Prepartum Depression?

Prepartum Depression? Is there such a thing? If so, I think I have it. In the worst kind of way. I'm not sure what to do about it so I'm going to appease myself with something superficial like a pedicure. I haven't had one of those in a long time. Maybe that will help but probably not. At least I know I'm reaching to try to fix it. I know it won't work but I'm going to do it anyway...just in the off chance that is does. I feel like my lack of life is stressing JD out so I need to do something to fix it.

It's Okay

I had a massive breath through this week. I mean MASSIVE! I've been trying to grow my hair out and felt like now that I am pregnant I should definitely grow it longer for...who knows why. I got pretty far along in the process when I had a little set back over a month ago. In desperation I went and saw someone else. She did an okay job but not like what Sarah does. That appeased me for a little while but ultimately I decided 2 weeks ago that is was time to cut it short short again. I made an appointment and went in and saw Sarah on Thursday. She is so talented!

The first thing Sarah did was to make sure I wasn't making an emotional/hormonal decision. I really appreciated her asking me that. It made me finally vocalize what I had been feeling. I had been trying to fit myself into what I *thought* I should be...being a stay at home Mom that is. Everything from how I look to how my house looks. As I sat there in Sarah's chair I realized I don't want to be that kind of a Mom. I want to be ME but with a baby. I let Sarah decide on everything and let me tell you...she knows me and my style even better than I do. Thank goodness for that. She highlighted it and chopped it off. I had "buyer's remorse" for like a second as I sat there staring at myself. Not because it looked bad but because all of the length was gone. All second thoughts were gone when I woke up the next morning and saw myself in the mirror I finally saw ME for the first time in a long time. It was me. I was so happy.

Later that day I headed to the pool and felt even better when I saw a Mom that looked just like me. Short hair, a bikini and had tattoos. I often feel so out of place with a lot of the other women because I don't look anything like them. I realized that there are Moms like me that exist but even if there weren't it's still okay that I am myself.

Tiny Tops and Barely There Bottoms

It is so easy to slide backwards in the whole journey to love yourself. I've been on a fast, steep decent down that mountain for the last couple of months. I get it. I'm pregnant. My body is going to change. I have been viewing all of the physical changes as negative. Don't get me wrong...I SAID I felt okay about my body but in all reality, I didn't. I was starting to hate how I looked and then I went swim suit shopping for a preggo suit. Big mistake. BIG BIG mistake. I *may* or may not have left the store both empty handed and a complete wreck. I decided it was about time to embrace myself. All of it. So instead of getting a big giant preggo suit I went to Walmart and picked up 2 different bikinis whose tops and bottoms were interchangeable so I really have 4 different suit options and I decided to rock them. Who cares what anyone else thinks. I need to love the look of me so I stood in front of a mirror wearing just the suit and analyzed every bit of myself. Normally that would be counter productive but this time it wasn't. When I left that mirror I loved what I saw. No, my legs aren't perfect but I have the most delightful little baby bump that is protecting each and every little inch of my baby. How can I not love it? I went to the pool both yesterday and today and rocked 2 different versions of my new suit and I still feel good. It's about time that happened.

I was afraid that I would slowly make my way into the land of self loathing, where I use to live, and then one day look at myself and realize that I hated who I was. I can't go there again. I can't. I had to nip this in the bud and luckily I did. I also am starting to hate my hair. I was trying to grow it out and even did a little hack job in the meantime but it is time to go see Sarah again. She always makes everything better. She somehow fixes both my hair and my heart. Good thing I decided to finally listen to myself and already made an appointment for today. YAHOO! Nothing like a new bathing suit and hair do to make everything better. Oh and a new attitude too. That probably did the most good.

Frustrated.

Feeling like I had to post about the workshop thing I am a part of has created a bit of writers block. I don't want to write about it. I'm seriously so over it. Now I am stuck in this land where I don't know what else to say.

I'm not feeling good again but it isn't due to pregnancy. I think it is due to all of the crap that is going around. Boyfriend has been feeling it too. He and I have had so much going on that it is time for us to do...well...nothing. We made a pact that this weekend would be a weekend of absolutely no expectations. We were out town last weekend and will be gone again soon so it is time to just...well...do nothing. Maybe just doing a post like this is what I needed and I'll have better stuff to write tomorrow? I hope so...

