes, don't expect to see my answer. I have decide to keep the answer to myself so I don't find myself editing it for likability.

Toni

Pregnancy brings WILD dreams. Usually I dream about someone in my family dying or having a miscarriage but not last night. Last night I met my baby who turned out to be a little girl. In the dream I kept calling her Toni. When I told Boyfriend about my dreams he, of course, gagged about the name but I don't care. It fit last night. She was beautiful. My SIL and sister were both in the dreams and for some reason my baby was crying and crying and crying. I was working on something else so both of them were taking turns trying to console her but she seemed to be unconsolable. I stopped what I was doing, held her really close to my heart beat and she quieted right down. Those are most of the details that I really remember. All I can tell you for sure is I woke up and got very sad very fast when I realized they were just dreams I still have 6 months to wait to meet my little baby. I guess journaling will have to do for now.

Oh! That reminds me. I finally bought a journal that I have been writing in. I officially started it week 11. Yesterday while I was writing in it I decided that I am going to write about each member of my family. In laws and all. I am going to put one of their pictures in it along with details that I find interesting about them and my most memorable memory I have of/with them. I wrote about myself first. I included some random facts about me that they might find funny or interesting. I find it quite soothing writing to my baby actually. I'm glad that someone gave me that idea.

Speaking of ideas (I totally forgot to share this at dinner last night), my pastor gave me a great one yesterday. He called it the Celebration Wall. It is a specific place in the house that all of the great things that are happening in the lives of those people in his family get put. It is near the dining room table so they can easily discuss each new item that appears on it at dinner time. Their Celebration Wall happens to be the fridge but it got me thinking. What if we converted another wall in the house, also near the dining table, into a Celebration Wall? We would decorate it and really make it a celebration. Hm...this has gotten my mind thinking. Also, we may or may not have a different house to live in (thank you SIL for finding it for us!) that would allow a guest room. My mind is spinning with ideas for it already. Plus, we're finally starting the quilt tomorrow. I still don't have my material but I have decided that I am going to do a larger square quilt for my first one. My sister brought over a really cute quilt book that showed a couple of different patterns and I liked the way that one looked. Oh! The possibilities!

I also keep forgetting to write about this. For the last couple of years I have had a fancy smartphone type of cell phone that received emails and had internet connection. I have since decided that I no longer need to be THAT connected so sometime in the very near future I am switching to a regular phone that only holds phone numbers, makes calls and sends text messages. Everything else can go. Wahoo!

"THAT" Mom

I was so bound and determined to not get an IV that I managed to put on 3 pounds in 24 hours. I believe that most of it was water weight but the doctor was still impressed. I must have really looked like I wreck when I originally went into the doctor the other day because both the nurse and my doctor were over the moon with compliments about how I looked. Plus Boyfriend and I hung out with SIL on Friday night and he told her that I looked like a drug addict on the worst kind of binge. I learned something about being that sick though. When people are THAT sick they get bruising under their eyes. It was like a rainbow of reds and purples. Very attractive indeed. Oh Boyfriend also said that I resembled a Zombie a little bit. I kinda wish I had taken a picture so that on days that my baby isn't sleeping or I have a slight fever I can remember what feeling crappy REALLY looks like and I doubt it will be as bad as I felt the other day.

Speaking of being THAT something I also came to a realization about myself. Much to my future child's dismay, I am probably going to be THAT kind of a Mom. You know...the kind that I had that gets upset about injustices (towards everyone not just my child) big and small and speaks up a little too much. Boyfriend and I attended my niece's school's carnival the other night and there was a drawing for a bunch of raffle prizes. Let's just say...they didn't mix the tickets and were basically drawing from the top. One lady literally won 4 prizes plus another lady won 3 and a couple more won 2. Enter? Mad Kathy which was completely unnecessary because I was not invested in the whole thing even in the slightest but COME ON! One person winning 2 is a usually a rare fluke and A. It's not that hard to mix a bunch of tickets up. Seriously. It's not. and B. Quit letting the 10 year old girl pick them out if she is completely incapable of digging past the very top of the box. I was literally to the point where I wanted to write a letter. Good thing I have a couple of years before my kid starts school so maybe...just maybe...I will be able to stay more collected like my wonderful sister-in-law, take it in stride and realize that sometimes it just doesn't matter. I better start praying about God showing me how to do that now, huh? But in all fairness to me, if I had been the gal that won 4 prizes, I might have taken the first 2 but after that? I would have told them to redraw and to actually pick from the bottom so someone else could have won. At least I'm not one of the people that wants it fair for everyone else but me, right?

