1. A complete lack of desire to take care of myself. When I say complete I mean I don't even care about basic things like showering or brushing my teeth. The only reason I did any of that is because I didn't want to inflict myself on anyone else.
2. No concern for what I eat. I mainly ate well only because I want to provide JD with the best nutrients I can but that didn't stop me from eating lots of ice cream or sweets. It is almost like I am punishing myself for God knows what.
3. Extreme frustration with J. He isn't always the most sensitive so I seem to be capitalizing on that and overreacting about things he says. Even when I know what he actually means I still blow up whatever he says to be something dumb.
4. Not doing anything. I mean that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing but feeding my little boy. We had almost a week and a half of laundry built up on one or most occasions.
5. Fear that I am a bad Mom. I want to be the kind of Mom that makes it so my son wants people to come to his house because his Mom is so awesome.
6. Massive self loathing. This is probably the worst part and where everything else most likely stems from. I'm really good at insulting myself. I mean REALLY good. Really really good. If I don't get my to-do list done then I get down on myself. If JD cries it must be something that I have done. The list goes on and on and on. Most of the stuff that I hold against myself is completely out of my control but I still get down on myself for it.
Thankfully I am surrounded with people that have helped pull me out of the dumps. Over and over and over again. It is a daily struggle. You can't just snap your fingers and be done with it. It is something that you slowly have to work through slowly until finally one day you realize it is gone. Every day you work towards getting better. Some days are worse but most are a least a little better then the last. Sometimes you succumb to your feelings and lie around all day and sometimes you are flying around the house on the wings of motivation. Everyday is different. Just because I feel good today doesn't mean I will feel good tomorrow. Time is what it takes. My body has a bunch of hormones coursing through it. I can't just wish it away. It is a process. I'll need to talk about it. I'll need to feel. I need to acknowledge it. Facing it head on is the only way that I'll most past it. Pretending it isn't there will never work. Feelings are meant to be felt.