Scheduling at its Finest

Today begins my first attempt at creating a schedule for my new life. Obviously it will expand and evolve as JD get older but for now I'm keeping it simple. Last week was a flurry of visitors and hanging out with J's folks who, by the way, are freaking amazing. The anxiety I had of what it would be like trying to breast feed and whatnot was completely unnecessary. They made the transition from hospital to home so easy and did everything they could to make me and JD more comfortable. I miss them very much.

Now I'm sitting on the couch with my 1 week old baby boy laying next to me, watching him sleep, while thinking about the kind of life I want to create for him. It needs to be structured but not too structured. It needs to allow for play time as well as for chores to get done. As tempting as it is to do nothing except watch him sleep I know that I'll ultimately pay for it if I allow myself to slip into the habit. Here's what I am aiming for tomorrow:

Wake up whenever JD gets up
Feed him and let him slip back into his deep comma like sleep
Take JD for a walk that will later transition into a run
Do my 20 minutes of household chores
Do a load of laundry
Shower
Get dressed including doing my hair and makeup
Eat and make J eat
Spend the rest of the day until 4ish staring at my JD, feeding him, taking naps with him and eating lunch at some point
Make dinner
Eat dinner
Clean up dinner
Go on a walk with my SIL and JD
Shower
Spend the rest of the night hanging out with J and JD being an awesome family

That looks pretty doable for a first routine, right? I don't want to overdo it to the point of failure and the reality is I need sleep. This kiddo takes a lot out of me, not that I'm complaining, and I want to make sure that I am still taking care of myself. Plus I could watch him sleep like it's my full time job. He is so beautiful...so perfect...so absolutely delightful in every way that I just can't help myself...I love watching him be...well...himself.

I also need this routine to help structure myself. This baby blues thing is no joke. Last Friday I sank to a really really dark place that manifested itself with LOTS of crying for absolutely no reason. Poor J didn't know what to do with himself. He kept asking me if I was okay which I, obviously, was not but he would get stumped when he would ask me if I was sad which I am absolutely not. I just needed to cry a deep heart wrenching cry. It was compacted by the fact that I had for some reason agreed to work a party that night and forgotten about it so I didn't have time to get it covered. It turned out really well though. It got me out of the house and focusing on something else for a few minutes. When I came home I was back to myself. Saturday I had a similar episode, though not as severe, and J did a much better job helping me through it. He had me sit on his lap and he cradled me like a little baby all while cooing in my ear things like, "It's okay lil' girl. Everything is gonna be okay." It's hard to cry when you are laughing. That night we ended up going to my younger brother's house as well. I needed some time away from our house and it was the perfect distraction. I'm super terrified of sinking into Post Partum Depression so I'm going to do everything in my power to keep the baby blues just the baby blues and not the gateway to a deeper issue. I'm also joining a support group at the hospital to keep me getting out and about and will hopefully give me even more tools to combat Post Partum. I better get some shut eye while I still can. Toodles!

When All is Said and Done

It's amazing how just a few days leading to a few minutes can literally change everything about who you are. If you're thinking that I had my lil' JD then you are absolutely right. Somehow it was the most painful and yet most magical experience of my entire life. Nothing went "how it was supposed to" but everything happened how it needed to...absolutely perfect in every way.