Yesterday I actually felt the best I have felt in AGES! I was so stoked about it that I overdid it. Anyone else like that? I felt pretty good after work so I came home and cleaned the whole house. Man...I missed doing that. There is something so satisfying about giving the house a good once over. After that I had a fun and much anticipated visit from some people that I love very much. We chatted for a bit at our house which was awesome because they are the first ones of my friends and family that have driven all the way out here. We then headed over to a neighborhood restaurant for dinner. It was lovely! I am starting to finally speak up a bit more about the whole Red 40 thing. I talked to the waiter about something that I wanted but needed him to check on that. He did and sure enough they couldn't guarantee that none of the ingredients that they used in the dish didn't have Red 40 in it so I went with a safe bet. It genuinely is a case of being better safe than sorry. Sorry is REALLY sorry when I don't honor my body. It still makes me feel self-conscious when I ask about it though. Kinda like I should be the gal that owns a small dog and carries it around in her purse like it is an accessory to my outfit and then gets mad when restaurants or stores won't let MY dog inside when in all reality it is a law. Oh well...I'm trying to think of it the same as my crustacean allergy. There are just some things that I can't eat and that's that. 

One Giant Step Backwards

Just in case I thought I was being ridiculous about the whole Red 40 thing I got a really big reminder yesterday. The new script my doctor gave me ended up having Red 40 in it and it took almost the whole day to figure it out and by that point I was so violently ill that I was a wreck...probably the worst I've felt in ages. Thank goodness Boyfriend wasn't stick in the field when my new appointment was because I don't think I would have made it by myself. There has been a few moments like that...thank goodness for both him and SIL yesterday because I was feeling pretty defeated all the way around. More on that later. As we arrived at the doctor I couldn't help to notice how everyone was looking at me. I would have stared too. My eyes were all sunken in and I had absolutely no color. People could tell I felt a mess. They made me take a pee test and weighed me again...even though they did the other day and the verdict is as follows. I lost 2 more pounds, I have keytones in my urine which means I'm dehydrated, my blood pressure was really low and the baby is still just fine. All I needed to hear was the end part. I was told by the doctor that I needed to get rehydrated by the time I saw her tomorrow (now today) or else they would have to do it via IV. I took my new prescription to the pharmacy where they filled it almost immediately (praise God!) and I was back to feeling better-ish by this morning. I am avoiding anything that might possibly not make me feel good while also drinking just enough water that I don't get sick but I can still rehydrate myself. It's a careful balance I have to maintain. I don't want to undo what I have already done. Oh and today marks week 13. This is the official end of my first trimester. I thought it was week 12 but the doctor corrected me. Hopefully I still fit in the category of women that feel better once they get out of the first trimester but, in all reality, I'm not holding my breath. I only have about 27 more weeks of this. Ugh. I shouldn't have written it like that. That sounds dreadful but at the same time if I keep doing what I know works it has been so much better. Yesterday was a fluke of Red 40 but today...water, food, blood work, and one pregnant gal that is going to feel a lot better is on my horizon.

While I was busy dying on the couch yesterday Boyfriend was busy finding out that while the property manager was okay with us having 3 dogs they were not okay with us having 2 German Shepherds so the house is a no go. Surprisingly, I was okay about it. Boyfriend was not. That is the most deflated I have ever heard him. He said to me that he hates that the dogs are going to dictate where we are and are not allowed to live. He's considering finding homes for the 2 shepherds. That is one decision that I can't be a part of. I think we can find something...hopefully...but we are going to run into breed restrictions everywhere.  God will help us out either with a house that will take shepherds or a new home for the 2 doggies.