Day 14: Don't be a Drag. Just be a Queen.

So between being kinda agitated with this whole workshop and getting sick I haven't written about the assignments the last couple of days. I was going to write stuff yesterday but I got stuck in the land of feeling like I needed to go back to the last day I wrote about and start there so...instead I did nothing. Today I decided to just start on today. I have a love/hate relationship with today's assignment though. We were supposed to listen to and then read the lyrics for Lady Gaga's song Born This Way.

Born This Way LyricsIt doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were Born This Way, Baby
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"
[Chorus:]
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
[Post-chorus:]
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't be a drag -Just be a queen
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be my self, respect my youth
A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)
[Repeat chorus + post-chorus]
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way
No matter gay, straight, or bi,
lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.
[Repeat chorus]
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
[Repeat]

Here's the thing. I can appreciate what this assignment is trying to do but Lady Gaga makes me want to vomit. I have no respect for her as a person so I had a hard time separating my opinion of the person from the message it was trying to convey. I'm going to try though. Her aside, I love that this song is about embracing who you are. I do have to admit that I don't agree with all of the lyrics but for the most part it has a good message. It made me think about a quote I saw yesterday that I don't agree with..not even in the slightest. 

"Try a little harder to be a little better."

It didn't have who said it listed but either way...gag me. Don't we, as women, have a hard enough time feeling like we are good enough without crap like that being said to us? There is this constant message that blinks at us over and over and over and over and over again.

You're not good enough.  

You're not good enough.  

You're not good enough.  

You're not good enough.  

You're not good enough.  

You're not good enough. 

Have you ever thought that maybe...just maybe...you are good enough? Isn't that a strange thought? That you...exactly how you are RIGHT NOW...are perfect. God made you this way. You're good enough. That's the mantra we should be hearing but instead we are surrounded by quotes like the one above, magazines full of women who have been retouched to become "perfect", and advertisements showing us all of the different ways we can do more, be better, etc... Maybe I like that song more than I initially thought. I have to appreciate anyone who promotes the idea that WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST AS WE ARE. Who would have thought I would ever agree with Lady Gaga?! I most certainly didn't...

Day 9: You DO know!

I'm not gonna lie...this whole thing is kinda losing its luster. It started off with a strong couple of assignments but has slowly petered off to...well...froo froo land. Today's assignment seemed a little redundent from one we did the other day.

What do YOU know, right now?

1. I'm annoyed by this program. It had such a good start but has been steadily going down hill. That disappoints me. I have read a lot on the women who are doing this and I know they what they are capable of. Maybe this is the part where other women are getting a lot and my turn will come back around.

2. I'm so excited to get going on designing JD's room. We decided to go the route of a fisherman room and it is totally coming together in my mind. I can't wait to get it out and into his room. I have an awesome friend that is giving us a crib that will be delivered tomorrow. I can't wait to get it up and into his room though that part will have to wait until Saturday afternoon when our closet is finally finished so I can get all of my clothes off of the floor. I found a quote that I want to cut in vinyl and put on the wall. It's amazing!

"The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope."  ~ John Buchan

3. I'm beyond excited about the upcoming makeup courses I get to teach! The dates for the 6 week course haven't been decided on yet but I get to do 2 more workshops coming up in November and December that I am already planning. They are going to super rock! 

4. I can't wait to get going on the bridal stuff again. I spoke to the gal I am working with to do and I think we are both back on board. Life and fear got in the way of both of us and it is time to let us shine. This is the thing that I think I am going to be huge on. I mean SERIOUSLY huge. I'm not concerned with making a lot of money. I'm concerned with reaching a lot of women whether they be brides or other women that want help with makeup. Through talking with a lot of women it isn't that they don't want to wear makeup it is that they don't know how. I do and I'm good at teaching it. Time to put my God given talent to use. 

That's about all I'm thinking about right now...

Day 8: Rejuvenate

I'm somewhat aggravated by today's homework so I'm going to leave it for last and talk about the fun stuff first.

The best news of all is we are having a BOY! He's beautiful and perfect and absolutely amazing in every way possible!

I loved the way that the ultrasound tech gave us the news.

Tech: What do you think you all are having?
Me: Everyone thinks that it's a girl.
Tech: Well...everyone is wrong.

