Dear 2011

Dear 2011,

I didn't do very well with completing your goals. I was thrown a bit of a curve ball with this whole baby thing but that doesn't account for couple of them not being completed. No need to lament not completing them. It is what it is... 

2011 New Year's Resolution #1: Send out thank you notes and birthday cards. 

This one was 50% completed. I did great with thank you notes but not birthday cards. I already have a plan to change this in 2012. I will conquer this one! 

2011 New Year's Resolution #2: Run 5 miles per week. 

This one wasn't completed due to Mr. JD. It will make a reappearance in 2012. 

2011 New Year's Resolution #5: Learn to crochet. 

I need to work through my anxiety/patience issues before I can revisit this one.

2011 New Year's Resolution #6: Make 2011's Christmas a homemade Christmas.

We made it 75% there one this one. I can't wait to show you all of the amazing gifts we made! 

2011 New Year's Resolution #3: Write and follow a weekly meal plan. 

By the end of the year I finally accomplished this one! It included starting to make pre-made meals but that just enhanced the experience and one that I will definitely be continuing. 

2011 New Year's Resolution #4: Make a quilt for the California king bed (finally). 

I think I want to go a different direction but it requires a bit of money. We'll have to wait a little on this one...

I am not mad at myself for how you went. A lot of really amazing things happened. I was given the gift of pregnancy, delivered a beautiful baby boy, got engaged to an amazing man, weeded out crappy unworthy friends and developed new friendships, strengthened existing ones and changed relationships in my family that I can't wait to see where they all go. 2011...you were good to me and my family. I appreciate all that you brought to me.

Love and appreciate you!

Kathy

Random Post

Well...I unintentionally lost 7 pounds this week. Yea...you read that right. I couldn't eat and I could barely drink anything. We are still in Ohio but I, along with 7 other people in J's family, managed to catch this awful flu. We're talking the kind of sick that I haven't been since 2002. Thankfully it was a 24 hr bug but it sucked bad! I couldn't really be around JD except for feedings because I didn't want him to catch it. God was on our side. I prayed that I wouldn't be able to take care of him like I normally do and needed his help. JD was a perfect angel and slept a whole bunch. J's mom was a Godsend. Normally JD won't nap for a long time on other people but he did with her. He is just so comfortable with both of J's parents. I love watching them all together.

Things to Come

There's something so magical about this time of year. The wonder of Thanksgiving and Christmas is over and the mystery of what the new year has in store is just around the corner. I am already thinking intensely about New Year resolutions. I only have the framework laid out so I'm not ready to reveal it but I promise they will be good. Mainly because I am actually designing a goal achieving plan to go with them. My resolutions last year went mainly unachieved. Partly because I ended up getting pregnant but it is, for the most part, because I didn't follow through. Following through will be one of my resolutions this year...that's the only part I'm going to tell you. The rest is a secret. Shhhhhh....

Giant Bite

Oh yeah! I have a baby. In fact, he happened just 8 weeks today. That means that my focus needs to be there instead of trying to do all this other stuff. I didn't blog for a couple weeks because I have been so overwhelmed so rather than making blogging a chore I decided to blog again when I felt like I wanted to and had time to.

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks. Biggest news is my youngest brother's wife had her baby!!! YAY! It was weird looking at her and holding her because she was so tiny. 7 pounds 2 ounces. I know in the whole grand scheme of things that is normal but when you think about it my JD was never that small (at least outside of me) since he was born at 9 pounds 6 ounces. Baby girl seemed so fragile. I was terrified holding her though I absolutely LOVE it!

I also decided to wait until JD gets more use to the world before I try to really get a regular workout program in. That means that Body for Life is out. I may revisit something come the new year but then again I may not. I wasn't at all successful with last year's resolutions so I don't know. I need to really think and plan everything.

I have been somewhat torn in trying to figure out where I wanted this blog to go. I'm doing more and more DIY kind of projects but it didn't feel like it fit on this blog. I want to write about cooking and other random fact I have come across but I want it to be more like a reference sight rather than a personal journal. I came up with and bought the URL I am going to use. The Domesticated Kat. Isn't that awesome?! I am only going to post once or twice a week on it and will keep it to facts, recipes or projects. Things like making jam, redoing the dresser or random things I learned about. For example, what REALLY happens to orange juice or what cellulose, an ingredient that is in a lot of our food, is.

Gross, right? You may not have ever known that if I didn't tell you. Maybe you didn't want to know but now that you do you may want to make some diet changes, huh? I know I sure do. Orange juice is out unless I juice them myself. There is no way I want to drink some year old orange juice that had a flavor pack added to it so the taste, which is lost in the storing process, is added back in. I'm good with water thanks.