Well...I'm off to get blood work. Should be interesting what it turns up.

Yum?

I don't eat bananas. Well...let me rephrase that I RARELY ever ever ever eat bananas and, if for some reason, I actually do eat a banana it has to be barely starting to turn yellow with a little bit of green still left on it and absolutely NO brown spots. The moment any bananas in my house get brown spots they are banana bread (which in a weird turn of events...I love.) All of that being said, lately I have been eating the hell out of bananas and by "eating the hell out of bananas" I mean I have had 3 in the last 5 days. Three! I don't think I have eaten 3 bananas in the last year. Mind you the bananas have all fit the criteria above but still. Three! Apparently they have something in them that my body is craving which I guess it would make it really good that I am listening to my body. Oh and I should add that I have been eating them with a side of chocolate milk. Random. Totally random. And yet? Totally delicious. I think I am going to keep eating away at whatever my body says I should go for.

In other food news, I realized in the last couple of days how much different my Easter is going to be. You see...I love peeps. A lot. In fact, a lot of people in my family love peeps and guess what peeps have in them? Yup. Red 40. Oh and so do Robin Eggs, my other Easter candy love. It makes me kinda sad that I won't be able to partake in the eating of such items this Easter holiday. Both of those are like family traditions for my family. Oh well. I guess it is time to make new traditions but what?

It's Perfect!

That's what the doctor said about the babies heartbeat today. Not gonna lie...that's probably the best thing I could have heard all week. Let's just say, I have been hurting lately. Thursday night and last night were the cake toppers. I'll spare you the details but trust me...I was/am in rough shape. Of everything that is going on with me the main thing that the doctor was concerned about was the fact that I lost 6 pounds since my last appointment. I thought I had reached my pre-preggo weight but that loss brings me to a total of almost -10 pounds and I am over 12 weeks pregnant. That just seems so wrong to me, you know? Boyfriend and I think it has to do with the fact that I changed my diet so much but who knows. I'm just going to keep going and pray that the baby keeps strong which I think it will. God has been so good!

I have had a lot of stressors in my life lately. You wouldn't think so since I have the best job on the planet, the greatest boyfriend ever and an awesome support network but there has been SO much weighing on my mind. For example, we need to move soon but we need a place that takes 3 dogs. My classes have been cut at the studio due to it getting closer to summer and the studio slows down in the summer. Well...the whole pregnancy thing and more. God is totally there and listening to everything. I expressed, not in the most adult manner, my concern about finding a place to live to boyfriend and in true boy fashion he didn't seem too concerned which only frustrated me further. I should have known that he was listening though because by the next afternoon he had a place already picked out...I just needed to look at it. I decided while we were on the phone to trust him. I asked him, "Do you think it is a good fit for us?" He replied, "Yes." I told him to just take it. After seeing a layout similar to the house we are moving into I am so glad that I did. It is amazing! Plus it has a pool in a GATED area! Um...YES please! Guess where my fat, pregnant butt is going to be for the majority of the summer? Yup. The pool. Oh and it will be nice to be able to sit outside and not have the dogs in our faces. And then God gave me another amazing gift today...a financial opportunity that is small but will help SO much. I feel so unbelievably blessed. Oh and then there is my support network. SIL has saved me the last couple of weeks and starting next week we are putting the petal to the metal. We are starting a quilt. You read that right. After talking about it for almost 2 years I am finally going to do it. I'm not making the one for the master bedroom yet but we decided we need to just do it. Stop talking about it and just plain do it. I'm so lucky!

Which is Really Better?

Earlier this week my aunt wrote a blog post about what she thought of her own blog. She mentioned how she didn't think that her posts went very deep and she admired those that wrote whatever they wanted with without concern of repercussion and an attitude of "let them come". Mind you, I'm paraphrasing how her post read to me.