We were absolutely delighted at the news and ever more delighted when we met with the doctor herself and she went over in detail how wonderfully perfect he is growing. Perfect heart. Perfect lungs. Perfect hands. Perfect feet. Perfect nose length. Perfect size. He's almost exactly the perfect size for how along I am as well. She told us that she wished that all appointments went like ours. Easy to share when there is nothing wrong. Oh! I just love writing that!

I also thought about the whole owl theme and have decided so go with something a little bit more masculine and what can be more masculine then a fishing theme! One of Boyfriend's most favorite things to do is fish so I thought..."why not?" Of course, Boyfriend wanted a Harley theme but I'm not a huge fan of that. We're going to have enough Harley stuff floating around without dedicating the babies entire room to it. I can't wait to see how the room turns out! I have so many different ideas swimming around in my head! I hope my sweet sweet boy loves it!

In other news, just as important, my left breast ultrasound came back CLEAN! Just some fibrous tissue. I have to be honest though, I was so excited about the news of little JD that I barely had time to celebrate my victory. Kinda like I could handle something being wrong with me but not my baby boy. I guess that is part of what God threads into the hearts of women.

My back still isn't feeling the greatest but is a little bit better. I can feel that is just on the verge of popping back into place but then...NOTHING! It's driving me crazy! I was hoping that taking a hot yoga class would make me feel better but upon mentioning that to my doctor I got scolded. I think her exact words were, "You and your fitness routines! No more hot yoga." So...with that out of the running I have been left with lots of stretching and foam rolling. At least I can stand upright and kinda bend over to pick things up.

So...back to my homework for today.

Rejuvenation Station: When you look at your To-Do list today cross off everything that absolutely DOES NOT have to be done TODAY. Don’t worry ladies – you have a female brain that has helped our species survive for tens of thousands of years by remembering details. I promise you won’t forget. Trust yourself. Only do the things that HAVE to get done today and then – here’s the fun part – see what you feel like doing in all that extra space. I am always surprised how much more gets accomplished in such a short time when I follow my delight.

I was really mad to read this one today because I had a lot on my to-do list to get done and had a boat load of motivation to get it done. Grrrrr...

Day 7: Desire is your compass. Follow it.

Yesterdays assignment was a bit of a bust. I'll have to try it again tomorrow and let you know. Todays I was all over!

When is the last time you felt a craving so strong you actually wrestled with it? What do you think you were REALLY hungry for?

This assignment was about letting go of the negative connotation that following your desires often gets. People think that it is awful to give into their desires. They should be able to control themselves. That includes not giving into your desires. I control me. Me doesn't control I. You see it everyday on people's blog. This constant battle between what the body wants and what you let your body have. This particular assignment suggests living for a day doing only what you desire but that doesn't seem rational to me. Sometimes I don't desire working but that doesn't mean I don't work does it? Maybe I'm missing the point but it seems like there has to be a happy medium between following your desires and maintaining a healthy balance of living life. Anyway, back to the assignment. For a couple of weeks I have been desiring Costco's jalapeneo artichoke dip. I've mentally battled with that fact that it isn't healthy. Blah. Blah. Blah. Today? I went and bought some. Boo yeah! It was delicious. Oh and I don't think I was really hungry for anything else other then just what my tummy got.

Day 4: Own Your Story

I didn't want you guys to think that I forgot to post or just skipped out on posting Day 4 but instead I decided to think about it a lot. Below is what our homework was.

Call to Shine: Excavate Your Story

Here's the deal. The point of this assignment was to "own your story so it no longer owns you". I feel like I've already done that. Through multiple points over the last 2 and a half years I have faced so many things that were holding me back. My divorce. My sexual assault. My miscarriage (a couple years ago...I'm still preggo with this little bundle of joy). Lots of hurt. Lots of heartache. Lots of joy. Lots of relief. Lots of everything. At some point I HAVE to stop thinking about the things of my past and focus on the now...which, incidentally, is my intention for this workshop. All of this leads me to my decision to not do it again. To not hash out all of the things that make up my story. I've done it. I've owned and now I am the author of my life rather then my life dictating the things that happen to me. Yes, things still happen outside of my control BUT I am making more concius decisions on how to respond. 

