Friday, February 17, 2012

"The Spot"

I did it. I finally hit "the spot". You know the one. The spot where realize that you just can't do it anymore. I know I have talked about it before but this time it is really it. I hit bottom today. Like a LOW low. A bunch of stuff came together to end in me melting down to Jason. It was somewhat completely irrational in the way I acted but I realized that so much of my life is centered around so many other people (mainly Jackson) and I have completely lost myself. How does the saying go? If you can't take care of yourself then you can't take care of other people? Something like that. That's the position I am in. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not taking care of our house. I'm not as interactive with Jackson as I want to be. I'm not open. I'm not available. I'm not happy. I need more. I have to have more.

The last couple of weeks I have been keeping a really good running schedule but am so physically weak compared to what I used to be. In my pole classes I haven't been able to climb the pole like I could before I got preggo so I have decided that I am going to focus on getting my strength back up before I take my next pole class. Starting the end of February my schedule had to change a little bit anyway so I can't take a pole class next session (but I am taking a Bollywood class and yes, I realize how freaking amazing that is!) but I am the session after that. That sessions starts in the middle of April. That's 6 whole weeks that I am going to really focus on getting my strength up. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym to reactivate my account and to add Jackson to my account. That way I can drop him off with the childcare and instead of worrying about him crying and stopping my workout to sooth him he will be with a couple of girls in the childcare are who love babies (they coo over them). That means that I can workout. I need it so bad. I know we have a great gym area in our house but I get too distracted here. I let everything sneak into my focus. Laundry. Dinner. JD. Email. Work. So many other things take over. If I go somewhere that won't be the case. I'll be focused. I'll be dedicated. I have to be.

I also get the super duper amazing opportunity of representing Express MiE at the newest mud run in Phoenix. It's a cool women only event that is about 3 miles long with 10-12 obstacles. I've wanted to do one of these for AGES! I'm hoping to register at some point this weekend. This will be good motivation to keep running with the addition of weight training.

On the personal front, part of the meltdown from today has to do with a lot of the pressure I've been feeling to get stuff done but not having the time or ability to actually focus on it. I don't even feel like I focus enough to blog. J and I talked about that a bit tonight as well. He's so understanding...even when I don't deserve it in the presentation of my frustration.

It's late. I can't focus anymore. Plus I need to get up early to workout so I can get back to grab JD before J has to work. Toodles!

2 comments:

  1. I find myself getting way to overwhelmed all the time. When I read your writting I see a lot of me in it, but we need to remember who is in charge...GOD! It is so hard to just let Go and Let GOD, but that is what we have to do. I know, I know easier said than done, but it is just like your working out and such you have to take the time to focus on the most important thing in the world and that is the LORD! I always have to remember I will look back and see his hand in it all later but for now working on my anxiety and needing control of everything in my life. I will be praying for ya:)

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  2. Come to ME with all your weakness:physical, emotional, and spiritual. Rest in the comfort of My presence, remembering that NOTHING is impossible with ME.
    Pry your mind away from your problems so you can focus your attention on ME. Recall that I am able to do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine.Instead of trying to direct ME to do this and that, seek to attune yourself to what I am already doing.
    When anxiety attempts to wedge itself into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your shepherd. The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn't be afraid of anything. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to my will. Though this may feel frightening-even dangerous, the safest place to be is my will.
    -book jesus calling

    this really hit home with me and thought it would be good for you to:)

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