Her post got me thinking. Is it really something to be admired? I've written about A LOT of things that other people have told me that I shouldn't have. In the very beginning, I used to write bitch posts about my then husband but I quickly learned that that doesn't honor him and that he was, in fact, my husband so I should honor at least that part. I don't write bad things about other people just to hurt them. I really only ever write about me, my feeling, and how I am reacting to a certain situation that may involve other people but I don't write about them as a person. You see...it's my blog. That's what you do, isn't it? I have written a bunch of stuff that has ruffled feathers but in a good way. People were challenged in what they think or feel so they responded and either respectfully agreed or disagreed. I like it when people do that. I've written a couple of posts that I wish I wouldn't have written and said some things in ways I probably shouldn't have said them. I've then written follow up posts with apologies and admittance of wrongdoing. Those are hard to write not because I hate being wrong but because I know I did some damage with them. I try really hard now to think my posts all the way through and remove anything that can be perceived as...well...I'm not sure what they are perceived as. My blog has changed a lot since it started because of that very thing.

My point to all of this is, I still "get in trouble". Even after all of my thinking about how to best present a post so it can't be mistaken. So my aunt knows, it doesn't matter what you write or how you write about a certain topic or situation if people want to get offended they will get offended. They will take things out of context. They will take things that you have said and twist them around so it somehow fits how they believe you really feel. For example, towards the end of last year I met a gal who was my walking twin. Literally almost every aspect of our lives paralleled. We exchanged numbers and I happily wrote about how awesome it was to meet someone like that. No sooner had another friend read it before I got a nasty series of text messages about how it seemed that I was looking for a replacement friend for the friend that sent the text to me.  She said some awful things to me. That one small post about how excited I was to meet a new friend was the beginning wedge that went into my other friendship and ultimately it ended. She and I don't talk at all anymore. Why? Because she thought I was looking for a replacement based off of one happy blog post. Wanna know the sad thing about that whole situation. It made me feel so awful that she felt that way that I still haven't hung out with the other gal, who I had so much in common with. God is good though. I ran into that gal the other day and he sparked that friendship possibility again. You don't often get second chances. I'm not passing up on it this time.

I also have had a friend who I used to be pretty close to link my blog to hers so I was in her blog roll. That ultimately led to people who read her blog clicking on my blog and becoming followers which lead to me and that person kinda becoming internet friends. You know what happened then? The original friend got so jealous of that friendship that she deleted me off of her blog roll. Oh...she still reads my blog but there is no way that any of her friends will ever find mine. Blog jealousy is something that I never expected.

I have received horrible emails from people. I have had terrible things said to me based off of stuff I have written. I have had people so angry at me for sharing my story of assault and miscarriage. I have had quite a few friendships end or come close to ending because the other person took something that I wrote personally when it was never meant personally. I was just sharing my thoughts with no motives behind it. That's what a personal blog is, isn't it? A place to put all of your personal thoughts in one place? So...writing what you feel isn't really all it's cracked up to be. Maybe those people were just looking for a reason to get mad at me so they put on goggles of hurt just looking for a reason or who knows what. It has made me a lot more aware though. I am very good at being able to read other things that people write and take it for exactly what it is...their thoughts. Who would have thought a blog could cause so much trouble?

Comfort Food Part 2

A long time ago I wrote about my comfort food. With all of the changes that my body is going through I have quickly come to the conclusion that it is time to let all of the fake crap go. This includes, of course, my original comfort food, Kraft macaroni and cheese. Last night as I was driving home from the dance studio I got the overwhelming desire for another comfort food. In fact, it was a comfort food that I didn't know existed as a comfort food until I finally let the other one go. It is my Mom's goulash. Here's the deal with the goulash though...the kind my Mom makes looking nothing like all of the Hungarian recipes out there so as I walked into the store I called my Mom for the recipe. I found it fascinating that in all of these years I had never actually made it myself and yet...here it is my #2 comfort food. Thinking back though I realized that nothing made me happier than seeing leftovers of it in her fridge. I have eaten it countless times over there but I was always thinking about it as a fun something I only get every so often not as the true comfort food that it is. Here's what I learned in talking to my Mom. Goulash is nothing special...at least as far as ingredients go.

