Thursday, January 19, 2012

Postpartum Depression

In my post about postpartum depression and anxiety I posted the other day I didn't address the depression part a whole lot. Here's what it looks like for me. Since I met with the counselor I have made some major changes that have helped but I still battle with it every. single. day.

1. A complete lack of desire to take care of myself. When I say complete I mean I don't even care about basic things like showering or brushing my teeth. The only reason I did any of that is because I didn't want to inflict myself on anyone else.

2. No concern for what I eat. I mainly ate well only because I want to provide JD with the best nutrients I can but that didn't stop me from eating lots of ice cream or sweets. It is almost like I am punishing myself for God knows what.

3. Extreme frustration with J. He isn't always the most sensitive so I seem to be capitalizing on that and overreacting about things he says. Even when I know what he actually means I still blow up whatever he says to be something dumb.

4. Not doing anything. I mean that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing but feeding my little boy. We had almost a week and a half of laundry built up on one or most occasions.

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5. Fear that I am a bad Mom. I want to be the kind of Mom that makes it so my son wants people to come to his house because his Mom is so awesome.

6. Massive self loathing. This is probably the worst part and where everything else most likely stems from. I'm really good at insulting myself. I mean REALLY good. Really really good. If I don't get my to-do list done then I get down on myself. If JD cries it must be something that I have done. The list goes on and on and on. Most of the stuff that I hold against myself is completely out of my control but I still get down on myself for it.



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Thankfully I am surrounded with people that have helped pull me out of the dumps. Over and over and over again. It is a daily struggle. You can't just snap your fingers and be done with it. It is something that you slowly have to work through slowly until finally one day you realize it is gone. Every day you work towards getting better. Some days are worse but most are a least a little better then the last. Sometimes you succumb to your feelings and lie around all day and sometimes you are flying around the house on the wings of motivation. Everyday is different. Just because I feel good today doesn't mean I will feel good tomorrow. Time is what it takes. My body has a bunch of hormones coursing through it. I can't just wish it away. It is a process. I'll need to talk about it. I'll need to feel. I need to acknowledge it. Facing it head on is the only way that I'll most past it. Pretending it isn't there will never work. Feelings are meant to be felt.

4 comments:

  1. I totally relate to this... proud of you for doing something.

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  2. Depression sucks. You are doing much better than you think.

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  3. Hello Kathy

    I am sorry to hear you are suffering from post-natal depression/anxiety. It is good that you are getting the help you need. I just wanted to point out that this is much more common in women who have had long labours and traumatic births. I also feel it is likely that you are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder; I had the same experience.
    Though, understandably, you don’t feel like eating properly at the moment it would be a great advantage if you could eat lots of healthy low GL snacks. Plenty of low-GL foods including wholegrain carbohydrates which keep blood sugar levels steady and provide a sustained source of energy. It can also help with cravings, irritability and mood swings.

    You are a good mum!

    Best wishes
    Molly

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  4. Thanks Leah and Flutterby!

    Molly, I fit the bill to a "T" for postpartum depression then. This birth thing has been rough. Everyday it is a chore to get up but thankfully I have a cute little boy to get up to. I am looking into the low GL snacks that you mentioned. My eating crappy had most definitely been a contributing factor in all of the things you mentioned. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

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