Last Friday J's folks were scheduled to arrive. JD still wasn't here. I started feeling really bad because their entire trip was to meet the lil' guy and he hadn't even joined us yet. Somehow I felt really guilty about it though it was completely out of my control. I guess my body thought it could do something about it because when I woke up at 7:45 that morning I woke to losing my plug (if you don't know what that means and want to know what that means feel free to google "losing plug + pregnancy"). I freaked out for like a minute and then decided to go about my day because that can often happen days or weeks before you actually end up going into labor. At 9:30 I was shopping and had my first contraction. We're not talking Braxton Hicks. We were talking a real live contraction. Again those can happen for a few days before delivering so I kept shopping for a few more minutes. I do remember being really surprised at where it hurt...my back hurt the worst. I got a couple of them really close so by 10:00 I was starting to freak out a bit and called my Mom. She said she was on her way. "Phew!" was all I could think. "I can't do this by myself." Because I literally have the greatest Mom on the planet I didn't have to. She hung out with me all day. She played chauffeur on some errands and then just laid around with me watching movies while I contracted over and over and over again. The future in laws arrived at 3 something and my Dad came over not long after that. We all just hung out and talked while I continued to have contractions. At 7:00ish we made our first trip to the hospital. It was so exciting getting everything in the car, all driving over together and then sitting in triage only to find out that I was dilated to a 1 and only 60% effaced. Damn. Talk about defeated. My contractions hurt so bad in my back and they were going to get worse? The nurse said, "try an ice pack to make it feel better." Screw you was all I could think. We decided to go home and come back when things were more dire. In the parking lot I hugged my Mom and told her I would call her the next day.

I continued to have contractions all night. They hurt so bad. My back ached. J stayed up with me. We started by staying upstairs in the bedroom but the hurt just kept happening and I didn't want to keep up J's family with my crying. We ended up in the floor downstairs so I could move around better. You know what adds insult to injury in a situation like this? Throwing up on top of having horrific contractions. Not cool in any way. By 5:30ish the next morning I was in the tub trying to see if that would make me feel at least a little better. It didn't. I needed my Mom. J called her for me. She was waiting for the call. She came right over. She took one look at me and suggested we call my sister since it seemed that I was having back labor. A totally different kind of labor from the norm but one that my sister had experience with. We called. She came right over. The 3 of us labored upstairs for the next 12 or so hours. It hurt like hell. I was completely unprepared. My Mom helped me with the breathing part and Marsha helped me focus on my focal point. J held me. My Dad even came over to talk and hang out with J's folks since we were all holed up upstairs in the bedroom. It was a team effort. We headed to the hospital again at 5:00ish Saturday night. Mind you J and I hadn't slept since Thursday night. We were taken up to triage and this time it was a completely different story. I was dilated to a 5.5 and was 100% effaced. I cried when the nurse told me that. We weren't going home. This baby was coming. By the time my room was ready it was close to 6:30pm. We headed in and the real stuff began. We had a system down. J sat behind me on the bed. My sister would hop up on the end of the bed so I could squeeze her hands when a contraction would start and my Mom became my focal point and helped me with my breathing. My Dad and J's family waited in the waiting room. At 11:00ish my midwife came in to check on me. After all of the hurt. After using the labor tub. After a very long couple of hours. No progress. Nothing. J headed out to the waiting room to share the news and send people home to sleep with promises to call when things changed.

My midwife wanted to wait until 3:00am to do anything but my back pain told J and I otherwise. He got her sooner. They talked and it was decided that what we all needed, especially me, was some sleep. Nubain was decided on as the key for that as well as a very small dose of Pitocin. I ended up getting 2 doses of Nubain just so I could get some sleep. It felt wonderful! Our room looked pretty funny at that point because when I slept we all slept. There were bodies everywhere. Technically there were only 4 of us but it still looked like mass carnage. If I remember what my sister said correctly I ended up getting an hour and 45 minute nap. It felt like much longer. By 5:30am I had dilated to a 7 and my widwife suggested that maybe we should break my water to see if that would really kick things into gear. "Hell YEAH!" was what I remember thinking. She broke it and I almost cried with relief because it felt so good. Everyone thought we'd have a baby by lunch time. I remember thinking about how bad my back hurt but I could handle it for a few more hours. My brother had to work that morning so he stopped by for a few minutes before his shift started at 10:00 something. When he walked in the room I took one look at him and burst into tears. I hurt so bad was all I could say. He held my hand as I cried. My Dad came in for a little at that point too. I wanted them there. I needed them there. I was physically and emotionally exhausted as were my 3 cheerleaders. It has been over 24 hours since any of them had gotten any real sleep aside from the couple hours we were gifted from the Nubain and almost 48 hours since I had. My brother had to go work and my Dad headed back to the waiting room. I continued to have contractions. My back hurt so bad.