Ground Hamburger
Spaghetti Sauce
Ketchup
Macaroni Noodles

Seriously. That's it. My Mom went onto explain it's just like spaghetti but with different noodles because my Dad doesn't like spaghetti noodles. Not gonna lie...I was stunned. I was expecting some spectacular something but instead I got the most basic recipe I could have hoped for and it is WAY healthier than my original comfort food. I decided to go all out and instead of buying regular hamburger I bought ground sirloin (YUM!) and I used noodle shells instead. The part that I loved is I whipped it up at home and Boyfriend was like, "WOW! this is delicious! What is it?" To which I responded, "It's just spaghetti with different noodles and a little ketchup." He was stunned too. It's funny how we condition ourselves to different tastes based just on how it looks. Oh and just so you guys know...it's 8:00 in the morning and I'm eating some right now. It's okay...you can be jealous.

Sh*t Pie

I love my Dad. I really do. He doesn't often say much about particular subjects but when he does his words are often priceless. Let's take, for example, our conversation on Saturday afternoon. Last Friday would have been my 4th wedding anniversary if I had stayed in my awful marriage. Here's the crazy thing about it...I forgot. Well, mostly. I remembered a couple of times but then forgot again. I just kept reremembering. Weird. Anyway, I was talking to my Dad about it and how weird it felt because I thought that day would be something that I kinda always remembered. It wasn't though. I then went onto to talk about how happy I am with Boyfriend and how different our relationship is from what my marriage was. About how much I love Boyfriend and so on. My Dad, who never really says cuss words, then said the SENTENCE of the year! Oh and it would be good to premise this statement with the fact that my Dad is one of the only people that witnessed my ex-husband at his finest...um...I mean drunkest/meanest. My Dad said, "Yeah...you went from a shit pie to a cherry pie." I almost choked! I love my Dad.

Love is...

Sometimes when I am really sick and spend a lot of time hugging the toilet it makes me really tired and after a while it starts to hurt really bad. That also means that sometimes the last thing that I want to do is to stand up and walk around so I'll just lay down on my back for a few to get my wits about me again. It actually feels really good because the tile is so cool (no wonder the dogs LOVE to lay on tile in the heat of the summer). Anyway, that is the kind of day I had yesterday. As soon as I got home from the studio I basically went straight into the bathroom. I hate doing that because I read somewhere that how you spend your first 5 minutes of when you walk in the door sets the mood for the rest of the evening. After I got done being sick and I laid back on the floor I called for boyfriend to tell me about his day. He walked around the corner, saw me laying there, laughed a little and asked me what I was doing. I went onto explain what I just told you guys and he immediately laid down on the floor next to me. I was laying in the bathroom and he was laying in the hallway. We laid there for probably 10 minutes talking about our days and telling each other about our workouts. He held my hand and treated me like we weren't doing something completely out of the ordinary. He treated just like we were standing in the kitchen or sitting on the couch or any other number of places we normally talk. That, my friends, is love. So to put it in the style of the Love is... books (I wish I could draw cause this would be a great image too):

Love is laying on the floor with your sick, pregnant girlfriend and talking about your day.