Aside from homework life is going well! Boyfriend is home safe and sound. That made for a very happy Kathy. He finally got to feel the baby move. I think he is having a harder time connecting with it since...well...he isn't the one carrying it. He did, however, comment in a really surprised tone that "there's a baby in there!" It made me laugh because that is the same feeling I keep getting over and over again. I love being pregnant. Oh! AND...we find out whether we are having a boy or a girl today! YAHOO! We can stop calling the baby...well...the baby. I sometimes accidently call the baby a she or her but Boyfriend always catches me in it. I can't help it. I think we're having a girl. Only time will tell...less than 4 hours and counting! In other news, I threw out my back and it hurts to move. That can't be good. I can't do any of the things that I normally do to fix it. Add that to the list of things to talk to my doctor about this afternoon. 

Day 5: Engage with your Environment

Today we had quite the unexpected day today. We ended up having to go over to the old house and do some yard cleanup. It was actually nice to just go with the flow. I don't do that very often. I'm trying really hard to be better at it. Anyway, the homework today was to enjoy your environment. The sights. The smells. Everything.

What was a perfect moment today?

My perfect moment happened today in the absolute heat of the day. It was 106 degrees today and we were cleaning up the yard. All I had was the smell of dirt in my nose and heat on my skin. Our old neighbor had let us borrow his hedge trimmer so I went over to return it. As he and I were walking to the garage to put it back I found out that he and his wife are, in fact, back together. They had been separated for a couple of months and he and I had had many conversations about how he could, hopefully, fix his marriage. They did it! Best. Moment. Of. Today.

Day 3: Live Inside Out

Phew! Another assignment I can do really well! Don't worry. It's not Debbie Downerish like yesterday's post was but it is, as always, honest with a splash of too much information.

Go ahead. Don’t let your internal editor in on this one. Open the window to your soul. What do you want to say RIGHT NOW?

 Well...let's see...

1. I'm freaking tired. I mean TIRED tired. A small part of me wants Boyfriend home just so I can start sleeping normal again. I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night only to reach over and realize, once again, that I am alone in bed. I don't like it. He's supposed to be there but he's not. Stupid job.

2. I feel like a whale. I haven't really put on too much weight but I hate seeing this giant, not yet looking like a baby bump stomach of mine. Right now I just look fat. I actually try to work my being pregnant into conversations with new people just so they know I'm pregnant and not just ignoring my body. Isn't that sad? Who cares?! I pregnant and beautiful. I have a baby who is growing and kicking. That is something to love and celebrate not something to be embarrassed about the inevitable weight gain of having 25-30 pounds worth of baby and other stuff coming together in my stomach.

3. I'm terrified of becoming "just a housewife". Here's the thing...when I look at other women who have made the sacrifice of being stay at home Moms and housewives I never see them and "just" that. They are some of the most couragous women I know and I am delighted that I get to be in their company. I guess it really comes down to I still want to make a difference in the lives of other women. Being a woman is hard. It's really easy to get down on yourself when you are surrounded by hundreds of thousands of images of women who have been touched up in Photoshop. That isn't reality. I want to make a difference outside of myself. I don't want to turn into a shuttle carrier performing the work of everyone else while letting go and not being true of myself. Helping other women is a part of who I am. It's woven into the very fabric of my being. I have to do it. I have to.

4. I'm terrified that my baby won't be "normal". I've been so sick and hate that I have to take the prescription drugs but they are the only thing that has allowed me to keep food down...even today...at over 20 weeks. What if those drugs cause side effects in the development of my baby? I'm terrified that it will ruin my relationship. A baby is suppose to be an outward expression of an inward love. A baby is a product of the love of 2 people but, sadly, too often it becomes the destruction of that love and if the baby has issues beyond normalcy your chances of the relationship failing increase significantly.

5. I get overwhelmed with friendship. I know relationships of all shapes and sizes require work but sometimes I feel like I gravitate towards the kind of friends who suck me dry. If I'm completely honest, that is why I've backed away from so many relationships since being pregnant. Granted most of them just threw the Bible at me when they found out (GASP) I'm living with Boyfriend and we're preggo so they have made no effort to be a part of my life but I haven't run after them either. It's too draining. I have too much going on without feeling like I always have to defend myself and my decisions. There's nothing to defend. I found these words on the Turned {On} Woman Manifesto and have decided that they are my words to live by. "She wasn’t always popular, but she was always true." 