By lunch I found out that all that had happened was a lot of hurting and no more progress. I had stayed a 7. I was, once again, heart broken. I started crying. My back hurt so bad. My midwife then started calling the shots. I wasn't progressing on my own. She said I needed to get an epidural and more Pitocin since my body had responded so well to it last time. At this point I was too tired to think and trusted J when he said we should do it. My Mom and sister cleared the room for the next portion. There was a mad rush of people and equipment. Our super duper amazing nurse asked J to sit down. He said he'd rather stand. She said he didn't have a choice. Hospital policy. He sat while I got my epidural. All I remember from that whole experience was telling my anesthesiologist that he was a "fucking magician" and the instant relief I felt. J couldn't get over the needles. We were all blessed with a little more time to sleep. Since I was having so much back pain it was believed that lil' JD was sunny side up which puts more pressure on your back and makes it more difficult for the baby to come out. Because I was all drugged up every 30 or so minutes my nurse would come in and change my position. Side to side to sitting up. All of that trying to get him to flip. All I felt was warm and tingly.

By 2:30 it was time to push. An hour of pushing and the baby would be here is what was expected. The epidural was turned off so I could feel the contractions. After an hour and a half and 4 different pushing positions JD was still super wedged, though they could see his hair. Here I was...laid up on my back, my Mom was to my left holding my hand, J was holding my left leg, my midwife was in the center, the charge nurse was holding my right leg, my sister was to my right holding my right hand and my nurse was floating wherever needed. They were all cheering me on. They were all telling me I could do it. I didn't believe them. I gave up. I hurt. I was exhausted. I was tired of throwing up. I said out loud that I couldn't and didn't want do it anymore. I quit. I told my midwife to do whatever she needed to get him out but I was done. The OB was called. The suction cup and c-section was discussed. They still made me push when a contraction came on though. I did so but kinda half-assed. J thinks that my midwife thought I was being dramatic. Maybe I was...

All of a sudden something somewhere inside of me switched. I somehow decided that I HAD to push. I HAD to get this kid out. I didn't and wouldn't go through all of this hurt just to end up with a c-section. My pushing changed. Instead of holding my legs with my arms I took my hands, put them on either side of JD in my stomach and started literally pushing him out. Everytime I would contract I would frame him and push as hard as I could. I progressed. Finally! Slowly. JD inched along. I told everyone but Midwife that they couldn't talk. J was allowed to talk to me sometimes. He would come up right by my face, grab it and whisper to me. I don't remember what he said but I do remember that he was there for me...cheering me on. It killed him that I hurt so bad.

The OB arrived and I got frantic with my pushing. I started talking to JD in my mind everytime I would get a minute between contractions. He was doing so good! His heart rate was staying healthy. I have one hell of a baby. The last 2 pushes I remember saying to JD that we had to do this together. I couldn't do it without him. I prayed for God's help. It hurt like nothing I have ever felt before. At 5:15pm on Sunday, October 23rd my baby finally joined the world. My midwife thought JD was sunny side up and to this day I'm still not sure whether he was or not. The main thing I remember from the actual delivery is the collective murmuring of everyone about his size. Giving birth is one of the craziest feelings I have ever felt. Man...it hurt but the very second he came out and they laid him on my chest I knew that I would do it all over again. He was and is the most perfect thing I have ever seen. He didn't look gross like I thought he would look. In fact, he was pretty clean. I just laid there and held him as I cried. J came up and we cried together. JD is so beautiful. When the cord stopped pulsing my midwife clamped it and J cut it. He said it was a lot harder to cut than he thought it would be. Since they had flooded my body with Pitocin the second JD came out my uterus quickly and efficiently delivered my placenta in tact. It was GIANT! I guess it had to be...

I held JD for what felt like a long time but was actually just moments before they eventually bundled him up and gave him to J since I had to get some stitches (my first time getting stitches ever). Class 2 tearing is what I was told. I didn't care. I had my baby. He was perfect. As she was stitching me up my midwife told me that if she had known his size she would have recommended a c-section. That made me feel a whole lot better...like I wasn't just being dramatic. After I got stitched up I was able to nurse him for the first time. When I was finished and was sitting up in bed I told J to get his family and my Dad from the waiting room. They all came in and were able to watch JD get cleaned. My Mom got a picture of him being weighed. 9 pounds 6 ounces and 22 inches long. Holy hell. That's a whole lotta baby. I would still do it again...in a heartbeat.