What a Wreck

I hurt so bad. I really thought I was out of the woods (so to say) when it came to getting REALLY sick and well...let's just say...I'm not. Yesterday was really rough as was pretty much the rest of the week after we got back from Bisbee. I definitely overdid it Monday and Tuesday of last week and it came back to make sure I knew I had but yesterday was the worst of all. Boyfriend and I got up a little earlier than usual for our Sunday (6:00am) so we decided to hit the 9:30am service. We got ready to go and drove almost all the way there before I had Boyfriend pull over. We then drove the rest of the way to church and were about to park when I said, "I can't do this today." I'm glad I listened to myself because we barely made it out of there before he had to pull over again. I'm so sick of feeling like this but at the same time I'm so grateful that I am feeling like this because it means that the little baby is still inside of me. I am over 11 weeks so that means that I am like 1/3 of the way done with this whole thing. Kinda scary to think about that. I found out yesterday that Boyfriend's folks want to be here when the baby is born. I don't know why but that made me super happy. I really like his folks and it seems to make everything complete having both my family and his here to welcome our first baby into the world. I'm so blessed.

Back to why we were both up at 6:00am on Sunday. Saturday night I participated in an event for Tres Dias in Prescott. I was really glad I went because of how I was blessed by it on my weekend but at the same time I was aggravated by some of the people. Most of them were really great and it was super fun to talk to them while others felt the need to give me advice. Here's the thing about advice. If I don't have any kind of a relationship with you why in the world do you think it is your place to give me your opinion on a situation that you are supposed to know nothing about? I didn't go to get attention or to I don't know what but so many people felt the need to make sure I understood the whole situation. The reality is...I didn't want to talk about it. That wasn't why I was there. I was there to sing and that's it. I wasn't looking for any kind of closure. I just wanted to pass a blessing on. I finally started getting blunt with people in the hopes that they would just leave me alone. I even had one women go into some explanation about there being rules for this sort of thing or something like that. I don't know...apparently I missed the rule book but that isn't the point. I didn't need to be soothed. I am at peace with the whole situation. I wish them really well next weekend and hope that the people attending get everything that they can out of what is about to be shared with them. I don't have angry thoughts. I don't want them to fail. I don't wish anything ill upon any of the people that are a part of it but I do wish that people would mind their own business. I guess that comes with the territory though. People feel like they need to fix stuff but they really only end up pushing people further away. I honestly didn't want to talk about it. Tell me about your family. Tell me about your work. Tell me about what is happening in your life right now. Don't tell me what I should be feeling about a situation you shouldn't know anything about. Especially if you have never really even talked to me before. The sucky part is there was one part that had us standing for a long time in a really warm room. I tried leaning against the wall and other things to no avail. The room did that thing where it shrinks and grows and shrinks and grows and fades in and out. I almost passed out. I decided that me sneaking out the side door was a much better option that dropping flat to the ground in front of everyone. I immediately ran outside and laid down on the sidewalk. It took me like 5 minutes to get myself back together.

The gals I rode with were awesome though. I wasn't planning on even attending the event because I didn't want to drive by myself but one of the gals called and asked me if I wanted to ride with her. It was so nice to hang with a couple of girls and talk about babies. Both of them have more than one baby so it was nice to talk about different options for child birth and even after. I was blown away by all of the different things there were to think about. Thank goodness for having so much time to figure stuff out, you know? The unfortunate thing to this whole night was that is went much later than I anticipated so I got to my folks place by 11 something. I still had 30 more minutes of driving to do and after almost falling asleep talking to my Mom she recommended I crash on the couch for a little. I was out like a light and didn't wake up until Boyfriend called me early Sunday morning. Poor guy! I had texted him that I was going to lay down for a bit but would text when I was on my way. I guess that meant all the way on Sunday. I missed him. I always miss him. We spent the entire day together yesterday. After I decided not to do church we headed to Starbuck's in the hopes that I could hold down a bagel, which I did! Of course that was after the second stop. We then walked back to the car but I got tired along the way and had to lay down so right there in the middle of the sidewalk I did just that. The thing about not feeling good now is I just don't care. I have thrown up in many parking lots and bathrooms. I have laid on countless sidewalks and benches. I have eaten whatever I could in the hopes of keeping it down and the one thing that keeps coming to mind is I really don't care what people think about it. It's a nice feeling not caring sometimes. Speaking of laying down...I'm going to go do that again right now.