6. Sometimes I just want to move. To start over. To begin again without any thought of who I would miss. I like discovering new places and people and often feel stuck in the land of familiar. I like that land of the unfamiliar...though not all the time.

7. I hate that I'm pregnant and not married. Not because of all of the moral reasons people have preached at me but because the idea of my baby being born and having a different last name as me makes me want to vomit but the idea of giving the baby my last name instead of Boyfriends seems absolutely 100% wrong.

8. I'm terrified of my own potential. I know that if I would finally 100% commit myself to something it would blow up in a huge, amazing, wonderful, astonishing way. Instead? I skirt in the land of "just getting by". Maybe it is the underlying "what if" that keeps me from doing it but what if my what if is something spectacular? What then? How do you move past and live if you've already reached your greatest potential? Or is that really your greatest potential of all? Do you have to keep moving up and one upping yourself? What if one day I wake up and realize that I hate my life, what I've made of it and just want to close up shop, so to speak, and do something else completely? What then?

9. I get angry at God that he kept me from meeting Boyfriend until now. He is my match. I feel cheated on the time that I haven't gotten with him. I know we have many years to come but still. Boo.

10. I'm still in bed as I write this and it makes me angry. I let so much motivation go. I spend too much time on the computer, too much time doing nothing and not nearly enough time living life. Gag me. That's it. I'm going to a yoga class.

Day 2: You Are Enough

Now this is an assignment I can do REALLY easy. In fact, I do it on a regular basis. Often several times throughout of the day and by often I mean...all. day. long. It's a problem I have that I am trying to change but don't know how. Boyfriend gets on me all the time about it. Ready to know what it is? It is answering this question.

Where do you tell yourself you are not enough?

Yeah...about that...let me count the ways...

I tell myself I am not enough at home. At work. At church. With my family. As a girlfriend. As a sister. As a friend. As a daughter. As a mother (and that hasn't even happened yet). As an employee. As a fill in the blank.

I'm constantly giving myself mental grief about not being enough. Every now and then I have a breakthrough and just for a moment, a very tiny moment, I actually feel like I am enough but that moment only last until the next thing comes up in my life. It can be simple things like forgetting to pick up milk on my way home and Boyfriend not being able to have it with breakfast the next morning. Does he criticize me? Not one bit. Has he ever complained? Not a chance. Do I beat myself up constantly over all of the things that I'm not good enough at? Oh yes. Yes, indeed I do.

I thought I had worked past a lot of these issues but, in fact, I felt good as long as no one really relied on me. Being in a relationship again has opened up a lot of insecurities that I thought were gone. It boggles my mind why Boyfriend, who is so fantastic, would ever want to be with someone like me. What exactly is wrong with me I'm not sure because I really do think that I'm smart and funny and fun to be around and pretty and so much more but when it comes to me being with him...I just don't feel like enough. He's never really given me a reason to feel like that either. It's all in my head. The problem comes in when my insecurities interfere with our relationship. I take things personally that aren't meant personally. I read into stuff that really is only surface level. I build stuff up to be big GIANT things when in reality they are literally nothing.

I think that is part of why I'm so picky about who I spend my time with. I'm hard enough on myself. I don't need "friends"trying to make me feel guilty about choices that I am making or have made in the past. I like the position I am in my life. I love that I am pregnant. I actually have some "friends" that haven't even congratulated me and won't comment on any of my Facebook posts or preggo pictures because "they don't agree with my life choice." Really? Who cares? Is it your life? A baby is something to be congratulated and celebrated not something to be hid or covered up. I find it sad that I have gotten way more support and love from the women I know and see at the dance studio then I have my "friends", many of whom tout themselves as "good Christian women". Really. Between the 2 examples I would rather be like the women at the studio. Honest, loving and supportive. In fact, I was going to go through and delete a bunch of people but one real friend (you know who you are) told me to be patient and give them a chance to come around. I decided she was right. Anywho, not sure where this rant came from but one thought ran into the other so...there it is.

In better news, I did a really cool makeup workshop tonight that went WAY longer than it was supposed to but that's okay. It was a great learning experience and it, once again, put it on my heart to get my butt in gear. There are so many women that just don't know how or what to do with makeup. I can help. I'm really, REALLY good at it. I have a whole studio at my fingertips with a supportive boss that says "go for it". I'm not going to get too many chances before it passes me up. It's time for me to put my scaredy pants away. It is time for me to go for it! For real this time.