There was a little bad news. JD was born with a fever so we would have stay in the hospital for at least 48 hours and he would have to get a bunch of extra tests to make sure there was no infection. He left shoulder also got a little stuck so he would have to get an x-ray to make sure it was okay. Nothing worse than feeling like crap after a very long day and then having your baby taken away for tests. Boo. They also moved me to a different room which took a toll on this poor body of mine. When all was said and done and I finally had my baby in my arms after everything  I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

I had hoped for a smooth natural delivery with little to no complications but instead I got 36 hours of active labor that included 2 doses of Nubain, an Epirudal, Pitocin, Zofran and 4 bags of IV fluid. I could be sad that it worked out that way but instead I am elated that it turned out like it turned out. God hand picked the timing, God hand picked the nurses, God hand picked the midwife on call, God hand picked my Mom, God hand picked my sister, God hand picked my J and God hand picked my JD. How can I be upset about that?

To my Mom: Thank you for being who you are. You are the kind of Mom that most people dream about and don't actually believe exists. You became my focal point. The thing that I searched out when I was in immense pain. You gave up 3 days of your life to be with me, to help me and to just show the kind of love and support that rarely, if ever, happens. You are the kind of Mom that I hope to be to JD.

To my sister: I will always and forever remember what you did for me those couple of days. You selflessly gave up your time to be with me without any planning, warning or complaining. You pushed me. You helped keep me sane. You said all of the right things at all of the right times. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life.

To my nurses, Aly and Meredith: It was as if God hand picked you for me. I had each one of you at the exact times that I needed you most. Your patience, kindness, and support were very appreciated. I will never forget your kindness.

To my midwife, Janice: You were the exact person I needed for this experience. You didn't play games or give false hope. You answered everything truthfully and with my and JD's best interest in mind. You were my final focal point and one of the main reasons I was able to finally get the job done.

To my J: Just remembering everything you did for me brings me to tears. It is hard to put into words the love and adoration I feel for you after going through this whole experience with you. I thought I loved you before this but it was nothing compared to what I feel now. I know you felt like you couldn't do anything right since I was so indecisive in what I seemed to want when in reality you did everything right. You pushed me when I needed it. You yelled at me when I needed it. You stayed quiet when I needed it. You encouraged me when I needed it. You were and will always be my perfect partner. I'm so excited we're on the journey together. I could not have gotten through this without you.

Now What?

It's 4:00am and I am completely and utterly defeated. I was awoken by my dog seeming to have an asthma attack of some sort and quickly following that with a trip to the bathroom. In case you were wondering...violently throwing up does not trigger a pregnant woman's water to break. Instead it is just a painful experience of having to bend over while still getting Braxton Hick's contractions. So now here I sit...eating a bowl a cereal... commiserating about the fact that that today is my due date aaaaaaand I'm still. freaking. pregnant. Oh and J's parent's and brother arrive in a day and a half. Awesome. If there were something that was the polar opposite of a party hat I would so be wearing it right now.

I'm going to say it. I'm beyond tired of being pregnant. Seriously. Bring on labor. Bring on the contractions. Bring on any and all pain that accompanies this thing called giving birth. I don't want to play this game called pregnancy anymore. I'm tired of being tired. I tired of feeling and looking like a giant whale. I'm tired of not being able to breath because he is leaning on my lungs. I'm tired of all of the shitty things that come with being pregnant. I want my water to break right now. I've begged God to let it happen and still...nothing. I'll admit it...I'm mad at him right now. There is absolutely no need for me to be pregnant anymore. My midwife estimates that JD is pushing 8 pounds. That's a nice healthy weight. In fact, it is so healthy that he probably won't ever wear any of the newborn clothes we were given. He'll probably go straight into 0-3 months. He miss wearing some super cute stuff but...I know...that is better than being born too small. Oh and to add insult to injury when I first opened my computer I went to the baby website that has been tracking my pregnancy and instead of having the week listed it showed that I should now have a newborn and all of the new and exciting things I should be going through. No. Freaking. Kidding. It's so frustrating that I am exhibiting absolutely no symptoms of going into labor. None. Lots of contractions all the time but no real pain associated with them. This blows.