My point is I want to keep those kinds of posts somewhat separate. I'm also going to have a cute little store that sells homemade products and a whole section on things like jam and homemade BBQ sauce. I'm finding myself doing more and more "from scratch" items that I really think people would benefit from but it is all hidden in the pages of this blog. I think they deserve their own area, don't you?

Another thing that has been stressing me out is JD's sleeping or lack thereof. I was stressing myself out because he sleeps through the night but only when he is sleeping with me. Lots of things I have read talk about how that spoils them but it is the only way he gets good sleep in. Good sleep for him means good sleep for me. He also rarely naps during the day. I've tried so many things but he just won't do it. I thought I was doing something wrong until I found a website with a bunch of women whose babies don't sleep a whole lot. Last night I finally embraced my baby as an individual and am going to stop trying to fit my star shaped baby into a square hole. That took a bunch of stress off of me. I needed that. Badly. Speaking of JD I can hear him crying upstairs. Mommy to the rescue. Night!

Beer Goggles

Why is it so hard for us to see the good that other people see in us and yet...so absolutely easy to see the bad even if it isn't even close to being true? That's the problem I am having with myself right now. I just had a baby 6 weeks ago. 6 weeks. Today I barely got the green light from my midwife to start exercising without conditions and yet I am mentally destroying myself for not looking how I looked before I got pregnant. The thing is, my midwife was over the moon at how I look. She talked about how pleased I should be. I wish I was. I'm not. My brother told me on Sunday night how great I was doing. I knew that is must be true because he wouldn't lie to me. He's the kind of person who would just not say anything rather then to lie or say something that would make me feel like shit. I'm not looking for compliments here. I'm just exploring my thoughts about all this. It is really like I have the opposite of beer goggles. For those of you who don't know what that is...beer goggles are the "goggles" that people wear that makes other people look more attractive the drunker they get. I seem to think that I look waaaaaaay worse than I actually look. Maybe I do look bad. Maybe I don't. Whatever. It is what it is.

Below are the photos for the official beginning of Body for Life. I got my workout in. Eating was adequate. Meal planning for the rest of the day was added to my list for tomorrow. I do need to print off all of the needed paperwork but that will have to wait for tomorrow. I meant to do it today but my doctors appointment took longer than planned and I ended up getting a magical 3 hour nap with JD.

I also got most of my list done today. Again, the nap took precedent but that's okay. Sleep is extremely important.

December 4th: Put of the weekly/meal boardDecember 5th: Hang up all of my pre-pregnancy clothes and start Body for Life (take and post pictures)December 6th: Decide of the plan of action to finish my paperwork project and plan out meals besides dinner.
December 7th: Finish sewing my SIL's baby shower gifts
December 8th: Make Strawberry Jam
December 9th: Buy white elephant gift for work party
December 10th: Buy all needed items to finish up Christmas gifts 

Monday chores
Work on Express MiE's website for at least 1 hour
6 week appointment with midwife
Put clothes away
Wash, fold and put away laundry
Cuddle and nap with JD
Take pole class
Teach pole class
Go on walk with JD

My plan for tomorrow is pretty simple.

Tuesday chores
Help cousins pack for moving
Decide of the plan of action to finish my paperwork project
Plan out meals
Work on Express MiE website for at least an hour
Blog
Workout

I've really whittled my list down so I am a lot more successful. Too much work makes for too much stress.

Success for the day: I wanted to buy a candy bar when I stopped at the store but didn't.  

My Nagging Bad Habit

I looked back over the last couple of years and reread a bunch of my posts. I was extremely disappointed to notice a trend. I've made a lot of "empty promises" to myself. There are bucket loads of things or activities that I said I was going to do and then? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Every now and then I get my shit together and get stuff done but for the most part I don't seem to make things happen consistently. It's time I stop judging myself by my intentions and start looking at who I really am. This aha moment isn't who I want to be. It's not. Not even a little bit. I know I have written about it before...a lot...but I don't think I was really ready to face it. I'm still not sure if I am 100% there but I need to be there. I think I am going to try something like the 12 days of Christmas but instead of giving gifts to someone else I am going to give gifts to myself. Gifts of doing the things that I said I would do. Here's the plan for this week.

December 4th: Put of the weekly/meal board
December 5th: Hang up all of my pre-pregnancy clothes and start Body for Life (take and post pictures)
December 6th: Decide of the plan of action to finish my paperwork project
December 7th: Finish sewing my SIL baby shower gifts
December 8th: Make Strawberry Jam
December 9th: Buy white elephant gift for work party
December 10th: Buy all needed items to finish up Christmas gifts

I have to do it. I have to.