Day 1: Set Your Turn [On] Intention

For the next month I'll be participating in an event called The 30 Day Turn-On GalaPalooza. Now...don't worry. It's not some 30 day sex experiment. When people use the term "Turned On" they usually mean aroused but that isn't the case for this particular workshop. In this case, it is talking about the awakening of a woman's spirit in order to achieve her highest potential. At least that's what I got out of the descriptions. We'll see as the month progresses. From what it looks like so far, everyday we will have some sort of a reading (today it was from the 2 creators on what exactly their intentions for this workshop are) and an assignment of some sort. Today? They gave us a question.

What is your intention for GalaPalooza?

What the hell. I don't know. To be honest, taking part in this workshop was an awesome opportunity presented to me by my boss, the owner of Express MiE, so not a lot of thought or decision making time when into deciding whether I wanted to do this or not. I just said, "Why not?" and signed up. Now they're asking me to pinpoint my intention. What exactly is an intention? We set them in pole class but they are guided by someone else. You can choose to set your own but I've never done it. Not once in the other 2 1/2 years of both taking and teaching pole have I set my very own intention for the class. My main reason is I don't exactly understand what it is for. Off to the internet I go...

My very first instinct when I read the question assignment was to set a goal. I like goals. I'm pretty good at achieving them too. Thank goodness for other people who know what they are talking about. The first page I found had a little bit of clarification for me.

"Goal making is a valuable skill; it involves envisioning a future outcome in the world or in your behavior, then planning, applying discipline, and working hard to achieve it. You organize your time and energy based on your goals; they help provide direction for your life. Committing to and visualizing those goals may assist you in your efforts, but neither of these activities is what I call setting intention. They both involve living in an imagined future and are not concerned with what is happening to you in the present moment. With goals, the future is always the focus: Are you going to reach the goal? Will you be happy when you do? What's next? 

Setting intention, at least according to Buddhist teachings, is quite different than goal making. It is not oriented toward a future outcome. Instead, it is a path or practice that is focused on how you are "being" in the present moment. Your attention is on the ever-present "now" in the constantly changing flow of life. You set your intentions based on understanding what matters most to you and make a commitment to align your worldly actions with your inner values." (http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/926)

Shit. That's my biggest problem of all. Being in the present moment. I live in this perpetual land of "the future". Always something bigger, better, more exciting, more romantic, more amazing, more spectacular, MORE, MORE, MORE. Never about now. Now is never enough. My Facebook status from yesterday sums that mindset up perfectly.

Have you ever imagined the person you want to be but been too impatient to actually give yourself the time to grow into it? That's where I'm at right now. I've big plans for me.

Ouch. The craziest bit of all is I can't even stay present in writing this blog post. I keep bouncing to different websites looking at all other stuff. Focus. Focus on the assignment at hand. I found another website that teaches you 8 ways to reconnect with the present moment. I'll probably be using #7 a little bit until I start to recognize how much time I actually spend in my past and present before I can move onto healthier techniques. Still...what is my intention for the next 30 days? I think I have found mine.

I am living in my here and now. 

Oh! I like it! What's so funny about the timing of this is Boyfriend and I were actually talking yesterday about how I spend too much time worrying about all of the things that may never be or that have already passed. If I'm in the here and now it will be hard to stress about what is to come. The really hard part will be that I'm living for Saturday at 12:30 when Boyfriend's flight comes in. Crap. That means I need to focus on what is happening right this minute. Me. Writing this blogpost.

I also found a great article about breathing techniques. I'm going to try this in the mornings before I get out of bed and at night before I go to sleep.

1. Sit in a relaxing position with your legs apart.
2. Put your hands on your stomach. Using your stomach breathe in slowly through your nose. If you are doing it right your stomach will expand and you´ll feel it with your hands.
3. Breathe out slowly through your nose and do it with some force so you feel your stomach pull slightly inwards towards your spine.
4. Breathe in and out for about 30 times. Take deep and slow breaths. 

After you have taken 30 breaths and focused on counting them you should not only feel more relaxed and centered. Your body will also be able to continue breathing in this manner without you focusing on it. That´s it. Continue with your normal day.

Wish me luck!