I'm ready for the new chapter. Let the lessons on patience commence...

Secret Love

I have a secret love that not many people know about. It is something that I also suspect that not many people would guess. I love playing Scrabble. I mean LOVE love it. There are only a few people in my life that will play it with me and J is one of them...though it is very begrudgingly most of the time. Last night he was actually willing and we played for a little while but JD was kicking so hard that I had to beg J to stop playing. It hurt to sit up. It hurt to bend over. It just plain hurt. We put the game on hold and I immediately laid down on my side and cried. JD is getting so big and he just doesn't have any room left but that doesn't mean he won't move. He still moves and stretches like he needs to but the only problem is I have no room for him. My midwife said it best yesterday when she said that the goal is for the Mom to be so sick of being pregnant that they actually look forward to giving birth. I think I am at that point. No...I am, for sure, sick of being pregnant. It will happen soon enough...soon enough...

Snug as a Bug

I don't think the word disappointment is even close to strong enough for describing what I am feeling at this very moment. Devastated? Yeah...that's way closer. We headed to the ole' midwife's today and though she doesn't recommend checking for dilation very often she did recommend it today. You know what I found out? There is absolutely, positively nothing going on. My cervix is closed up tighter than a bomb shelter. Plus due to other reasons we can't even use the number one way to induce labor. Enter the image of my heart completely dropping at that news. You're talking to a girl who got barely a wink of sleep last night because her beautiful baby boy wasn't in the mood to sleep. He kicked and stretched and pushed and goodness only knows what else. He would get quiet for a few minutes and I would find myself starting to drift off only to have him suddenly realize he wasn't done playing yet and TADA! I was awake. I know this is going to happen after he is born but there is something different about it being an actual baby that I can hold in my arms as compared to getting gut punched from the inside. Oh well. He will come when he comes.

The Waiting Game

When is it going to happen? How is it going to happen? What is going to happen? Where is it going to happen? The anticipation is killing me! Lil JD moves around constantly and I get contractions ALL THE TIME but none of them hurt yet. His room is ready. We literally have everything that we need but here we wait and wait and wait. I sometimes get this dumb idea to start thinking about what I want to have happen but then I remember that that isn't how things happen with babies. They do what they want. They arrive when they want. My job is to sit and wait for him. I'm not good at waiting. Practice makes perfect, right?

Ah Man!

That was literally one of the most anti-climatic experiences ever! I was given a wonderful gift of a free 30 minute massage. I hung onto that little voucher for weeks just waiting for the time when I could use it to help bring on this whole labor thing which is anything after 37 weeks. I had my appointment this morning. I excitedly woke up, got dressed and headed to the spa. My massage therapist was amazing! The room was just the right temperature. The lighting was perfect. It had a wonderful scent to it. The bed was super comfy even though it wasn't one of the special preggo beds with a hole cut out of the center. She had me lay on one side while she worked on my back and then she helped me roll over so she could work on the other side. It all felt wonderful! Just what the doctor ordered. Then she had me roll onto my back, she elevated the bed and slid a pillow under my knees so she could work on my feet, the magic place where women can be helped into labor. That's where it went all down hill. At first I had a hard time breathing. I thought it was weird so I tried taking deeper breaths which instead of making me feel better actually made me kinda start to panic. I started getting really hot and then started sweating profusely. I was taking really shallow breaths and had to actually ask her to stop for a minute. We elevated the bed a little more and she finished the massage up but the damage was done. I had already allowed myself to go into panic attack mode. JD must have felt it because he started kicking around like crazy. That's what I get trying to help the whole process along...just let it happen Kathy....just let it happen.