In other somewhat related news today also signified the end of the 6 week take things slow after the baby time period. It's on. Here's tomorrow's plan.

Monday chores
Work on Express MiE's website for at least 1 hour
6 week appointment with midwife
Put clothes away
Wash, fold and put away laundry
Cuddle and nap with JD
Take pole class
Teach pole class
Go on walk with JD

That should fill my day pretty good. Wish me luck!

Human Cage

When I posted about making major changes in my life the other day someone made some interesting comments. Some comments I really needed. I mean REALLY needed.

Judy said...
Kathy, you are selling. So SELL it! It's a good product. Anyone who has done any research into the subject will tell you that how a woman feels about her appearance is reflected in how she interacts with those around her. What you are not doing is basing your friendships on whether or not anyone buys anything. You've never done that. I love the brush on foundation, but admit that I don't use makeup often enough. With all the scarring, it seems so pointless to pretend like I can cover it. What I haven't incorporated into my self-perception yet is the importance to put in that time and effort that tells me that I believe I'm worth the time and effort. 

Judy said...
Better: You are selling a great makeup product
What you are not selling: You're love and enthusiasm to help women feel their best.

Wow, right? I've been living in this world of almost asking forgiveness for the fact that I'm selling Mary Kay that I forgot that I can actually help people. That's why I do it. I feel good when I wash my face and put on makeup and do my hair and well...just plain take care of myself. It makes me feel amazing. Why wouldn't I want to share that? Judy's comments were true in the fact that my relationships aren't contingent on whether people buy or not. I love the product and if people are looking for something I can share. If they like it then great. If not, then that's fine too.

That leads me to something else...I started a seasonal business! You should check it out just to see one of my actually COMPLETED projects. That's the best part. I completed it. Beginning to end it is done.

Introducing...Wrapping Arizona! I love the website and the Facebook page. I am so damn proud of myself I can hardly stand it! I also started moving forward on another project but it still needs a lot of refining. I promise you all will be some of the first to know when it is ready.

JD has been fighting sleep the last couple of nights. We'd tried everything. I mean everything. We were tag teaming it. J took one night I took the next and so on. Last night was my turn and JD wouldn't go to sleep. I could tell he was absolutely exhausted. He just wouldn't have it. I even, going against my instincts, resorted to trying the cry it out method. I didn't last that long with that one. I should have trusted myself. In final desperation I just sat down in the chair with him and help him very tight...kinda like a human cage. He was screaming pretty good for about a minute and then? Nothing. He passed out asleep and slept for 5 hours straight. 5 hours! Then he was awake from an hour and we then slept for another 3 hours. He is sleeping on me again right now. He does have about 4 days of making up to do...

Emotional Eating

My old friend food is back. In fact, my old friend has helped me actually gain weight since having lil' JD. I weigh more now than I did when I came out of the hospital 5 1/5 weeks ago. Yes, Thanksgiving didn't help things but if I am really honest with myself then I would acknowledge the fact that I have been eating like shit because I have been stressed out. I was trying to eat myself happy. It doesn't work like that. It actually makes me feel worse than before I ate anything. I talked to someone else tonight who is struggling with the same thing and decided that rather than suffering in silence I would write about it. It obviously happens to other people. At least I'm not alone, right?

Why did it make me feel worse? 

It makes me feel worse because my stomach hurts and the guilt sets it. The guilt is the worst part. If you have ever emotionally eaten then you know what I'm talking about. It almost feels like you're slowly choking. At least it does for me. My throat thickens. Breathing becomes harder. My mind kicks into overdrive and I commence in mentally beating myself up. I'm really good at it. I can make myself feel like complete crap in under 1 minute. I never stop at 1 minute though. It goes on...sometimes for days. It happened yesterday.

On Monday I had some painful stuff get brought up to me. I didn't handle talking about it very well. I thought about it all night and into yesterday. JD was up most of the night on Monday and all day yesterday. He was completely exhausted. I was completely exhausted. We got out of the house by the time the afternoon hit because I was going crazy staying at home. I managed to eat a king size Kit Kat bar, a jumbo jack and a bagel sandwich. All in about an hour. Ugh. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. It makes my heart sad. The self loathing has set in. I can't do this anymore.

The real question comes down to how am I going to fix it? It has to change. It is extraordinarily unhealthy on so many levels that I just can't do it anymore. My first plan of action is when I feel like eating because of emotional reasons I am going to write those reasons out. I'm thinking that by seeing it on paper it will somehow take the power out away from it. Not a bad start if I must say so myself.